The One with Rachel's Other Sister

Or we could save them for a fancy special occasion.

How about this: You could treat me like I'm an equal... or talk down to me like I'm a child.

Like if the queen of England comes over. Honey, she keeps canceling on us. Take the hint.

Like I'd let you talk to the queen.

Man, those horses can crap.

Muskogee? That's like four hours from Tulsa! Y'all look great! That's right, I said 'y'all!'

I forgot! I'm supposed to be there!

I can't believe I forgot! I usually write stuff like this down on my arm! Stupid long sleeves!

Like I was some kind of idiot. Well, you proved them wrong.

Oh, Emma. This is your first Thanksgiving. What are you thankful for? Mommy's boobies? A lot of people are thankful for those.

Hide my rings.

I decorated Dad's office. Yeah? Well, unless you pushed a desk out of your vagina, not the same thing.

Is this Emmett? It's Emma. It's a girl?

Not really. But you are much cuter than that geeky guy she used to date.

That was me. No, he was this creepy guy from high school who had this huge crush on her since, like, the ninth grade. Still me.

No, I'm not talking about you. It was your fat friend's brother with that bad Afro. Okay, Amy, I'm gonna save you some time, okay? All me!

I'll tell you what. For the rest of our lives... I'll be careful until told otherwise.

After you left the store, I chose different ones. Your taste is a little feminine for me.

Suddenly flowers are feminine?

How about the whole 'man walking on the moon' thing, you know? You can see the strings, people!

Somebody opened the door to the coffeehouse... and a raccoon ran in and went straight for your muffin. I said: 'Hey, don't eat that! That's Phoebe's!' And he said....

He said, 'Joey, you stink at lying.' What am I gonna do?

She's precious. Do you ever worry that she's gonna get your real nose?

Amy.... Yes, I do. I really do.

Sure. We don't live there, but....

Seriously? It's just these rooms? I thought you were a doctor.

Yeah. No, Ross has a Ph.D. God, she is unbelievable. I know. I mean, a Ph.D. is just as good as an MD. Sure, Ross, yeah! If I have a heart attack at a restaurant, I want you there with your fossil brush.

I swear, it's almost not even worth dating married guys.

It'll be like the Pilgrims bringing the Indians syphilis.

Ross, she may need one. We're just gonna have to make our peace with that!

Your baby had some sort of explosion of stink. The bonding's going great.

Wow! They must put a lot of makeup on you.

Yeah, I think so. It's nice to meet you, Emma. Phoebe. That's a funny noise.

Take Monica's dress. I said I loved it. I hate it. Hey! I'm also a great moron.

If you guys died!

Thank you, Amy.

At first I wouldn't know what to do with her. And then I would rise to the occasion. Then I'd get a makeover and get married. That's a great movie!

I'm just not really a big fan of Emily. Emma? Ross wants you.

Phoebe! Why does she keep making that noise?

Who? You're in their apartment.

Connected? To what? She's a lump.

That you two.... That you two.... This guy?

Okay, just to be clear, comedy with the plates will not be well-received.

Do you not trust me with a fancy plate? No, honey. That's a special plate. See, it's a game. Whoever gets that plate wins. I can't believe I won!

Monica is Ross' sister. No, Ross' sister was really fat.

That was me.

Now, see? This way, you protect the plates... and let's face it, you have fun.

If you guys die... and the crazy plate lady dies... then do I get the baby?

Who has to die for me to get her?

Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.

Because I managed to survive whatever it is that killed the three of you!

I lie better than that, right?

There's your movie.

Emma is a product of a bottle of merlot and a five-year-old condom.

You said that to me last week.

They said everybody's really pissed off at me. And they all got to meet Santa!

The Statue of Liberty came to life--

My sister's raccoon came-- No, nothing with a raccoon!

How nice. Maybe later we can all go blow our noses on my wedding dress.

If I die... you don't get Joey.

Remember in high school when I died and didn't give you my baby?

What career? I'm a decorator. You decorate Dad's office and now you're a decorator? Okay, I went to the zoo yesterday, now I'm a koala bear.

You didn't come see me in the hospital when I was getting my lips done! I did the first time.

You know what? You wanna know why I am not giving Emily to you? Emma. Whose side are you on?!

Well, how hard could it be? You do it.

Yeah, well, you know what I cannot believe? That my so-called sister... gets a 30 percent discount from Ralph Lauren, and I still have to pay retail? It's 45. You bitch.

Your baby isn't even that cute.

Too far, Amy. Too far.

Hey, man, I work out! So do I. I do Pilates. I do yoga. Bring it on!

Put the plates in the boxes! Put the plates in the boxes! Forget the bubble wrap! There isn't time!

Frizzy, frizzy, frizzy!

Shouldn't we stop this? Are you out of your mind? Let's throw some Jell-O on them!

Hey, someone could get hurt. Kick her, Rach! Kick her! Pull her top off, Rach! Pull her top off!

Those plates may not be as nice as the pretty pink ones that I picked out... but they're important to Monica.

By the way, that fight was totally arousing.

If I die and Rachel dies and Monica dies, you can totally take care of Emma.

Okay. But you should know he eats a lot and shoves pennies up his nose.

It's all right. You can mourn.

Thank you. It was so beautiful!

Actually, not pies. It's just pie. I don't care. Oh, my God, I've lost the will to scold.

You are not gonna regret this.

I am super confident, totally responsible and fourth in line to raise Emma.

Well, what do you know? I guess I'll be the one who dies first.

Thanks for teaching me how to lie. No problem. Next week, stealing.

You told her you broke all the plates? What?! Something happened with the plates? Yeah, this raccoon came in....