Co Op

Ilana:Oh, I guarantee I can identify my own butthole in a line up. 100%.

Ilana:Each one has a soul, an ass soul.

Street Harasser:Hey, mamis, where you going? A bra store? I bet you got those big boobies to feed all your babies.

Abbi · Ilana:You can't talk to us like that. Yeah, we're your elders.

Abbi:How did he know we were going to the bra store?

Ilana:The only way that you're gonna get to touch these boobs is if they graze the top of your head as I'm slam dunking your skinny ass!

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana actually play basketball against the harasser — and apparently win, scoring on him

Ilana:Tell your mom you got schooled by two women.

Street Harasser:And reminder, I'll be by later to (bleep) the shit out of her. [referring to the harasser's mom, post-defeat]

Co-op Announcer:This month's churron flavor is anise, but there is a limit to three churrons per customer, so please maintain decorum.

Abbi · Ilana:You know, I'm not even a huge macaroon girl, and churros are just, like, you know, hit or miss for me, but the combination of... / Too early.

Ilana:Just throw 'em on my tab. I'm gonna knock 'em all out at once.

Cashier:Today's actually the last possible day you can complete your shifts for this moon cycle.

Co-op Manager Lori:There's something more important in Long Island than organic produce?

Lori:Well, either you complete your shifts today or you're banished from the co-op for the rest of your body's life.

Ilana:Ugh, love your leggings. And your legs. And your butt.

Ilana:Ugh, love your leggings — [gives away her churron to the woman]

Ilana:Your meals have given me like the healthiest shits of my life. It's like, dump out, flawless, dump out, flawless.

Ilana · Abbi:Oh, wowee, yeah, whoa, whoa... / Dude, I just said you're going to the doctor. / No, I can't think about it. Lifestyle.

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, yes, Gaga. / Yes.

Ilana:But here da damn 'tang. — Not for me. As me.

Abbi:You know what, I would love to live a day in your shoes. That sounds really fun and very easy.

Ilana · Abbi:Not literally in my shoes, 'cause I'm a size five and... / Yeah, I understand. / Okay. I'm gonna just end it there. / Squished 11!

Ilana · Others at doctor's office waiting room:Yas, queen! / Yas, queen! / Again! Yas, queen! / I smell a duke! / Smell... smell a duke! / Nice pussy boot! / Nice pussy boot! / (high pitch) I love you, Abbi!

Ilana:Aww, what up, my babies! (lisping) Mami Lani in the hizzy-lee! / Rape culture sucks! Recognize!

Lincoln · Ilana:My Lincoln Towncar. / But this is a... A Prius, right? / Yeah, but I call it that because my name is Lincoln. And I'm gonna drive around town in my car. / (forcefully laughing)

Ilana:Ilana visibly laughing too hard at Lincoln's car pun — 'forcefully laughing'

Lincoln:I brought you some comfort food. Turkey jerky. Organic fruit leather and some Tuscan nut mix.

Lincoln · Ilana:That's why I had Jaimé make you a... ginger blunt man! / Oh, my God! With real honey!

Kristy · Abbi-as-Ilana:Okay, Ilana Wexler? / Uh... kyuh.

Kristy:Somebody groomed their dreadlocks in the bathroom. You can get started by cleaning those hair stumps.

Abbi-as-Ilana · Kristy:You know what, Martha? / It's Kristy. / Exactly. / I feel like you really get me. And you know why? Because you're a 'kween'. And you know who else is a kween? She's a kween.

Abbi-as-Ilana:We queens, we cannot be in the back of the bus, cleaning up white dude's dreadlocks. 'Ja-feel'?

Abbi-as-Ilana · Craig:Craig enters to the strains of '♪ Only you / Could treat me like you do ♪' — Abbi visibly reacts with 'Wow. / I mean... kyuh.'

Abbi (as Ilana) · Craig:Craig appears — visual of an extremely attractive man — Abbi/Ilana reacts: 'Wow. I mean... kyuh.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Since when do you bite your nails? / I didn't even notice. I do it when I'm nervous. / You can't be nervous, you're my rock today.

Ilana · Lincoln:I need to be swaddled! / Come on, if you're not gonna swaddle me, at least let me drive and give me road head. / Well, do you want to die and how does that even work?

Ilana · Lincoln:Road hand, whatever. / Just quit the pillow talk and get me off! / I'm driving!

Ilana:We are on the fast track to, like, caramel and queerdom. / Huh? / Sexuality is on a spectrum. It's like, we are just dancers in the dark, we're just shards.

Abbi-as-Ilana · Craig:'Shweet' ink. 'Shweet' ink, brah! / Sweet tat. / Thanks, it's inspired by a Bukowski poem. / I actually drew it. / You drew this? / Yeah. / I'm an artist. / I mean, not that I pay the bills with it.

Abbi-as-Ilana:Me... me friend is an artist that does not pay the bills with it, either. / So I get that. Uh, her name is Abbi.

Abbi-as-Ilana:She has this new series called 'Where Are They Now?' And it's, like, popular toys and stuff from the '90s doing, like, office jobs. They're hilarious. I love it.

Abbi-as-Ilana:Abbi's kind of like this undiscovered genius with an ass of an angel.

