Wisdom Teeth

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana interrupts the nude modeling session to chat with Abbi, and Abbi reacts with delighted shock: 'Oh, my God, I'm a model?'

Abbi · Instructor:Instructor calls Abbi 'Ali' and Abbi corrects her — 'It's Abbi, remember, we talked about that' — even mid-cover-up.

Ilana · Instructor:When the instructor asks if there's a problem, Ilana says they're 'strategizing like the shading... of the boobs.'

Abbi · Co-worker:Abbi's co-worker says wisdom tooth removal photos gave her 'huge chipmunk cheeks' at prom, then Abbi says 'That's so cute' — then immediately suggests the surgery will 'make more room in my mouth, right?'

Abbi:Abbi immediately backtracks: 'No, I didn't mean, um, blow jobs.' Then doubles down: 'Although, if that is true, that it would make more room in my mouth. I didn't do them. I enjoy it both ways.'

Abbi:In fact, I'm getting a call, it's ringing. Busy day. Hello? One sec, Jeremy... just give me one... Yup? Well, my laundry is in the bag!

Abbi:Abbi, trying to escape the conversation, pretends to answer a call from 'Jeremy' about a laundry dispute, then her fake angry phone performance escalates into: 'So you better lawyer up, 'cause I'm gonna... kill myself right now.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana arrives at the dentist, cradles Abbi like a baby, calls herself 'Mommy Lani,' and hands Abbi a stuffed animal called 'Bingo Bronson that Mommy Lani got you.'

Ilana:Ilana asks the dentist: 'Mayonnaise clinic claims that facial paralysis can be a thing? Care to comment?' while gripping his head.

Dentist:The Black dentist tells himself: 'If I mess up this white girl's teeth, the black dentistry game is over... forever. I'm gonna get these teeth. For my people.'

Abbi:Abbi, about to go under anesthesia, says 'Wow. I don't do anything for my people.'

Ilana:Ilana narrates Abbi going under like a tearful goodbye: 'Bye, Abbi, I'll see you when you wake up. And if you don't wake up, I'll still see you... 'cause I'm gonna kill myself and meet you in heaven or whatever.'

Ilana:Ilana, told to calm down in the waiting room, announces: 'I am Abbi's keeper today. I am her mother, sister, father, brother.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln, watching TV in the waiting room, objects that the one Black character was killed off. Ilana responds 'I don't think these drugs are working, you guys.'

Ilana:Post-surgery, Ilana tells groggy Abbi: 'It was a huge success, but I had to remove all of your teeth. But don't worry, there's a huge internet community of dudes that like women that are super gum-heavy. It's a huge fetish.'

Lincoln · Ilana:Lincoln breaks the fourth wall on Ilana's gum-fetish lie: 'No, you were here the entire time, you saw... everything.' Followed by Ilana doing a baby voice: 'I am just gwad my wittle baby's awive.'

Ilana:Ilana riffs conspiratorially on the Vicodin prescription: 'Western medicine does stick to a pretty strict schedule. The sooner you take more pills, the sooner you buy more pills, right? Chomp, chomp, chomp, swallow, swallow, swallow. Government-regulated, Doctor Drew all-you-can-eat buffet!'

Lincoln:Lincoln, after his pharma rant: 'Uh, but, really, I can handle it.' — delivered in a completely changed, sheepish register.

Abbi:Abbi, post-surgery with gauze in her mouth, attempts a Drew Barrymore impression for Ilana.

Abbi:Abbi's Drew Barrymore impression: 'I love Jimmy Fallon. Um, I have my own makeup line... My production company, Flower Films, was founded in 1999 with the popular film, Whip It.'

Ilana:Ilana, discussing Jeremy's thumbs-up text: 'He jerks off to you all the time, I sense those things. I know sexual tension when I feel it.'

Ilana · Jaimé:Ilana briefs Jaimé: 'Abbi is weak right now, like a baby, like an infant.' Then: 'Baby, I will like anticipate your every single need.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana feeds Abbi a Vicodin pill with the airplane-into-hangar bit: 'Okay, Abbi, this little airplane is going to come into the hangar. Yes... okay, now close the hangar.'

