The One That Could Have Been (Part 1)

So it seems like this Internet thing is here to stay, huh?

It's okay not to talk.

No. Barry and Mindy. Oh, sorry. I hear 'divorce,' I immediately go to Ross.

But that just means he was falling asleep on top of her instead of me.

Which time? -The first time!

I can't. I keep seeing it the good way.

Maybe the problem was you were pronouncing it 'ka-ra-tay.'

You wouldn't be dating me, that's for sure. -Sure I would. -Come on. You guys really think I'm that shallow? No, I just think Monica was that fat.

Hey. Hey, there's Carol again.

But my job's fun too. I mean, tomorrow... I don't have to wear a tie.

Because at that time, I thought that everything that rhymed was true. I thought if I worked with stocks... I'd have to live in a box and only eat lox and have a pet fox.

Yeah, you don't want that in a broker.

Oh, I'm sorry. Ross Tilman. -No. No, no. Ross Geller. -Of course! Monica's brother.

Busty Ladies? No, that's okay. Some kid asked me to pick it up for him, but I...

Here you go, buddy. Sorry, no porn for you.

You know, the hazelnut, actually not a nut. It's a seed. -Wow. Can anyone else name a well-known seed that's been masquerading as a nut? -Oh, dear God. Let me think.

They said my writing was funny, just not 'Archie Comic' funny.

By the way, the answer is: the Brazil nut. -Was his question, 'What's more boring than him?'

I may have no money, but I still have my pride. -Really?

Since I don't need any assistance in there, take a break!

No. No, no. I said sell when it hits 50! Five-oh! It's a number! It comes after four-nine!

No, it's okay. It's okay. You're allowed one mistake. Just kidding. You are, of course, fired.

Did you lose weight? -You are so sweet to notice. Yes, I lost 3.5 pounds!

It's hard to be friends with Drake... because of his busy schedule and the fact that he's not real.

What's your name? What kind of name is 'Brindy'? Stop talking. All right, from now on your name is Joan. You can pick your own last name.

I can't find my pen. Did you eat that too?

I'm delivering twins today, but only one of them is mine.

'Teach me how to spell vitamins.' 'Wear in my new jeans.' -You realize what you are, don't you? -What? You're his bitch!

Wait! You didn't sit on my Kit Kats did you? No, there was a little, little dip in the market... and I lost 13 million dollars. But the Kit Kats are all right?

If I were, would I have shooting pains up and down my left arm? -Yes. -Then, yes. That is what I'm having.

Honey, having a heart attack is nature's way of telling you to slow down. -I always thought having a heart attack was nature's way of telling you to die.

You're not gonna die. I mean, you are going to die, but you're not gonna die today.

You should consider writing for Talking Out of Your Ass magazine.

How long has it been since you've had sex? -Well, last weekend... -Oh, that's not so bad. will be two months... since I stopped trying.

Or you could be two stockbrokers, and you're rolling naked on the trading floor... and everybody's watching. -It never happened.

One is: 'Bring me food.' Two is: 'I'm with a girl. Bring us food.' Three is: 'I'm lost and I can't find food.'

Go take off those pants. They look ready.

And that is a large piece of television equipment. And that is an old man. -Hey, old man! -Hey.

I may have said those things before, but... I never truly meant them until now. -That's a line from the show too!

No pulp. Pulp isn't juice. All juice.

You're gonna throw that juice at me, aren't you? -It's not all juice.

We could have a threesome. -I love that idea!

My last Kit Kat bar.

You know how Monica feels about low-fat mayonnaise? It's not mayonnaise!

As his butler. And then makes him do crazy things... Like bring him milk shakes that can't have lumps in them.

I just cannot believe this. I mean, Joey Tribbiani. -You don't have to use his last name. But, Monica, come on, it's Joey Tribbiani. -I guess you have to.

I wish we could just not be married for a little bit. You know, I just wish we could be, like, on a break.

Yeah, I can. Don't think I don't. I do. I mean, all the time. You bet!

Oh, my God. You're a 30-year-old virgin. -Say it louder. The guy in the back didn't hear you. Yeah, I heard it.

What do you know, virgin?

The doctor said that could be one of the side effects. -Put the cigarette out. No, it's not a cigarette. The smoke is coming out of me!

Yeah, she's fired.

Yeah, sure, sure, I can bring some sandwiches.

Why do you always wear that dumb hat? What, you late for your paper route? 'Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Jones. Here's your paper. I'm sorry about your window.'

People are not supposed to have heart attacks at 31. -I know. But if I didn't work there, what else would I do? -You used to like playing the guitar. -That was lucrative. Smart like your brother.

But if you think you could put a fish in there... and it wouldn't get sucked into the mechanism, you'd be wrong.

They have parasites?

All right, relax, Mr. I've-Had-Sex-Four-Times! -Four different women! I've had sex way more times. -How many? -Nine.

I was kidding. -So was I.

Do you have any moves? -I have some moves. I have no moves.

Oh, my God! I know! I'll tell you something. We are gonna do that again!

Not after seeing that.

I'm not a 'star.' I'm just a regular famous actor.

But I thought that ring stood for Capri's undying love for her brother. -Look, you want the ring or not?

Look, Ross, I think Carol's great, and I'm sure you're very attractive, but...

Made a snack. -What'd you have? -Just a sandwich. Turkey. A little mustard. -Sounds good. -It really was.

Hey, check me out. I'm a slut!

But after being with you, I'm like, 'Can the doctor see me now?' -I bet he can. 'I don't have an appointment, but I sure could use a physical.'

Phoebe, you don't have an office. -I'll work right here. This is good. Next to this plant.

She's gay. Oh, my God. She is so gay!

I'm the ruptured spleen.

There was just one woman, wasn't there? -No, there were two. -Including me? -Oh, yeah.

And that is just what I will do Soon as those bastards I worked for Die