The One with Ross's Inappropriate Song

And that's why, no matter what Mommy says... we really were on a break. Yes, we were.

Big baby butt.

I like big butts.

Oh, my God, Emma. You're laughing.

Well, Daddy and Sir Mix-A-Lot.

I'm a terrible father.

It's taped to the back of my toilet tank.

I didn't say that. It's in a bank guarded by robots.

helping to plant the emus

People eat birds. Bird meat. Do they just fly into your mouth? Or you go in a restaurant and say: 'Excuse me, I'll have a bucket of fried bird.'

And you know whose knowledge of her ex-boyfriend is shocking? Monica!

I just hope the club doesn't slip out of my hand... and beat the mustache off his face.

What did we used to talk about? -No idea.

They live on the Upper East Side on Park Avenue. Yeah, she can't be herself.

You can say it nicely.

You went out with Wallace Pinzer? -He took the SATs for me.

I knew you didn't get a 1400!

Ross' mom one time actually said... I am like the daughter that she never had.

She said what? -She's like the daughter she never had.

You what? And I missed it... because I was giving a makeover to that stupid hippie?!

Only not creepy.

You sang to our baby daughter... a song about a guy who likes to have sex... with women with giant asses?

You know what, if you think about it... it actually promotes a healthy body image... because even big butts... or 'juicy doubles' are....

Please don't take her away from me.

So how come Richard's selling the place? Went bankrupt? Medical malpractice? Choked on his own mustache?

That's enough out of you.

No, we're not together. We're definitely not a couple.

Wow, you seemed pretty insulted by that. What, I'm not good enough for you?

When we know all he does is sit around... crying about losing Monica to a real man.

Yeah, I can see it.

Look at these videos. I mean, who does he think he is? Magnum Force, Dirty Harry, Cool Hand Luke.

A tape with a girl's name on it. It's probably a sex tape.

Get there faster!

Wow. You look... like my mom.

Well, so? They gotta die someday. Hello!

Holy crap!

What are you doing? -Trying to get your parents to like me.

Well, all right. Originally, I'm from upstate... but then my mom killed herself, and my stepdad went to prison. So I moved to the city, where I lived in a burned-out Buick LeSabre for a while.

Which was okay. That was okay. Until I got hepatitis, you know... because this pimp spit in my mouth and....

which isn't always steady money, but at least I don't pay taxes.

So where does everyone summer?

Don't judge me! I'm only human!

I don't know. Who am I married to? -Some girl. -She hot? -How did she get me to settle down?

In my experience, if a girl says yes to being taped... she doesn't say no to much else, I'll tell you.

This is the first time I've ever enjoyed football! I think it may be customary to get a beer.

So, Theodore, I can see where Mike gets his good looks from.

Yeah, I bet. Look out!

How could you know? Why wouldn't you punch me in the stomach?

But, I mean, you have met humans before, right?

You know, I think you'd also like to know that he is a very gentle lover.

No, don't get me wrong. No, not in like a sissy way. When he gets going... he can rattle a headboard like a sailor on leave.

That's...my boy.

You really do like big butts, don't you? You beautiful little weirdo.

Nothing else worked! That girl is all about the ass!

I realize you hadn't asked to hear it... but no one had spoken in 17 minutes.

'Pervert Parade'? -'Ode to a Pubic Hair'?

No, that's okay. That's okay. I mean, I am a vegetarian... except for veal. Yeah. No. Veal I love.

Any baby animals. Kittens, fish babies. But, you know, especially veal.

Listen to the judgment from the porn star!

It'd just be another saucy anecdote... for him to share at his men's club over brandy and mustaches.

I can grow a mustache.

But I just keep picturing you rolling around with him, with your... cowboy boots in the air.

Ride 'em, cowgirl!

That bastard taped over me!

Spring for a new blank tape, doctor!

She actually makes me miss that pill-popping ex-wife of his.

You can have all the sailor fun you want with that one.

Michael, a pimp spit in her mouth.

Who are, by the way, the most sinfully boring people I've ever met in my life.

Thirteen bathrooms in this place, I threw up in the coat closet.