Weight Loss

Michael:This is your last meal. So eat up.

Michael:From this point forward, you will not use the bathroom. We need to keep our starting weights high so we can lose more.

Kevin · Michael:I'm taking the dumplings for my wife. / No, no, no! This is your last meal. There will be no leftovers.

Andy:I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.

Angela · Andy:Ex-squeeze me. / No, I will ex-squeeze you.

Michael:Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.

Michael:Pam-cake, no, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose.

Kevin · Pam · Holly:Pam, you weigh 226 pounds? / Almost, Kevin. / Not almost though, Holly. I mean, not-- not close to 200.

Holly:Math is hard.

Kelly · Ryan:All I had this weekend to eat was a chicken breast and a case of diet coke. / Really? / Yeah. / 'Cause I haven't eaten anything since noon on Friday.

Stanley:I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons. The truth is I have lost a little of my speed. A little of my fire.

Stanley:Here's what I used to look like. Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.

Creed · Jim:Jimbo. / Ah, they moved the shower. / Did you see Holly's butt? / Nope, I didn't.

Jim:Because most of the time friends don't talk about other friends' butts.

Creed:And that her butt refuses to quit!

Creed · Jim:That's insane. I thought you had to pee. / I'll just go later.

Holly:Actually, I'm a lesbian. / I'm gay. / I'm not a lesbian. I don't know why I said that. Stupid joke.

Michael:Oh, you think it's a choice?

Michael · Holly:I'm messing with you, Holly. / I knew that. Okay, bye.

Pam:I will be a little fish in the big apple. What up, 212?

Dwight:It's not gonna take her ten minutes to fax it, Jim.

Andy:Ang... Ela. Ela ela ela under my angerela ela ela ela eh eh eh--

Andy:Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.

Andy:No, no. This is where my parents decided not to get divorced.

Dwight · Angela:Oh, we done good in there, half-pint. / Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.

Michael:I wrote you a good-bye poem. It's really long. I left it... Up in my office. Could you just please wait till I go get it?

Michael · Pam:The last word is 'seagulls.' / I'm sure it was really lovely. / I took a lot from other poems.

Jim:Something about a guy who used to work here.

Jim:I can't believe I'm saying this, but Michael is actually killing it with Holly. And I think I know why. It's because Holly is kind of a major dork.

Michael:I'm MC Mike Scott, and I am hot she's DJ Jazzy Flax, and she is the best

Kevin:I don't really know Ronnie. But I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years. And eventually declare my love for her.

Pam:Sorry I'm late. I accidentally switched my alarm clock setting to Zapf Chancery.

Professor · Kelly:You're shaking. Are you all right? / Just leave me alone! I am on the third day of my cleanse diet.

Kelly:I just bought some bikinis online, size two. So... Gonna look amazing

Jan · Jim:You remember last week when that girl went missing? Guess whose candles they used for the vigil? / Cool. / Thank god they found her too. / Oh, they found her?

Jim:When Michael told us that Jan was pregnant, he led us to believe that he was the father... By telling us that he was the father.

Oscar:Yes, she is. And clinically insane.

Holly · Angela · Kevin:No! You do not talk to him like that! / But he's an idiot! / He is not an idiot. / Thank you, Holly. / He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.

Kevin:Do you think that I'm retarded?

Angela:Dangerous, tacky, sharks, haunted-- no.

Angela:I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book, and it's lights out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night.

Pam:I'm gonna watch HGTV, and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.

Michael · Ronnie:We call her Rice-a-Ronnie. She is hilarious. She is wonderful. A beam of light in this dark, dark office. / Not really so much.

Ronnie · Michael:The nerve. / Oh, calm down, weirdo. It's just a joke. She's such a weirdo!

Stanley:I was at the hospital. I lost four pounds. I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds.

Angela:I once went 28 years without having sex. And then again for seven years.

Kevin · Oscar:Shotgun weddings. / That's not what that is. / Fright. Being scared to death.

Michael:Cryogenics. Spare me five.

Jan:I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.

Andy:All I care about is that we're gonna spend the rest of our lives together.

Stanley:Stanley, now all I like is baklava.

Holly:Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.

Creed · Ryan:I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me, and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months, I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico. / That wasn't a tapeworm.

Ryan:I'm keeping a list of everyone who wrongs me, so when I'm back on top, they'll be sorry. Kevin just made the list.

Ryan · Jim:I've even started, um, volunteering. Giving back to the community. / That's great. / You're talking about your court-ordered community service? / I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean. / But he did, right?

Kelly:This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.

Ryan:I wanted to say I'm sorry for treating you bad the past couple of years. I-- I was in my mid-twenties, and... I was going through a lot of stuff. I think I never really processed 9/11.

Dwight · Phyllis:Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen! / You left me in a bad part of town. / Yeah, I took your purse. What are you worried about?

Michael:This big fat pig is beautiful.

Michael · Holly:Fat people are not monsters. / Bang, boom! Case in point.

Kevin:Hell of an ass.

Kelly:I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.

Kevin · Ryan:Shaved off my goatee. I am goatee-less. We are the goat-less brothers. / Yeah, yep!

Jim · Dwight:I'm gonna write you both up for not working. / I'm gonna write you up for not working. / Okay. Well played. / Neither of us will write the other up for not working.

Jim · Pam:Pam, will you marry me? / Oh, my god! / So? / Yes!

Ryan:I went zip-lining my third day in Costa Rica. I... Guess the harness wasn't strapped in exactly right. I broke my neck. And... I've been in the hospital five weeks now. Still haven't seen the beach.