A mystery woman at the office blood drive catches Michael's eye. Dwight and Kevin both find women at the "Lonely Hearts Party," while Jim and Pam are forced to leave because of PDAs—so they have lunch with Phyllis and Bob.
WAR
62.7
Wins Above Replacement
“Blood Drive” ranks #158 of 183 The Office episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 83.9 — Elite. The episode packs 66 scored jokes at 3.5 per minute, averaging 7.0 on craft and 6.9 on impact, with Michael landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Dwight: Dwight at blood drive: 'I've trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.'
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Michael · Oscar: Michael: 'Where's Andy?' Oscar: 'He's on one of his honeymoons.' Michael: 'What?' Oscar: 'He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's knockin' 'em off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning, and later he's got a couples' massage.'
Dwight: Dwight: 'You're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Like the guy who invented the seat belt.'
Dwight Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Kevin: Kevin's worst breakup story: 'I said, "My god. I think the Eagles could clinch the N.F.C. East." And she said... "We're done."'
Kevin Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Meredith: Meredith: 'My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them, and when things went bad, they had a duel over me.'
Meredith Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Standout Moments
Dwight: Dwight at blood drive: 'I've trained my major blood vessels to retract into my body on command. Also, I can retract my penis up into itself.'
Dwight Character Comedy Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Michael · Oscar: Michael: 'Where's Andy?' Oscar: 'He's on one of his honeymoons.' Michael: 'What?' Oscar: 'He made non-refundable deposits on his honeymoons, so he's knockin' 'em off one at a time. I think today he's hot air ballooning, and later he's got a couples' massage.'
Dwight: Dwight: 'You're not allowing natural selection to do its work. Like the guy who invented the seat belt.'
Dwight Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback All Jokes — 66 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Dwight · Salesman: Dwight impersonates a receptionist to intercept a salesman, pretending Michael isn't in — while Michael is clearly nearby
Dwight · Salesman: Dwight (as receptionist) describes his own job being replaced: 'Basically, 95% of my job. But I'd like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone.' Salesman: 'Vending machine.'
Michael · Dwight · Salesman: Michael breaks his own cover and introduces himself to the salesman he sent Dwight to deflect: 'Michael Scott, manager. How are you?'
Michael · Dwight: Michael: 'That was funny. Let's go do it to somebody else.'
Michael: Michael on Valentine's Day decorations: 'Really shoving our faces in it this year.'
Michael Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Michael · Kevin: Michael to Kevin: 'It's been four months since I was with Holly. And she was way hotter than Stacy. So, if you think you're hurting...' Kevin: 'I can't even imagine.'
Jim · Michael · Pam: Jim to Michael: 'You're only engaged once.' Michael: 'Present company excluded...' Jim: 'Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday?'
Michael: Jim to Michael about calling him out on Valentine's Day: 'Really, Jim? On Cupid's birthday?'
Dwight: Dwight reads his 'Valentine' aloud: 'Roses are red, violets are blue, it's time for your dental cleaning and maybe a check-up, too.'
Dwight Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Michael · Pam: Michael moves Pam's flowers off her desk to the floor, claiming 'I wouldn't want them to fall' — a thin excuse to hide them from singles
Jim · Pam: Jim and/or Pam react to Dwight's Valentine with 'Look at those. How nice for you. Up there front and center, beautiful' — the condescending sweetness of not correcting him
Jim Pam Reaction Beat Irony/Sarcasm Callback Michael: Michael's talking head: 'Just about everybody in this office is single right now, including me... everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion.'
Michael Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Michael · Jim: Michael to Jim: 'The sexy looks between you and Pam, the general sexiness, the flowers... It's creating a bit of a hostile work environment.' Jim: 'It's so sexy it becomes hostile.'
Michael: 'A lonely hearts convention this afternoon. Singles only. Deal with it, Pam!'
Michael: Michael at the blood drive sees the needle: 'That's a big needle.' Nurse: 'You're gonna need to lie down over here.' Michael: 'I can't talk right now. I'm sorry.'
Michael Character Comedy Reaction Beat Unnamed Man (Toby-adjacent) · Unnamed Woman: Man at blood drive: 'When I get nervous I sort of clam up.' Woman: 'That's fine.' Man: 'It's better for me just to be quiet.' Woman: 'You're actually talking a lot.'
