The Seminar

Dwight:We are completely different from the Guardian Angels. We do not wear those stupid red berets.

Dwight:We wear these.

Dwight:We're basically the same thing.

Dwight:Mission accomplished. We caught the Strangler.

Jim:We didn't actually catch anyone.

Dwight:I know. But I wanted to see how it felt to say it.

Dwight:I know what you're thinking. Jim's going to make some sort of crack about my farming, or my beet farm, or my commitment to the beet harvest. Well, I'm prepared for it. I've already thought of seventeen counter-arguments, all of them devastating in their logic and precision. So go ahead. Try me.

Dwight:These are the official meeting minutes documenting our serious patrol activities.

Dwight:It says here we spent the afternoon playing Marco Polo in the parking lot.

Jim:So you guys actually play flashlight tag? That sounds kind of fun.

Dwight:It IS fun. It's a legitimate sport. Why would you say it like that?

Jim:I'm not saying anything. I genuinely think it sounds fun.

Dwight:Well, it is. And it's not just running around in the dark like some kind of... it's strategic. There's rules.

Jim:I believe you.

Dwight:You don't believe me. Nobody ever believes me about flashlight tag.

Michael:I'm not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.

Michael:If I get the promotion, I'm gonna be so happy I'll burn down the office. If I don't get it, I'm gonna be so upset I'll burn down the office.

Michael:If you're having thoughts of suicide, you need to talk to somebody. It's not a weakness, it's not something to be ashamed of.

Michael:Wait, did you say it's snot? Why would you say it's snot?

Michael:That's gross. That's really inappropriate.

Angela:This is the saddest thing I've ever seen.

Stanley:I don't understand why we need all this glitter. It gets everywhere. It's in my coffee, it's on my desk, it's in my hair.

Erin:Sue from Vance Refrigeration is so nice. She always remembers my name.

Phyllis:Yeah, well, her daughter was hit by a school bus.

Michael:Okay, so I'm organizing my gummy candy by how they make me feel. The bears are angry, the worms are depressed, and the fish... the fish are just disappointed in me.

Erin:Are ukuleles happy?

Michael:What? No, Erin, ukuleles aren't happy or sad. They're just instruments.

Erin:Oh, because they always look so cheerful.

Michael:Well, if I ever get sad, I'm going to destroy every musical instrument I can find.

Michael:Paula Poundstone's gonna call me up on stage. I just know it. And then what? I'll be up there, sweating through my shirt, trying to think of something funny to say.

Michael:She'll say, 'So what do you do?' And I'll say, 'I'm a regional manager.' And she'll just stare at me like I'm an idiot.

Jim:I'm excited for Michael either way. If he gets Holly, great. If he doesn't get Holly, he's really lucky.

Erin:Everyone, I'd like you to meet my friend Kevin. Kevin, this is everyone.

Erin:Kevin's been through a lot. He lost his job last month, but he's staying positive.

Erin:What's that, Kevin? You think Jim's a good guy? I agree.

Erin:Oh, Kevin wants to know if anyone wants to go to lunch with us. I told him we'd ask.

Michael:Holly, we need to discuss the quarterly synergy metrics. Let me show you something on this chart.

Michael:Here, shake my hand while we review these projections.

Holly:Michael, what am I looking at?

Michael:Very important data. We need to maintain this grip while I walk you through each point.

Michael:Don't let go. The numbers are very delicate.

Jim:You could turn off the heat in the office. Make it really cold, force her to take off her mittens.

Michael:That's brilliant!

Jim:Or you could just ask her.

Michael:No, no, no. The heat thing is better.

Holly:Hey.

Michael:What did you just call me?

Holly:I just said hey.

Michael:Don't you ever talk to me like that again.

Michael:Just breathe. Calm down. In and out.

Erin:Okay, okay, I'm breathing.

Michael:Good. Nice and slow.

Erin:Yeah, I got it.

Michael:You feeling better?

