The One That Could Have Been

Ross:You know, it's funny how people think things disappear from the Internet.

Ross:They don't. Nothing disappears from the Internet. It's there forever.

Chandler:And that's why we don't talk about the Internet.

Monica:Which divorce? I'm sorry, I need to be more specific.

Monica:Ross's first divorce.

Rachel:He didn't cheat on me. He cheated on Monica.

Ross:I wonder what life would be like without divorce.

Chandler:Yeah, well, you're gonna have to get married first.

Ross:If Carol hadn't realized she was a lesbian...

Chandler:Yeah, I can imagine that. Oh wait, no I can't.

Ross:Karate has really helped me work through things with Rachel.

Chandler:Yeah, I can see that. Although, I have to say, the way you're pronouncing it might be the problem.

Ross:What do you mean? I'm saying it correctly.

Chandler:You keep saying 'ka-RAH-tay.' It's 'ka-RAH-tee.' No wonder it's not working!

Monica:Would you date me if I was still fat?

Chandler:No.

Monica:Would you have dated me before?

Chandler:No.

Joey:I got fired from Days of Our Lives.

Chandler:Oh my God, that's terrible! Wait, does this mean you're gonna end up like Ross with a lesbian ex-wife?

Chandler:Well, I work in statistical analysis and data reconfiguration.

Phoebe:I couldn't take that job on Wall Street. Do you know what they do there? They take money from poor people and give it to rich people. I can't be a part of that.

Phoebe:Plus, if I go to Wall Street, I'm gonna get hit by a bus. And if I get hit by a bus, I'm gonna die. And if I die, I'm not gonna be able to come to your birthday party.

Chandler:Yeah, that's not a good enough reason to work in stocks.

Ross:Hi, I'm Ross. Ross Geller.

Rachel:Oh, we've met before, right?

Ross:Yeah, we have. Many times. I'm Monica's brother.

Rachel:Oh! Right, right. Sorry, I'm terrible with names.

Ross:It's okay. It's just... Ross. One syllable.

Rachel:I know! I'm just messing with you.

Ross:I was just... I was buying it for a friend!

Chandler:Yeah, right. What's his name?

Ross:I don't remember!

Ross:I was buying it for someone else!

Monica:Who?

Ross:Um... Chandler.

Chandler:What?

Ross:I was getting it for you as a gift.

Chandler:Since when do you buy me gifts like that?

Ross:Since... now? I'm thoughtful.

Chandler:Oh, please, tell us more about hazelnuts. I'm on the edge of my seat.

Richard:Well, hazelnuts are actually quite fascinating...

Chandler:Could they be? Could they *be* any more fascinating?

Chandler:Could I BE any more rejected?

Richard:The answer is the Panama Canal.

Chandler:Oh wow, Richard knows about the Panama Canal. What's next, you're gonna tell us about the invention of the wheel?

Chandler:I have my pride. I may not have a job, I may not have any money, but I have my pride.

Joey:You're living in my apartment.

Joey:Chandler, I'm hiring you as my assistant.

Chandler:Really? What would I be assisting you with?

Joey:Well, like, if I need something, you help me get it.

Chandler:Okay, so I'm here whenever you need me?

Joey:Exactly! Like right now, I need you to go get me a sandwich.

Chandler:Joey, I'm literally standing right next to you.

Joey:I know, but that's why I hired you. You're my assistant!

Phoebe:Okay, so when I say the stock went up by five points, that means it went up. Up is the direction that's opposite of down. Down is where the floor is, up is where the ceiling is. So the stock went ceiling-direction by five points.

Phoebe:And a thousand? That's like, if you had ten hundreds, and then you did that ten times. It's a really big number. I know, math is crazy.

Phoebe:Oh, that's okay, it was just an honest mistake.

Phoebe:You're fired.

Rachel:Monica, you look amazing! Have you lost weight?

Monica:Actually, yes! I lost exactly two pounds.

Rachel:Two pounds? That's it?

Monica:Well, technically it was two pounds and three ounces, but I don't like to brag.

Rachel:I'm so excited! I'm friends with Dr. Drake Ramoray!

Ross:Rachel, he's not real. He's a character on a soap opera.

Phoebe:What's your name?

Potential Employee:It's David.

Phoebe:Not anymore. You're going to be Gladys now.

Phoebe:Did you eat my pen? And my yogurt? And my hopes and dreams?

Ross:So I had the most incredible day at work today. I delivered twins!

Ross:Well, technically the mother delivered them. I just stood there and caught them.