Unnamed Man: Man: 'Sorry, it's the other thing I do when I get really nervous.' (talking too much, contradicting his claim of going quiet)
Michael: Michael: 'I feel like a human juice box.'
Michael Character Comedy Observational Kevin · Oscar: Kevin: 'Hawaiian Blood Punch.' Oscar: 'That's gross.' Kevin: 'Type O-cean Spray.'
Phyllis · Jim · Pam: Phyllis: 'Why don't you guys come and have lunch with Bob and me? We'll take all afternoon. Michael is terrified of Bob.'
Jim: Jim: 'I have a lot of work to do this afternoon. Those mines aren't gonna sweep themselves.'
Jim Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Kevin: Kevin (presumably after his elaborate excuse about mine-sweeping) simply says 'We're in.'
Kevin Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Unnamed Man: Man at blood drive: 'I looked at the bag. I looked straight at the bag.' (referring to his blood bag)
Unnamed Man · Unnamed Woman: Woman tries to distract him: 'Bags.' Man: 'What? That was bad.' Woman: 'A hat.' Man: 'A hat with no blood in it.' Woman: 'That is full of soup.'
Unnamed Woman: Woman says 'You're cute' to the nervous man; then immediately: 'You're done.'
Unnamed Man: Man after blood draw: 'I was so nervous about this I don't think I ate for three days.' Then faints.
Unnamed Man: Man regaining consciousness: 'How long was I out?'
Michael: Michael wakes up from fainting, immediately asks the waitress where 'the lady' went — he's conflated the blood drive with a restaurant
Dwight: Dwight tears the wings off a paper Cupid decoration, leaving just the baby: 'Now it's just a stupid baby.'
Dwight Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Bob Vance · Phyllis: Phyllis about working with Michael, Dwight, and Andy: 'I honestly don't know how you can work with this jack-ass and that other jack-ass and that new jack-ass.'
Jim · Phyllis: Jim: 'He's talking about Michael, Dwight and Andy.' Phyllis: 'I understood.'
Jim Phyllis Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Callback Michael: Michael: 'Alone but together. No flowers for us. Relationships? We don't need no stinkin' relationships.'
Michael Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Michael · Kelly: Michael: 'Kelly, what about Ryan? He treated you pretty terribly...' Kelly: 'His heart was in the right place.' Michael: 'But now his heart is in Thailand... Along with the rest of his body, having random sex.'
Michael · Oscar: Michael tries to get Oscar to share a story: 'I'm sure whatever you did wasn't your fault.' Oscar declines. Awkward silence and Michael moves on.
Michael: Michael: 'Everyone here who's bowled a 280, please raise your hand.' (pause) 'Now everyone here who's bowled under 70 raise their hand.'
Michael Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Bob Vance · Jim: Bob Vance reveals Jim bowled five frames with a pink sparkly ball 'until a little girl had to ask for her ball back.' Jim: 'That girl must have had monstrous hands because the holes fit.'
Bob Vance · Jim: Bob Vance: 'You could model ladies' jewelry.' Jim: 'Nobody asked, Bob.'
Kevin · Unnamed Woman: Woman at singles party shares that a man told her he wasn't gay — then was spotted in a gay bar in Kansas City. Kevin: 'Then it's a happy ending, because he was gay. You should call him.'
Meredith: Meredith: 'My worst breakup was actually two breakups. Two different men. I was in love with both of them, and when things went bad, they had a duel over me.'
Meredith Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Michael: After Meredith says two men dueled over her, Michael's reaction: 'Dwight and Andy. We were here.' — then realizes it was years ago with different men
Michael Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Kevin: Kevin's worst breakup story: 'I said, "My god. I think the Eagles could clinch the N.F.C. East." And she said... "We're done."'
Kevin Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Michael · Dwight: Michael: 'I look around and I see all these beautiful people who are alone on Valentine's.' Then: 'There has to be a way to get all these lonely people together.' Dwight: 'A net? A giant net?'
Dwight: Dwight on a singles mixer: 'Terrible idea. Old-fashioned meat market. Lonely people mixing with one another? Breeding? Creating an even lonelier generation?'
Dwight Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Michael: Michael talking head: 'I am going to be Cupid, and I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims... "I'm in love! I was hit by Cupid's sparrow." Funny little bird, but he gets the job done.'
