Pda

Kelly:Oh my God, everyone! I have a huge announcement to make!

Kelly:I'm getting divorced! Isn't it exciting?!

Kelly:Ryan and I are getting a divorce.

Creed:Is that ring still available?

Kelly:I'm getting married!

Andy:That's great! When?

Kelly:Well, I'm also getting divorced, so it's complicated.

Andy:Wait, wait. So you're getting married and divorced at the same time?

Kelly:Not at the same time. One after the other.

Andy:Okay, but which one comes first?

Kelly:We went to the Poconos for a romantic weekend.

Kelly:Ryan cried the whole time.

Kelly:He cried during our romantic weekend.

Ryan:That was just... that was just sweat.

Andy:When did you guys get married?

Kelly:A week ago. We were drunk and it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

Andy:I can't believe I wasn't invited to the wedding.

Kelly:Andy, we're getting divorced.

Ryan:I'm doing this for the greater good. I've evolved politically and spiritually, and I need to follow my principles.

Ryan:It's not about us anymore. It's about what's right for society.

Ryan:I'm not getting married until gay marriage is legal.

Oscar:On behalf of the gay community, you have our permission.

Ryan:Thank you, Oscar. I appreciate your blessing. I want you to know that I'm marrying Erin for all the right reasons—love, commitment, and the fact that she has excellent health insurance.

Kelly:Ryan, you told everyone it was amicable!

Ryan:It was amicable until you started—

Kelly:No, no, no. Everyone at this office is going to choose MY side because I'm way more fun than you.

Ryan:Kelly, that's not how this works.

Kelly:Pam! Pam, you're with me, right?

Ryan:Dwight, you'll back me up here.

Kelly:Jim, Jim, tell Ryan he's a loser!

Ryan:This is ridiculous.

Holly:Why are we destined to be together?

Michael:Because we're both named after trees. Holly is a tree, Michael... sounds like it could be a tree. And we both have the same number of letters in our last names. Well, actually, I don't know your last name yet, but statistically speaking, it probably does.

Michael:Holly, we don't have to agree on everything.

Holly:I know, but you just said we do.

Michael:No, I said we have to agree to disagree.

Holly:That's agreeing.

Michael:No, it's not. Agreeing to disagree means we both agree that we disagree, which means we agree on the fact that we disagree, but we don't have to agree on what we disagree about.

Holly:So we agree.

Michael:No!

Pam:Michael's going to be so difficult to travel with. He's going to want the window seat, he's going to complain about the food, he's going to make us listen to his mix CDs.

Holly:You know what? Make it a funny Jim game. Like, every time Michael does something annoying, you take a shot.

Pam:Holly, we'd be dead before we got to the runway.

Pam:What did you do to celebrate my talent?

Jim:I framed one of your doodles and hung it in the bedroom.

Pam:Really?

Jim:Yeah. I wrote on the placard: 'Art by Pam Beesly-Halpert.' Because that's what it is. It's art.

Jim:Okay, here's your clue. It's the opposite of where we had our first kiss.

Pam:The parking lot.

Erin:Holly has made Michael so weird. Like, she's ruined him.

Erin:And another thing - her ears aren't even the same size. Her left ear is like a 7, her right ear is like a 6.

Erin:Holly is a 9.2. Michael is a 6, but he thinks he's a 7.

Michael:Jim, you're choosing the speed limit over our friendship? Over our feelings?

Jim:Michael, the speed limit exists for a reason.

Michael:So does the heart, Jim. So does the heart.

Michael:Hey, Jim, quick question. How often would you say you and Pam... you know... do it?

Jim:Michael, what? No.

Michael:Come on, I'm just trying to connect with you. Is it every night? Twice a week?

Michael:I need a bathroom break. Now.

Jim:Michael, we're in the middle of the pitch. We can wait.

Michael:Can we? Can we really? Because I'm telling you right now, my credibility as a regional manager is on the line here.

Jim:Your credibility isn't about bathroom breaks.

Michael:Oh really? Then why do you think I've been so successful? It's because people know that when Michael Scott says he's going to do something, he does it. And right now, I'm saying I'm going to the bathroom.

Michael:If you don't pull over right now, I will pee in this car. I will pee in Jim's car!

Michael:And I will enjoy it.

Helene:Oh, just a tiny fever.

Jim:A tiny fever? That sounds serious.

Helene:No, no, she's fine. She's locked in the car, but she's happy.

Jim:She's locked in the car?!

Michael:Excuse me, excuse me! I'm sorry, I just need to get past you. I really need to use the bathroom. I'm not trying to be rude, but this is an emergency. I've been holding it for like twenty minutes and I think my bladder is about to explode. I'm so sorry. Thank you, thank you.

Jim:Do you remember that coffee you made this morning? The one with exactly two sugars and a splash of oat milk?

Pam:...Yeah?

Jim:I'm moving to San Francisco.

Pam:APB? All Points... Bulletin?

Pam:Oh! A Personal... Broadcast?

Michael:Jim wouldn't abandon me. We have a... we have a real...

Michael:I mean, he knows that I'm...

Michael:You know what? This is actually great. I'm like a spiritual warrior on a vision quest. My car broke down, but my soul is about to break through.

Dwight:From this moment on, you will address me only as 'Darkness,' the seeker of the condemned. It is I and I alone who am responsible for all death and destruction in this world.

Erin:What do I call myself?

Dwight:You shall be known as 'Schrute's Enforcer,' a name whispered in fear by those who have wronged us.

Dwight:You can drive my car.

Erin:Really? Oh my gosh, thank you!

Dwight:Just watch out for the fox meat in the back seat.

Erin:Fox meat?

Dwight:It's for my dinner.

Pam:Wait, what? My doodle has captions?

Jim:Oh yeah, I added those. Welcome to the art gallery.

Pam:Jim! This isn't funny!

Jim:I think it's hilarious. Very avant-garde.

Kevin:I drew a picture of the office building with a giant penis coming out of it, and I wrote 'This is what I think of Dunder Mifflin.' And I won!

Andy:The IT department has implemented a new protocol for paper feed mechanisms utilizing advanced xerographic technology with dual-sided printing capabilities and network-integrated supply chain management.

Darryl:Man, why you gotta make it so complicated? It's just a printer.

Darryl:I'm not gonna lie to you, I improve Family Circus for my daughter all the time. Like, the little kid will say something, and I'm like, 'That ain't funny.' So I'll add a punchline to it.

Darryl:I've been working on improving the Family Circus for my daughter. You know, making it actually funny. I added some jokes, some wit, some intelligence. Now when she reads it, she actually laughs instead of just staring at it confused like her dad does. I'm basically doing Bill Keane's job better than Bill Keane at this point. I should probably call him up, let him know he can retire now.

Darryl:It's on.

Darryl:It's on like Donkey Kong.

Darryl:It's on like a pot of collard greens on a Sunday afternoon.

Darryl:It's on like the gon in Philharmonic.

Dwight:He's got a very distinctive face. Kind of marsupial.

Dwight:Michael Scott. Mike Scott. Scarn. Michael G. Scott. The Big Tuna. No wait, that's Jim. Uh, The Temp. No, that's Ryan. Um... Lazy Scranton. No. Okay, fine. Michael... Danger... Scott.

Michael:I don't go by Danger.

Dwight:You should.

Dwight:Michael must have gone back to the office.

Erin:No, he's probably just distracted by the bakery smells. You know how he gets around carbs.

Dwight:She just got lucky.

Michael:You know, relationships are hard. People need to understand each other. Listen to me, pigeons—and I'm talking to you like you're people with real relationship problems—you gotta communicate. You gotta tell your partner how you feel. Don't just coo at each other and hope things work out.

Michael:You see, you pigeons, you're like me. You're always looking for the next meal, the next... I don't know, shiny thing. And that's a metaphor.

Michael Scott:You know, pigeons... you're not so different from me. We're just trying to find our place in this world, aren't we?

Random woman:You're talking to pigeons.

Michael Scott:I know, but—

Random woman:That's crazy.

Dwight:I will not waste my time shopping. I have more important matters to attend to.

Pam:Dwight, we really need someone to go to the store.

Dwight:Fine. I'll do it. But only because you're clearly incompetent and I don't trust anyone else to get it right.

Gabe:The rules for this caption contest are simple. Rule one: no irony. Rule two: no sarcasm. Rule three: irony is absolutely critical to—

Michael:Wait, wait. Did you just say irony is critical after saying no irony?

Gabe:I was establishing the importance of—

Michael:That's ironic.

Gabe:No more pop culture references. They're banned.

Dwight:But sir, how do we communicate without them?

Gabe:You employ linguistic frameworks rooted in post-structuralist theory to deconstruct the hegemonic narratives embedded within mass media discourse, thereby establishing alternative modes of signification divorced from commodity fetishization.

Jim:He just said 'talk normal.'

Gabe:I use Sabre products every day. Well, not every day. I use them when I'm in a fun mood.

Michael:I want a hot dog but I don't have any money.

Michael:Okay, here's what we do. I pawn my watch to you for fifty bucks. You give me the fifty bucks. I use that fifty bucks to buy a hot dog. Then I take the hot dog, I pawn it to you for forty bucks.

Michael:Then I take that forty bucks and I buy another hot dog. Then I pawn that hot dog to you for thirty bucks. We keep doing this until I've got enough hot dogs and enough money to retire.

Hot Dog Vendor:I can't take your watch for a hot dog.