Abbi-as-Ilana · Kristy:(chuckling) Martha! / It's Kristy. And that wasn't funny.

Ilana:Smelling Abbi. [Ilana smelling Lincoln's shirt/something of Abbi's for comfort in the waiting room]

Nurse/Doctor · Ilana:You have to have all three shots for the HPV vaccine to even work. / I love my HPV.

Nurse · Ilana:I heard your parents are getting a divorce. / What?! Oh, (bleep)! / That's what I say to distract all the kids... / (bleep) shit! / When they're getting their shot. / That's what they say back to me.

Nurse · Ilana:Can you turn over, please? / [Ilana looks horrified] / I'm just kidding. / So gullible.

Nurse:Oh, one more thing. Please thank your mom for that Coach bag she got me. I cannot tell you how many compliments I get on it. She really knows how to pick 'em. Doesn't it look so real?

Ilana · Nurse:Ilana's horrified reaction — 'You're kidding.' — Nurse: 'Mm-hmm.'

Ilana · Nurse:You're kidding. / Mm-hmm.

Abbi-as-Ilana:And a'nudder tang... / Abbi's just incredibly bold and dynamic. One summer, she traveled across the country following Phish, selling mushroom chocolates.

Craig · Abbi-as-Ilana:No way, I was a Phish head. / Me too. / Me too. / Set the gear shift to the high gear of your soul. Run like an antelope outta control.

Lincoln · Ilana:You still seem stressed. You want to blow off some steam? / You know, I'm technically Abbi today, so if we hook up, it's... kind of a threesome.

Lincoln:I've been working up the courage to tell you something all day. / This is hard. / I hooked up with someone else.

Ilana · Lincoln:So you're telling me she jerked you off for eight minutes with what kind of oil? / Almond.

Ilana · Lincoln:Then you had sex doggy style, and who finished first? / I don't... / Tell me! / She did? / Oh!

Ilana · Lincoln:And then you spooned watching YouTube videos of news anchor fails. / Who was which spoon? / I was the little spoon!

Ilana:That is so (bleep) hot!

Ilana:♪ Huc-a-dangle, woo-hoo! ♪ [Ilana sings to herself in satisfaction]

Ilana · Lincoln:Thank you so much for telling me that, woo! We are a modern day Will and Jada. We are open sex friends. We are poly, we are bi. / I'm not bi.

Ilana:You're right, how do I know if I haven't truly tested my boundaries?

Ilana · Lincoln · Ilana:What if we tricked her into having a threesome? / People really shouldn't trick other people into having sex. / Whoa. / I've heard so many women say that, but when you say it, I really hear it.

Lincoln · Ilana:All right, penis kiss. / (car horn honking) (kissing sounds)

Abbi · Someone:So, wait. All porn is kiddie porn? / Basically, all entertainment is porn. It's like, everywhere.

Ilana:Lincoln hooked up with another girl. She started by jerking him off with almond oil. She went slow but really tight squeeze...

Abbi-as-Ilana · Abbi · Craig:Ab, this is Craig. / A guy. [beat as Craig registers being introduced as just 'a guy']

Abbi:Hi, I'm Abbi. / I love pugs. / My family comes from a long line of colonial Jews.

Craig · Abbi:On the count of three, your favorite Phish album. One, two, three. 'Rift'! / [pause] / Sorry.

Abbi:Hello? / It's my doctor with the X-rays. / What?! / No, I don't need a labia reduction, I was just asking about it. And I'm gonna make a call to the Better Business Bureau.

Craig:[Craig scoffs] / Listen, on paper, Abbi seems perfect. But she's just not my type physically. I like a girl with a butt.

Abbi-as-Ilana:Me! Me, I have... butt.

Abbi:I've been pretending to be Ilana. I'm really Abbi. Hi. / Wait, what? / All that stuff I said about Abbi, that's me. I'm her. Abbi. I'm an artist, okay? I love Phish. I wear full-length shirts. This isn't me. This is me.

Craig · Abbi:You impersonated someone to cover a shift at the co-op? / Technically, that is... how I would explain it.

Craig · Abbi:The Abbi I've been hearing about all day would never do something like this. / She would, 'cause I did, for my best friend.

Craig:In the words of Phish, 'Deduct the carrots from your pay, you worthless, swampy fool.'

Abbi · Craig:'Cavern.' I love that song. / Every 46 minutes of it.

Abbi · Craig:How slick was that labia mention, right? / Yeah. How slick.

Lori:You signed a billion-year contract specifically prohibiting the sharing of shifts.

Abbi · Lori:Guess I didn't read the fine print. / There it is, okay.

Ilana · Lori:Guess I didn't read the fine print. — There it is, okay.

Abbi · Lori:I'm sorry, but are you... breastfeeding? / The power of co-op produce has made me fertile into my 50s and beyond.

Lori · Abbi · Lori:Don't try and butter me up, I'm a vegan. / No butter. / I just got it.

Lori:You two are SPs. Shitty peoples.

Lori:I see you with your iced coffees and your food to go. You are garbage island.

Lori:We also have connections with security at Whole Foods. / (both gasp) / That's right, you two are going to be eating vending machine food and bodega veggies for the rest of your very short lives.