The Cover Up

Pam:Oscar, have you seen my Girl Scout cookies? I can't find them anywhere.

Oscar:No, I haven't seen them.

Pam:Wait... oh my God. I've been sitting on them this whole time.

Dwight:I need those reports ASAP. This is urgent.

Jim:What's so urgent?

Dwight:Is a burrito a sandwich?

Kevin:Hey, hey! That's not fair. I don't even like cookies that much.

Kevin:I mean, yeah, okay, I like cookies. But Cookie Monster? Come on. That guy has a thing. I just... I eat what's in front of me.

Unknown:Come on Kevin, do the Cookie Monster voice!

Kevin:No. I'm not doing it.

Unknown:Please? Just one time?

Kevin:I said no. A man's gotta have some dignity.

Kevin:Click.

Jim:Did he just say 'clique'?

Pam:I think he did.

Unknown:Kevin looks like Cookie Monster from Sesame Street

Unknown:Sesame Street is just puppets in the barrio

Unknown:That's both accurate and hilariously clinical

Andy:Today marks our three-week anniversary, which is a perfect storm for romance.

Andy:I sent out an email, I made an announcement at the meeting, I created a Facebook event, and I sent out a talk blast.

Dwight:A talk blast?

Andy:Yeah.

Dwight:That's not a real thing.

Andy:Well, it fits the pattern.

Andy:Appreciate the crap out of Erin

Michael Scott:You know, people don't realize how important secretaries are. They're the backbone of this office. Without them, we'd all be lost.

Pam Beesly:Well, thank you, Michael.

Michael Scott:You know, my mom was a secretary. My dad left when I was young, and she raised me by herself, working as a secretary. So secretaries... they're like mothers to all of us.

Pam:I'm really excited about maternity leave. I get to stay home, bond with the baby, and not have to deal with any of you assholes for three months.

Jim:What happened to this plant?

Pam:I killed it.

Jim:You... killed it?

Pam:It was suffering.

Dwight:Erin's not very bright. I mean, she's a sweet girl, but let's be honest—

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey! Erin is a wonderful person and she's very capable.

Erin:I'd love to! But first, I need to take a picture of my lunch so I can post it on social media before I eat it.

Dwight:Happy Secretary's Day, Erin.

Erin:Oh, thank you! You know, it's funny because I'm not a secretary anymore, so technically I shouldn't be getting Secretary's Day gifts.

Dwight:I'm aware.

Erin:But I'm still going to accept them, because I deserve to be celebrated for the secretarial work I used to do.

Kevin:Wait, is this another Cookie Monster thing?

Darryl:What? No, man. These are my birthday cookies.

Kevin:Oh... I thought you were messing with me.

Darryl:Man, not everything is about you, Kevin.

Kevin:I don't understand why people keep saying I'm like Cookie Monster. I mean, just because I like cookies doesn't mean... I'm nothing like him. He's this uncontrollable monster who only thinks about eating. I have self-control. I can stop whenever I want.

Kevin:I've got 247 M&Ms in this bowl. Yesterday it was 263. That's a loss of 16 units in 24 hours. At this rate of consumption, I'll be completely depleted by Friday. I'm thinking of implementing a rationing system. Maybe color-coded inventory sheets.

Kevin:Calling a harmless parody 'violent and offensive' is absurd overreaction

Gabe:I have a very complicated relationship with my coworkers. Some days I feel like they respect me, other days I feel like they don't.

Gabe:It's a delicate balance. I try to be their friend, but also their boss.

IT Guy:Sir, this is the IT department. We're not equipped to handle relationship counseling.

Gabe:I wasn't asking for counseling. I was just making conversation.

IT Guy:Then you've got the wrong department.

Gabe:I'm going to need you to take down that Cookie Monster video immediately. I don't care if it's yours or not. I have the authority to—

Gabe:Actually, can I watch it one more time first? Just... just real quick.

Erin:I want to listen to an audiobook in the car.

Erin:It's a book about a movie that was based on a book.

