The Search

Michael:Alright, let me try a British accent. Hello, I'm Reginald Poofter.

Stranger:...

Michael:What? It's a perfectly respectable British name!

David Brent:Comedy is the art of making people laugh at the juxtaposition of the unexpected with the expected.

Michael Scott:That's what she said.

Andy:It's actually Master of Ceremonies Bernard.

Ryan:I went to learn real estate secrets.

Ryan:Got scammed into buying Idaho timeshares and spent a lonely weekend in Boise.

Michael:Oh hey, you remember me from the seminar? Yeah, that was me. I was just doing a little bit. I'm actually Greek. My name is Mykonos.

Michael:No, no, no - Mykonos. Like the island, but that's my name. It's pronounced... *terrible Greek accent* ...Mee-KOH-nos.

Michael:I created Mykonos. His backstory is that he's from Greece, but he grew up in Germany, so he has a German accent but he's Greek. His parents own a shipping business.

Michael:And Mykonos's best friend is another Greek guy named Adonis, and Adonis's family also owns a shipping business, but theirs is bigger than Mykonos's family's shipping business.

Michael:Jim, from now on I'm calling you Tuna Turner.

Jim:I have this nervous habit where I stretch. Like, a lot. Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it.

Andy:Jim, you have to stay for this seminar. It's like a perfect coq au vin - you've got your chicken, your wine, your pearl onions all coming together in this beautiful braise. And if you leave now, you're just... you're just leaving the pot before the chicken is tender. You're ruining the dish, Jim.

Andy:This seminar cannot fail. I am bad at sales, but I am good at this job.

Andy:So what kind of business are you thinking about starting?

Seminar attendee:Well, I was thinking about opening a mineshaft.

Andy:A mineshaft? That's... that's actually a great idea. Have you thought about your startup costs?

Seminar attendee:Not really, but I figure I'll just dig straight down.

Andy:Okay, and what would you be mining for?

Seminar attendee:I don't know. Minerals?

Andy:Right, right. That's smart. Very smart. You know, I think you're really onto something here.

Seminar attendee:We make a tiny profit on each transaction. Same model works for phones, shopping, everything.

Dwight:Whales are just overgrown worms. They're disgusting creatures.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Baby whales are adorable. Have you seen a baby whale? They're way cuter than regular whales.

Dwight:That's ridiculous.

Andy:I'm serious! A baby whale is like, objectively cuter than a full-grown whale. It's science.

Andy:Come on, guys. We're a team. We need to work together.

Stanley:A team? Teams are for people who can't do their job individually. I've been doing my job for twelve years without needing anyone's help. And I'm not about to start now.

Michael:Holly's had a really rough week. Her divorce just finalized, her dog died, and she found out her ex is dating her sister.

Michael:Also, she's been having some issues with her, uh... female problems. Very heavy flow this month.

Michael:I know that's TMI, but I'm gonna use it anyway.

Michael:Mykonos? That's Greek. It's a Greek island. Very expensive. Very exclusive. I went there once with my girlfriend at the time. She was Italian. So when I said 'Mykonos,' it sounded Italian because, you know, she was Italian and I was trying to impress her by saying it the way she would say it. Which didn't make sense because she was Italian, not Greek. But I was trying to be romantic.

Erin:JLP... that's a word. It's like when you're jumping... and you're doing a little... JLP.

Erin:I never win at Scrabble.

Gabe:So I'll pick the movies from now on.

Erin:I only like the beginning parts before the horror starts.

Erin:What does 'ka' mean?

Oscar:It's a word in Scrabble. It means the spiritual part of an individual in Egyptian mythology.

Erin:Oh, cool!

Oscar:Gabe doesn't know that.

Oscar:Okay Erin, you need to think strategically. Look for high-value words.

Erin:Like 'moo'?

Oscar:That's... that's not a high-value word.

Erin:What about 'udder'? That's worth at least 50 points, right? Because udders are huge.

Oscar:Erin, that's not how Scrabble works.

Erin:Well how else am I supposed to play? I see letters and I think 'cow.' C-O-W. Cow. Everything is cow.

Kevin:Every time a bell rings, a Kevin gets his wings... and then immediately crashes into a building.

Andy:Ryan, will you speak at the seminar?

Ryan:Look, Andy, I can't commit to that right now.

Andy:So that's a no?

Ryan:No, I'm saying yes and no are the same commitment level for me.

Ryan:Yeah, I'll help with the seminar.

Ryan:But I might not be able to make it.

Andy:Welcome to the seminar. I'm Andy Bernard, Regional Director, and I'll be leading today's session on professional development.

Andy:Some of you may know me by my other name: The Nard Dog.

Kevin:I'm not a speechmaker. I'm a man of few words. So I'm just gonna say: you guys are... you guys are great. And I believe in you. And... yeah.

Kevin:You know what? I'm gonna give you guys some advice. Life is like a box of chocolates, except it's a box of donuts, and you eat them all before anyone else gets any.

Kevin:The point is, you gotta seize the day. Carpe diem. That's Latin for 'grab it.' I learned that from a fortune cookie.

Kevin:And another thing — if you're ever sad, just don't be sad anymore. Be happy instead. It's that simple.

Kelly:Hi, I'm Kelly Kapoor, Vice President of Regional Sales... just kidding, I'm the customer service rep, but I'm also a distributor of Awareness, a lifestyle brand. You can follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, and Vine. I'm also available for corporate events, birthday parties, bar mitzvahs, and weddings.

Ryan:That's not... we were just introducing...

