Weight Loss

Michael:This is everyone's last meal.

Dwight:What do you mean?

Michael:We're on a diet. Starting tomorrow, no more food. We're all going to starve to death.

Jim:That's not how diets work, Michael.

Michael:Okay, fine. We eat salad. Same thing.

Michael:Okay, here's the strategy. We're gonna rig this thing so that I win. First, we cut off Dwight's water supply, so he becomes dehydrated and loses five pounds overnight. Then we convince Ryan that the bathroom is closed, so he holds it in and gains water weight. Classic misdirection.

Jim:Michael, that's insane.

Michael:Is it? Or is it genius? I'm thinking genius.

Kevin:Can I take these dumplings home?

Michael:No. No leftovers. Everything must be consumed here and now.

Kevin:But there's like two dozen—

Michael:I don't care if there's a hundred. The rule is the rule. We are a family, and families finish their food together. It's what the Pilgrims would have wanted.

Andy:I've been hitting the gym pretty hard, trying to get these abs in shape before the wedding. Angela's going to see me naked, and I want to look good.

Andy:I mean, that's probably too much information, but it's true.

Angela:Ex-squeeze me.

Andy:Did you just ask me to squeeze you?

Michael:Okay, one final bite before we weigh in.

Michael:But you have to hold it in your mouth. Don't swallow.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pam, you're gonna break the scale. Get off of there. Come on, we don't need any extra poundage on that thing.

Kevin:Whoa, 300 pounds? Pam, you're not telling us something?

Pam:What? No! That's the total weight of the boxes we're shipping.

Kevin:Oh... oh my God, I'm so sorry.

Holly:It's okay, Kevin. It happens.

Kevin:So... how much do you weigh then?

Pam:Kevin!

Holly:You weigh 260 pounds. That's what the scale says.

Kelly:I barely ate anything today. I had like half a granola bar.

Ryan:Yeah? Well I didn't eat anything. I just absorbed nutrients through my skin.

Stanley Hudson:I lost 40 pounds. My doctor said I had to lose weight or I would die. I said, 'Doc, I don't wanna brag, but I think I've been dying for a while now.' So he said, 'You need to exercise.' I said, 'Doc, I don't run. I don't jog. If I wanted to get somewhere fast, I'd take the car.'

Stanley:This is me back in the day. I was pretty muscular, kind of a rebel.

Stanley:Yeah, I was a real troublemaker.

Creed:So what's the deal with Holly's butt?

Jim:Whoa, whoa, whoa. No. Absolutely not. We're not doing this.

Creed:Why is nobody talking about Holly's butt?

Jim:Because that would be inappropriate.

Creed:Holly's from Mojave. She has two dogs. Her favorite movie is Beaches.

Creed:She's allergic to shellfish.

Creed:And I've never seen her skin.

Jim:Weren't you just in the bathroom?

Creed:Yeah, well, I'm done now.

Holly:I'm not looking to date right now. I'm really focused on my career.

Michael:Come on, Holly. You're a catch.

Holly:No, I mean... I'm just... I have a boyfriend. In New York. We're very serious.

Michael:That's not funny. Sexual orientation is not a choice. I have a very good friend who is gay, and he didn't choose that. And even if he did choose it, that would be fine too.

Michael:I was just joking.

Holly:I know you were! I knew that the whole time.

Holly:I'm going to go... do something else now.

Pam:I'm going to New York! I'm so excited. I'm gonna be all like, 'Yo, what's up, 212!'

Jim:Pam leaves in ten minutes.

Dwight:Ten minutes? That's not nearly enough time to fax something to corporate and get a response back. The fax machine is on the third floor, and with the current paper jam situation, we're looking at a minimum of fifteen to twenty minutes for a round-trip transmission.

Andy:Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. Angela, Angela!

Andy:You know what's funny about wedding planning? All these years, we're told women dream about their perfect wedding day. But you know what I've been fantasizing about? A venue with a killer sound system, an open bar, and nobody asking me to wear a boutonnière.

Andy:Welcome to my family's ancestral mansion. Isn't it beautiful?

Andy:I know what you're thinking - 'Andy, how did your family acquire such a magnificent estate?' Well, let me tell you about the Bernard family history...

