Indianapolis

Leslie:We could do it alphabetically by first name, or by last name, or by department, or by tenure, or we could do a rotating system where each person speaks for exactly four minutes and thirty seconds...

Ron:No.

Ron:I don't care about awards. My only motivation is steak. Everything else is just noise.

Ron:I have a document here that details every steak I've eaten in the last 20 years. Cut, weight, temperature, sauce selection, establishment, date, time of day, and my emotional state before consumption.

Ron:I'm currently on my 847th steak. I have a five-year projection that accounts for seasonal availability and my declining digestive capabilities.

Ron:I've been cataloguing these steak photos by marbling quality, cooking temperature, and the bitch who took half my stuff in the divorce.

Ron:Tammy Two.

Tom:What? This old thing? I just threw it on.

Leslie:Dennis Feinstein has accomplished so much. He's built an empire, created thousands of jobs, and revolutionized the candy industry.

Leslie:Plus, he's only been indicted three times.

Ben:You know what I hate about Facebook? It's all these pointless status updates from people you haven't talked to in ten years. Like, 'Just made a sandwich.' Great. Thanks for sharing that with 847 of your closest friends.

Leslie:Tom, I need you to help Ben be more social. He's too stiff, too formal.

Tom:Leslie, I'd love to help, but I'm only 5'4". How am I supposed to reach him?

Andy:Yeah, our new album is called 'Love's Tender Embrace: A Journey Through the Moonlit Gardens of My Heart Where Every Flower Represents a Different Aspect of Your Beauty and Also There's a Song About Your Eyes, Specifically the Left One'

Andy:It's a double album.

Andy:Wait, so when you're dating someone, you have to, like, pay for things? For both of you?

Andy:I thought that was just a thing rich people did.

Andy:I want to get April a gift that says 'I love you' but also 'I respect your personal space.' So I'm thinking a high-end vibrator.

April:I'm in a relationship. It's fine. He's fine. Everything's fine. I don't really like talking about my feelings because then I have to have feelings about my feelings, and I don't have time for that.

Leslie:I've always had a knack for detective work. In high school, they called me 'Sherlock'.

Ben:Because of your deductive skills?

Leslie:No, because I had really big teeth and a long face.

Ben:I'm not going to some pathetically sad motel. I'm going to the Motel 6. They leave the light on for you.

Tom:A motel owner inviting us to his room? That's not a Red Flag, that's a Red Flag factory. That's where Red Flags are manufactured.

Leslie:So we're driving past this place called 'The Wax Museum of Broken Dreams,' and I'm like, 'Finally, a venue that understands my aesthetic.' Turns out it's just where they throw away the failed wax figures. Which, honestly, is even better. Do you know how they dispose of them? They have this whole system. They melt them down, but apparently some of the wax is mixed with human hair and teeth from the 1970s, so they can't just dump it anywhere. There's actually a specific landfill in Nevada that's designated exclusively for failed celebrity wax figure disposal. It's called the 'Hall of Shame Valley.' I want to be buried there.

Leslie · Ann:Leslie's immediate 'What? That lying bastard.' before Ann has provided any evidence of cheating

Leslie:Ron, you need a doorbell. What if someone important needs to reach you?

Ron:If they're important, they'll know not to visit. I have a moat.

Leslie:You don't have a moat.

Ron:Not yet.

Leslie:Chris, why do you have seventeen identical cardigans in your closet?

Chris:Well, Leslie, I've found that a quality cardigan is a wardrobe staple. Each one is precisely the same thread count and—

Leslie:They still have the tags on them.

Chris:I'm very careful with my clothing investments.

Ben:Yeah, I know Tom Haverford. Tell him Ben Wyatt sent you and you'll get a discount.

Bartender:Tom Haverford? Never heard of him.

Ben:What? No, Tom... Haverford. He's very well-known.

Bartender:That's the fakest name I've ever heard.

Ron:My whole life has been a lie. Everything I believed in, everything I stood for... gone. Closed. Just like that.

Ron:I don't know who I am anymore. That steakhouse was the only place that understood me. The only place that got it.

Ron:They took away my sanctuary. My temple. My reason for living between the hours of six and nine PM.

