The Whale

Andy:I've seen Dirty Dancing like ten times. It just gets me every time.

Andy:Patrick Swayze was just... he could dance dirty.

Andy:My eyes are really sensitive to the sun. It's like looking directly at two meatballs that have been left out in the sun for three days.

Andy:You know, I was really sad about being left behind, but then I remembered this Bob Marley song that really spoke to me.

Andy:"Don't Worry, Be Happy."

Andy:I call it a 'ballcap.'

Darryl:Man, take the underwear off your head.

Andy:I've created a desalinator. It takes salt water and makes it fresh. Here, let me show you.

Andy:Ow! Ow! Ow!

Andy:It's working.

Andy:Man and his boat, they're intertwined. The boat is an extension of man's soul, his dreams, his aspirations...

Andy:Out here on the water, we're not just men in a boat. We're philosophers, we're adventurers, we're—

Andy:*falls overboard*

Andy:Help! Help! I'm drowning!

David Wallace:Hi, this is David Wallace calling for whoever's in charge.

Dwight:This is Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

David Wallace:Actually, I need to speak with Michael Scott.

Dwight:Michael is unavailable. I can help you with whatever you need.

David Wallace:No, I really need Michael specifically.

Dwight:Of course you do.

Dwight:What is it, David? Did we get the Sanderson account? Please tell me we got the Sanderson account.

Dwight:Jim didn't get it, did he? Because if Jim got it, I swear to God...

David Wallace:The White Pages is a perfect description of everyone's relationship with phone books.

David Wallace:The White Pages account is one of the most important accounts we have. Do you know what that means? It means we are in the same league as Moby Dick.

Dwight:You know, I've been thinking about what you said about the white whale. In Moby Dick, Ahab was obsessed with hunting it. He let that obsession consume him.

Jim:Right, so what's your point?

Dwight:My point is, I've decided to hunt a white whale. I've already contacted several maritime organizations. I'm leaving next Monday.

Jim:Dwight, no—

Dwight:I've purchased a harpoon. A real one. Not a toy. And I'm naming it Bessie.

Dwight:I have been chosen for the Kline account. Finally, my superior intellect and sales acumen have been recognized.

Dwight:Now where is Stanley? I need to tell him about this immediately.

Dwight:Stanley! STANLEY! I need to rub my success directly in your face!

Jim:Dwight can't handle women clients because every time he tries to say 'Gina,' it comes out sounding like... well, let's just say it's not great for business.

Dwight:I pronounce all words correctly. For instance, I say 'nuclear' not 'nucular.'

Jim:Okay, but you just said 'nucular.'

Dwight:No, I said 'nuclear.' You're not listening properly.

Kevin:You know, we had bagels here once. For like a week. Back in 2003. Best week of my life.

Kevin:You know, back in the '90s, bagels just tasted better. They were simpler times.

Jim:Kevin, bagels are the same.

Kevin:No, no, no. Clinton was president, and the bagels reflected that. They had hope in them.

Pam:That's not how bagels work.

Kevin:When Bush came in, the bagels got stale. It was like the country's bagel morale just dropped.

Todd Packer:Inappropriate sexual comment about their appearance

Creed:You know, I've been growing this mustache for three weeks. It's not just hair, it's a statement. A statement that says I don't believe in the rules of society. Also, I read that if you grow a mustache, it adds ten years to your life. I'm gonna live forever.

Nate:Hey baby, are you a prostate exam? Because I've been waiting for you to come around for years.

Angela:I'm doing some spring cleaning and I found Sprinkles' remains in the back of the closet. I didn't have the heart to tell Dwight, so I just threw them away and got a new cat that looks identical.

Angela:Senator has been having an affair.

Oscar:With a man?

Angela:No.

Oscar:My worst nightmare.

Oscar:I've been having nightmares about this. Last night I dreamed that I was sleeping in the same bed as Dwight.

Oscar:And he kept trying to spoon me. And every time I tried to move away, he would just follow me across the bed.

Oscar:Angela, Blake is just a yoga instructor. There's nothing going on between him and the Senator.

Angela:How can you be so sure?

Oscar:Because I know Blake. We go to the same gym, we shower together, we've even shared a steam room. He's completely trustworthy.

Angela:Oh my God.

Dwight:A woman in a position of power? That's not how the corporate hierarchy works.

Pam:Dwight, I'm literally just playing a client.

Dwight:Exactly. You should be playing the secretary.

Dwight:Phyllis as boss? That's ridiculous. Women are naturally suited for administrative roles, not leadership. She'll probably just cry when things get difficult or spend all day talking about her feelings.

Dwight:I use a series of calculated moves to break down a client's defenses, establish dominance, and force them into submission until they have no choice but to accept my terms.

Jim:Sounds disturbingly like describing sexual assault.

Jim:Dwight, your sales technique is too aggressive.

Dwight:Aggressive? I'm being professional.