Erin:Much better, thanks Michael.

Michael:Holly's not engaged! Did you hear that? She's not engaged!

Michael:You know what? I'm feeling so good right now, I challenge anyone in this office to a dance battle. Right now. Who wants it?

Erin:What's your New Year's resolution, Dwight?

Dwight:I'm already perfect. I have no resolutions.

Kevin:My New Year's resolution is to find love. But let's be honest, that's not gonna happen. So my real resolution is to accept that I'm gonna be alone forever.

Pam:You never know, Kevin. You might meet someone at the party.

Kevin:Yeah, maybe. I mean, I'm a catch. I've got a job, I've got my own place...

Kevin:Well, my mom's place. But I pay rent. Technically.

Kevin:I'm also really good at eating. And I can open jars without running them under hot water like some kind of idiot.

Kevin:You know what? Forget it. I'm not a catch. I'm more like... a throw-back.

Oscar:You mean the state senator. There's a big difference.

Kevin:Yeah, you know what? My new year's resolution is to have sex with every woman in this office.

Ryan:So you go up to a girl in a bookstore and you're like, 'Oh, what are you reading?' And she's like, 'Oh, this book.' And you're like, 'Oh cool, I love that book.' And then you guys go back to your place and have sex.

Michael:Is that a new phone? E.T. phone home. E.T. phone home.

Holly:It's just a phone.

Michael:E.T. phone home. E.T. phone home. E.T. phone... home.

Kelly:Oh my God, please stop. Please, Michael, please stop.

Michael:Wait, so you're not dating anyone right now?

Holly:No, I'm not.

Michael:But you could be. I mean, there's gotta be other H.P.s out there.

Michael:So Pam, how long were you with Roy?

Pam:Um, about three years.

Michael:And he proposed to you?

Pam:Yes.

Michael:But you didn't want to marry him?

Pam:No, I did want to. I mean, I don't know.

Michael:Do you still have feelings for him?

Pam:No. Maybe. I don't know, Michael, I really don't want to talk about this.

Michael:I can't just go up to Holly and tell her how I feel. What if she doesn't feel the same way? What if she says we should just be friends?

Michael:*makes exaggerated gagging sounds and recoils in horror* Just... friends. *shudders violently* I can't even say it without wanting to throw up.

Kevin:E-readers are gonna destroy the paper industry. People won't need paper anymore.

Bookstore Employee:Actually, e-readers use lithium-ion batteries that require mining, which damages the environment way more than paper production.

Kevin:Oh. I... I didn't know that.

Kevin:This e-reader is like a donut.

Kevin:It's round, it's sweet, and it's gonna make me fat.

Andy:Wait, were we pretending to work here?

Darryl:I thought YOU were pretending.

Andy:No, I assumed YOU were in character.

Darryl:Well, that lady definitely thought we worked here.

Andy:Oh no. Did we just... actually help someone?

Andy:What'd you buy?

Darryl:Oh, just some stuff online.

Andy:Like what?

Darryl:You know, just... adult content.

Andy:Oh my god, how specific are we talking?

Darryl:Real specific. Like, very niche. Very disturbing.

Pam:I had the most amazing time in Portugal. The pastéis de nata were incredible.

Erin:Oh my gosh, I know! And those tiles in Lisbon?

Pam:Wait. You went to Lisbon?

Erin:Yeah, didn't you?

Pam:I... yes. Of course I did.

Erin:What hotel did you stay at?

Pam:The... Marriott.

Erin:That's so funny. Me too. What floor?

Pam:...Third?

Erin:Third floor too! What are the odds?

Pam:Yeah... what are the odds.

Erin:Okay, real talk. Did you actually go to Portugal?

Pam:No.

Erin:Me neither. I just wanted to impress everyone.

Pam:Same.

Erin:You could just tell him you're pregnant.

