The One Where Rachel Finds Out

Ross:And here's Ben falling asleep during the movie... and here he is completely passed out... and here's another one of him sleeping...

Chandler:Ross, these are great, but you know what would really blow our minds? Pictures of him pooping.

Ross:What?

Chandler:Well, you seem to think sleeping is fascinating. I'm just saying, the bowel movements have got to be comedy gold.

Chandler:Oh wow, let me see the baby pictures!

Chandler:You know what? They're all little fat guys. I mean, they're cute, but they're basically tiny, bald, drunk people.

Chandler:What's in the bag?

Ross:Oh, these are pictures from my trip to the Galápagos. I took 847 photos of the same rock.

Monica:Oh, look at those baby photos! He has Ross's hair.

Chandler:I do! I really do!

Chandler:I'm not great at the advice thing, but I'm gonna try anyway. You know what you need to do? You need to get back out there, start dating again.

Monica:Chandler, that's actually really sweet.

Chandler:Well, I'm not just a pretty face. I'm also a pretty good friend.

Joey:Dude, you just said 'pretty face.'

Chandler:Okay, so you owe me... *pulls out calculator* ...carrying the one... *taps buttons* ...a jillion dollars.

Joey:I'm doing research for this thing.

Chandler:Research? What kind of research?

Joey:You know, science stuff.

Chandler:Science stuff. Wow. That's impressive.

Monica:Wait, what kind of fertility research?

Joey:I don't know, something about helping people have babies.

Monica:Joey, please tell me you're not...

Joey:What? It's easy money!

Monica:Oh my God.

Phoebe:Oh my God, Joey, that is so sweet! You're like the most generous person ever!

Phoebe:I mean, think about it - somewhere out there, there's a kid who has your eyes, your smile, your sense of humor...

Phoebe:That's beautiful, man. That's really beautiful.

Joey:Hey, I'm making great money!

Ross:Yeah, how much are they paying you?

Joey:Fifty bucks a shot.

Chandler:That's not bad. I mean, you're not exactly overqualified for the job.

Ross:I'm making money hand over fist!

Chandler:Yeah.

Phoebe:You know, I don't eat meat. I think it's really cruel to animals. Like, how would you like it if someone killed you and ate you?

Phoebe:That's basically what's happening here. You're all just eating dead bodies. Charred, dead bodies.

Joey:Joey see meat. Joey like meat. Joey eat meat.

Joey:We make fire. Cook meat. Put out fire by peeing, no get invited back.

Joey:I'm not gonna lie to you, it's not the easiest thing in the world.

Chandler:What, you have to see a cup?

Joey:Yeah.

Chandler:Well, that's not so bad.

Joey:No, it's not. But it's still weird, you know? I mean, what if I run into someone I know there?

Joey:My girlfriend wants to have sex all the time. I'm exhausted!

Chandler:Oh no, what a terrible problem to have. I'm sure there's a support group for that. 'Hello, my name is Joey, and I have too much sex.'

Chandler:Joey, you just said 'if you know what I mean' after describing the exact thing you meant.

Ross:I'm going to China next month for a paleontology conference.

Chandler:Oh wow, that's great! What's it about?

Ross:Well, there's been this dispute over some fossils we discovered. The Chinese paleontologists don't want us to have them.

Joey:Wait, they don't want you to have them? Why not?

Ross:Because they're claiming they were found on Chinese soil and belong in a Chinese museum.

Chandler:So... they don't want you to have them.

Ross:So I'm going to China for a paleontology conference, but it's really not that big a deal. I mean, sure, it's the largest paleontology conference in the world, and yes, I'm presenting my research on dinosaur evolution, but honestly, I could just skip it and stay home and watch TV instead.

Ross:Okay, so when Ben comes to visit, you'll show him the photo, right?

Ross:And maybe you could tell him about some of the things we do together?

Ross:You know, like... 'This is your dad. He's a paleontologist. He teaches at the university.'

Ross:'He's very smart. He knows a lot of big words.'

Ross:'He's very, very... handsome.'

Chandler:This baby could be the star of a show called 'Baby Names We Can Spell'.

Chandler:No, no, she meant the china. The plates.