Jim:You literally threatened to kill that client.

Dwight:That was a metaphor.

Jim:You said, 'I will murder your family.'

Dwight:In the context of competitive sales!

Jim:Hey, sorry about that. I'm in the middle of a training session.

Conference Call Participant:Is that a guy doing karate in the background?

Dwight:It's not karate, it's Schrute Farms self-defense technique.

Colin:Jim, your voice sounds different. Did you move to a new location?

Jim:Yeah, I'm calling from the warehouse now.

Colin:Well, you sound like Batman.

Dwight:When someone is talking to you, you have to show them you're listening. It's simple.

Dwight:You nod. Like this. See? The nodding motion stimulates the vestibular system in your inner ear, which sends signals to your brain confirming that you are, in fact, conscious and aware.

Dwight:It's basic biology.

Nellie:It's a mural of workers, but not exploited workers. They're happy workers. They're singing while they work. And they're all... they're all very young.

Nellie:No, no, no—they chose to be there. It's not forced labor. They get breaks. Short breaks, but breaks.

Nellie:He has this listening face... it's like he's concentrating so hard that his face gets all scrunched up, and his eyes go really wide, and his mouth hangs open just slightly, like he's trying to suck the words directly into his brain through his face.

Dwight:My children were delivered vaginally at 37 weeks gestation. The perineal tearing was extensive but manageable. I hemorrhaged approximately 800 milliliters but remained conscious throughout. Both infants scored 9 on the Apgar scale.

Jim:You know, having kids really does make you soft. Like, I was watching this movie the other day, and there was this villain, right? And I found myself actually feeling bad for him. I was like, 'Man, he probably just had a rough childhood or something.'

Dwight:I'm thinking of my mother. She was the most beautiful woman in the world. She had these soft hands, and she would brush my hair when I was sick. And she smelled like... like cinnamon and old money.

Dwight:My barber was a gentle man. He'd trim my hair with such care and precision. I trusted him completely.

Jim:That's nice, Dwight.

Dwight:Yeah. Of course, he's currently serving eight to ten years for dog fighting.

Angela:I'm looking for Blake, my yoga instructor. I hope he's not one of those people who does yoga for the exercise. Real yoga is about spiritual enlightenment, not getting a flat stomach.

Oscar:That's the downward-facing dog pose.

Oscar:Not to be confused with doggy style.

Angela:A ponytail? Really? I'm sorry, but a man with a ponytail cannot be taken seriously. How is he ever going to get elected to office looking like that?

Jim:Yes, I understand. We need to finalize the quarterly projections by Friday.

Jim's neighbor:Hey! Tell those skateboarders to keep it down!

Jim:I'm sorry, I'm on a conference call.

Jim's neighbor:Yeah, well, so am I! And I can't hear myself think over all that noise!

Dwight:Jan? Jan Levinson?

Jan:Hello, Dwight.

Dwight:I... I didn't know you were coming. Michael didn't mention...

Jan:He doesn't know I'm here. This is a surprise inspection.

Dwight:Oh God.

Dwight:Jan is Michael's girlfriend. She's very erratic and unpredictable.

Jim:Dwight, you're talking about someone being erratic?

Dwight:What? I'm perfectly normal.

Jim:You sleep under your desk and wear a militia outfit to work.

Dwight:That's called being prepared.

Dwight:Your daughter has really filled out. I've been watching her development very closely.

Erin:You know, Pete, I think your mustache looks really... distinctive. Like, if I saw it on a milk carton, I'd definitely call the number.

Erin:It's like a caterpillar is slowly eating his upper lip. And sometimes I think about what happens when it reaches the other side, and I have nightmares about it. But anyway, it looks great on him!

Jan:This is my daughter Astrid. Go ahead, tell them what you told me.

Astrid:My mommy is the most beautiful, smartest, and most talented woman in the whole world. Everyone says so.

Jan:She came up with that all by herself.

Jan:Oh, well, Astrid could spell her name when she was two. And use it in a sentence.

Jan:Spell Astrid.

Pam:A-S-T-R-I-D?

Jan:That's correct.

Dwight:Ryan is my secret weapon. I'm going to call him 'The Ryan' from now on. Actually, no—'Ryantiago.' No wait, 'Ryan Gosling.' No, that's taken. How about 'The Ryanator'? 'Ryan McAwesome'? 'Ryan Seacrest.' I'm going with 'Ryan Seacrest.'

Ryan:So where are we going? That new steakhouse downtown?

Dwight:Ryan, you ARE the product. I'm not taking you to a restaurant. I'm taking you to be sold.

Jan:Ryan would be perfect as my liaison.

Michael:That's great, Jan. Where are you thinking of taking him?

Jan:Eastern Europe.

Pam:You should get Molly's number.

Dwight:I have her license plate number. That's all I need.

Dwight:Pam, you're a woman. You should help with Molly. It's what you're naturally inclined to do.