Ron:Genuine concern for the welfare of inanimate steaks

Tom:You know what's crazy? All these fancy French perfume names. 'Eau de Toilette.' 'Chanel No. 5.' Meanwhile, the most exotic thing I could name a perfume is 'Essence of Eagleton.'

Ben:That's not exotic, that's just the next town over.

Tom:Exactly! To someone in France, it IS exotic. 'Ooh, what is this mysterious scent?' 'Oh, it's just called Eagleton, darling.'

Tom:I'm calling it 'Cologne Number Five.' It's got notes of ambition, a hint of desperation, and that fresh scent of a guy who's about to pitch you something whether you want to hear it or not.

Jerry:Tom, that's not how you sell cologne.

Tom:Oh really, Jerry? Because I just sprayed some on you and you're still talking to me, which means it's working.

Andy:How do you always get free drinks?

April:I have a system. I go to a bar, I find the saddest guy there, and I tell him he looks like my dead dad. Then I cry a little, and he buys me drinks all night.

Creepy Guy:Hi there, I'm Dirk Thunderbottom.

April:That's the worst name I've ever heard. Go away.

Andy:So I told the waiter I had a very rare condition where I could only eat appetizers. He felt so bad for me, he kept bringing them out for free all night.

Chris:Ron, try some of this salad. It's got kale, quinoa, and a light vinaigrette.

Ron:Chris, I respect you, but I'm going to have to stop you right there. A salad is what food eats. I don't eat salad. I eat red meat and precious metals.

Tom:I'm like Yoda, man. I'm wise beyond my years.

Ben:Yoda is 900 years old. You're 37.

Tom:Well, you know what I mean.

Dennis Feinstein:What do you mean 'undercover'? I thought that's when cops dress up like regular people to catch criminals.

Leslie Knope:That's... yes, that's what undercover means.

Dennis Feinstein:Then how am I supposed to do it with my cologne? Do I dress the cologne up like a regular person?

Dennis Feinstein:I don't work with amateurs. It's beneath me. I only collaborate with professionals who understand the candy business at my level.

Dennis Feinstein:Wait, what was that idea you just said? That's genius. I'm stealing that.

Ben:Ben tells the bartender he knows Tom — 'Tom Hammen... Hammenstein... Haverford' — trying to get a free drink

Ron:I was promised a steak dinner. A real steak. Thick cut. Aged properly.

Chris:Actually, I made a quinoa and kale salad with a tahini drizzle. It's locally sourced and has only 120 calories per serving.

Ron:Chris, I don't know what most of those words mean, and I'm concerned about the ones I do.

Chris:It's really good for you! Studies show—

Ron:I need to sit down. And drink a scotch. And reconsider our friendship.

April:Hi, I'm Brandi Maxxxx, and I work here at the club.

Andy:You know what? We're just like Robin Hood. We steal from the rich and give to the poor.

Ben:That's not what we're doing.

Andy:No, seriously. We're Robin Hood. I'm Robin Hood.

Ben:Robin Hood stole from corrupt tax collectors to return money to the people. You're taking free samples from Costco.

Andy:Okay, but the principle is the same. I'm a hero.

Ann:Chris, why do you have concealer in your medicine cabinet?

Chris:I have pores, Ann. Large, cavernous pores. I'm not proud of it.

Ann:Chris and I have a really healthy relationship. We communicate, we respect each other, we're building something real.

Chris:Ann, I'm moving to Washington, D.C. for a job at the National Park Service. I've already accepted.

Ann:What? When were you going to tell me this?

Chris:I was going to tell you tonight. But also, I'm going to be seeing someone else there. We're not exclusive anymore.

Leslie:So Ann thinks Chris broke up with her, but Chris thinks they're still together because he was being positive about their relationship issues.

Leslie:It's the perfect storm of Ann's relationship inexperience and Chris's relentless optimism.

Leslie:Ann is so oblivious to the world around her. Like, she didn't even notice that the entire office was decorated for her birthday party.

Leslie:Which makes me question her medical competence. Like, how many times has she looked at someone and been like, 'Yeah, you're fine,' when they actually had like, a huge growth on their face?

Tom:Yeah, well, my cologne smells like failure and broken dreams, which is basically my signature scent at this point. I've been wearing it since my first failed business venture, and I'm not about to change now. It's who I am.