Erin:So I'm listening to an audiobook of a book about a movie based on a book.

Erin:It's like books all the way down.

Dwight:What decade would you want to be a teenager in?

Erin:Oh, the 1490s! Because that's when Columbus discovered America, and I could be there for it!

Erin:I worked at Express for three years, and then I got promoted to shift supervisor at Taco Bell, but it was too demanding so I quit.

Erin:Having a desk means you're somebody. You have a place in the world. It's like you exist.

Erin:Not that I didn't exist before. I existed. I was just... more of a concept.

Erin:Um, I think I was eight and three-quarters. That was a good age. I had just gotten over my fear of doorknobs, but I hadn't discovered the Internet yet, so I was just really in this sweet spot.

Dwight:I'm an excellent judge of character. I can read people.

Dwight:Erin, what's your favorite type of cm?

Erin:Centimeter?

Dwight:No. Scentimeter. A meter that measures scents.

Dwight:Andy is a good salesman. He's got heart, he's got drive, he's loyal to the company. Sure, he can be annoying, but deep down he's a solid guy. Oh, and by the way, he's been sleeping with someone's wife for the past six months.

Erin:Wait, what? Dwight, did you just say...?

Erin:Oh my God. OH MY GOD.

Erin:DWIGHT!

Erin:Excuse me, waiter? There's only three pickle spears in this basket. I ordered a basket of pickles, not a basket with some pickles in it. This is completely unacceptable.

Erin:I just... I can't do this anymore. Everyone's leaving, nothing makes sense, and I'm just here trying to hold it together but I can't! I can't!

Erin:I'll have what she's having!

Restaurant patron:Ma'am, are you okay?

Dwight:Based on your symptoms and physical presentation, you're experiencing postpartum lactation. It's a natural biological response following childbirth, characterized by milk production and engorgement of the mammary glands.

Dwight:Pam is like a skittish horse. She gets spooked easily, requires constant reassurance, and produces very little of actual value.

Dwight:I'm actually very experienced with lactation. On the farm, I've handled the breasts of many animals.

Dwight:I could massage yours if you'd like. I have very strong hands.

Meredith:This is actually a really nice pump. Very efficient. Five stars.

Meredith:What? It's just a boob. We all have them.

Oscar:Can you send me a fax cover sheet?

Kevin:A fax cover sheet? Do you know how many fax cover sheets I send out every day? Hundreds! And you're asking me for one? Just one? Like it's nothing?

Jim:Me Kevin. Me have credit card debt. Me not understand interest rates. Me just want cookies.

Jim:Cookie monster eat cookie. Kevin monster eat cookie AND buy cookie on credit. Then cry about bill later.

Jim:Yeah, it's been like... three cookies since I've seen you.

Andy:Everyone, I'd like to introduce you to Erin, our receptionist. She is an absolute vision. She weighs 120 pounds of pure perfection. Her skin is like porcelain. Her hair cascades down her back like a golden waterfall. And those eyes... those eyes could stop traffic.

Erin:Andy! Andy, wait! I need to talk to you right now!

Erin:You said you were going to help me with my project, and you completely bailed on me!

Erin:And now you're up here singing love songs? What about what you promised me?

Erin:I can't believe you would do this to me in front of everyone!

Erin:Andy, I know what's going on between you and Angela. I'm not mad, I just want you to know that I know.

Andy:Erin, what are you talking about?

Erin:You're in love with her. And she's in love with you. So you two should just be together.

Andy:That's not... Erin, no.

Erin:It's okay! I'll just find someone else. Maybe Dwight and I could be together. And then Ryan could be with Kelly. And Stanley could finally be with his meatball sub. Everyone wins!

Gabe:I would love to help, but I'm in the middle of watching the most incredible video. A guy in a jetpack just flew into a blimp.

Unknown:You are so beautiful... me love you... me love you long time... me want to spend rest of life with you... you have beautiful eyes... you have beautiful smile... you smell like cookies... ME WANT COOKIES!

Gabe:I don't find Cookie Monster funny. He's just a monster who eats cookies.

