The Chump

Michael · Toby:Toby repeatedly placing radon test kits around the office while Michael throws them away repeatedly — first thinking it's an ant trap, then a moo toy, then out of spite

Michael:"The second time, I thought it was one of those, you know, the things you turn over and it moos like a cow thing"

Michael · Toby:Michael making farting noises with his mouth during Toby's radon safety presentation

Michael:"We're not gonna die of radon, we're gonna die of boredom."

Oscar · Michael:"You were being really funny and then you went too far. / I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby. / No, that's still..."

Andy · Unknown office member:"Curve the bullet like in my favorite James McAvoy film Wanted." / "All that does is help you shoot around things. What does Bin Laden... Is there a curtain rod in the room?"

Michael:"How about make-believe land has anything you want?"

Dwight · Phyllis · Toby · Andy:Dwight's solution: line them all up and shoot one bullet through all three throats simultaneously, then demonstrates with Phyllis as Hitler, Toby as Toby, Andy as Bin Laden

Dwight · Phyllis · Toby · Andy:Dwight's solution: line them all up and shoot one bullet through all three throats simultaneously, then physically demonstrates by having Phyllis play Hitler, Toby play Toby, and Andy play Bin Laden

Toby · Dwight:TOBY: "I don't want to do this." / DWIGHT: "Throats together." / Toby complies

Jim · Pam:"The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60. 'Despera-Dough, Witchy-Womanilla.' Why do they do this?"

Jim · Pam:"After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. Right, Pam? / Yeah. Or, no, well, I don't know. I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece."

Pam:"Otherwise I'd be running this." (said by Pam about coordinating Michael's emotional crisis, while clearly half-asleep)

Jim:"You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late."

Jim · Pam:Jim announces half-hour shifts to watch Mr. Bean and Pink Panther with Michael, organizing it like a workplace emergency

Pam:"And if you get stuck and you don't know what to do, make a random sound effect. Okay, farting noise, whatever."

Michael · Office staff:Michael enters and everyone erupts in over-enthusiastic greetings — then someone compliments his tie and Michael says 'Thank you. It's reversible, I think.' Everyone laughs hysterically

Michael:Michael makes a random ball-bouncing noise imitating sound effect advice, the office is confused, then he walks past

Dwight · Angela · Mediator:Dwight and Angela arguing over a child-rearing contract with a mediator, with provisions for 'descendants of any replicants from this union'

Angela · Dwight:"Alleged contract." / "Alleged?"

Angela · Dwight:"I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over. Pfft. Yeah, just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you."

Dwight:"See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it." (Dwight mimes a jujitsu move without touching Angela)

Dwight · Angela · Mediator:"Item five, point B, the beet juice cleanse. I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting. / How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample."

Andy · Jim · Pam:Andy's confessional: "ANDY: No secret crying. / Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there. / Could he still be seeing her? / I don't think he'd do that. / So, we're gonna say the most likely scenario is that Michael matured overnight? / It happened to Tom Hanks in Big. / Exactly. It happened in Big."

Jim · Pam · Michael:Jim and Pam invite Michael to dinner with 'Hooters to go, