Christmas Party

Michael · Dwight:Michael and Dwight struggling to force an enormous Christmas tree through the office door, with branches breaking and both of them shouting contradictory instructions at each other

Michael:"Don't break the branches, Dwight." — said by Michael while they are actively destroying the tree together

Dwight · Michael:"Ah, I got a splinter." / "Well, suck it up, we all have problems."

Jim · Michael:"Why did you get it so big?" / "A, that's what she said. And B, I wanted it to be impressive."

Michael:"The biggest day of the year deserves the biggest tree of the year. But what are we going to do with this hacked off part?" / "Well, that is a perfectly good mini tree, Kevin. And we are going to sell that to charity. That's what Christmas is all about."

Jim:Jim's talking-head confessional about getting Pam in Secret Santa — the teapot stuffed with inside jokes including a high school yearbook photo that 'really makes her laugh'

Jim:"I'm not sure why." — Jim's reaction to explaining why his yearbook photo makes Pam laugh, delivered with a small sheepish pause

Jim:Jim kept a hot sauce packet Pam accidentally put on a hot dog two years ago, and kept 'the other two'

Jim:Jim holds up an additional item in the teapot — "This would take a little too long to explain. So I won't."

Jim:"And this is a card. Because Christmas is the time to tell people how you feel." — Jim, staring at camera with complete awareness

Phyllis · Angela:Angela drafted Phyllis into the party planning committee, and her memo said they needed to prepare for 'every possible disaster'

Michael:Michael says "Pimp!" to greet someone, immediately followed by "I'm kidding."

Michael:Michael announces he got a $3,000 bonus for firing someone and is spending it all on the party — "I guess some good came out of firing Devin after all."

Michael:"Maybe I should call him, tell him that." — Michael, considering whether to call the fired employee to inform him his firing produced good outcomes

Michael:"I want people making out in closets. I want people hanging from the ceilings, lampshades on the heads. I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party."

Michael:Michael announces his digital camera incentive — best/craziest thing that happens will be on the cover of the newsletter

Toby · Michael:"You do realize that we can't serve liquor at the party." / "Yeah, I know. Dammit. Stupid corporate wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody."

Dwight · Michael:Dwight wants to be Santa; Michael refuses. Dwight: "I would like to be the elf." Michael: "That makes sense, because he has elfish features."

Michael:Michael's gift-wrapping ultimatum: 'you will be disqualified from Secret Santa. All right? No exceptions. Except Michael.'

Andy:Andy's confessional: "I got Angela. She's into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt kind of weird buying that."

Kelly:Kelly's confessional: "I got Creed. And to tell you the truth, I don't know anything about Creed. I know his name's Creed. I know he works right over there. I think he's Irish and I got him this shamrock keychain."

Kevin:Kevin's confessional about his Secret Santa gift — clearly trying to keep it secret, then immediately blurts out "It was Ryan!"

Michael · Stanley:Michael insists on handling the power cord himself for "safety reasons," preventing Stanley from simply plugging in the tree lights

Michael:Michael's countdown to light the tree "like Rockefeller Center" — tree lights disappoint, eliciting "Not great. Sorry everybody."

Dwight:"I could get some flares from my car." — Dwight, offering car emergency flares as Christmas tree lighting enhancement

Michael:"Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say: 'Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth.'"

Jim:Jim gets a gift that is clearly something the giver grabbed from their own closet — Jim's camera look and deadpan delivery

Jim:"He obviously forgot to get me something. And then he went into his closet and dug out this little number. And then threw it in a bag." — Jim's confessional, followed by: "Yep, that's exactly what happened."

Ryan · Michael:Ryan opens his Secret Santa gift to reveal a video iPod — a $400 gift when the limit was $20

Michael:"Somebody really got carried away with the spirit of Christmas." — Toby or narrator-style; Michael immediately: "It was me. I got carried away with the spirit."

Jim · Michael:"This is 400 bucks." / "You don't know that." / "Yeah, you left the price tag on." / "I did, what? Oh, shoot. Wow."

Michael · Phyllis:Michael receives a hand-knitted oven mitt from Phyllis and interprets it as a calibrated measure of how much she values him: "I gave Ryan an iPod."

Unknown Employee:"We don't do anything until Michael gives us further instructions." — employee reacts to Michael's paralysis after the oven mitt moment

Michael:Michael's solution to the oven mitt humiliation: convert Secret Santa into Yankee Swap, announced with manic confidence

Michael · Other Employees:Characters arguing about what Yankee Swap is called: "I thought that was called nasty Christmas." / "Yeah, we call it White Elephant." / "Well, I call it fun!"

Michael:Michael: "Like the oven mitt." — suggesting the oven mitt as a desirable gift to steal in Yankee Swap, using reverse psychology

Meredith · Jim:Meredith immediately steals the teapot — Jim's carefully curated gift for Pam enters the Yankee Swap chaos

Jim:"I bought that specifically for Pam." — Jim, helpless as his gift circulates

Unknown · Other Employee:"That was meant for Kelly." / "Yeah, I figured." — a present gets stolen that was clearly for a specific person

Unknown · Angela:The baby-dressed-as-adult poster is unwrapped and the room reacts with visible discomfort — "That's like the creepiest thing that I've ever seen."

Angela:Angela takes the baby poster for herself — in Yankee Swap she chooses her own gift back

Michael:'Everyone wants the iPod. It's a huge hit. It is almost a Christmas miracle.'

Michael:Michael's "reverse psychology" confessional about wanting Meredith to take the oven mitt — he explains reverse psychology while making it clear he doesn't understand how it works

Dwight:Dwight's Yankee Swap gift reveal: paint ball pellets plus "two paintball lessons with Dwight Schrute"

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: "Two paintball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily like two grand. Take that, Saddam."

Kevin:Kevin's Yankee Swap pick: the footbath — which he reveals is the thing he bought himself for Secret Santa

Kevin:Kevin's confessional: "Maybe I should have taken the iPod." — immediately after taking his own footbath gift

Michael · Pam:Pam steals the iPod; Michael desperately suggests she take the teapot instead: "Sure you don't want the teapot? I mean, it's an iPod." / "Right." / "Sorry."

Jim:Jim's confessional: "Yes! There you go. I want the teapot." — then steals the teapot for himself with relief

Jim:Jim takes the book of short stories to free up Oscar's teapot, then immediately steals the teapot: 'Yes! There you go. I want the teapot.'

Michael:"Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets... Christmas."

Michael:Michael reveals his bonus was $3,000 mid-argument — "It wasn't...It wasn't that much. It was 3,000."

Michael:Michael at the liquor store: "Is this enough to get 20 people plastered? Fifteen bottles of vodka?" — asking a store clerk for expert advice on mass intoxication

Jim · Dwight:Jim attempting to trade with Dwight for the teapot — offers a shamrock keychain: "A real man makes his own luck. Billy Zane, 'Titanic'."

Dwight:Dwight explains he wants the teapot because he gets sinus infections — plans to pour tea directly into his nose

Jim:Jim's camera look after Dwight describes pouring tea into his nose — "To think that my gift to Pam will be used for that... it's a little too much to handle."

Jim:Jim's talking-head: 'To think that my gift to Pam will be used for that... It's a little too much to handle.'

Unknown Employees:"I was going to get you one of these for Christmas. Now I don't have to. I'm gonna save a ton of money." / "So what are you going to get me instead?" / "I don't know. Probably like a sweater or something."

Michael:Michael arrives at the party with bags of vodka — "Looks like Santa was a little naughty."

Michael:"What is that?" / "This is Christmas spirit. As in spirits. Booze."

Michael · Toby:"Zip it, Toby. Just, I mean, it's a party, come on." — Michael silencing Toby's compliance concern

Michael:"If I can't throw a good party for my employees, then I am a terrible boss." — Michael's self-assessment as justification for serving illegal-at-work alcohol

Meredith:Meredith's confessional: "The deal is that this is my last hurrah. Cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore. During the week."

Meredith:'The deal is that this is my last hurrah. 'Cause I made a New Year's resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore.' — pause — 'During the week.'

Bob Vance:Bob Vance introduces himself to every person as "Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration" with no variation

Michael:"Anybody making out in here? Not yet, give it time." — Michael checking in on a room

Michael:"Anybody making out in here? Not yet, give it time." — Michael checking in on the party

Michael · Ryan:"Kudos to Ryan, king of the party committee!" / "Oh, no, I REALLY did not do anything."

Jim · Ryan:Ryan on the phone at the party, pretending to be on an important call — Jim: "You know, you don't have to answer calls during a party. Just thought you should know." / Ryan: "I was just checking out my present."

Pam · Jim:Pam at her desk pretending to check her phone when Jim approaches; 'No. I was just checking out my present.'

Jim · Pam:Jim reveals he traded with Dwight for the teapot — Pam's reaction

Pam:Pam mentions Roy "got me an iPod or, was going to get me an iPod, so..." — the correction mid-sentence

Pam · Jim:Pam opens the teapot and discovers all the inside-joke items — yearbook photo, Boggle timer — her genuine delight

Todd Packer · Michael:Todd Packer bursting in: 'Merry Christmas asswipe!' / Michael: 'No way! Oh, you're kidding me. Packer!'

Michael · Todd Packer:Todd Packer arrives crashing the party — Michael's immediate, disproportionate joy: "Yes! Todd Packer, ladies and gentlemen!"

Todd Packer · Michael:"Pac man need a drinky." — Packer in baby voice; Michael: "Toby's gonna fix you up."

Unknown Employees:"Whose butt is that?" / "Mine." / "How did I not guess that?"

Michael:"Lampshade on the head! It's happening!" — Michael's ecstatic announcement

Unknown Employees:Drunk woman approaches a male colleague and kisses him; he says "What are you doing?" / "I don't know." / "You shouldn't do things like that. The man is supposed to do that."

Michael:Michael's Christmas philosophy confessional: "First, you get to spend time with people you love. Second, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So four things. Not bad for one day."