The Bubble

April:Those balloons are filled with helium, right? Not like, poisonous gas or anything?

Leslie:What? No, of course not.

April:Because I was just thinking, what a way to go. Poisoned by party balloons on your first day of work.

April:I will poison the gas so that it slowly kills you over the course of a year.

Ann:That's not scientifically possible. Poison dissolves in gas and becomes inert.

April:Nope.

Leslie:We're going to have so much fun today! First, we'll tour the Parks Department, then grab lunch at JJ's, and then we're going to An-dance!

Stuart:What is all this?

Leslie:Do you like it? I thought we could brighten up the office!

Stuart:I hate it. Take it down.

Leslie:We have that budget meeting at 3, and then I need to finalize the summer festival timeline.

Ben:I can help with that. What else is on the agenda?

Leslie:Well, there's also the zoning committee presentation, the parks department review, and... maybe we could get dinner sometime?

Ben:Dinner? Is that on the official agenda?

Leslie:It could be. I'll add it to the spreadsheet.

Ben:There are different phases in a relationship. First, there's the attraction phase. Then there's the comfort phase. And then there's the phase where your girlfriend starts watching the History Channel without you and becomes obsessed with it, and suddenly your idea of a perfect Saturday night is her explaining to you why the Nazis were actually pretty into numerology.

Leslie:Oh, Marlene? No, we're not related. She's just a family friend.

Leslie:Well, actually, she's my mother's cousin. On my dad's side.

Leslie:Wait, no—she's my mom's best friend from college. They roomed together.

Leslie:Okay, fine, she IS related. She married into the family. My uncle's wife's sister.

Leslie:She's basically a stranger. I've only met her twice.

Leslie:She practically raised me. I call her Mom sometimes.

Leslie:We need to keep my mom away from Ben. I'm thinking we pack her up and ship her to another continent. Maybe Antarctica. Or Australia. Somewhere very far away where she can't accidentally tell him about the time I wet myself at cheerleading camp.

Ann:Stuart, you really need to leave now.

Stuart:No.

Ann:Please, Stuart. You have to go.

Chris:Jerry, you're a beautiful superhero.

Jerry:Really?

Chris:No, not really. You're a disaster.

Ron Swanson:I have no strong feelings one way or the other about new city managers. They come, they go. Some are competent, most are not. It makes no difference to me. I simply do my job, follow the rules as written, and let the chips fall where they may.

Ron Swanson:Though I will admit, there is a certain... satisfaction in watching a new manager fumble through their first week. Watching them discover that the budget has already been spent, that half the staff is incompetent, and that nothing works the way they think it should. It's like watching a newborn deer try to walk.

Chris:April, I'm promoting you to multitasking executive aide.

April:I'm going to wake up now.

Chris:Tom, I have to say, I'm really impressed by your entrepreneurial spirit.

Tom:Thank you, Chris. I've been working on upgrading my home theater system. I'm calling it 'Tom's Premium Movie Experience.'

Chris:That sounds amazing!

Tom:Yeah, I installed a new projector, got some better speakers, upgraded the popcorn machine... I'm thinking about franchising it.

Chris:Franchising? Tom, that's incredible.

Tom:I'm already taking reservations. My mom said she'd come to a screening.

Tom:The fourth floor is a nightmare. They got drug vending machines up there.

Andy:I'm going to give this my maximum effort.

Andy:Wait, what were you saying? I wasn't listening. Got anything fun we can do instead?

Ben:Oh no, I spilled coffee all over my shirt.

Marlene:Well, look on the bright side - at least it's not on the dark side.

Ben:I was just, you know, carrying the coffee and my hand was a little unsteady because I'd had a lot of coffee already, which I realize is ironic, and the cup just sort of tipped and—

Marlene:That's a fun anecdote.

Ben:School buses are completely impractical for this route. The infrastructure doesn't support it.

Ben:Actually, you know what? School buses could work great here. I think we should seriously consider it.

Marlene:So thirty seconds ago they were completely impractical, and now they're great?

Chris:Ron, this is a circular desk. It symbolizes equality and collaboration. In Swedish philosophy, the circle represents the cyclical nature of organizational harmony and—

Ron:Stop.

Chris:—the rejection of hierarchical—

Ron:I said stop.

Chris:You see this swivel action? State-of-the-art ergonomic design. Watch how smoothly it rotates.