Darryl:Man, you do not want to go to a strip club at noon on a Monday. Those aren't the same girls. Those are the ones who couldn't make it on the night shift. You're gonna see some stuff that'll haunt you for the rest of your life.

Darryl:You know what? There's some real opportunities at the roller rink. You got your concession stand, you got your arcade games, DJ booth...

Darryl:But the real money? The real money is in roller derby. These women, man. These women are aggressive. They're athletic. They're fierce.

Darryl:I'm talking about women who will knock you into the wall and not even apologize. Women who live for contact. Women who—

Darryl:You know what? I think I found my calling.

Erin:I'm trying to expand my vocabulary. I've been using 'immensely' in sentences.

Erin:Like, 'That's immensely of you to say,' or 'I immensely enjoy that.'

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do we have here?

Gabe:I'm giving Erin a reward for her excellent work.

Michael:A reward? From you? That's... I'll take that.

Erin:Um, actually that's for me.

Michael:Right, right, of course. I was just... inspecting it. For quality control. You want quality, don't you Gabe?

Gabe:That's not necessary.

Michael:It's fine. I do this all the time. Here you go, Erin. Congratulations on the... whatever this is.

Creed:My New Year's resolution is to do a cartwheel. Not like, a gymnast cartwheel. Just like, a casual cartwheel. But also spectacular.

Michael:I did it. I finally did it. I completed my flossing resolution.

Michael:Ahhhhh! Owwww! Why is there so much blood?!

Michael:I think I hit an artery!

Michael:Creed, I'm very disappointed. You can't even do a cartwheel? That's it. When you die, your tombstone is going to say 'Here lies Creed Bratton. He never did a cartwheel.' Is that what you want?

Michael:Creed, if you don't stop, I'm going to put your name on a tombstone.

Creed:You think I'm afraid of that? I already have a tombstone. It's in my basement.

Kevin:I don't know what this is. Some kind of weird tree?

Kevin:Does anyone have any ranch dressing? Hot sauce? Cheese whiz?

Jim:Kevin, it's just broccoli.

Kevin:I know what it is, Jim. I'm trying to make it edible. You got any mayonnaise? Sriracha? Basically anything that isn't... this.

Michael:Come on, Kevin. Here comes the airplane. Neeeeow! Open up!

Kevin:Michael, I'm 34 years old.

Michael:And you're about to be a healthier 34-year-old. Broccoli is good for you!

Michael:I'm sorry I was so intense about your New Year's resolutions.

Holly:You know what your problem is? You care too much.

Michael:That's not a problem.

Holly:No, it is. It's a huge problem.

Michael:Kevin, I know things have been weird between us, but I was hoping we could still be friends.

Kevin:I'm not ready for that, Michael. I'm just not there yet.

Ryan:I've been working on some really creative projects lately. I think I'm finally finding my artistic voice.

Kevin:That's cool. I tried art once. Turns out I'm better at pooping.

Meredith:I'm pregnant.

Jim:What?

Meredith:I'm kidding. I'm not pregnant. I'm just drinking a lot because everybody else is doing their resolutions and I'm like, I'm gonna drink.

Meredith:My resolution is to stop seeking attention.

Ryan:You literally just told everyone that to seek attention.

Creed:I did it. I completed my cartwheel resolution.

Creed:Nailed it. Perfect form.

Creed:What the hell are you all looking at? I did a cartwheel! Don't question me!

Darryl:Yeah, I met someone at the roller rink. She was really nice, had a great smile, seemed really into me.

Darryl:Turns out it was a dude.

Michael:My new year's resolution is to stop making inappropriate comments about Holly.

Michael:Except on her birthday.

Michael:And Christmas.

Michael:And Valentine's Day.

Michael:And any day ending in 'y'.

Holly:I said I was fine. Fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine, fine. See? Now the word doesn't mean anything anymore.

Creed:I did it! I did a cartwheel!

Darryl:Yeah, you did man.

Creed:That's it. I'm done. That's my year.