The One with Ross's Step Forward

And to be completely honest, he's not that good in bed.

all I wanna do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack

And keep in mind, I was carrying triplets. So in medical terms, I was thrice as randy.

Last weekend, I went from store to store, sitting on Santas' laps.

I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a Footlocker.

Where are the pictures that creepy pretzel vendor took of us together?

Oh, my God. All he took were pictures of my breasts!

I'm missing picture time?

You know, she has a face, Ross.

Congratulations! You just got married!

Hey, hey, hey. That's your wife you're talking about.

Bing! Ho, and the Bingette!

Heh, sorry? Finally chewed my leg out of that bear trap.

Well, give it time.

They keep throwing sexual harassment cases at me...and I keep knocking them out of the park!

Oh, yeah. Boy, urine cuts right through an ice sculpture, doesn't it?

Well, we haven't said that to each other yet...but I guess it's okay to say it to other people.

Let's do the card!

Really? I mean, even with the card?

You know who I'm talking about? Bowl haircut, hairy fingers?

Yes, you are.

Right. I meant...you know, in your spare time. Do you cook? Ski? Or hang out with your wife or girlfriend?

I love to ski! How amazing is this?

Ew, Dr. Schiff! What kind of question is that?

Would you like me to lie down on the table?

Do you feel it too?

In the middle of the exam I put my pinkie in his chin dimple.

Oh, yeah, the Evander Holyfield phase.

You were so hard up, you practically came on to me.

Hey, I could've had you if I wanted you. Oh, yeah? Come and get it.

Okay, even this is turning me on.

No self-respecting man would ask a woman, 'So where is this going?'

Uh, Ross, you asked me that. Hey, you were a closed book, okay? I'm not a mind reader!

Making her a mix tape? Uh, bigger than that. Give her a key to your apartment. Whoa, hello. We were closer with the tape.

But, oh, I could say, 'I love spending time with you.' No, we hate that. That is a slap in the face.

I think if it was a little colder in here...I could see your nipples through that sweater.

Oh? Why not? It's the semifinals...of her...bocce ball tournament.

Because, uh, we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me.

Well, I can't say I'm altogether surprised. I saw the way she looked at you, and there was no love there.

And the way she looked at me, pure lust.

What would help me through this tough time...is choking someone. Can I choke you?

But to hell with that bitch!

So, um...well, I really like you. And I love, um, you know, hanging out with you. And I'm having a lot of fun.

I mean, there's no point in spending time with someone if it's just fun. It's gotta be going somewhere, right?

And the answer is...it's going somewhere...fun.

I know what you're thinking. Fun was fine for you 10 years ago. But you're not getting any younger.

You look like you're getting younger by the second. What's your secret?

Well, to sum up: We're having fun. You look young.

So, heh, so...here's a key to my apartment.

Not just a key, I gave her the only key! I am now a homeless person in a very serious relationship.

Great. I live on the street.

Um, he's here to have sex with you.

It's okay. He's a virgin.

That's all right, sir. And that's just one girl.

It's a hand. It's a thing you use as a Jack and Coke holder.

If you whip it right, you might hit a seagull in the head.

Apparently, I give them away for no reason at all.

Good luck, buddy.

I made you a mix tape.

I love you.

And I love spending time with you.

From the tequila factory?

And when I wouldn't give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird.

I can breathe through my mouth.

It was like It's a Wonderful Life with lap dances.

Ooh, I don't know if we're there yet.

Is the cute blond guy delivering tonight? Very 'Abercrombie & Fitch.'

I don't hang up on your friends.

How do I put this? Um... Erotically charged.

Is that college talk for 'horny'?

Just with someone I feel comfortable with and who knows what he's doing. For just one great night. I mean, is that really so hard...to find?

Good. I, uh, saw a pretty big pigeon.

I can't do it! I didn't ask you to! You're Rachel! You're Joey! You're my friend! Right back at you.

Plus, it would be wrong, and weird and bad! So bad! I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't ask you to do anything.

You wanna do it? No! Me neither, I'm just testing you! That's the end of this conversation!

Get back in there!

Now this is just a loan, okay? I'm gonna want him back. So... I'm gonna go now.

I'm sorry, I thought I could do it, and I can't.