The One With Rosss Step Forward

Rachel:Oh my God, look at that guy by the window. He's so cute. He has really nice eyes, and his hair is...

Rachel:Actually, you know what? He's really good in bed.

Rachel:I know it's weird, but I'm actually kind of attracted to him.

Monica:Really? Why?

Rachel:I don't know, there's just something about him...

Chandler:Is he wearing sweatpants AND a fanny pack?

Rachel:...Yes.

Chandler:Oh my God, that's the least sexy combination ever.

Phoebe:Oh yeah, the hormones were crazy. I was thrice as randy!

Rachel:I'm pregnant, okay? My hormones are all over the place. I could be sitting on a mall Santa one minute for completely innocent reasons, and the next minute I'm...

Rachel:I don't even know what I'm doing anymore!

Phoebe:I had this craving for a life-size cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from the Foot Locker in the Port Authority.

Ross:Wait, who took these photos? Oh my God, it was that creepy pretzel vendor!

Monica:Wait, so you've been taking pictures of me this whole time?

Pretzel Vendor:Only the important parts.

Joey:I missed it?! Why didn't anybody tell me?

Joey:Dude, she's got a face!

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Holiday cards? That's like... that's like a couple thing! Next thing you know you'll be picking out china patterns and talking about kids' names!

Ross:Mona's crazy.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! You can't just call her crazy. That's not fair. Besides, if you're gonna break up with her, you gotta at least give her a reason.

Ross:I did give her a reason.

Joey:Well, what are you gonna do about the Christmas card? 'Cause you can't just take her picture off. That's like... that's like a divorce!

Doug:Hey Chandler, Monica! How's it going?

Chandler:Doug! Great to see you, man.

Doug:So Chandler, I've been calling Monica 'Bingette' - you know, like a cute nickname for Mrs. Bing?

Monica:Bingette? That's... that's not happening.

Chandler:Yeah, Doug, we're gonna need you to stop that.

Doug:Yeah, well, marriage is like a bear trap. You're walking through the woods, not bothering anybody, and then—SNAP! Your leg's gone and you're bleeding out on the forest floor.

Chandler:No leg-chewing.

Doug:Your marriage is doomed.

Doug:I should be out of court by 6.

Doug:I'm treating sexual harassment cases as a game I'm winning.

Monica:Well, Doug peed on our ice sculpture.

Chandler:And that's why we don't talk to Doug anymore.

Ross:Well, I say 'I love you' to my friends all the time.

Mona:Yeah, but that's different.

Ross:Is it? Is it really? Because I think it's actually easier to say to someone you barely know. That way, if they don't say it back, you can just pretend you were being sarcastic.

Mona:So where is this relationship going?

Ross:You know what? I just realized—today is Thanksgiving! We should really focus on that. Here, I got you a card.

Ross:It's very special. Let's just... read it together. Multiple times.

Mona:We still need to have the relationship conversation.

Ross:But I got you a card!

Rachel:Was he cute? The guy who took my blood?

Nurse:Um, not really, no.

Rachel:Oh. He had really nice hands though. And he smelled like a beekeeper.

Nurse:Okay...

Dr. Schiff:Hi, I'm Dr. Schiff.

Rachel:Yes, yes you are.

Doctor:I'm a doctor.

Rachel:Oh, that's great! Do you work long hours?

Doctor:Yes, very long hours.

Rachel:So you probably don't have much time for... relationships?

Rachel:Wait, the doctor skis? Oh my God, that's so great! I mean, that's... that's amazing! You know what? This changes everything. He skis! He actually skis! That is just... wow. I can't believe how perfect that is. A doctor who skis? That's like, that's like the ideal man right there. Oh my God, I'm so excited I could just...

Doctor:Do you experience any painful gas?

Rachel:Only when I'm around you.

Doctor:Would you like to lie down on the table?

Rachel:Lie down on the table? I'd love to.

Rachel:I mean, just like that? Right here? Right now?

Doctor:Is there something going on between you two?

Rachel:Oh my God, you feel it too?

Rachel:So I went to the doctor, right? And he's examining me, and I'm just lying there on the table. And then—I don't know what I was thinking—I just grabbed his butt!

Phoebe:Oh honey, it's just a phase. I went through my boxer phase too.

Joey:She came onto me! I'm serious! She was like, 'Joey, I want you so bad right now.'

Rachel:I did not!

