Weight Loss

Michael:Michael declares the pre-weigh-in meal everyone's 'last meal' and bans bathroom use to keep starting weights artificially high

Michael · Dwight:The dumplings standoff — Michael forbids leftovers, someone offers to take them to a shelter, but Dwight takes his dumplings home to his wife anyway despite Michael's rule

Michael:Don't go breaking my scale.

Dwight:Dwight talking-head: 'I'm excited to lose weight for the wedding, because I really want to have washboard abs the first time Angela sees me naked.'

Michael · Dwight:'Ex-squeeze me.' / 'No, I will ex-squeeze you.'

Michael:Michael: 'Wait a minute. One more bite of éclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can't swallow.'

Michael · Office:The office collectively weighs 2,336 pounds — reaction beat where this number lands on everyone

Michael · Pam:Michael kicks Pam off the scale: 'Pam-cake, no, no, no. We would love your extra poundage, but you are going to be leaving us next week, so vamoose!'

Kevin · Holly · Pam:Kevin asks Pam if she weighs 226 pounds. Holly awkwardly tries to cover. 'Math is hard.' 'Yeah.' 'Just... We'll, just keep going.'

Stanley:Stanley leaves right before weigh-in, claiming he forgot something in his car — clearly sneaking food

Stanley:Stanley talking-head: 'I happen to be losing weight on my own for my own reasons.'

Stanley:Stanley talking-head with old photo: 'Here's what I used to look like. Look at those biceps. We were fighting the power and eating whatever we wanted.'

Andy · Jim:Andy bursts out: 'Did you see Holly's butt?' Jim: 'No, I didn't. You know why? Because most of the time, friends don't talk about other friends' butts.'

Jim · Andy:Jim lists Holly's qualities: broke her left leg twice in one year, allergic to sesame seeds, read Lonesome Dove three times — then: 'And that her butt refuses to quit.'

Andy · Jim:'That's insane. I thought you had to pee.' — reaction to Jim apparently deciding to wait rather than use the bathroom (following Michael's no-bathroom rule)

Holly · Oscar:Holly suggests a yoga teacher as a romantic prospect for a coworker — 'He's a catch.' The coworker responds: 'Actually, I'm a lesbian.' Then immediately walks it back.

Oscar · Holly:Holly: 'I'm messing with you, Holly.' — Oscar catches her, and she immediately claims she knew: 'I knew that. Okay, bye.'

Pam:Pam: 'I will be a little fish in the Big Apple. What up, two-one-two?'

Jim · Unknown coworker:Pam is leaving in 10 minutes. Someone asks her to fax something. Jim calls it out; the response: 'It's not going to take her 10 minutes to fax it, Jim.'

Unknown coworker · Pam:'If I don't see you again, goodbye.' / 'Well, actually, I'll see you when you give me the fax confirmation. So never mind.'

Andy:Andy serenades Angela to the tune of 'Umbrella' by Rihanna: 'Ang...ela / Ela, ela, ela / Under my Angerela / Ela, ela, eh, eh'

Andy:Andy pitches The Breakers, Newport, RI as a wedding venue: 'My dad went to Cornell with the current groundskeeper.'

Andy:Andy talking-head: 'Every little boy fantasizes about his fairytale wedding.'

Angela:Angela's reactions to Andy's venue pitches: 'No. No.' / 'I don't care. Okay.' / 'How do you feel about Maine?'

Angela · Dwight:Angela and Dwight's secret romantic moment in the office is followed by: 'Well, that was the last time, Dwight. I mean it.' / 'Monkey.' / 'No. No. I have a fiancé I very much like.'

Michael · Pam:Michael wrote Pam a goodbye poem — the last word is 'seagulls' — and left it upstairs, asking her to wait while he gets it

Jim:Jim talking-head: 'Why haven't I proposed yet? ...we just decided that we didn't want to spend the first three months of our engagement apart. Something in her past, I guess. Not really sure of the whole story, but something about a guy who used to work here.'

Michael · Office:The office lost 31 pounds after week one — genuine celebration erupts

Michael · Holly:Michael and Holly perform a joint rap: 'I'm MC Mike Scott and I am hot / She's DJ Jazzy Flax and she is the best / All the sucker branches can suck our fat / Wicka-wicka-wicka what?'

Jim:Jim talking-head about Ronni, the temp: 'I have a feeling I will get to know her very well over the next few years. And eventually declare my love for her.'

Pam · Professor:Pam shows up to the wrong class at Pratt, sits down anyway, and the professor calls her out: 'It looks like I'm boring someone already.' / 'No, I just...' / 'Please sit down.'

Kelly:Kelly is shaking and snapping at people on day three of her maple syrup/lemon juice/cayenne pepper cleanse. Talking-head: 'I just bought some bikinis online, size two. So... Gonna look amazing!'

Jan · Kevin · Oscar:Jan shows up at the office to use the copier. 'How's the candle game?' / 'Serenity by Jan is kicking ass and taking names.' / 'You remember last week when that girl went missing — guess whose candles they used for the vigil?' / 'Cool. Thank God they found her, too.' / 'Oh, they found her?'

Oscar · Unknown:Oscar about Jan: 'She's very beautiful.' / 'Yeah, she is. And clinically insane.'

Oscar · Holly:Oscar, after the lesbian/yoga incident, quietly goes back to Holly: 'I don't know if your offer still stands or whatever, but you can give your yoga teacher my number.'

Dwight · Holly · Kevin:Dwight berates Kevin over the spreadsheet — Holly intervenes, defending him. Then Holly reveals she thinks Kevin is mentally challenged: 'He is mentally challenged. But he's doing a super job here.'

Kevin:Kevin talking-head, crushed: 'Do you think that I'm retarded?'

Andy:Andy talking-head about his sleep routine: 'I have a nice comforter and several cozy pillows. I usually read a chapter of a book and it's lights-out by 8:30. That's how I sleep at night.'

Pam · Jim:Jim and Pam's first video call — Jim is still trying to set it up while Pam riffs: 'Ceramics class, then dinner by myself. I'm going to watch HGTV, and maybe go to Bungalow 8 with John Mayer.'

Michael · Ronni:Michael introduces Ronni as 'Rice-a-Ronni': 'She is hilarious, she is wonderful, a beam of light in this dark, dark office.' / Ronni in talking-head: 'Not really so much. All she does is plop herself down there and answer phones all day. The nerve.'

Michael · Pam:Michael's 'real beef' with Ronni: she can't find the colored paperclips. He asks Pam — via video call from New York — to help Ronni find them on the supply shelf.

Michael:After week two weigh-in: 'You all gained five pounds back. Damn it. Come on!'

Unknown:One branch lost a pound — because a character was hospitalized on an IV for two days: 'I lost four pounds.' / 'I don't know what those other fools were doing, but I lost four pounds.'

Phyllis:Phyllis has replaced Angela on the Party Planning Committee. 'I guess I was just in the right place at the right time.'

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis suggests fruit instead of cake for the birthday party. Michael: 'We only lost one pound, Phyllis.'

Michael · Andy · Kevin:'Does anyone have any idea what the number one cause of death is in this country?' / 'Shotgun weddings.' / 'That's not what that is.' / 'Fright. Being scared to death.'

Michael · Dwight:'I want us all to live forever. How? How are we going to do this?' / 'Cryogenics.' / 'Beer me five.'

Jan · Jim:Jan stops Jim: 'I don't want you to end up with a surprise pregnancy like me.' Hands him condoms.

Angela:Angela's impossible wedding requirements list: 'Thousand-year-old church in the continental United States. There has to be a rainbow. 24-hour veterinarian on call.'

Jim:Jim: 'I'll marry you right here in this building. I'll marry you in the parking lot. I'll marry you in the eye of a hurricane in the middle of a snow storm on top of a monsoon.'

Michael · Holly:Michael shows off Pam's art (which we can see is a building sketch) to Holly: 'Oh. So rude of me. Have you seen Pam's new art? It's right there. Check it out.' — a long silence as Holly looks at it.

Jim:Jim's talking-head from Pam's dorm: 'Some girl came into Pam's room crying about her roommate stealing her soy milk. So I'm in here waiting it out.'

Stanley · Michael:Michael: 'Stanley, you can eat a slice of your birthday cake.' Stanley: 'I don't like cake anymore.' / 'Why not, dawg?' / 'Taste changed. Now all I like is baklava.'

Michael · Holly:Michael: 'We should have a party and not invite them.' / 'Yeah. Let's go mini-golfing.' / 'Yeah?' / Holly: 'Oh, hey, could I have a rain check on the mini-golf? I actually have a date tonight.'

Michael:Michael about Holly's date prospects: 'I think you'll have fun because men from Scranton are handsome and they know how to show a woman a good time. Not that guy who murdered his mother. He was not so handsome. Also Kevin.'

Michael:Michael: 'Holly doesn't need luck. Everyone that meets her instantly loves her.' Then immediately: 'Party's over! You're so busted!'

Michael:Michael's talking-head spin: 'The bad news is we're not doing very well, so we really had to starve ourselves this whole week. But the good news is all the other branches are doing just as bad as we are... So if we stay fat long enough, we may actually get a whole month off.'

Dwight · Creed:Dwight talking-head: 'I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It's going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don't get fat. And then after three months, I take some medicine and then I pass it.' / 'Creed sold it to me. It's from Mexico.'

Creed:Creed's talking-head response to the tapeworm revelation: 'That wasn't a tapeworm.'

Jim · Ryan · Kevin:Ryan returns with a goatee. Jim: 'And you got a goatee.' Ryan: 'I did.' Jim: 'Did you get that after you helped me move and you saw mine?' Ryan: 'Yes.' Jim: 'Goatee!' / 'Fired guy!'

Ryan · Jim:Ryan's apology to Jim includes: 'I realized there's so much more to life than being the youngest VP in the company's history.' Jim: 'You're talking about your court-ordered community service?' Ryan: 'I don't need a judge to tell me to keep my community clean.' Jim: 'But he did, right?'

Michael:Michael: 'Kelly and I are the only ones who've either passed out or almost passed out!'

Michael:Michael talking-head: 'This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my entire life. I haven't had a very hard life.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight confronting Michael about Holly's date: 'This is your fault. No. Your stupid friend zone. I should have been lovers with her first and then friends. That was terrible advice. Terrible advice! You know my seduction method. I like to get in there and get my hands dirty. You sabotaged me. You sabotaged me, man!'

Michael:Michael's liposuction proposal: 'I'm going to randomly select three names and these three people will get liposuction.' / 'Stanley, Phyllis, Kevin. And you will be responsible for your own medical bills.'

Ryan · Kelly:Ryan apologizes to Kelly: 'I think I never really processed 9/11.' Kelly's response: 'Cool. We should get a drink later, catch up.' / 'Pick me up around 8:00?'

Kelly · Ryan:Kelly's brutal rejection of Ryan's reconciliation attempt: 'I'm dating Darryl still and we're like crazy in love, so...' / Ryan: 'Cool.' — five-second pause — 'Well, maybe I'll see you around. It's a small office.'

Jim · Pam:Jim is hiding from his ex-girlfriend in a restaurant: 'Just hide me.' / 'Wow, was it the age difference?' / 'Actually, kind of, yes. I just didn't like eating dinner that early.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head from the restaurant: 'I made friends.' — as a triumphant conclusion to hiding from his ex-girlfriend

Dwight · Phyllis:Dwight reveals there was no client — he drove Phyllis to an abandoned warehouse five miles away and pushed her out of the car. She had to walk home with no money and no phone.

Michael:Michael: 'Phyllis Vance, ladies and gentlemen.' — applauding Phyllis being stranded and forced to walk, as a weight loss achievement

Dwight:Dwight: 'I took your purse. What are you worried about?'

Phyllis · Michael:Phyllis calls David Wallace: 'Dunder Mifflin wants to make it clear that Dunder Mifflin does not discriminate nor does it condone unhealthy dieting habits or extreme weight loss strategies, as was clearly stated in the official...' — Michael interrupts: 'Oh, bang, boom, shake, klump!'

Michael · Holly:Michael enters in a half-inflated sumo suit as 'Michael Klump.' Holly calls it out: 'Because you're kind of doing Michael Klump.' / 'How do you know Michael Klump?' / 'Because it's your making fun of fat people character.' / 'How dare you! Michael Klump is a celebration of fat people.'