Pam:But that's... that's the whole point of the character.

Gabe:Well, I'm establishing new guidelines. No more Cookie Monster references in this office.

Jim:Gabe, he's a beloved children's character.

Gabe:I don't care. And anyone caught making cookie-eating sounds will be terminated immediately.

Pam:You can't fire someone for that.

Gabe:Watch me. In fact, eating cookies at your desk is now a fireable offense.

Dwight:Wait, why am I suspended? I supported you!

Gabe:Exactly. That's why you're suspended.

Dwight:But... I was on your side.

Gabe:Which is precisely the problem.

Gabe Lewis:Everyone is suspended for one week for these Cookie Monster jokes.

Unknown Employee:Me want cookie... me also want job back.

Dwight:You're keeping secrets from Erin? That's not just dishonest, Andy. It's a betrayal of trust. In a relationship, especially in the workplace, secrets are like... they're like a spy movie where nobody tells anybody anything.

Andy:It's not really the same thing, Dwight.

Dwight:Oh no? Then explain to me why you're being so secretive. Because in my experience, secrets in the workplace are just as dangerous as foreign espionage.

Dwight:I'm not untrustworthy. I'm very trustworthy. It's just that my trust is conditional on a higher power. And that higher power is me.

Angela:I want to annul it. Not a divorce—an annulment. As if it never happened.

Pam:You know, Erin, the thing about relationships is... you have to be in them with another person.

Erin:Okay...

Pam:And that person has to want to be in a relationship with you. That's kind of the whole thing.

Erin:Right, so what do I do?

Pam:Well, you just... you be a good person, and you hope they're a good person, and then you're good people together.

Jim:You know what? You're right. I'm going to turn this around. I'm going to use this suspension time to really work on myself. New Jim. Better Jim. Jim 2.0.

Jim:I'm thinking vision board, maybe some yoga, definitely a juice cleanse.

Dwight:Gabe, I apologize. I was wrong.

Dwight:You are the superior being in this office. I bow before you.

Dwight:I am but a lowly peasant in your presence, my liege.

Andy:I have no more secrets. Everything's out in the open.

Andy:Well, except for the time I cried at a Katy Perry concert. And when I wet the bed at Cornell.

Erin:I need to be alone right now.

Erin:I'm going to go listen to my audiobook: 'Erin Hannon: A Life Unexamined, But You Should Probably Still Listen To It Anyway Because I Paid For The Narration.'

Gabe:I'll buy everyone coffee. C is for cookie, that's good enough for me.

Jim:That's not how that goes.

Gabe:Well, how does it go?

Jim:C is for cookie, cookie is for me.

Gabe:That doesn't make any sense.

Unknown:Perfect mimicry of his awkward corporate-speak and weird laugh

Erin:Gabe's like a stick insect. You know, those bugs that look exactly like sticks? That's Gabe. He's like if a stick learned to be mean.

Michael Scott:Yeah, and Gabe's like, 'I'm from Florida, but I speak with the vocabulary of a 19th-century British nobleman.' Like, dude, you're from Florida. You probably ate gas station sushi.

Michael:Erin, don't worry about Angela. Sure, she's a little uptight, she's judgmental, she's condescending...

Michael:But deep down, she's got a good heart. Probably. I mean, we all do.

Michael:Well, except for Angela. She's actually a praying mantis.

Michael:Andy, you look terrible. Your hair is all weird and your face is all... face-y.

Erin:Really? Because I think Andy looks great. I've always thought Andy was...

Michael:Erin, I'm trying to help you here. Andy looks like he was assembled by someone who'd never seen a human before.

Erin:No, actually, I think he's really attractive. I mean, he's smart and talented and... oh my God. You tricked me! You made me confess my feelings!

Michael:Classic reverse psychology.

Kevin:That was actually really good, Oscar.

Oscar:Thanks.

Kevin:You really nailed the Count.

Oscar:It's Cookie Monster, Kevin.

Kevin:Yeah, I know. You did a great job though.