Andy:It turns out my great-grandfather made his fortune in... let's just say 'questionable' business practices. Murder, embezzlement, a little light treason.

Andy:And my grandfather? He was worse. He once said, and I quote, 'The only good neighbor is a dead neighbor.' He meant it literally.

Andy:So yeah, this beautiful romantic mansion? Built on a foundation of crime, deceit, and at least three unsolved murders. Now, shall we dance?

Angela:This was a mistake. This never should have happened.

Dwight:A mistake? Angela, that was the most powerful moment of my life.

Angela:We work together, Dwight. This is completely inappropriate.

Dwight:Inappropriate? I've been waiting years for this. You felt it too, I know you did.

Michael:Pam, I want you to know that you've meant so much to me. I prepared a poem for this moment.

Michael:Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm making this up as I go, aren't I?

Michael:Look, the point is, you're like the daughter I never had. Or the sister. Or the... best friend who I'm weirdly emotional about leaving.

Michael:I wrote this poem myself. Well, actually, I compiled it from various sources.

Pam:You mean you plagiarized it?

Michael:No, no, no. I prefer to think of it as 'creative sampling.'

Jim:Pam thinks long engagements are bad. She says they give people too much time to, uh, run off with someone else's fiancée.

Jim:It's like Michael finally met someone as dorky as he is. They're like two puzzle pieces of awkwardness that somehow fit together perfectly.

Michael:Yo, yo, yo. I'm MC Soft Hands.

Holly:And I'm DJ Sweet Cheeks.

Michael:We're here to talk about healthy eating and exercise.

Holly:That's right.

Michael:Lose the weight, don't be a hater.

Holly:Word.

Kevin:Wow. Hi. I'm Kevin. From the warehouse.

Ronnie:Hi Kevin, I'm Ronnie.

Kevin:Ronnie. That's a beautiful name. You know, I think we're soulmates. I'm going to marry you.

Professor:Kelly, are you okay? You seem upset.

Kelly:Upset? I'm fine! I'm great! I'm on a new diet where I only eat things that are angry at me first. So far I've had two gas station coffees and a very confrontational apple.

Kelly:I'm on this new diet where I only eat foods that are a different color than when they were alive. So I can eat a carrot because it's orange and it was orange when it was alive. But I can't eat a blueberry because it's blue and it was blue when it was alive.

Kelly:I'm gonna be a size two by summer. I'm gonna look amazing in a bikini.

Jan:They used my candles for a vigil. Do you know how much exposure that is? That's huge for my business.

Jim:A vigil for what?

Jan:I don't know, some tragedy or something. But Jim, think about it — my candles were there.

Jim:So Michael just came out and said it directly.

Michael:Pam is pregnant.

Jim:Yeah, with a baby.

Oscar:Yeah, she's beautiful, but she's also insane.

Angela:Kevin is an idiot.

Holly:That's not fair, Angela. Kevin is a very smart man. He just has a different way of learning things.

Angela:Holly, he thought a podcast was a jacket.

Holly:Well, maybe he's just not auditory. Kevin, you're more of a visual learner, right?

Kevin:I don't know what that means.

Holly:Kevin, you're mentally challenged.

Kevin:Mentally challenged? Or like, like, I'm not smart?

Angela:No. No. Absolutely not. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Angela:Well, I have a very specific nighttime routine. First, I lay out my clothes for the next day in the order I'll put them on. Then I brush my teeth for exactly two minutes—not a second more, not a second less. After that, I floss each tooth individually, which takes about fifteen minutes. Then I use my tongue scraper, my water pick, and my electric toothbrush again just to be safe. I apply my night cream in upward strokes only, never downward, as that causes sagging. Then I set my alarm for 5 AM, 5:15 AM, 5:30 AM, and 5:45 AM. Then I say my prayers, which is usually about forty-five minutes, and then I lie in bed completely still for exactly eight hours before getting up and starting again.

Pam:Yeah, so tonight I'm probably just gonna grab some dinner, maybe catch up on some shows.

Pam:Oh, and then I'm going clubbing with Beyoncé.

Michael:Ronnie, you are an absolute legend. Your work ethic is unmatched, your dedication is inspiring, and frankly, you're one of the best employees I've ever had the privilege of managing.

