Golden Ticket

Michael:Knock knock.

Jim:Not now, Michael, I'm on a call.

Michael:Just real quick. Knock knock!

Jim:Who's there?

Michael:Interrupting—

Jim:Wait, hold on, I need to give them my callback number. It's 555-0147.

Michael:Interrupting 555—

Jim:No, no, just 555-0147.

Michael:Okay, interrupting Flive-ling?

Jim:What? No. Forget it.

Michael:Knock knock.

Jim:Who's there?

Michael:Buddha.

Jim:Buddha who?

Michael:Buddha let me in, it's cold out here!

Michael:Wait, why is there actually butter on my desk?

Dwight:You said you wanted it to be authentic.

Michael:I meant the joke, Dwight, not actual dairy products!

Jim:Knock knock.

Dwight:Who's there?

Jim:KGB.

Dwight:KGB who?

Dwight:We vill ask ze questions!

Michael:Dwight, you keep interrupting my jokes!

Dwight:Retribution.

Dwight:You answer. The KGB waits for no one.

Michael:I am Willy Wonka, and I have golden tickets for all of you!

Michael:Well, not all of you. Only the top performers.

Michael:These aren't just jelly beans. These are Wonka jelly beans. You close your eyes, you make a wish, and when you open them up, your wish has come true.

Michael:I got a red one. Mmm. Watermelon. Oh my God, that's amazing.

Michael:I'm not trying to sound like a broken record here, but the economy is really starting to profiligate.

Michael:No, no, no. That's too complicated. Here's what we're gonna do: we'll just lease all the trucks ourselves and then rent them out to the warehouse guys at a markup.

Employee:Michael, that's... that's actually illegal. You need proper licensing and—

Michael:Illegal? How is it illegal if we're helping people? Jim, back me up here.

Jim:I'm not backing you up on this one.

Michael:Fine. We're doing it anyway. Pam, start calling truck companies.

Pam:Michael, I really don't think—

Michael:This is what leadership looks like, people. Decisive. Bold. Simple.

Michael:You know, some of the greatest ideas in history started out as crazy thoughts. Like the space program. JFK looked at the moon and said, 'We're going there.' And we did. Now, my promotion to regional manager? Same thing. I looked at Dunder Mifflin and said, 'I'm going to the top.' And I did. We're basically the same, me and Kennedy. Except I didn't get shot. Yet.

Michael:It's not that complicated, Kevin.

Ryan:Everyone's got opinions about my dating life. Pam tells me one thing, Jim says another, Dwight's got his whole thing...

Ryan:I'm a textbook over-thinker. I know that about myself. So now I'm over-thinking whether I should listen to the over-thinking voice that tells me I'm an over-thinker.

Andy:So you use these backhanded compliments, right? You tell a woman she's pretty... for a girl who doesn't try. Or you say, 'Wow, you're in great shape for someone who eats a lot.'

Andy:It's called negging. You neg them a little bit, and they try harder to impress you.

Andy:So like, if I saw Erin, I'd say, 'Your hair looks nice today. It usually looks like you stuck your finger in an electrical socket, but today it's just regular bad.'

Pam:Do guys actually use backhanded compliments?

Jim:Yeah, all the time. Like, 'Hey Andy, you're really good at talking to people. That's probably why you're single.'

Jim:You know, Andy, being single isn't so bad. At least you don't have to pretend to like someone's music.

Andy:Oh, that's rich coming from you, Halpert. Last I checked, you were the one who spent three years pining after Pam while she was engaged.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Did you say golden ticket? That's like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! You're gonna get to meet Willy Wonka!

Michael:No, no, no, I'm serious. This is huge. You're basically Veruca Salt now. Except hopefully less spoiled. Actually, you seem pretty spoiled.

Michael:The point is, you're one of the lucky few. You're in an exclusive club. It's like you won the lottery. Except the lottery is business. And instead of money, you get... a golden ticket.

Michael:Wait, so there's nothing stopping me from doing this?

Michael:No one checks my work? No one supervises what I do?

Michael:I am... completely unsupervised.

Dwight:Michael, I need to tell you something. I may have made a mistake with the golden ticket contest.

Michael:What? What do you mean you made a mistake? Dwight, what did you do?

Dwight:I may have miscalculated the odds. There's a possibility that multiple people could win.

Michael:Multiple people?! Dwight! This is a disaster. Why would you do this to me? This is YOUR fault. I'm going to have to tell corporate about this and make sure they know it was all you.

