Two Chainz

Abbi · Bevers:What the fuck, Bevers? / I'm sorry.

Abbi · Hostess:The hostess calls 'Abbo' twice while Abbi stands right there correcting her: 'Do you mean Abbi?'

Abbi · Hostess:Hostess: 'We can't seat you unless you're all together. Unless you're here just by yourself.' Then gives Abbi a pitying 'Aww.'

Ilana:Ilana explains she was late because she read a depressing article about Saudi women's oppression and 'had to blow off some steam and masturbate first.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'You just would not have wanted to see me if I hadn't masturbated.' Both women react with 'Oh... no!' while looking at something in the street

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi drops her keys down a sewer grate — 'There's no way you're gonna reach the bottom'

Abbi · Ilana:Women passionately discuss the injustice of Saudi women needing written permission from 'keepers' to leave the house — then immediately discover the bottomless mimosas are off the menu and react with equal or greater outrage

Ilana:Ilana: 'New York is Europe. I love it.' While they receive free sparkling water

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi does impressions at Ilana's request — German, Australian, Spanish — then Ilana asks for Chinese and Abbi refuses: 'It's 2016, dude.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana refers to Abbi's college roommate as 'Smelly pussy Donna' — and Abbi's response: 'No, and I'm still sorry that I told you that.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana calls Time Out New York 'TONY' and Abbi has to explain what TONY stands for — Ilana: 'Love it.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana describes Abbi as 'sexy and vivacious and artsy and like, young wife material, but, like, taut, and teasy still. It's a perfect combo.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'It's okay. It's, like, urban. Like Urban Outfitters.' Ilana: 'Got it.'

Ilana:Ilana's toast: 'To my frond... To the ond.' (attempting 'friend' and 'the end')

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana produces a piece of gum to fish the dropped key from the sewer grate; Abbi is disgusted: 'Gum is so repulsive. It is cow cud.'

Abbi · Ilana:A train passes while they're fishing in the grate, knocking them both over

Ilana:Ilana: 'Well, now you have an excuse to buy something. Honestly, that's the best way to shop, desperate and in a time crunch.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Having this 12-pound chain around my waist for a few hours is nothing compared to the metaphysical chains of those Saudi women and their keepers.'

Abbi · Host:The host catches Abbi lying about being a customer: 'You just said it was in an hour.' Abbi: 'Caught you, pretty girl.'

Abbi · Ilana · Hostess:The bathroom standoff — 'If you came here two months ago, that just makes you entitled to piss here whenever you'd like?'

Abbi:Abbi: 'We will never be patrons at this place ever again. Unless we're planning a birthday, because the garden is perfect for large parties.'

Host:The host calls after them: 'Have a great day, Abbo.'

Pop-up Employee:Pop-up store employee: 'We don't have bathrooms. We don't even have dressing rooms. This is a pop-up, bitch!'

Ilana · Man:Man at pop-up: 'I have a girlfriend.' Ilana: 'Yeah, well, so do I. She's right here, with the ugly hat on.'

Ilana:Ilana describes the child labor that likely went into making the 90%-off shirt — 'little fingers perfect for sewing, but also perfect for getting stuck in that sewing machine' — then concludes: 'It's 90% off. You know, if you don't buy it, what was all of that for?'

Abbi · Woman:Woman at the pop-up: 'That's my old shirt.' Abbi: 'Yeah, sure it is, bitch.' Then immediately: 'I don't like the energy here.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Why does this fuck always happen to me? It's like... I don't know. My therapist doesn't know either.'

Random Man at pop-up:Man: 'Someone was just telling me about this crazy article — by someone, I mean the Internet.'

Abbi:Abbi nearly gets hit by something outside: 'What the fuck?' Then: 'My therapist is gonna love this one.'

Ilana:Ilana squats behind a parked car or barrier to pee in public; a passerby watches and Ilana instructs them: 'Squats... Um, unlock the hips.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'God, cops scare the fuck out of me, and I'm white.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln calls — Ilana takes the call and asks him to 'say something filthy' before answering his actual question about whether she forgot his graduation

Ilana:Ilana: 'Ilana, did you forget my graduation is today?' / 'No. Na... We're close, on our... very way.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Yeah, uh, pretty good. Also, they think I stole this, the cops are coming.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi try to board CitiBikes while Ilana still has the chain around her waist; elaborate, stuttering boarding sequence: 'A few steps, and then we start a pedal. One second. Few steps, and then we start a'pedaling. Dassit.'

Abbi · Ilana · Driver:Immediately after mounting the bikes with great ceremony, someone yells 'Fuck you!' at them from a car

Abbi:A YouTube video tutorial for removing a security tag lists: 'First, tape the back of the tag... Next, you're gonna want a hacksaw. A hammer. A vice. Some heavy duty pliers.' The character: 'Well, I don't have a vice. I don't have any of that stuff.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln's acrobatics at his graduation are revealed — apparently swinging/performing at graduation — Ilana screams: 'Circus, babe! Just be careful, though!'

Lincoln:Lincoln explains he did his stunt 'because I saw it on an episode of Sex & the City. The Miranda in me thought, I'm out of my comfort zone, but the Carrie in me couldn't resist.'

