Rat Pack

Abbi:Abbi wakes to a rat in her apartment and screams 'Rat Bastard!'

Abbi:Abbi screams at the rat: 'Get out of here! You're ruining my life!'

Abbi:Abbi says 'This is some of my best sandwich work to date' while the rat chaos is ongoing.

Ilana:Ilana says 'Rata hijueputa' (Colombian Spanish: 'rat son of a bitch') then immediately adds 'Kinda sexy.'

Ilana:Ilana yells 'Weed thief!' at the rat (implied the rat ate/stole her weed).

Abbi · Exterminator:Exterminator says rat is 'gone to a better place.' Abbi: 'Oh, you mean, like the heaven.' Exterminator: 'Oh, no. His dead carcass is probably rotting in the ceiling.'

Abbi · Ilana · Exterminator:Exterminator says '$400.' Abbi and Ilana react with shock, then man says 'I'm gonna have to sell my sperm again.'

Abbi · Ilana:Gift basket labeled 'Larry and David' arrives — the name clearly evoking Larry David of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana asks Abbi about her nice dress: 'Hot date later? Is he black?'

Ilana:Ilana introduces 'kom-booze-cha' — her word for alcoholic kombucha — then immediately says 'Don't steal that, though. I came up with it.'

Ilana:Ilana excitedly catalogs the gift basket: 'Olive oil? Sea salt crackers? Baklava?! This is the most beautiful basket I've ever seen, and I grew up on Long Island. They had shivas for days, literally.'

Ilana:Ilana concludes the basket is from her parents who haven't spoken to her since she came out, calling the olive oil 'an olive branch, literally' then adds 'Dur, there's olive tapenade in here. I mean, double dur.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Larry and David? That's two men, right?' — beginning to misread the gift basket as being from a gay couple, not her parents.

Abbi · Ilana:'Sometimes we are so smart, Ilana, I am scared of what we are truly capable of.' — Abbi, after their obvious party idea.

Ilana:Phone call: Ilana describes the gift basket as 'insahn' — her idiosyncratic pronunciation/intensifier for 'insane.'

Abbi:Abbi on the phone: 'Bring friends... I, I don't have any, but you guys. That's cool.'

Party Guest:'Caught Abbi red 'anded, creepin' on da Soulstice floor.' — A partygoer catching Abbi drinking alone in a closet.

Abbi:Abbi explains she was drinking alone in a closet because it was her 'third and fourth bottle' and she didn't want anyone to see her 'consuming so many empty calories.'

Abbi · Party Guest:Man says 'It's kind of spunky, right?' Abbi says 'That's what she said.' He says 'Come on, that was genuinely organic.' — A meta-commentary on 'That's what she said' jokes.

Party Guest:The closet-drinking man tries stand-up on Abbi: 'So I go into like a Starbucks... And the person's like, "What's your name?" And I'm like, "Mrs. Starbucks."'

Stand-up comedian at party:The Starbucks 'Mrs. Starbucks' story — the stand-up bit at the party

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana answers phone mid-scene: 'Can you steal tampons, too?' and her friend starts bleeding — Ilana's immediate response is 'Dur, that's why I need the tampons.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'I can't believe that diseased little rat chewed through my favorite period panties.' Ilana: 'Panty-eating rat perv.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi asks Ilana if she can be her 'Head Chef' for the party — delivered as if asking to be best man at a wedding.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi quotes 'With great power comes great responsibility' and attributes it to Teddy Roosevelt. Ilana corrects: 'Spider-Man.' Abbi: 'Even better.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I don't know! It was like I hated a part of myself. Now I only hate my cankles.'

Ilana · Abbi:After Ilana says she needs to make out with someone, Abbi offers herself, then Ilana specifies 'someone who's attracted to women.' Then: 'Abbi, just so you know, every guy here's gonna be, like, a four-plus on the Kinsey scale.' / 'Gay.' / 'I know, that's why this gal joined Tinder.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'You must be très horny.' Abbi: 'I'm not Trey anything, Ilana... what?' Ilana: 'Okay, I won't show off my French, Abbi.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana mentions she gave Tinder dates this address 'so if they come back to chop you up, you're not even here.' Abbi: 'Yeah... Wait, what?'

Ilana:Ilana accidentally compliments a partygoer's 'money' instead of 'outfit': 'Love your money... outfit.'

Abbi:Abbi is getting Tinder matches at the door: 'Tinder is so fucking easy, dude.' / 'I am rich in men. And those men are gonna make me rich... in money.' Then she sings '♪ I rich ♪'

Abbi:'I am rich in men. And those men are gonna make me rich... in money.' followed by Abbi singing '♪ I rich, I rich ♪'

Ilana:Rat sighting mid-party: 'Rat Bastard!'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana tells Lincoln they need to distract guests from the rat: 'I need you to create a dish so good, so élégante, that the party is distracted and I can catch this fat-ass rat-ass myself.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln: 'This restaurant would definitely rate a "C" on the New York Sanitation Department scale.' Then upgrades to 'Actually, it would be a grade "D" 'cause of that moth larvae all over the ceiling.' Ilana: 'Yeah, I can't find the source.'

Ilana · Tadd:Tadd 26 arrives. Ilana: 'This is a really good photo of you.' Beat. 'It's almost too good, though.'

Party Guest:Party guest announces: 'Oh, my God, rat! Pack!' Then explains the rat had 'Fred Sinatra' in its crew and 'they would sing a cappella and watch each other fuck.'