Chandler:Wait, wait, wait. 'Make sure Mr. Tribbiani's apartment is always at exactly 72 degrees'? 'Organize his sock drawer by thread count'? 'Taste test all his meals for poison'?

Monica:So basically, you're his slave.

Chandler:No, no, no. I'm his *assistant*.

Monica:With a salary?

Chandler:...We're still negotiating that part.

Monica:Yeah, you're his slave.

Phoebe:Wait, wait, wait. Do they still make Kit Kats?

Chandler:Yeah, Pheebs, they still make Kit Kats.

Phoebe:Oh thank God. I thought I lost everything.

Phoebe:Am I having a heart attack?

Monica:Phoebe, you're fine. You're just anxious.

Phoebe:Oh... so I'm not dying?

Monica:No.

Phoebe:Well, that's good. Because I have a lot of things I still want to do.

Monica:Well, at least if you have a heart attack, you know your heart's still working!

Phoebe:Yeah, right before it stops. Forever.

Monica:It's okay, Phoebe. You're going to be fine. I promise you won't die.

Monica:Well, not today anyway.

Phoebe:Oh wow, that is the worst advice I have ever heard. You know what? I'm gonna go find a homeless guy and ask him what to do, because at least he'll have the excuse of being mentally ill.

Joey:So what'd you do last night?

Ross:Oh, I was with a woman.

Joey:All night?

Ross:Yeah.

Joey:Ross!

Ross:What? It was my sister!

Joey:Come on, Phoebe, what about that stockbroker fantasy?

Phoebe:I don't have a stockbroker fantasy!

Joey:Yeah, you do. You told me about it.

Phoebe:No, I didn't! That was someone else's fantasy that I was... recounting. It's not mine.

Chandler:He's got a code for 'I'm hungry' — it's 9-1-1. He's got a code for 'Let's get pizza' — 7-7-7. He's got a code for 'I just ate and I'm still hungry' — that's just him calling and breathing heavily.

Joey:They're perfect! Look at them—they're broken in, they're soft, they got character. These jeans have stories to tell.

Joey:And over here is where we film all the indoor scenes.

Crew Member:Joey, we need you on set in five.

Joey:Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there, buddy.

Joey:I'm not using a script. Everything I say comes from the heart.

Rachel:Really? Because that's the exact same thing you said to Monica last week.

Joey:No, no, no... I was ad-libbing.

Rachel:You told her she had 'eyes like the stars in the New York sky.' Verbatim.

Joey:I don't want pulp! What is pulp anyway? It's the stuff they couldn't get through the machine. It's failure. I don't want to drink failure!

Joey:Okay, okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Just... just take it easy, alright?

Chandler:Oh, I'm gonna take it easy... on you.

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Chandler:Actually, that's a double negative. I'm gonna take it hard on you.

Ross:We could try role-playing. You know, pretend we're strangers meeting in a bar.

Carol:Mmm, that could be fun.

Ross:Or we could invite someone else to join us.

Carol:Oh my God, yes!

Chandler:I wanted to give you something special to celebrate.

Chandler:So I got you this candy.

Joey:I don't like pulp, okay? I don't like it. I never liked it.

Monica:It's just pulp, Joey.

Joey:No, no, no. You don't understand. This is not just about pulp. Pulp is ruining my life. And another thing — mayonnaise is NOT a condiment. It is a food.

Chandler:So in this Archie Comics story, Archie's got two best friends, right? And one of them is really good-looking and doesn't have to try, and the other one is... well, let's just say he has a great personality.

Chandler:And I'm reading it thinking, 'This is my life. This is literally my life with Joey.'

Rachel:Wait, he's using his full name now? That's so grown up!

Monica:Yeah, well, when you're an actor, apparently 'Joey' isn't enough anymore. He needs to be 'Joseph Francis Tribbiani Jr.' to get taken seriously.

Rachel:That's actually kind of impressive.

Monica:It's ridiculous. But sure, fine, whatever makes him feel like a real actor.

Rachel:I wish I wasn't married.

Ross:Well, technically, we were on a break.

Rachel:We were never on a break, Ross!

Monica:Oh really? Well then maybe I'll just go out and sleep with... with Joey!

Monica:And then maybe... maybe I'll sleep with Chandler!

Monica:And then perhaps... perhaps I'll sleep with Ross!

Monica:And Phoebe! And Rachel! And... and that guy from the coffee shop!

Rachel:Monica's a virgin!

Guy:I heard that!

Rachel:Oh, Monica, what would you know about cheating? You're still a virgin!

