The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey

Ross:You were with Monica?!

Chandler:Ross, I can explain—

Ross:No! You said we were friends!

Chandler:We are friends! This doesn't mean anything!

Ross:Doesn't mean anything? Chandler, you're treating our friendship like some casual thing!

Chandler:That's not fair—

Ross:We're done. I'm out.

Ross:*storms out*

Monica:What are you doing?

Chandler:I'm fleeing the scene. I'm an accessory after the fact. I'm harboring a fugitive... myself.

Chandler:So... how about those Knicks?

Chandler:So... you're mad?

Joey:Why would you tell him? Now the whole building's gonna know!

Monica:Chandler, I love you.

Chandler:I love you too.

Ross:Wow, this is... this is huge.

Joey:This calls for a celebration! Who wants to go to Hooters?

Joey:Hey, I'm just saying, let the lovebirds get back to business.

Ross:Oh, so now it's my fault?!

Joey:Dude, I'm not the one who broke up with her.

Joey:Wait a minute. You and Chandler... you're gonna have kids, right?

Monica:What?! I don't know! Maybe! Why would you—

Joey:Because I'm gonna be the godfather!

Monica:Joey, we haven't even—

Joey:I already picked out my godfather outfit. Black suit, white shirt, very intimidating.

Joey:Shotgun! I'm the godfather!

Chandler:You can't call shotgun on being a godfather.

Joey:Why not? I called it first!

Monica:Joey, you're getting way ahead of yourself.

Chandler:Yeah, he's not just ahead of himself, he's like... he's on Mars. And himself is still here on Earth. He's so far ahead of himself, NASA is tracking him.

Rachel:She's so cute!

Rachel:She's so tiny!

Phoebe:Oh yeah? Well, she could fit in my coin purse!

Joey:She's adorable, but... I don't know, man. Something about her just bothers me.

Rachel:What? She's tiny! What could possibly be wrong?

Joey:That's the thing — she keeps punching me. Like, full force. In the arm.

Rachel:She's five feet tall, Joey.

Joey:I know! That's what makes it so humiliating!

Joey:I can't believe Katie hurt me! She's like three feet tall!

Rachel:Well, why don't you hire Ross's son Ben as your bodyguard? He's in preschool.

Joey:Ben? He's like five years old!

Rachel:Exactly. Katie wouldn't stand a chance.

Rachel:So Joey's been living in Monica's apartment this whole time, and he doesn't even pay rent.

Monica:What? He's been here for months!

Phoebe:That's so Joey.

Rachel:Yeah, and get this - he told me he thought the rent was optional.

Monica:I know how hard this must be for you, Joey. People can be so cruel—

Katie:

Joey:Ow!

Phoebe:I brought you some housewarming gifts with traditional meanings. This bread is for prosperity, this salt is for flavor, and this plunger is for when you realize you have a weird pipe situation.

Phoebe:Oh my God, you're the president? Of the building?

Phoebe:That's like... that's like being the president of the country, but for a building.

Phoebe:You must have so much power. And responsibility.

Phoebe:Do you have a limo? Does the building give you a limo?

Steve:Howard's been here for 20 years, so he should contribute more.

Ross:Well, I've been here for 20 minutes, so I should contribute less.

Ross:I don't know who Howard is.

Steve:Howard's the guy who works in the building.

Ross:Well, to me he's just some guy.

Ross:I mean, can you believe how unreasonable Steve is being?

Phoebe:I know, but those pants are really working for him.

Ross:Even the children in the building hate me. Yesterday, a kid looked at me and said, 'There goes Ross, he's so cheap he won't even buy himself a new sweater.'

Phoebe:Well, at least he didn't spit in your mouth. That's how you get mono.

Phoebe:Why don't you just buy new furniture?

Phoebe:It's way cheaper than paying someone to fix it.

Ross:Well, it's not about the money, Phoebe. It's about being right.

Phoebe:Wait, so you want to throw a party but you don't want anyone to have fun?

Ross:No, no, that's not what I said. I'm an excellent party host. I throw great parties.

Rachel:Yeah, a crazy party animal.

Chandler:No, no, no. Monica doesn't want to get married. She just... likes to plan things. And babies? She just thinks they're cute. It's not like she's been dropping hints or anything.

Rachel:Chandler, she literally just said she wants to get married and have babies.

Chandler:Yeah, but she didn't *mean* it like that.

Chandler:I'm not like Richard! I'm completely different. I'm younger, I have less money, and I'm way less mature.

Chandler:Plus, I don't own a boat, I've never performed surgery, and I've certainly never dated Monica before... well, until now.

Rachel:You're nothing like Richard.

Chandler:Really? How so?

Rachel:Well, for starters, Richard is successful.

Joey:You know, breadsticks are funny.

Katie:Oh Joey, you're so smart and handsome! Your observations are brilliant!

Joey:Really?

Katie:No.

Joey:It's like being hit by a very tiny but very real bat.

Katie:Are you making fun of my size? Don't make fun of me because of my size!

Monica:Could you stay in bed with me forever?

Chandler:I can stay until like, 11.

Monica:What are you doing?

Chandler:Nothing! Just hanging out. You know, casual. Very casual. Just me, being casual. Casually casual.

Monica:Do you think I want all that stuff?

Chandler:No! No, of course not. You're gonna be a great mother. You're gonna be nurturing, and caring, and... and all of those things that mothers are.

Chandler:Okay, okay, I think we need to turn down the heat here.

Monica:Turn down the heat? You're the one who keeps stirring the pot!

Chandler:I'm just saying, maybe we should let this simmer for a bit instead of letting it boil over.

Monica:Oh, so now you want to simmer?

Chandler:Yes! Before someone gets burned. And I'm not talking about the casserole.

Monica:The only baby here is you.

Chandler:What?

Monica:We're done.

Monica:I can't look at you.

Chandler:Okay.

Monica:Who are 'these guys'? Your friends who think a high-five is an acceptable way to end a conversation?

Monica:You two are the worst relationship advisors ever.

Ross:Yeah, you're probably right.

Joey:Hey! Speak for yourself!

Monica:What would you have done if I said yes?

Chandler:Well, I would've run out of here so fast, there would've been a Chandler-shaped hole in that door. My feet would still be spinning when I got to the street.

Phoebe:Well, I like being the mysterious benefactor. It makes me feel like Batman.

Monica:Phoebe, you just gave them fifty dollars.

Phoebe:Fifty dollars worth of hope, Monica. Fifty dollars worth of hope.

Phoebe:Oh! Well, I didn't do it on purpose.

Joey:Is my padding obvious?

Chandler:No, no, it's not obvious. But it is mysterious.

Joey:I'm telling you, this girl is crazy. When I break up with her, she's gonna hit me so hard.

Chandler:So what's the problem?

Joey:The problem is I really like her! I got feelings for her!

Chandler:You? Feelings?

Joey:Yeah! I'm in love with her, okay? I'm in love with Katie!

Joey:Joey love.

Chandler:Could you BE any more in love with yourself?

Rachel:Well, we're not for everyone. But Joey loves us, and that's what matters.

Katie:I just think you're all so... intense.

Rachel:You know what? Maybe it's not us. Maybe it's you.

Rachel:Katie, you're just too much sometimes.

Katie:Too much? I'll show you too much!

Rachel:Joey, you have to choose. It's me or them!

Joey:Don't make me do this, Rach.

Rachel:Choose!

Joey:Okay... how much time do I have to decide?

Phoebe:I was trying to help you! I was telling Emily how you felt!

Ross:Phoebe, you made me sound like a monster!

Phoebe:I know! I don't know how that happened. I was going for sympathetic and somehow you ended up worse!

Steve:You cut Howard's cake?

Ross:It was an accident!

Crowd:12B! 12B! 12B!

Phoebe:No, no, Ross is great! He's really smart and funny and sensitive!

Phoebe:Just last week he tried to explain his paleontology work to me and I understood almost none of it, but he kept going for like forty-five minutes anyway!

Phoebe:And he's super considerate - he always remembers to tell us about his weekend plans whether we ask or not!

Phoebe:Okay, so when I first met Monica, I thought she was a high-strung, controlling neat freak.

Phoebe:When I first met Chandler, I thought he was a sarcastic jerk with commitment issues.

Phoebe:When I first met Ross, I thought he was a boring paleontologist who only cared about dinosaurs.

Phoebe:When I first met Rachel, I thought she was a spoiled, vapid princess who didn't know how to do anything.

Phoebe:And when I first met Joey, I thought he was a dumb, struggling actor who couldn't even read.

Phoebe:What? What did I say?

Phoebe:Well, if you insult people first, then when they insult you back, it's not an original thought!

Ross:That's not... that's not how that works.

Phoebe:Isn't it though?

Rachel:Oh my God!

Phoebe:This is insane.

Joey:I can't watch this.

Ross:It's like a car crash.

Monica:What is happening right now?

Chandler:Monica, I love you. Will you marry me?

Rachel:This is the worst proposal I've ever seen.

Phoebe:But we can't stop watching.

Chandler:Is 'sorry' the best reason to get married?

Monica:No. The number one reason to get married is because you want to spend the rest of your life with that person.

Monica:Okay, so I have a complete ranking system. A baby is number one. Then comes 'I'm dying,' then 'I'm moving to London,' then 'I'm sorry.'

Chandler:Well, this is awkward.

Chandler:So how long are you guys gonna tease me about the proposal?

Joey:Well, according to my calculations... the rest of your life.

Rachel:We were on a break!

Chandler:Monica, will you marry me?