Michael:So walk me through this. How did we ship the wrong order to the Scranton branch?

Warehouse Worker:Well, the label fell off the box, so we just grabbed the next one on the conveyor belt.

Michael:The conveyor belt? We have a conveyor belt? I thought we just... threw stuff at people until it stuck.

Michael:Okay, okay, look. Let's do the math here. There are twelve of us in this office, right? Twelve. So if we divide the responsibility by twelve, that's like... one-twelfth of the blame per person. I'm only responsible for one-twelfth of this.

Dwight:That's not how blame works, Michael.

Michael:No, no, Dwight, I've thought about this. And if you multiply my one-twelfth by the number of people who actually knew about the golden tickets, which is... nobody... then technically, I'm responsible for zero percent.

Pam:Michael's not in right now. He's in... the Situation Room.

Pam:Actually, he's at the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Pam:No wait, he's on the bridge at Appomattox.

Pam:Sorry, I meant he's in the bunker with Hitler... I mean, negotiating with Hitler.

Pam:Michael made a list of excuses for why he couldn't come to meetings. Some of them were things like 'stuck in a painting' and 'became one with the carpet.'

Jim:Became one with the carpet?

Pam:Yeah, he wrote that one down very seriously.

Stanley:Well, you know, at least we still have our jobs.

Oscar:We might not tomorrow.

Stanley:True, but think of all the memories we've made here.

Oscar:Most of them are terrible.

Stanley:At least we have each other.

Oscar:I actively avoid you.

Michael:Look, I'm not stealing ideas. I'm curating a collaborative vision. When I take someone's concept and make it better—or worse, depending on your perspective—I'm actually honoring the original by improving upon it. It's called the artistic process. Michelangelo didn't ask permission to paint the Sistine Chapel. He just did it. And nobody complained about that, did they? Well, except the Pope, but he came around.

Michael:Jim, Jim, Jim. You're worried about nothing. You know what I do when Pam is upset with me? I buy her flowers.

Jim:Michael, I just bought a house.

Michael:Exactly. Flowers AND a house. You're gonna be fine.

Michael:Jim, I need another golden ticket idea. Those were huge!

Jim:Michael, golden tickets are disasters. That's the whole point of the reference.

Michael:Okay, okay, I need ideas. Golden ticket ideas. How do I fix this?

Creed:Kill yourself.

Pam:Michael had to go to the doctor for a... a colonoscopy. Yeah. He asked me to tell everyone he had a work thing, but I guess the cat's out of the bag now.

Dwight:A colonoscopy? That's a rectal examination.

Pam:Yes, Dwight, I'm aware of what a colonoscopy is.

Jim:Did he say why he needed one?

Pam:He said his doctor recommended it because of his family history of... colorectal issues.

Kevin:Colorectal issues? That's his butt, right?

Pam:Yes, Kevin. It's his butt.

Michael:Pam had to have a procedure done. It was very delicate. The doctor had to go in and... realign her... her vertebral column. Very technical stuff. I don't really understand it, but it involved a lot of... precision work. They had to use special instruments. Tiny instruments.

Michael:Well, I didn't know it was gonna be a disaster. If I had known it was gonna be a disaster, I wouldn't have approved it. But I didn't know, so I approved it.

Michael:Look, I didn't make this decision alone. I consulted with an outside firm on this.

David Brent:What firm?

Michael:Well, they're... they're actually having some phone problems right now. Very bad phone problems. Like, catastrophic. They might not even exist anymore. But they were very real when I talked to them.

Michael:That was your idea, Dwight. You came up with it.

Dwight:No, I didn't. You said it was your idea like five times.

Michael:Well, I was just... I was being modest.

Dwight:You said, 'This is my idea, Dwight. I came up with this idea myself.'

Dwight:I have written evidence of everything that happens in this office. It's all documented.

Michael:Written evidence? Dwight, what are you talking about?

Dwight:My diary. I keep a detailed diary of every single thing that occurs here.

Michael:You keep a diary?

Dwight:It's not a diary, it's a log. A secret log.

Michael:Why do you keep a diary?

Dwight:Because one day, people are going to want to know what it was like to be me. Plus, the government is monitoring all digital communication. A handwritten diary is the only way to keep my thoughts private.

Dwight:I didn't love Willy Wonka. My childhood was grim and depressing. I was beaten regularly and sent to bed without supper.

Michael:Okay, but you did like the movie, right?