Michael · Holly:Holly and Michael debate whether 'I say, I say, I say, I'll sit on you' is Klump's catchphrase. Michael corrects her wrong version while demonstrating his own 'correct' version of the same thing.

Michael · Holly:Holly confronts Michael: 'Because you're kind of doing Michael Klump.' Michael: 'How do you know Michael Klump?' Holly: 'Because it's your making-fun-of-fat-people character.' Michael: 'How dare you! Michael Klump is a celebration of fat people.' Holly: 'I think of him as more like a monster.'

Michael:Michael's body image speech about the building: 'Look at the outside of this building. It is ugly. But you come inside and it is beautiful. Just like this unappealing fat suit. Inside is a rather handsome, sexy man.'

Dwight · Michael · Phyllis:Dwight is asked to apologize to Phyllis for the abandoned-warehouse incident. His apology: 'I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.' Michael: 'Finally. Right?' Michael then compliments Phyllis's 'gams.'

Dwight:Dwight's apology: 'I apologize for creating a ruse which forced you to exercise.'

Michael · Andy · Kevin · Meredith:Michael puts Kelly on a chair so the office can name her beautiful features. Andy: 'Hell of an ass.' Kevin: 'I wonder what people like about me.' / Meredith: 'Probably my jugs.'

Jim:Jim's talking-head from summer: 'Summer's going great. Just spent two hours listening to Michael Klump. I have a weird pain in my left side that I'm convinced is an ulcer. My girlfriend lives in New York, and I haven't seen her in 10 days. How's your summer?'

Holly:Holly's date was an 8.5 but she got a red wine stain on her favorite shirt. Three days later, no call. She has Counting Crows tickets for tonight.

Michael:'I say we have a parade.' — in response to the office losing 4 pounds

Andy · Pam:Andy talks-head about his nephew's tee ball game: 'Tonight is my nephew's tee ball game and I kind of missed the first three, so...' Pam: 'You've already disappointed him so much. He can't be expecting a lot from you.' Andy: 'I know. I suck.' Pam: 'Yes, you do.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight IM each other while sitting near each other in the office. 'What are you writing about me?' 'I'm going to write you both up for not working.' — Jim and Dwight immediately turn it around to threaten to write each other up.

Michael · Holly:Michael is asking Holly if 'that guy' called. He overheard her conversation with Oscar. Holly: 'And you know what? I even got two tickets to see the Counting Crows tonight as a surprise. Why do guys not call when they say they're going to call?' Michael: 'I don't know. I always call everybody back right away.' — pause — 'But he'll call back, though. Give him until the end of the day. He'll call. He'll call. If he doesn't, he is loco.'

Michael · Holly:Michael buys Holly's Counting Crows tickets from her and then asks if he can pay tomorrow because he has a $60 ATM limit.

Andy · Office:The office turns on fans and heaters and runs in place to sweat out weight before the final weigh-in. Andy talking-head: 'Andy Bernard does not lose contests. He wins them. Or he quits them because they're unfair.'

Andy · Angela:Angela's first dance demand: 'The Little Drummer Boy.' Andy agrees immediately and reveals his a cappella group 'Here Comes Treble, class of '96' has been booked, will be the wedding band AND collectively his best man, and are crashing with them for three weeks.

Jim · Pam:Jim proposes to Pam at a gas station in the rain, at the midpoint of their drives, because he can't wait.

Office · Michael:Office reaction to Jim and Pam's absence during the final weigh-in: 'God! Where is Jim?' — then the cut to the proposal reveal

Holly:Holly: 'I have to say, I think the problem with that whole thing... was that he was a complete stupid idiot.'

Michael:Michael's final motivational speech: 'I don't care what any stupid scale says, you guys are all gigantic losers.'

Michael:Michael talking-head: 'I don't know about anyone else, but it was a good summer for me. I lost seven pounds. And you know what? I'm just going to take five days off anyway.'

Unknown:Final tag: An unnamed character went zip lining in Costa Rica on day three, the harness wasn't strapped right, they broke their neck, have been in the hospital for five weeks, still haven't seen the beach, and 'It's nice to have visitors.'