Lincoln:Lincoln, clearly high, says 'If I ever get my own food truck, I'm gonna call it "Lincoln's Center."' and acts like it just came to him.

Lincoln:Lincoln checking his phone: 'What... No one. What? What? I didn't get a text from anybody.'

Jaimé · Steven:Jaimé reveals he's been holding something back 'for a very long time' then delivers: 'Your mustache is terrible. It makes you look like you... like touch the little children.'

Jaimé:After the mustache speech, Jaimé says 'That felt good.' — a small beat of catharsis.

Abbi · Party Guest:Costume change mid-episode: 'Whoa, costume change?' — 'Yeah, I'm quirky.'

Ilana · Abbi · Tinder Date:A Tinder date turns out to be much older than his profile photo. Ilana: 'You thought a young Denzel Washington was gonna show up for your Tinder date?'

Ilana:'You thought a young Denzel Washington was gonna show up for your Tinder date?'

Abbi:Abbi doesn't know you can swipe left on Tinder: 'Wait, what do you mean swipe left?' — implying she has been meeting up with every single match.

Ilana:Ilana needs a cat to catch the rat and has 'borrowed' the bodega cat: 'Jellicle Cat, I need you to find and kill this ballsack, Rat Bastard.'

Ilana:On the borrowed cat's gender: 'Or her. Hm, what you? Well, I kinda hope it's a guy because there's literally zero good guys here.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I need to meet, like, real men in real life that I don't work with.' Abbi corrects herself: 'That I don't, like, work it with.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Come on, Jellicle Cat, scheme, make some fucking trouble. Like, Tom and Jerry.' Then immediately: 'Oh, my God, the media, reducing even cats to a stereotype. See, I have to remember, I am the problem.'

Lincoln:'I am crushin' it right now. I'm definitely gonna be the Chop'd Champion tonight.'

Lincoln:Lincoln after the rat runs over his foot: 'You know the band Ratatat? Let's listen to thatatat, mm-hmm.'

Delivery Man:Delivery man arrives: he dropped the basket at the wrong address because 'I keep messing up because I have dyslexia. Please, this is an SOS.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana stall the delivery man: 'We really wanna get in there, but we used our willpower.' — Ilana chimes in: 'No, no, we just made out.'

Delivery Man:Delivery man notices the basket is now in a shower curtain: 'Is that a shower curtain?'

Steven · Jaimé:Steven reveals he shaved with 'the pubey girl razor from the bathroom' — Jaimé's reaction: 'You look incredible.' / 'I was completely right. And the whole pedophile mustache was so distracting.'

Party Guests · Jaimé · Steven:Others react to Steven and Jaimé's near-romance with 'Ew, dude!' — someone yells 'Homophobe!' and 'You hate the gays, man?' — But the reaction is actually to a mess, not the gay moment.

Abbi · Delivery Man:Abbi asks the UPS/delivery man a personal question: 'You ever taken a sharp turn in one of those trucks without the doors on it, and then, you just fall out?' He says: 'All the time.' She immediately: 'Quick follow-up. Do you wanna make out right now?' — 'Yeah.'

Lincoln · Unknown character:'Everybody love cheese balls.' / 'I know, they're, like, too good.' / 'This is actual food.'

Lincoln:Lincoln, high, tastes his food: 'Motherfuck, that's good.' / 'I am crushin' it right now.' / 'I'm definitely gonna be the Chop'd Champion tonight.'

Ilana · Abbi:The Larry and David misunderstanding resolves: Ilana assumed the basket was from a gay couple. Corrected: 'Larry and David are brothers.' Ilana: 'Ew.'

Ilana:Ilana chases the rat to the bathroom — it turns out to be a mother rat with babies. Ilana: 'She's a single gal just looking to raise her kids in a safe home. She's me!'

Ilana · Abbi:'That's what she said.' / 'That's something Trey would say.' / 'Oh my God, totally.'

Ilana · Delivery Man:Ilana sends the delivery man away with instructions to claim the basket was stolen: 'It's been fun. We're a great team.' He agrees enthusiastically.

Ilana:'May God, She bless us. Every one.'

Jaimé · Lincoln:Jaimé, on new honesty path, tells Lincoln: 'I would kind of like to use our oven for cooking. Will you take your clothes out, please?'

Jaimé · Ilana:Jaimé: 'Ilana, I don't want to do your bacne anymore.' Ilana: 'What?' / Jaimé: 'I'm sorry, it's just not my thing. You should see a dermatologist.' Ilana: 'Would you mind just doing one last one, the middle... massive middle back.'

Jaimé · Ilana:Jaimé's cultural appropriation speech: 'There is something you do that I see a lot of white people do... you know those earrings that say "Latina"? They look beautiful on you. But you not Latina anymore.'

Jaimé:Jaimé explains cultural appropriation and concludes: 'it's almost like you are the colonists.'

Jaimé · Lincoln:Jaimé: 'Also, mi amor, can you please get off Grindr? You have a Grindr profile and it's kind of our thing, you know?' Lincoln: 'I just wanna see penises within a mile of me.' Jaimé: 'I'm so sorry, I've gone too far. You can see all the penises you want. Teach me.'

Lincoln · Jaimé:Final beat: 'All the penises you want.' / 'Teach me.' / 'All the penises you want.' / 'Teach me.' / 'Penis.'