Dwight:No. I was too busy working on the beet farm and being abused by my cousin Mose.

Ryan:Oh, so you just touch them?

Jim:Uh, yeah, but not like... you know, appropriately.

Ryan:Got it.

Jim:No, no, no—

Andy:Look, love is like a perfect steak. You gotta cook it just right, season it with trust, add a little romance like you're drizzling béarnaise sauce... but the second you leave it on the heat too long, it's ruined. Burnt to a crisp. And no amount of ketchup is gonna fix that.

Andy:What are you thinking right now?

Andy:I bet you're thinking about how we're basically the same person.

Ryan:I'm thinking about how much I hate you.

Dwight:I have faced worse. Once, I was cleaning my sword collection and I fell directly onto a letter opener. The blade went straight through my shoulder.

Michael:A letter opener?

Dwight:It was a big one.

Dwight:If the beet farm doesn't work out, I have a backup plan. I'm going to open a high-end shoe store that only sells shoes made from sustainable materials, organized by the Dewey Decimal System, with a sommelier on staff to pair wines with your footwear choices.

Michael:I just want to say, in front of everyone, that Dwight is like a son to me. And I love him. And I'm taking him to lunch today because he means that much to me.

Jim:Michael could prove it right now. Just take responsibility for something.

David Brent:You know what? This is brilliant. Absolute genius. I knew it would work the whole time. That's what leadership is—having the vision to see past the initial setbacks and recognize gold when you see it. This was my idea, by the way.

Michael:That's what she said.

Dwight:The golden ticket concept came to me in a dream. I was standing in a field of beets, and Mose was there, but he was also somehow the beet, and I realized that the answer was inside me all along.

Dwight:It's about tapping into the creative consciousness. You know, when you're in the zone, you're not really thinking anymore. You're just... being.

Dwight:The golden ticket represents the human spirit's desire to seek what cannot be found, yet is always there, waiting in the spaces between thoughts.

Dwight:I can't really explain it further. Some ideas are too pure for words. They exist on a plane beyond language.

Michael:This was all Dwight's idea. I want to be very clear about that.

Michael:In fact, I was against it from the beginning. I said, 'Dwight, this is crazy.'

Michael:But he insisted, and you know what? He was right. He's a genius.

Dwight:I'm concerned about security. Has anyone considered that the marketing department might be using a dog as a surveillance device?

Dwight:Think about it. Dogs have excellent hearing, superior sense of smell, and they can move around the office without suspicion. It's the perfect cover.

Dwight:I've already begun counter-surveillance measures. I've installed mirrors in the break room and I'm wearing a tinfoil collar when I enter the building.

Dwight:I got my inspiration from the movie where the guy fights the aliens.

Marketing person:You mean Independence Day?

Dwight:Yes, that one.

Marketing person:Dwight, that movie came out in 1996.

Michael:Okay, okay, I've got some ideas. A toilet that plays music.

Michael:A toilet that has a built-in bidet.

Michael:A toilet that flushes itself automatically.

Michael:A toilet that makes you breakfast while you're sitting on it.

Michael:A toilet that gives you a full body massage and tells you jokes.

Michael:And then I invented the horse-canoe. It's a horse in the front, canoe in the back. You ride it like a horse, but when you get to a river, you just detach the front and paddle away.

Dwight:That makes no sense, Michael.

Michael:Dwight, Dwight. That's the genius of it.

Michael:Look, everyone poops. Everyone pees. It's a huge market.

Dwight:I must confess. There was no golden ticket. I created it myself to boost morale and establish my dominance as Assistant Regional Manager. Michael threatened me with death if I didn't comply with his asinine schemes.

Michael:I want you to fix it. But I also want you to not tell anyone it was broken. And I want you to do it in a way that makes me look good.

Ryan:You know, I think you're really special. There's something about you that just makes me want to be a better man.

Ryan:Also, those are some great legs.

Dwight:Knock knock.

Jim:Who's there?

Dwight:KGB.

Jim:KGB who?

Dwight:We will ask the questions!

Dwight:The KGB will wait for no man. We have scheduled you for interrogation at 2 PM.

Jim:Actually, 2 PM doesn't work for me. Would 3 PM be better?

Dwight:The KGB does not negotiate with—fine. 3 PM is acceptable.

Jim:Great. Should I bring anything? Coffee? Snacks?

Dwight:You will bring nothing but your fear and trembling. Though if you have those little cookies from the break room, we will accept them.