Ilana · Lincoln's Friend:Ilana: 'I'm really a Miranda-Carrie, too, I think.' Lincoln's friend: 'Who am I?' / Ilana: 'Honey, I have a cyst on my uterus and I need to get fucked until it pops.' Friend: 'Samantha Jones.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln looks at the chain around Ilana's waist: 'What's up with that chain?' / Ilana: 'I lost the key.' / Lincoln: 'Ilana! Phone, keys, wallet. P-K-W.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana: 'I know. I repeat it all the time. I just dropped it in a sewer, okay?' / Lincoln: 'A sewer.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln: 'You also look like a DMX video extra, I might add.' / Ilana: 'Thank you.'

Lincoln:Lincoln: 'Well, me and the other swingers...' then pauses. '...Get it? Swingers?' / 'Yeah, we got it.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Lincoln offers to bail on his dinner plans to help with the chain. Ilana: 'You know, as a woman, I feel it's important to cast this chain off myself.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Do you know Steve Jobs stunk and cried all the time?' / Ilana: 'I did not.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana sees a 'Men Working' construction sign and says 'Ugh, men working. A woman-free zone. Just another sign, literally, of women's oppression.' — until Abbi points out she's actually talking about the port-a-potty

Ilana:The port-a-potty is lifted by a truck while Ilana is inside it. Ilana: 'I am in the potty! There's someone in the potty!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'This is how I die. This is it. It's coming down!'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's chain gets caught as the port-a-potty is lowered, and she's dragged away on the back of the truck — Abbi realizes and runs after it: 'Ilana! Abbi! I mean, Ilana!'

Abbi:Abbi runs after the truck and tells the driver: 'My friend is stuck on the back of your truck. Also, what, are you watching porn while you drive?'

Abbi · Driver:Driver: 'You're the one wearing the stolen shirt.' Abbi: 'Okay, it's not stolen.' / Driver: 'I'm letting her out. Why don't you just finish? If you can.'

Ilana:Ilana, hanging off the back of a truck, calls to a passerby: 'Nice ass!' Passerby: 'Yeah, I know!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi helps Ilana off the truck; Ilana: 'Let's get married.' Abbi: 'What?' Ilana: 'What? No, you said something.' Abbi: 'No.' Ilana: 'Okay.'

Ilana:Abbi reaches Ilana on the truck and helps her down; Ilana says: 'Let's get married.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi discovers Ilana has urinated on herself while being dragged. Ilana: 'I did.' / Abbi: 'Okay... It's okay. It'll dry. It's sterile.'

Abbi:'Oh, Bike-el Jackson. No one took you.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Who cares about a stupid little tag? Artists aren't judged by what they wear. Look at Joss Stone. She's a genius and she's never even worn shoes.'

Ilana:Ilana at the gallery: 'Damn. I could have done that.' (re: the art) / 'Chain belt. V. bold. Enchanté.'

Max Anne · Ilana:Max Anne: 'I recognize you from Abbi's Instagram.' / Ilana: 'That means so much to me, thank you.'

Max Anne:Max Anne about Abbi's 'line landscapes': 'They're so surreal, but at the same time, they were so real. And at the same time, they were so surreal. But at the same time, they were just so real.'

Max Anne · Abbi · Ilana:Donna reveal: Donna was Max Anne's other roommate who stole all her clothes — including 'the sweater my grandmother made me.' / Abbi: 'Shut up.' / Max Anne: 'I mean, who steals clothes? Honestly? Trashy.' / Abbi: '...Trashy... Person.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'We gotta get this thing off me. She's gonna think I stole all her fucking clothes.' / 'My therapist is gonna have a field day.'

Ilana:Ilana attempts to bite the security tag off: 'You know what... My teeth. My teeth are huge, come on. Huge and sharp.'

Max Anne · Abbi · Ilana:Max Anne walks in on Ilana apparently biting Abbi's shirt while Abbi is wearing it — screams 'No!' and interprets it as Abbi stealing her clothes

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana are being literally chased out of the gallery; Ilana gets stuck on 'the balls' (presumably a sculpture or installation) and Abbi: 'Ilana... Get off the balls.'

Ilana · Abbi:'It is a magnet. Help me now.' / 'Use your upper body strength.'

Max Anne · Gallery Curator:Gallery curator: 'Go!' / Max Anne: 'You're a bitch! Congrats.'

Max Anne:Max Anne's final send-off: 'Go! You're a bitch! Congrats.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'It's hard for me not to feel sexual at all.' (while Abbi attempts to remove the chain from her waist)

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Ilana, can you just, like, suck your titties in a little bit?' / Ilana: 'If I had control over my titties like that, I'd make them the same size.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's attempt to remove the chain becomes increasingly strenuous — 'Come on, gravity, you fucking bitch!' — with dialogue ('Oh, my God! / God! / Jesus, Ab! / I'm trying... My hand's in. / Oh, it's happening. / Yes! / God! / Jesus!') escalating to apparent climax as the chain is removed

Ilana · Abbi:After the chain comes off with great effort and noise, Ilana: 'Tell me that isn't sexual.' / Abbi: 'You're bleeding, dude.'