Ilana:Ilana, having just given Abbi her pills, immediately asks: 'Wow, it's been four hours already?' — having lost track of time after approximately zero minutes.

Ilana:Ilana declares the two most important things for dental surgery recovery are: 'Give her Froyo and braid her hair.'

Ilana · Jaimé:Ilana sends Jaimé to get Abbi's Froyo: 'I need you to go to 42 Squirts and get me a real Abbi flavor. You'll know when you see it.'

Ilana:Ilana announces: 'Are you ready to get on the party train? First stop — braid the fuck out of them silky-ass doll locks.'

Abbi:Abbi, being braided, says 'Ow. I'm gonna get some scrunchies.' — then exits, apparently wandering off in a drug haze.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana plays 'Would You Rather' with drugged Abbi: 'Would you rather lick a dead man's penis, or have sex with the same person for the rest of your life?' Abbi: 'Penis.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Would you rather eat ice cream for five hours straight, or shoot somebody in the knee?' Abbi: 'Knee.'

Ilana:Ilana describes firecrackers: 'It was what we were on that time that dude jerked off on your pocketbook in Bryant Park. He was cool.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana is telling Abbi not to message Jeremy — then we cut to Ilana apparently encouraging Abbi to leave Jeremy a love voicemail.

Abbi:Abbi, fully drugged, picks up her own phone and starts leaving Jeremy a voicemail declaring her feelings: 'You know what, Jeremy? I will say it again. I like you. I want us to go out and...'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Yeah, but not while you're jacked-up on Uncle Sam pills.' Then: 'And don't you worry about leaving that message for Jeremy. You are gonna forget that in seven minutes.'

Jaimé:Jaimé's internal monologue while selecting Froyo toppings: extended deliberation over Cap'n Crunch ('too chemically'), dark chocolate chip ('too crunchy for Abbi right now'), gummy candies ('these do not go with the Froyo'), and GORP ('Good ol' raisins and peanuts — why would we want all raisins and peanuts?').

Jaimé:Jaimé, alone in the Froyo shop, spontaneously begins singing an original song: '♪ Abbi dabbi dab my beautiful queen she's my beautiful queen she's... ♪'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana has put Abbi in a meditation pose with candles as 'How To With Dr. Whiz' while Abbi is post-surgery and Lincoln's reaction is: 'I would think that you could surmise from my initial reaction that she doesn't [look gorgeous].'

Lincoln:I would think that you could surmise from my initial reaction that she doesn't.

Ilana:Ilana tells Lincoln he's being loud when he's the concerned, normal one: 'Okay, jeez, you're the one who's being loud.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana propositions Lincoln: 'You wanna show me your old LL Cool J, your Lincoln Log?' Lincoln refuses. Ilana offers: 'I'll show you my tah-tahs.' Lincoln: 'Yes. Yes! Show me your penis.'

Lincoln · Ilana:No! / I'll show you my tah-tahs. / Yes. Yes! / Show me your penis.

Ilana:Abbi wakes up to find Ilana and Lincoln apparently in flagrante: 'Oh, goodie, you're awake! We're gonna have so much fun! Let's go play outside!'

Lincoln:Lincoln observes Ilana's body art: 'Man, I hate to see it, but you got boyfriend penis, bro.'

Ilana · Lincoln · Abbi:Ilana has drawn a torso-face and Abbi, Lincoln, and Ilana try to figure out who it is. Extended bit where nobody knows, culminating in: 'Maybe Abbi'll know.'

Lincoln:Lincoln on the torso drawing: 'I'm guessing an old person 'cause the eyes are low and swinging and drooping, but in a way that makes me hard. I never thought that an old people face would make me hard.'

Ilana:Ilana reassures Lincoln about his new arousal: 'You are gonna be an old dude with so many boners in a non-creepy way. That's hot.'