Chandler:Could I BE any more clueless? No wait, I'm thinking of Simon, Theodore, and Alvin.

Chandler:So wait, if we're in China eating Chinese food, does that make us... cultured?

Emotional moment between friends. Blaming alcohol for emotional honesty

Character:I'm not drunk, I barely had anything to drink.

Rachel:I love you.

Ross:I love you too.

Rachel:No, I mean... I love you. Like, in love with you.

Ross:Oh. Oh! I... yeah, me too.

Carl:You know, I'm really getting into the fruit basket business. I call it 'A-peel-ing Arrangements.'

Carl:Get it? A-peel? Like the peel of the fruit, but also 'appealing'? So it's a pun on the word appeal, except I've replaced the 'a' with the word 'a,' and then added 'peel,' which is what you remove from fruit when you eat it...

Joey:I don't know what to do, man. She's frustrated, I'm frustrated...

Chandler:Well, you don't always have to go all the way. There are other things you can do.

Joey:Like what?

Chandler:Use your imagination. You've got hands, you've got a mouth...

Joey:Chandler!

Chandler:What? I'm just saying there are other bases you can hit before you get to home plate.

Chandler:You know, when you're with a woman, sometimes you have to read between the lines. Pick up on subtle hints.

Joey:Oh, I'm great at that! I can tell when a woman wants me.

Chandler:Right. So if a woman says, 'It's getting really hot in here,' what does that mean?

Joey:She wants you to turn down the thermostat?

Joey:This book meant everything to me as a kid. It taught me about friendship, about dreams, about believing in yourself.

Joey:And now I want to pass that magic on to you, Rach.

Phoebe:Well, if he's like a child, maybe he needs to see a pediatrician. Although, the last time I took a child to the doctor, they said he had 'failure to thrive.' I didn't even know he was supposed to be thriving!

Chandler:Hey, that's nice, but you know what's really romantic? Travel Scrabble.

Rachel:Wait, he was in love?

Chandler:Yeah, he bought her a crystal duck.

Rachel:Oh my God.

Rachel:What did you say to Ross about being in love with me?

Chandler:Whoa, whoa, whoa! You knew about that?

Rachel:Yes! What did you tell him?

Chandler:Well, I didn't tell him anything. He figured it out on his own.

Rachel:So you just confirmed it?

Chandler:I mean... he already knew. I was just... you know, being a good friend and not lying to him about the fact that he's in love with you.

Chandler:Oh yeah, that'll help. Rub your head, that'll make it all better. What are you doing, trying to polish away your problems?

Rachel:This is really huge news.

Rachel:I mean, it's big. It's really big. It's huge. It's... it's ginormous. It's... it's titanic. It's... okay, I'm running out of words here, but the point is, this is MASSIVE!

Chandler:You know what? I'm just gonna treat you like my TV remote. You're annoying, you don't work half the time, and whenever I'm done with you, I'm gonna throw you on the couch and sit on you.

Monica:Your flight already left.

Monica:In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will automatically descend from the compartment above your seat. Please secure your own mask before assisting others.

Rachel:What's the time difference to China?

Monica:Well, it depends on traffic to the airport.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! Where are you going?

Rachel:To the airport! I have to stop Ross from getting on that plane!

Joey:Oh. Well, can you pick me up some gum on the way back?

Rachel:You have to tell him that I'm carrying his child.

Security Guard:Yeah, I'll tell him you're care-rying his child.

Random Man:Hello? Who is this? How did you get this number?

Caller:Is this Ross? I need to tell you something important about the deep freeze.

Random Man:Deep freeze? Lady, I think you have the wrong number. I don't know any Ross, and I don't know what you're talking about.

Caller:No, no, you don't understand. This is urgent. It's about the specimens in the deep freeze at the museum.

Random Man:Listen, I don't know what museum you're talking about, but if you call this number again, I'm gonna come through this phone and deep freeze YOU.

Joey:Okay, so you're saying I should focus on my partner's pleasure first?

Joey:I can do that. I'm all about making them happy.

Joey:So like, what do I do? Do I ask them what they want?

Joey:Oh! Oh! I got it! I'll spend the whole time just asking 'You like that? You like that? You like that?'