Kelly:I'm a business bitch. I have an entire portfolio of bitch personas. I'm a street bitch, I'm a diva bitch, I'm a rich bitch, I'm a smart bitch. I'm a boss bitch.

Kelly:Professor Powell, you're on speakerphone for my business seminar.

Professor Powell:What?

Kelly:So what are the 10 secrets to success?

Professor Powell:Well, I suppose it's hard work, dedication, and... um... networking.

Kelly:That's only three.

Professor Powell:Yes, well, those are really the main ones. You could also say... persistence, education, time management...

Kelly:Okay, but that's still not ten.

Professor Powell:Look, there aren't really ten secrets. It's mostly just showing up and doing the work.

Erin:Oh my God, that was fucking amazing!

Erin:Okay, what about 'qi'? That's a valid Scrabble word!

Erin:Wait, no, that's MY word! You can't use that! That's cheap and I hate you!

Erin:Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. You're my best friend and I love you so much.

Gabe:Grease? That's my home.

Michael:I'll have a... Aphrodite's Nectar. That's a half-caf, no-foam latte with a shot of vanilla, drizzle of honey, and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Barista:We don't have that.

Michael:Well, can you make it?

Barista:Yeah.

Michael:Then I'll have that. And she'll have the same thing, but make hers a venti and add an extra shot of espresso because she's a hard worker.

Michael:Holly, I'm so glad you're here. I have something to tell you.

Holly:What is it?

Michael:I just got back from the doctor. He said I'm going to be fine!

Holly:That's wonderful, Michael!

Michael:I know! And to celebrate, I'm going to do a little dance!

Creed:You want to know the secret to business success? I'll tell you. The Loch Ness Monster. That thing is out there, and it's worth millions. Scottish riches, my friends. I've been hunting it for years. You think I got this way by sitting in an office? No sir. I tracked that monster from Edinburgh to the deepest parts of Scotland. The government doesn't want you to know this, but Nessie is real, and she's got treasure. Sonar equipment, underwater cameras, a good pair of binoculars—that's all you need. I almost had her in '94. She was right there, surfacing near Urquhart Castle. But she got away. Smart creature. Respects strength. But I'll get her eventually, and when I do, I'm going to be the richest man in the Highlands. That's business. That's how you win.

Creed:I've been tracking the Loch Ness Monster for thirty years. I've got sonar equipment, underwater cameras, the whole nine yards.

Creed:You know what the real question is though? If a man never knows his own father, can he ever truly know himself?

Gabe:I've selected another film for us to watch together.

Erin:Oh! Is it Wall-E? Because that movie is a hauntingly beautiful meditation on consumerism and the death of human connection, where a lone automaton navigates the detritus of civilization in search of meaning in an indifferent universe.

Gabe:...Yes. Exactly that.

Oscar:Wait, how are you winning at Scrabble?

Erin:I don't know, I'm just good at it.

Oscar:That doesn't make sense. You can barely spell.

Erin:Well, when you grow up in an orphanage, you learn to read really fast because books are the only friends you have.

Oscar:That's... actually kind of sad.

Erin:It is! And then you memorize all the words, so now I'm unbeatable at Scrabble.

Oscar:I'm never playing word games with you again.

Andy:Welcome to my seminar on starting your own business!

Seminar attendee:Thanks for having us. I'm actually looking to start my own company.

Andy:Great! Well, the first thing you need to know is that it's all about confidence and believing in yourself.

Seminar attendee:Right, but do you have any actual business experience or credentials?

Andy:I work in sales. I sell paper. So... yes.

Seminar attendee:You sell paper for a company. That's not the same as owning a successful business.

Andy:Well, I'm also very popular here. People respect me.

Seminar attendee:I think I'm in the wrong seminar.

Jim:Look, Andy, you're not closing sales because you're afraid. So here's what you're gonna do: you're gonna walk in there, you're gonna look that client dead in the eye, and you're gonna take what's yours.

Andy:Jim, that sounds like you're telling me to rob them.

Jim:I'm not NOT saying that.

Oscar:You're going to lose at Scrabble. I'm very cerebral.

Erin:I'm cerebral too!

Oscar:No, you're not. You're effervescent. Effervescent.

Erin:I got it! The word is... cat.

Jim:So Tom's here because he's at a higher reading level than the rest of us?

Dwight:Not just reading level. It's the entire social hierarchy. In elementary school, everything was based on how well you could read. The best readers sat at the front table. The rest of us were arranged behind them in descending order of literacy.

Jim:So you're saying Tom is literally smarter than us because he reads better?

Dwight:I'm saying the social order was established in third grade and it never changed. Tom was always at the front table. Some of us were at the back table. That's just how it is.

Jim:She said, 'Maybe you should try being less of a jerk.' And I was like, 'Mom, I appreciate the feedback, but I'm gonna need you to be more specific.'

Andy:Listen here, you little weasel—I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse! I'll shove this printer so far down your throat—

Andy:Oh, I'm sorry, did that come across as aggressive? I apologize. How can I help you today, sir or madam? Would you like to hear about our exciting paper options? We have 20-pound, 24-pound...

Andy:I'm on top of the world! My sales numbers are through the roof. You know what? I've got the biggest... sales presence in this office. That's right, I'm a big dick salesman.

Michael:Holly, this has been the best day. You know why? Because of you.

Holly:Aw, Michael...

Michael:You're my little corpse bride.

Holly:What?

Gabe:How about we compromise and watch a movie with violence and robots?

Erin:Oh, that sounds nice!

Gabe:It's like Wall-E, but with more killing.

Erin:Wait, there's a Shrek 2? How did I not know about this?