Ilana:Ilana confesses to Lincoln she's been lying about the Vicodin schedule: 'I lied, I fucked lied, dude! I gave her the strongest form of weed possible. Other than dabbing.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I haven't smoked once, I didn't even vape. This is all my fault.' Then: 'I lied, I fucked lied, dude!'

Abbi:Wandering, high Abbi finds Whole Foods and calls it 'the most magical place in all the land.'

Ilana:Ilana, searching for Abbi in a store, describes her: 'Did you see a beautiful, sumptuous model-type come through? Long silky hair like a horse's main?'

Ilana · Store Employee:Store employee: 'The only thing I see is that crazy woman who bought two Yoo-hoos and dropped a bottle on the floor.' Ilana: 'Yoo-hoo.' Employee: 'Yeah, that's what I just said.' Ilana: 'Thank you so much. Get out of my store, get out of my—'

Ilana:Ilana chases the retreating employee: 'Punk. Dick, bitch.'

Abbi:Abbi, high and loose in Whole Foods, narrates her shopping: 'Hearts of palm! Abbi, buy me that. I love hearts of palm... Bulk granola! Buy me that... Manuka honey, so reasonably priced! Buy me that, Abbi!'

Abbi:Abbi instructs herself: 'Ooh, earth-friendly cereals. Knock 'em over, Abbi. They wanna be on the ground.'

Abbi:Abbi announces: 'Next up, probiotics, a Neti Pot and a bag of douche.'

Abbi:Abbi checks out $1,487.56 worth of Whole Foods items.

Ilana:Ilana (or Abbi's friend via phone) encourages Abbi to use her credit card: 'You got it because you thought you needed more than one card to be an adult, right? Well, now's your chance to be one!'

Abbi:After the purchase: 'Quick, let's get this into a bunker before the big one hits.'

Ilana · Automated Voice:Ilana finds Abbi via a credit card fraud call: the automated voice confirms the purchase at 'Whole Foods in Gowanus, Brooklyn' and closes with: 'From your clear answer, I can tell you are Abbi Abrams, and this was not a fraudulent charge.'

Credit Card Robot:The credit card hold music: '♪ On the flip side you crazy bitch ♪'

Ilana:Ilana, returning to the street, says: 'Damn, this neighborhood is changing.'

Abbi:Abbi spots Ilana outside Whole Foods and screams 'Oh fuck, it's Strega Nona the weed witch!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Peace, mortals.' As she approaches Abbi.

Abbi:Abbi: 'God dammit, my manuka honey!' — noticing she lost her $1,487 of groceries.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi throws Bingo Bronson the stuffed animal at 'Strega Nona' as a defensive weapon. Ilana: 'I got you, Bingo Bronson!' Abbi: 'I love you, Bingo Bronson!'

Lincoln:Lincoln, after the crisis: 'I feel like an old-timey doctor right now making house calls. I should get an apothecary bag, right? Oh, my God, I am so horny right now, it hurts.'

Ilana:Ilana, responding to Lincoln's horniness revelation: 'Oh, yeah? It hurts.'

Jaimé · Froyo Employee:Jaimé is still at the Froyo shop at what appears to be closing time, being told to pick any flavor: 'Just pick any flavor, they're all chemicals.'

Jaimé:Jaimé finally chooses: 'It's the Gummi Bears.'

Jeremy · Abbi:Jeremy confronts Abbi about her voicemail: 'That really long voice mail you left me where you asked me out.'

Abbi:Abbi tries to explain away the voicemail and then mimes answering a fake phone call: 'Hello? Hi. No, why would I throw up on my clothes? I'm not crazy... yeah, I am Jewish... it has nothing to do with it.'

Jeremy · Abbi · Ilana:Jeremy, Abbi, and Ilana all yell 'Listen!' over each other trying to get a word in, then Jeremy breaks through: 'I would love to go out with you on an official... thing.'

Jeremy:Jeremy: 'And I loved your Drew Barrymore impersonation. Amazing.'

Abbi:After Jeremy leaves, Abbi processes: 'So, I guess I'll give you a call. Yeah, that was... yeah. Okay. Okay, ring her up... me.'