Joey:Boy, somebody's gonna get a big fruit basket tomorrow!

Melanie:You're so generous and selfless, Joey. You know what? The ultimate compliment I can give you is... you're like a woman.

Joey:Thank you!

Joey:A woman? Hey, I'll take that as a compliment!

Joey:I mean, women are great. I love women!

Chandler:Could I BE any more excited? I got the pizza coupons in the mail today. Two large pizzas for the price of one! This is it. This is what I've been waiting for my whole life.

Monica:Should I save this wrapping paper?

Chandler:No, Monica, just throw it away.

Monica:But it's still good!

Chandler:You know what? This is how it starts. First it's wrapping paper, then it's me.

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God! If you and Rachel get married, that would make us friends-in-law! We'd be friends-in-law!

Phoebe:Well, if you date someone for seven years, then you break up, that's seven years of your life you can never get back. But if you marry them right away, you only lose like three months!

Rachel:I don't know, Monica. I'm just not sure about Ross.

Monica:What? You're dumping my brother?

Chandler:Hey! What about me? I'm right here!

Chandler:Yeah, well, I was trying to sleep, and it sounded like the Giants won the World Series in my bedroom.

Joey:I discovered I can do this thing with my tongue...

Chandler:Joey, I've known you for years and I never knew you had depth.

Rachel:Oh. A skirt. How... thoughtful.

Monica:Rachel, how could you?

Rachel:What? He asked me out!

Monica:He's Ross's friend! You know he likes you!

Rachel:Monica, that was forever ago.

Monica:Forever ago? Rachel, Ross is probably up there right now crying into his paleontology journals!

Joey:When a blind man gets his sight back, does he walk around like this?

Ross:Hi! I'm Ross. I couldn't help but notice you're on a date with Rachel. I just want to say, I'm in love with her, and I think you should know that before this goes any further.

Carl:Oh... okay.

Ross:So, um, yeah. That's pretty much it. I'm just gonna... I'm gonna go.

Ross:Oh, an electric car? How very... environmentally conscious of you, Carl. You know what? I've done the research. The electricity powering that thing comes from a coal plant three states over. So really, you're just driving around in a car powered by dinosaur bones. You're basically piloting a fossil fuel vehicle with extra steps and a smug expression.

Rachel:You've never been in a relationship that didn't end.

Ross:Well, I'm not in a relationship right now, so technically, this one could go on forever.

Carl:I'm telling you, these electric cars are ruining everything! I got stuck behind one on the highway yesterday going 35 miles per hour. 35! The guy was probably saving the planet one slow mile at a time while the rest of us are trying to get to work!

Rachel:He's a tuxedo cat with a white chest and paws. He's very affectionate and he loves to cuddle.

Chandler:Oh God, oh God, oh God. Rachel's gonna tell Ross she has feelings for him. This is it. This is how it all falls apart.

Chandler:You know what? I'm gonna regret this. In like thirty years, I'm gonna be sitting somewhere and I'm gonna think, 'I can't believe I missed the episode of Baywatch where the guy's Jeep gets stuck in the sand.'

Wrong Passenger:I'm back at the airport. I've been getting these texts all week from someone named Rachel asking if I want to 'get coffee.'

Wrong Passenger:I don't know any Rachel! But apparently Rachel thinks I'm someone named Ross and that we have 'unfinished business.'

Wrong Passenger:This morning she sent me a photo of a haircut asking 'Do you like it?' Lady, I don't know you!

Wrong Passenger:Now my wife thinks I'm having an affair with someone named Rachel. I had to show her my boarding pass from last week to prove I was at the airport!

Unknown woman:So when do I get to meet your friends?

Ross:Well, they're very nice people. They're not judgmental at all.

Unknown woman:That's great!

Rachel:Wait, who is this?

Monica:And where did you find her?

Chandler:Yeah, those shoes are really something.

Phoebe:I'm sensing some daddy issues.

Joey:How you doin'?

Woman:Do you think your friends will judge me?

Ross:Oh, they're absolutely going to judge you. But not for the reasons you think.

Woman:Well, that's... oddly reassuring?