Freddy Spaghetti

The government is shut down. It's in every newspaper. / How long is it going to last? Well, if we're lucky, this building will be empty for months.

I just got this super sweet-ass rad crotch rocket... Got a really good deal on my lease. Paying 12% interest. It's, like, one of the highest you can get.

Uh-oh! / Nailed it.

Not like it's a competition or anything. Because if it was, I would win. But that's neither here nor there. The point is I would win.

With the government shut down, who is going to stop Al-Qaeda?

Keep them in my house? Where I live?

I don't like having Freddy Spaghetti's blood on my hands. / I believe you mean Freddy Spaghetti's sauce.

Burned my tongue. Don't even care.

I'd like some water. I'd like it to be cold. I'd like it without ice. I'd like it in a glass or a mug with no handle.

I'm very glad that you agree with me, but I actually worked really hard on my argument. Is there any way I can still kind of... / Yeah? / I'd love to hear it.

Can you put a price tag on a child's smile?

The government has been shut for two days, and one city employee has tried to schedule 14 meetings with me. Can you guess who?

I have run 10 miles a day every day for 18 years. That's 65,000 miles. A third of the way to the moon. My goal is to run to the moon.

Pawnee is better than Idaho. / No, Pawnee is not special. / Your department, all the way down here, is not a priority.

You're non-essential. / That is not your call. / I know, it's on your badge.

This? This isn't me.

I have a resting heart rate of 28 beats per minute. The scientist who studied me said that my heart could pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

I'd love to go out on a date with you. I think you might find me attractive because you got drunk and kissed me when we first met. And no pressure, but I do have tonight open.

Traditionally, when I end a long-term relationship, I'm a little fragile, and I have a tendency to do some reckless things. So I need to stay away from Chris.

You know, they offered me a buyout, and I took it. And so now, I work for Norton Construction.

Mark Brendana-quitz.

And I was indoors.

Why else would Boyz II Men's On Bended Knee be playing right now?

Okay. I just want to give you a little advice, which is don't make it last really long. Ladies don't like that.

Leslie's usually already up and often she's already on her way over.

The only guy that I care about right now is six feet tall with wild, crazy hair and a ukulele that doubles as a water gun.

Pawnee's kids are less important than poop tubes.

Ann, you devious bastard.

A, yes. B, even if they don't, we'll just put the concert on ourselves. But C, yes. Yes, they're definitely going to show up. Although, D, maybe not.

God bless you, Jerry Gergich!

I still might not.

My doctor just said I should avoid... / Being a wuss? Yes, I agree.

I am an official member of a task force dedicated to slashing the city budget. Just saying that gave me a semi.

Right off the bat, we sell City Hall. Let somebody turn it into a large gas station or a T.J. Maxx.

Hammering away.

He better be showered. I just detailed my car, and he is notoriously funky.

What were we doing in between? Sex stuff.

You guys know Tom really well, so I don't have to apologize for his behavior, right?

Oh, I forgot. I didn't get a chance to get porta-potties, so the audience are gonna have to use Ann's house for the bathrooms.

Yeah, it's just like driving half a car.

I was too busy not wanting to talk to you.

How much do you like him? Because I could definitely talk to Lucy about a three-way situation.

Massage train. And I know what you're thinking. It's not that I want a massage. I'll be the caboose. And Ron Swanson is the locomotive.

Sell the zoo animals. / To whom? / Cosmetics labs? Weird restaurants? I'm just spit-balling here.

Reverse psychiatry.

It's because whenever I see you talk to Ann or talk about Ann, I feel like you still have feelings for her.

Because of my libertarian beliefs, Leslie does 95% of the work. So you should lay me off. I'd be proud to be a casualty in this righteous war.

No other department has one to begin with.

What? Who? The Russians?

When he would do it by himself, nothing got done, and when I did it by myself, I'd get death threats.

Actually, Leslie, I just found out. Freddy Spaghetti ain't coming. / Freddy Spaghetti may not sing. But something much cooler is going to happen. I think. Ann?

At a library. / That's literally the worst place I can imagine.

Well, just take the word 'sex' and change it to 'pickle.' / You got pickle hair, baby And you got it from me / Yeah. Still sounds like it's about sex.

There's an old saying in show business. 'The show must go wrong.' Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.

Freddy Spaghetti couldn't make it today. He bumped his noodle. There was sauce everywhere. It was just streaming out of his face.

My father told me that a limp handshake was for weak men and Communists. He hated both.

They call it a Swanson.

My life is a motorcycle crash right now.

A-Cakes.

Mean Ben? / No, no, no. Mean Ben?

The biggest service was getting you to stop singing.

But, like, two minutes ago, me and Ann did kiss.

Dude, don't even think about kissing me.

And what was your favorite song, Chelsea? / Penne and the Jets. / Me, too!

I liked this a lot better when it was a pit.

Red tape. So you'll never forget your roots.

Whenever Ron has sex, the next morning, he comes in dressed like Tiger Woods.

That is my ex-wife.