Michael · Kevin · Lynn: Michael spots an attractive woman in the office park: 'Babe alert! I'm Michael Scott. Welcome to our little shindig.' Then immediately assigns her to Kevin: 'For you, we have one of our top people. Kevin Malone.'
Michael · Kevin · Lynn: Michael pushes Kevin toward Lynn: 'So run with the ball. Run with it, Kev.' Kevin's approach: 'Where are you from?' Lynn: 'I'm from here.' (long pause) Michael: 'He only gets better.'
Kevin · Lynn: Kevin to Lynn: 'I can untie any knot. I'm serious. Name a knot, any knot. Go ahead.' Lynn: 'I believe you.' Kevin: 'You shouldn't believe everything you hear. In fact, there are many knots that I cannot untie.'
Dwight · Lynn: Dwight to Lynn: 'Where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today?' Lynn: 'I work at a place that does catalogs for community colleges and small businesses.' Dwight: 'You must use a lot of paper.'
Dwight: Dwight uses his opening line on a woman at the mixer: 'Where does a woman as charming as yourself find herself employed on a day such as today?'
Dwight Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Pam · Jim: Pam: 'What's the rule about eating when people are in the bathroom?' Jim: 'I think if you ordered hot food, you're allowed to eat.' Pam: 'Damn.' Then: 'They've been in there for like ten minutes.'
Pam Jim Observational Cringe/Discomfort Unnamed Man: Unnamed man at mixer to the woman he met: 'The circle drive-in, they show old movies. It's really cool. I used to go there with my fiancee. Before she left me. I mean, before I left her.' (pause) 'She left me.'
Michael: Michael: 'So Erik, you mentioned before that you are in tool and dye repair.' Michael: 'Meredith recently had a total hysterectomy. So that's sort of a repair.'
Michael Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Michael · Jim: Jim notices Michael keeps glancing at the door; Michael explains he met a woman giving blood and their blood bags touched: 'I think our blood bags touched.'
Jim · Michael: Jim: 'When you were giving blood? That is so romantic.' Michael dismisses it: 'It's not a big deal, really.' Jim: 'This is like a modern-day enchanted. It's like a fairy tale.' Michael: 'Not likely. 3 billion women on the planet, most of them in Asia, so the numbers just don't add up.'
Jim: Jim: 'Here they come.' (pause) 'No, just kidding.'
Jim Reaction Beat Irony/Sarcasm Jim · Pam: Pam and Jim debate covering food: 'Just cover it with the broccoli.' Jim: 'Great, I have to cover it. Do you think they dined and dashed?' Pam: 'They didn't dine.' Jim: 'Maybe they just dashed.'
Jim Pam Wordplay/Pun Observational Callback Michael: Michael is at his singles party; it appears to be just him alone in the conference room with no guests. 'Is this the party?'
Bob Vance · Jim: Bob: 'You didn't eat much there, Jimbo.' Jim: 'Initially I did.' Bob: 'Want some meat?' Jim: 'Sure. Little piece.' Bob: 'No mushroom, though.' Jim: 'I forgot.'
Unnamed Man · Lynn: Blood drive man apologizes to Lynn at the party: 'I get very nervous talking to pretty girls. Seriously. Feel how sweaty my hand is.' She feels it: 'That's really sweaty.'
Dwight · Lynn: Dwight tries to get Lynn to commit to paper order before she leaves the party: 'Before you go, I'd just love to get a firm commitment on this. Maybe sign?' Lynn: 'We already have a paper supplier.' Dwight: 'Thanks for wasting my time tonight. Idiot.'
Dwight: After Dwight insults Lynn and she walks away: Dwight says quietly to himself or the camera: 'You don't deserve her.'
Dwight Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Michael: Michael talking head about Holly: 'Sometimes it's not about whether Cinderella gets her slipper back, but it's about the fact that the prince even picked up the slipper at all. There's a lot of princesses out there. They have all different sizes and shapes of feet. And hands.'
Michael: Michael asks a woman at a cookie table for a cookie: 'I gave blood earlier and I'm still feeling woozy.' Woman: 'Of course.' Second person: 'That's weird. You got a cotton ball and tape and we've been using band-aids.' Michael: 'I feel so woozy. I just...' Other person: 'It's band-aids.' Michael: 'Damn.'
Michael Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Top Episodes — The Office