Michael:What? Why not? It's just a watch.

Hot Dog Vendor:That's a Rolex. That's worth like five thousand dollars.

Michael:Exactly. So we're good, right?

Hot Dog Vendor:No, we're not good. I can't take a five thousand dollar watch for a hot dog that costs five dollars.

Michael:Wait, you throw away the hot dogs at the end of the day?

Hot dog vendor:Yeah, we can't sell them the next day.

Michael:Well, have you considered throwing them away... directly into my mouth?

Michael:You know what? Fine. We'll take our business elsewhere. See how you like that.

Michael:We spend thousands of dollars here every year.

Michael:Okay, we spend like forty dollars a year, but it's the principle of the thing.

Dwight:I was experiencing choice paralysis in there. Too many options.

Erin:That's understandable.

Dwight:It's like when Holly tries to pick a restaurant. She just stands there, completely useless.

Holly:Uses obviously fake name 'Fanny Smellmore'

Store Clerk:Sure thing, Mr. Scott.

Holly:That's not even close to Michael's best fake name. Last week he was Detective Slash Gibs.

Dwight:You know, the popcorn farts are actually a sign of superior kernel density.

Michael:Okay, okay, I wasn't going to pay. I was going to do a dine and dash. But I'm going to be honest with you, I feel really bad about it.

Michael:So I'm going to pay now. Because I'm a good person, and good people pay for their food.

Restaurant Owner:You've been coming here every single day for the past month. You're eating us out of business.

Michael:That is not true. I come here like... twice a week. And I always order the same thing: a salad. A small salad.

Restaurant Owner:You ordered three entrees, two appetizers, and a dessert platter yesterday.

Michael:Okay, well, that was a special occasion. My nephew was in town. And technically, I only ate half of those things.

Michael:I'm not worried. I'm excellent at leaving places. I've left every job I've ever had.

Erin:Dwight, there he is!

Dwight:Where?

Erin:At the restaurant, getting out of the car with that woman.

Dwight:How did you know I was going to order Chinese food? I never told anyone!

Erin:I didn't know that, Dwight. I just really wanted egg rolls.

Dwight:That's exactly what someone with supernatural powers would say.

Andy:Gabe, you can't just make up rules whenever you feel like it. This is a caption contest, not a dictatorship. You're being completely unreasonable, and frankly, it's insulting to everyone in this office who actually respects the spirit of fun and creativity.

Stanley:Here, let me help you close that.

Phyllis:Oh, thank you Stanley.

Stanley:Just click the X button in the corner.

Phyllis:Which corner? There are four.

Stanley:The top right.

Phyllis:I don't see it.

Stanley:It's right there!

Phyllis:Too late! I already sent it to everyone in the office.

Kevin:Dogs on island. Caption: "Sabre makes great products. Look how happy they are. But not as happy as they would be if Sabre had invested in proper waterproofing technology. Our competitors have it. We don't. We're working on it. Please don't return your Sabre products."

Andy:Another caption for the dogs picture

Andy:Elaborate meta-explanation for why characters are dogs

Gabe:If Andy were in a coma, he wouldn't be able to dream this. The brain doesn't work that way.

Gabe:I'm writing a caption for this photo. How about: 'Stay loyal, stay faithful.' No, that's too on the nose. What about: 'Fetch me their souls'?

Creed:I'd like to see Gabe eat a sandwich. I'd also like to see him urinate.

Creed:You know, I just closed my eyes and I thought of what would make people laugh. And then I wrote that down.

Creed:And that's what I came up with.

Dwight:Holly, I need you to use your psychic powers to locate Michael.

Holly:Dwight, I'm not a psychic.

Dwight:That's exactly what a psychic would say to throw me off the trail.

Erin:Holly, tell Michael that I said hi!

Holly:Erin says hi.

Erin:No wait, Holly, tell him that I'm getting a vision... I'm sensing that he needs to know that his birthday is coming up and he should start thinking about what kind of cake he wants!

Erin:Okay, what would Michael do? What would Michael do? He would probably make a joke... or delegate... or... ooh, I wonder what it's like to be a submarine captain. Like, you're just down there in the dark, and you've got all these buttons and switches, and nobody can find you. That would be so cool.

Michael:Holly, I've been wandering around all day. I think I went through the wrong door at the mall and ended up in a Sharper Image.

Holly:Michael, you're an idiot.

Michael:I know. But I'm your idiot.

Holly:Yes, you are.

Kevin:Gabe, you look like a... like a... like a hairless cat.

Kevin:*in dog voice* ...and you smell like one too.

Kevin:It says here Gabe's mom passed away.

Kevin:Well, I hate to speak ill of the dead, but she was a real piece of work.

Kevin:Actually, I didn't hate it. I loved it. I had sex with Gabe's mom.