Jerry:That's... that's nice, Chris.

Chris:Nice? NICE? Jerry, this is peak efficiency. I can swivel to my filing cabinet, swivel to my computer, swivel to address any personnel matter with the utmost professionalism.

Jerry:You're swiveling right now?

Chris:I'm ALWAYS swiveling, Jerry. It's called being proactive.

Chris:I'd love to see more demonstrations.

April:Of course you would. You're an idiot.

Chris:Great!

Ron:I don't want to be accessible. I want to be less accessible. The whole point is to keep people away from me.

Tom:They confiscated my knife because I might stab someone, but I only came here to stab someone because I have a knife. It's circular logic.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Check this out. I got my own office phone. With my own extension!

Andy:This means I'm basically a Wall Street guy now. I'm gonna start making power moves.

Andy:I'm thinking I transfer some funds, maybe buy some stocks. Whatever it is you do on Wall Street.

Andy:I'm gonna call some guy and yell 'Buy! Sell!' and then hang up the phone real dramatic-like.

Andy:Why does this phone smell so bad?

Ethel:Oh, that's because it's an active crime scene.

Tom:Ethel, you're old enough to have witnessed Lincoln's assassination.

Leslie:I made you a romantic mix. I thought five Sarah McLachlan songs is showing restraint.

Ben:I don't know what happened. I walked in there, I was prepared, I had my talking points, and then I just... started taking my shoes off.

Ben:I don't know why. I wasn't hot. My feet didn't hurt. I just kept taking them off and putting them back on.

Ben:By the end of the meeting, I was barefoot, and they were all just staring at me like I was insane.

Marlene:You know, Leslie, your boyfriend Ben is a lot like a jellyfish.

Leslie:A jellyfish? How so?

Marlene:Well, he's got no spine, he's mostly water, and he's absolutely useless.

Leslie:I'm not a pushover. I'm firm. I'm decisive.

Ben:You once called a city council member a 'cute little fascist.'

Leslie:The 'cute' softened it.

Ben:I could go talk to Marlene again if you want. I'm not afraid of her.

Ben:Although, I guess I could fake my own death. Move to Costa Rica, change my name to Diego, open a small bed and breakfast...

Ben:I'd have a parrot named Captain Squawk. Guests would love him. They'd write about it on TripAdvisor.

Ben:Five stars: 'The parrot really made our stay.' But then one day the parrot dies, and I just... I can't go on.

Citizen:This sprinkler water is making me sick! I'm gonna sue the city!

Jerry:Uh-huh, yeah, that's... that's a real shame.

Citizen:Are you even listening to me?

Jerry:What? Oh, yes, absolutely. It's just that my desk is round and I can't find a corner to put my computer.

Leslie:You need to be more assertive. Stop being so polite all the time.

Ben:You're right, I'll work on that. Hey Leslie, how are you doing today?

Leslie:See? That right there — 'how are you doing?' — that's weakness. Stop it.

Leslie:My mother used to say, 'Um? That's not even a word, it's a sound a sick cow makes.'

Leslie:Okay, so my mom is going to ask you a lot of questions. I've prepared a list of 100 pre-approved topics we can discuss, ranked by how much she'll enjoy them.

Ben:A list of 100 topics?

Leslie:Yes. And I've color-coded them by difficulty level. Green is easy, yellow is moderate, and red means you might accidentally say something that makes her cry.

Ben:Leslie, that's insane.

Leslie:It's not insane, it's organized. Oh, and topics 47 through 63 should only be discussed if she brings up her book club first. And never, under any circumstances, mention the Pawnee Parks Department budget in front of her. Unless it's a Tuesday. Then it's fine.

April:Mort's office is down the hall. But be warned - he's not just any bureaucrat.

Mort Schaeffer:If you can answer three questions about municipal code, you may pass. If not, you must fill out Form 27-B in triplicate.

Tom:I'm gonna use my charm to get ladies to do my work for me. My charm is like a ray gun—pew pew pew! They just fall right into line.

Leslie · Ben:Hello. Wrong. What? No preambles. No introductions. Just walk in and start talking. I'd like to discuss the new school bus. I'd like to discuss your rhyming, Dr. Seuss.

Tom:So Ethel, I heard it's your birthday coming up. Thirty, right?

Ethel:Tom, I'm 87.