Joey:You were hormonal!

Rachel:I was NOT hitting on you, Joey!

Joey:Yeah, well, you had that look in your eyes.

Rachel:I did not come on to you.

Joey:Oh please, you were all over me.

Rachel:I was not!

Joey:You totally were. You couldn't keep your hands off me.

Rachel:Joey, stop it.

Joey:Make me.

Rachel:What?

Joey:You heard me. Make me stop.

Rachel:I... we can't...

Joey:Why not?

Rachel:Because! This is... we're just messing around.

Joey:Are we though?

Rachel:Okay, okay, I'm trying not to find this attractive, but it's not working.

Joey:What? This? Come on, you know I'm just joking around.

Rachel:I know you are! That's the problem. Even when you're not being serious, it's... it's working.

Joey:Hey, I don't like relationship talks either. They're terrible.

Joey:A guy doesn't want to sit around and analyze every little thing.

Joey:We just want to kick back, have a beer, and not talk about our feelings.

Rachel:That is not true!

Ross:Yes it is!

Rachel:So what's the right gesture? Not too big, not too small?

Ross:Well, I made you a mix tape once and you just... put it in a drawer.

Rachel:It was sweet!

Ross:But you know what would have meant something? If I'd given you my apartment key.

Rachel:Your apartment key? That's way bigger than a mix tape.

Ross:Exactly. Mix tape? Drawer. Apartment key? That's a relationship.

Ross:What about 'We need to talk'? No, that's always bad. How about 'I have something to tell you'?

Rachel:No, that's worse!

Monica:Yeah, that means you're breaking up with us.

Ross:Well, what if I say it really fast?

Rachel:It doesn't matter how fast you say it, Ross. We don't want to hear it.

Ross:So what do you think? Should I tell her how I feel?

Rachel:Oh my God, yes! Take her right now, throw her on the couch, and just... I need some water.

Doug:Why can't you do dinner tomorrow?

Chandler:Because... we have to go to our... bocce ball... tournament.

Chandler:Yeah, it's very important. Monica's the best bocce ball player in the city.

Chandler:We're hoping to go all the way.

Chandler:Because, uh, we split up. Monica and I split up. Hold me.

Doug:Well, at least now you can finally admit you've been in love with Chandler since the day you met him.

Monica:I have not!

Doug:And the way she looked at me, pure lust.

Chandler:I'm gonna ask you to stop talking about Monica that way.

Chandler:Monica would freak if she found out I went to a strip club.

Doug:Your ex-wife?

Ross:Well, I mean, when you think about it, relationships are... they're complicated, you know? Like, there's the emotional component, and then there's the practical side of things, and sometimes those two things don't necessarily align in the way that you might expect them to, given the circumstances of how two people meet and interact on a day-to-day basis. So it's not really a simple yes or no situation.

Ross:We're having fun.

Mona:Fun isn't enough.

Ross:Where do you see this going? I mean, are we just having fun or is this something more?

Ross:Well, I think it's fun. You're fun. We have fun. It's just... fun.

Ross:Fun? I thought you said you were having fun!

Mona:

Ross:Oh my God, you're not having fun. Look, I'm sorry, I know I'm not the most exciting guy, but I'm only 29!

Ross:You know what I meant. You're not old. You're... you're like a fine wine.

Ross:You get better with age.

Mona:So where are we in this relationship?

Ross:Well, I think we're at that point where we need to define things. Are we exclusive? Are we just casual? I mean, we've been seeing each other for a few months now, and I think it's only fair that we establish some parameters about what this actually is.

Mona:Okay...

Ross:So... I guess what I'm saying is, I like you, and I'd like to know if you feel the same way, and if maybe you'd want to be my girlfriend.

Mona:That's not enough.

Ross:What? What do you want from me?

Ross:Here, take my apartment key!

Ross:I gave away my only key to the apartment.

Chandler:You gave away your only key? Where are you going to live?

Ross:Well, I'm homeless, but I'm committed to the relationship.

Monica:Ross, that makes no sense.

Ross:I know, but I'm really committed.

Phoebe:So how did it go?

Ross:Well, I told her I couldn't afford it, she said she couldn't either, so we're both moving back in with our parents.

Phoebe:This is Roger. He's a guy I've been seeing.

Phoebe:He's gonna help me move some stuff.

Phoebe:Oh don't worry, it's not gonna hurt. Well, maybe a little bit the first time, but that's normal.