Ronnie:That's not true at all. I'm lazy, I'm unreliable, and I hate working here.

Michael:Why do you always have to be so dead inside?

Ronnie:I'm not dead inside.

Michael:You're the worst. No, actually, you know what? That deadpan thing you do is kind of amazing.

Stanley:I lost two pounds.

Stanley:You're welcome.

Angela:It's all about willpower. I haven't had sex in three years.

Oscar:What do you think is the number one cause of death?

Kevin:Shotgun weddings.

Oscar:What?

Kevin:You know, shotgun weddings. People get shot at weddings all the time.

Michael:How are we all gonna live forever?

Michael:We could do cryogenics. I'll do it if you guys do it. But I want to lose five pounds first.

Jan:You need to be responsible about these things, Jim. Use protection.

Jim:Yeah, okay.

Jan:I'm serious. I didn't use protection once, and I got a surprise pregnancy.

Andy:Angela, I've been thinking about our wedding venues, and I want to make sure we pick the perfect place. Somewhere romantic, somewhere that means something to us. Because what we have is special, and I want our wedding day to reflect that.

Stanley:I don't like cake anymore.

Stanley:Now I'm into pudding skins. Just the skins.

Holly:Scranton men are handsome.

Holly:Well, except for the serial killer and Kevin.

Creed:I've lost 30 pounds in two weeks. My secret? A tapeworm.

Ryan:Yeah, about that... it wasn't actually a tapeworm. It was just a regular worm I found in the parking lot.

Ryan:Kevin... you think you're so funny with your chili, but I'm going to remember this. I'm adding you to the list.

Ryan:Right between Dwight and that barista who got my order wrong in 2008.

Ryan:I volunteer to help with the charity drive.

Jim:That's great, Ryan. How many hours can you commit?

Ryan:Uh, 40 hours.

Jim:Interesting. And this is completely voluntary?

Ryan:Yes, totally voluntary.

Jim:So you're choosing to do this of your own free will?

Ryan:Well, my lawyer said it would look good...

Jim:Your lawyer? Ryan, is this court-ordered?

Ryan:It's community service, Jim. But I'm volunteering my attitude.

Kelly:Dieting is really hard. I mean, it's not like I have a lot of willpower to begin with.

Kelly:But you know what? My life has been really easy. So I guess that makes sense.

Ryan:Kelly, I'm sorry. I just... I haven't processed 9/11 yet.

Kelly:Ryan, that was like ten years ago.

Ryan:I know, but I'm a very deep person.

Dwight:Phyllis, I have to say, you're looking trim. Did you lose weight?

Phyllis:Thank you, Dwight. I've been working out.

Dwight:Well, it shows. You know, I noticed you were getting a bit heavy, so I took the liberty of hiding your purse during our sales calls. You had to walk everywhere. It was actually an intervention.

Phyllis:You what?

Michael:I'm like a big fat pig.

Michael:But I'm a beautiful pig.

Michael:Fat people are just big-boned. There's nothing wrong with them.

Holly:RAAAAWR! GRRRRAAAAAHHHHH!

Kevin:Her skin looks like it could use some lotion.

Kelly:I'm not just a pretty face. I'm also extremely delusional about my own appearance.

Kevin:So Ryan, I've been thinking about growing out my beard. You know, really let it get thick and full.

Ryan:Okay...

Kevin:I figure with my facial hair, I could really make a statement. You know what I'm saying?

Ryan:I'm really not sure where you're going with this.

Kevin:I'm just saying, we could be beard brothers. Get it? Brothers?

Ryan:Yeah, I got it. That's... that's not happening.

Jim:You write me up, I write you up.

Dwight:You wouldn't dare.

Jim:Try me.

Dwight:I have documentation on everything you've done wrong for the past five years.

Jim:And I have photos of you eating tuna fish at your desk.

Dwight:That's not even illegal.

Jim:It should be.

Jim:Pam, I know this isn't the fanciest place, but I wanted to ask you something.

Pam:Jim, are we really doing this at a rest stop?

Jim:Will you marry me?

Pam:Yes! Oh my God, yes!

Ryan:Yeah, so I got hit by a bus.

Ryan:But the important thing is, my laptop was fine.