Tom:Well, you don't look a day over 30. Thirty years ago.

Ron:If I have to sit at this desk one more day, I'm going to kill myself.

Andy:Oh, cool. Can I have your job?

Ron:I have a circular keyboard. It's a nightmare. I can't find the letters. My fingers just sort of... float around like a spaceship lost in the cosmos, looking for a place to land.

Ron:Chris will give up. They all do.

Donna:Not Chris. That man is like the Six Million Dollar Man. You can't break him. He's bionic.

Leslie:Look at Ben go! He's really connecting with Marlene. That's what I call aggressive networking!

Jerry:Hey, hey, it's okay. Whatever it is, it's going to be fine. You're going to be okay.

Ron:Garry, what are you doing?

Jerry:She's upset, Ron. Sometimes people just need to know that someone cares.

Chris:Tom, you know what I always say? 'You have to treat every day like it's your first day at work.' It really changed my life.

Tom:That's a great quote. Who said that?

Chris:I did. I made it up when I was fifteen and I've just been saying it ever since.

Ben:Look, Marlene, we need to settle this budget dispute once and for all.

Marlene:I'm not budging an inch, Wyatt. This is non-negotiable.

Ben:You know what? Fine. But I have to ask - did you ever read Calvin and Hobbes as a kid?

Marlene:Of course I did. Why?

Ben:Because Calvin once said, 'I say if a man really likes women, he's gonna come back for seconds.' And honestly, that's how I feel about this negotiation.

Marlene:That's... actually beautiful. You know, Calvin also said 'It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw.' And that's what I want to do to you right now.

Ben:But you're smiling.

Marlene:Yeah, well. Calvin and Hobbes gets everyone.

Marlene:Oh, you two are adorable! Come here, you little things.

Leslie:Um, thank you?

Marlene:But sweetie, that blazer is doing you no favors. And those pants? They're very... dad-coded.

Ben:I actually like my pants.

Marlene:Of course you do, honey. Now come sit by my feet.

Tom:Come on, Ethel's so old, she knew Burger King when he was just a prince!

Elderly Worker 1:*laughs*

Ethel:That's not even funny. Stop laughing.

Tom:Ethel, you're so old, you have to carbon date your driver's license!

Elderly Worker 2:*laughs harder*

Ethel:I said stop it! This is ridiculous!

Leslie:Ben, you have to give my mom a gift. It's the nice thing to do.

Ben:Leslie, I appreciate that, but your mom makes me very uncomfortable.

Leslie:What? My mom loves you!

Ben:Well, she has a very... hands-on approach to showing it.

Jerry:Good morning everyone. Today I'd like to discuss the municipal—the munisiple—the... *shuffles papers nervously* ...the city budget proposal.

Jerry:As you can see from these charts, we've allocated funds for—for... *clears throat* ...sorry, I prepared this. I know what I'm saying.

Ron:Chris, your management style is completely inefficient and wasteful.

Chris:Ron, I'm doing my best to follow the protocols and—

Ron:However, I have to admit, the way you demolish things has a certain... elegant destructiveness to it. It's almost beautiful.

Ron:Jerry's problem is that he's like a dog that's been kicked so many times, he doesn't know how to react when you try to pet him. Except instead of a dog, it's Jerry. And instead of petting him, it's giving him a compliment. And instead of kicking him, it's years of ridicule and neglect. So basically, Jerry's a mess.

Ron:I have only one rule: never half-ass two things, whole-ass one thing.

Ron:Compromise? That's for people who lack conviction.

Ron:Well, I suppose we could... meet in the middle on this one.

Leslie:Wait, are you saying that you were asking for my mom to come on to you?

Ben:What? No! I was not asking for that!

Leslie:Because that would be really weird, Ben.

Ben:I know it would be weird! Why would I ask for that? Your mom is... your mom!

Ben:So we've come down from 47 buses to 12. That's... that's real progress, Marlene.

Marlene:Fine. But I want them all to be yellow.

Ben:They're already yellow. That's what school buses are.

Marlene:A brighter yellow.

Ben:Okay. We can do a brighter yellow.

Andy:I'm grateful for everything in my life. I wake up every morning and I thank God for another day. I'm thankful for my friends, my job, my health... You know what? I'm also thankful for waffles. I mean, really thankful. Like, deeply, spiritually thankful. If I ever have to choose between my job and waffles, I'm not gonna lie, it's gonna be a close call.