Doug:Wow, look at those twin sisters dancing together!

Chandler:Actually, that's just one person and a mirror.

Chandler:This? Oh, this is my hand. It's primarily used for waving, occasional high-fives, and pointing at things I want but can't afford.

Doug:We could throw it in the East River.

Doug:Probably injure some wildlife, but it'd be worth it.

Ross:I'm giving out keys like they're party favors.

Locksmith:You know, in thirty years of lock work, I've seen a lot of relationship drama. But this? This is a new one. Good luck with that.

Mona:What are you trying to tell me with these mixed signals?

Ross:I'm not trying to tell you anything with mixed signals. I'm just... look, maybe I should just do the smaller gesture.

Mona:A mix tape? That's so sweet, but why are you telling me this now?

Ross:Because I'm in love with you and I want to marry you!

Ross:I love you, Mona.

Chandler:Honey, I'm home!

Monica:You've had three martinis.

Chandler:And when I wouldn't give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird.

Monica:Okay, you need to take a shower, but I still love you.

Chandler:Without Monica, my apartment would be a mess, I'd probably be eating cereal for dinner, and I'd be spending a lot more time at strip clubs.

Chandler:Actually, that sounds like It's a Wonderful Life.

Chandler:We should send out a holiday card.

Monica:That is not a good idea.

Rachel:Hi, I'd like to order a large pepperoni pizza for delivery... Yes, and um, what time can you have that here? ...Great! And um, who's going to be delivering that? ...Oh really? Is he cute? I mean, is he... is he reliable?

Joey:They hung up on you? What did you do?

Rachel:I didn't do anything! I just asked them if they could make a pizza without the crust.

Joey:No crust? Why would you... Oh! Oh, I know what happened. You hurt their feelings. That's like going to your friend's house and saying, 'Hey, I like you, but not the way you are.'

Rachel:Joey, I'm experiencing an acute elevation of my reproductive desires.

Joey:Rach, you're horny.

Rachel:Yes, but in a very sophisticated way.

Rachel:It was erotically charged.

Joey:Hey, I'm not gonna lie to you, that sounds pretty good to me.

Rachel:I want someone who's attractive, funny, charming, spontaneous, and doesn't want anything serious...

Rachel:...to find.

Joey:How was my day? It was great, it was really great. I went to this audition, right? And there was this pigeon outside the casting office, and it was just sitting there, you know? And I'm thinking, 'Is that pigeon judging me?' Like, does it know I forgot my lines? And then it just flew away, and I swear it looked disappointed.

Joey:We're still friends, right?

Rachel:Of course! Best friends!

Joey:Best friends. Yeah. The best.

Rachel:The absolute best!

Joey:I'm gonna go to my room now.

Rachel:Yeah, good idea. I'll just... go to my room.

Joey:We're cool though?

Rachel:So cool! The coolest!

Joey:Okay, going now!

Rachel:Okay, bye!

Joey:Still friends!

Rachel:Still friends!

Rachel:We are not thinking about it!

Joey:Not at all!

Rachel:It would be completely weird.

Joey:The weirdest thing ever.

Rachel:I mean, we're friends. Best friends.

Joey:Exactly. It would ruin everything.

Rachel:Totally ruin it.

Joey:So we're not going to.

Rachel:Definitely not.

Joey:So you're saying there's no way you could ever see us together?

Rachel:No, Joey. We're friends. That's it.

Joey:Right, right. Okay, one last question — and I want you to really think about this.

Rachel:Joey, no more questions.

Joey:If we were the last two people on Earth—

Rachel:We're done talking about this.

Joey:—and you had to repopulate—

Rachel:This conversation is over.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! Get back in your room!

Phoebe:I got you something. It's a gift to help with your problem.

Rachel:Oh, thank you, Phoebe. What is it?

Phoebe:It's a book about dealing with stuff. You just borrow it, read it, and then return it when you're done. Like, you don't keep it.

Rachel:Oh... okay.

Phoebe:Yeah, so, um, same thing with people. You can borrow them, use them to help with your problem, and then just... return them when you're done.

Rachel:Phoebe, people aren't books.

Phoebe:Well, that's what you think.

Phoebe:Anyway, I should go. I'm double-parked.

Rachel:Okay, I'm doing it. I'm going to go talk to him.

Rachel:I can't do it. I can't do it.