Tom:I had big dreams, you know? I was going to be something special. I was going to soar like an eagle.

April:Eagles are just birds, Tom. They're not even that smart. I saw one fly into a window once.

Ann:My mom called me to tell me that my boyfriend broke up with me. She found out from Facebook before I did.

Ann:He broke up with me at a picnic. At a picnic!

Leslie:Oh my God, that's horrible. Who breaks up with someone at a picnic?

Ann:A monster. But that's not even the worst part. He showed up with another woman.

Leslie:What? Who was she?

Ann:I have no idea. He never introduced us. He just sat there eating potato salad with her while I stood there like an idiot.

Ron:Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

Server:Do you want it on the side?

Ron:Bring me all the bacon and eggs you have. Wait, wait. I'm worried what you just heard was, bring me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I'm saying is, I want all the bacon and eggs you have. Do you understand?

April:Wait, Tom. I have a question: do you want to smell like dreams? Because that's what you're about to do to Dennis.

Tom · Ben:Tom approaches Dennis Feinstein: 'I'm the Yoda of networking' / Ben: 'Well, Yoda wouldn't actually need networking. His powers were more spiritual.'

Dennis Feinstein:Dennis Feinstein: someone just pitched him a cologne called 'Sluts' — 'I'm gonna tell you what I told him... although it's a great name and I'm probably gonna steal it.'

Dennis Feinstein:Feinstein's assessment of Tommy Fresh: 'It smells like somebody spilled Chinese food in a bird cage.'

Tom:Tom's confused response: 'As in, it's hilarious how awesome it is?'

Ron · Chris · Leslie:Ron sees portobello mushrooms on the grill: 'Where's the steak?' / Chris: 'There's no steak. That's a healthier option.' — Ron faints

April:April pretends to work as a waitress by claiming her dad owns the club ('I'm Janet Snakehole') to get free drinks for the table

Ben:Mint/gum exchange — bartender is 'out of everything, sir'

April:April: 'We are like Robin Hood. We steal from the club and we give to ourselves.'

Chris:Chris explains the pink razor: 'I shave my legs for swimming, and women's razors work better. Men's razor technology hasn't figured out how to properly contour the shinbone.'

Chris:Chris on the concealer in his medicine cabinet: 'I'm a human being. Sometimes I get blemishes. I'm not perfect.'

Chris · Ann:The reveal: Chris broke up with Ann last week, but Ann didn't realize it

Leslie:Leslie's talking head: Ann has never been dumped before, and Chris was so positive the breakup didn't register — 'it does kind of make you wonder how good of a nurse she is'

Ann · Chris:Ann realizes she kissed Chris after the breakup, met his parents, etc. — and Chris confirms all of this with increasing awkwardness

Tom · Ben:Ben, dejected about Tommy Fresh, gets comforted by Tom who says: 'I can smell your dreams, Tom. And honestly, they smell ing terrible.'

April · Ben:April wins the free stuff competition with $180 in tips

April · Ben:'We should give it back.' — followed by: they keep the toilet paper

Ann · Leslie:Ann's bad breakup history montage: a guy's mom called to break up for him; broke her kneecap on a date and was abandoned; a guy got on one knee to beg her to never call again; a guy broke up in the shower; skywriting; the picnic where 'don't eat anything, Rebecca's coming'

Ron:'This isn't a steak. Why would you call it that on your menu?' — Ron at a diner

Ron:'Just give me all the bacon and eggs you have.' / 'Wait, wait — I worry what you just heard was Give me a lot of bacon and eggs. What I said was give me all the bacon and eggs you have.'

Tom Haverford:Tom invents the 'tommytini': 'It's just vodka and a bunch of cinnamon.'

Tom:Tom's cocktail is called a 'tommytini' — just vodka and a bunch of cinnamon

Ben · Tom:Ben orders a Miller Lite — Tom: 'Everybody knows. That's your drink.'

Tom · Ann · Ben:Everyone at the Snakehole knew Ann kissed Chris post-breakup — 'We were all seriously confused about that. Who's we? What are you...? Oh, God.'

April Ludgate:April admits she kept the toilet paper from the club: 'Yes. I feel bad, but I need it.'

Tom · Ben · April:Tom sprays Dennis Feinstein with Tommy Fresh through his car window as revenge