April:No. I'm going to open an exclusive nightclub in the woods where celebrities can only get in if they agree to fight me.

Chris:I've optimized my workflow with this circular desk system. Every document within arm's reach at all times.

Ben:Chris, you're just sitting in a chair spinning in circles.

Chris:Exactly. Circular efficiency. It's the future of public administration.

Shoe shine customer:This isn't working. You're doing it all wrong.

Andy Dwyer:What? I'm shining your shoes.

Shoe shine customer:Here, let me show you how it's done. You see, you gotta take long, confident strokes. And in business, that's the same approach you need to take. Long, confident strokes.

Customer:You know what your problem is? You're too hard on yourself. You've got real talent, but you don't believe in yourself.

Andy:Wow, that's... that's really nice of you to say. You know what? You're right. I AM talented. I just need to stop doubting myself and start believing in my abilities.

Customer:Exactly! Now get back in there and show that thing who's boss.

Andy:You know what? I'm gonna nail this. Thanks for the pep talk, buddy.

Tom:Looks like someone got up on the wrong side of the crib.

Ethel · Muriel · Tom:(BOTH LAUGHING LOUDLY) Stop it! I gotta say, I'm a genius.

Leslie:The only thing my mom loves more than music boxes is McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy. So, I made her a McSteamy-style music box.

Ben:Your mom kind of, um, made a pass at me.

Jerry:JERRY: So, Webster's dictionary describes a pork as a... No, it's park... Park. I'm sorry. Geez, okay. So... You know what, can we start over? Let's... Let's go from the first thing. I said, pork, which... By the way, they have a great pork sandwich in the cafeteria today.

Ron · Chris:You have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department. Now, wait a minute. I mean that as a compliment.

Ron:Tom only performs when there's someone to impress, so marooning him on Freak Island isn't helping anyone. And you made April assistant to everyone? You know who April hates? Everyone.

Ron:And Jerry can only function if no one's looking. You shine a light on him, and he shrinks up faster than an Eskimo's scrotum.

Ron:(GROANS) Okay. You won't ever hear me say this again, so savor this moment. I may have a compromise.

Ben · Leslie:Look, she was just flirting a little. I'm sure she's not really interested in me. Oh, my God. I can't even have this conversation. The whole thing is screwed up now. There's so many ways to destroy a bubble, but my mom flirting with you is number one on the list.

Leslie · Ben:And I'm sorry, I have to say this, were you asking for it in any way? No! How were you dressed? Oh, my God. I was wearing this.

Leslie:Here's what we do. You issue a government-wide memo about sexual harassment, and then you go to Mexico. Just for a couple of weeks.

Ben · Marlene:Hi, Mom. Hi again. Leslie and I are dating. We haven't told anyone because there's a rule against office relationships. But it's happening. I'm sorry we didn't tell you before you touched my knee, and I trust you won't tell anyone now since it could get your daughter fired.

Marlene · Leslie:That is hilarious. That's what we thought, too.

Marlene · Ben:Four buses. Two. Deal.

Marlene · Leslie · Ann:I like this one. Me, too. You keep your hands off him.

Ann:Margaret's pecan squares. They are like crack. I brought you one.

Andy:A year ago, I lived in a pit. Now I got a job, and a kickass wife. And my band is so good, and are you gonna eat that pecan square?

Andy:When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I read that once on a can of lemonade. But I like to think that it applies to life.

Tom:I don't want lemonade. It's too sweet and it makes my tongue feel gritty. So maybe it's time for a change. Starting now, when life gives me lemons, I'm gonna slice them up into wedges and throw them into vodka tonics, which I will then sip in a burlesque nightclub that I co-own with actor Taye Diggs and two of the Pussycat Dolls.

Andy:Oh, man, you're really screwing this up. I'm gone for one day and this entire shoe shine stand falls apart. Everything I built. Jump up here. I'll show you how it's done.

Andy:Oh, man, you're really screwing this up. I'm gone for one day and this entire shoe shine stand falls apart. Everything I built.

Andy:See, your problem is you're thinking too much.

Andy · New Shoe Shiner:When I come back here in a few weeks, I don't want all my regular customers to not be here waiting for me because somebody screwed it up. Huh? Thanks. No problem. See you later, kid. Wow. What a moron.