Monica:I am not!

Rachel:Please, the only action you've seen is between the pages of a book.

Monica:Phoebe, there's smoke coming from the bathroom!

Phoebe:Oh, that's not the bathroom. That's me. I'm on fire.

Monica:They said if you don't come back by Monday, don't bother coming back at all.

Rachel:Joey, hi! So about tonight... I just want to make sure we're on the same page. This is a date, right?

Joey:Yeah, yeah, of course it's a date.

Rachel:Okay, because I told Monica I was going on a date, and she got all weird about it.

Joey:Well, what did you tell her?

Rachel:I said I was going out with you.

Joey:And?

Rachel:And she said, 'You're going out with Joey?' Like it was the craziest thing she'd ever heard.

Phoebe:That hat makes you look like a paperboy from the 1950s.

Phoebe:Not in a cute way. In a way where you'd ride your bike through someone's living room window and just keep going.

Phoebe:And then their grandmother would chase you down the street with a broom, but you'd be pedaling so hard in those knickers that you'd crash into a fire hydrant and take out a whole fence.

Monica:You should really get back into playing guitar.

Phoebe:Yeah, because that's where the money is.

Joey:Yeah, we had some fish in here, but they didn't really... make it.

Joey:I guess the chlorine got to them or something.

Joey:You know what they say about oysters, right?

Rachel:Yeah, they're high in protein and they have that really weird slimy texture that reminds me of phlegm.

Monica:Oh please, Chandler, you've slept with like two people.

Chandler:Two? Monica, I've been around.

Monica:Yeah, around the block. Twice. On the same day.

Chandler:That's not fair.

Monica:You know what? I've slept with way more people than you.

Chandler:Oh really? How many?

Monica:...Enough.

Monica:So... do you want to have sex with me?

Chandler:What? No! I was just kidding!

Monica:Oh, I was kidding too!

Chandler:Right, yeah, of course you were.

Monica:Totally kidding.

Chandler:Yeah.

Monica:So how many women have you slept with?

Chandler:Well, I... a lot. I mean, I've lost count.

Chandler:Okay, four.

Monica:We should do that again.

Chandler:Really?

Monica:Yeah! Right now!

Rachel:Did we have sex?

Joey:Well, let's just say the moment kind of... passed.

Rachel:You're a TV star!

Joey:No, no, no. There's a difference between a TV star and a famous actor. A TV star is someone like you see on TV. A famous actor is someone people recognize on the street.

Rachel:Joey, people recognize you on the street.

Joey:Yeah, but they don't know my name.

Joey:A ring is a circle, right? It has no beginning and no end. It's like our love.

Rachel:That's beautiful, Joey.

Joey:Yeah, well, it also cost like three months' salary, so... are we doing this or what?

Ross:So, uh, have you ever been in a threesome?

Joey:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ross! I'm flattered, man, but I'm not...

Ross:No, no, no! I'm asking for research purposes!

Joey:Oh. Well, yeah, actually, I have.

Ross:You know what? I'm just going to make a sandwich.

Ross:Oh, this is a good sandwich. You know, the key is to layer it properly. Bread, then mayo, then turkey, then more mayo...

Joey:Ross, what are you doing?

Ross:I'm making a sandwich, Joey. It's actually quite fascinating when you think about the structural integrity of—

Monica:I'm not a slut!

Monica:I have to go to the doctor tomorrow.

Chandler:Oh, what's wrong?

Monica:Nothing, just my annual checkup.

Chandler:Well, if you need me to come along and hold your hand...

Monica:I think I can handle a doctor's visit on my own.

Chandler:I was thinking more along the lines of moral support. You know, for the waiting room. And the examination.

Monica:Chandler...

Chandler:I'm just saying, I have very good bedside manner.

Phoebe:I'll be in my office.

Boss:You're fired.

Phoebe:I know. I meant that plant over there.

Ross:Wait a minute... Carol's a lesbian?

Chandler:And you're just figuring this out now?

Ross:Well, I thought it was just a phase!

Monica:Who beeped Dr. Roger?

Chandler:That was me. I'm not actually a doctor.

Monica:How many women have you slept with?

Chandler:Two.

Monica:Two? Only two?

Chandler:Well, three if you count that girl in summer camp, but I don't think it counts if you're wearing a retainer.

Monica:Wait, who are these two women?

Chandler:You... and Janice.

Phoebe:I'm saying goodbye to hate and anger... and I'm saying hello to love and acceptance. But first, I'm going to go to the Central Perk and poison the boss's coffee.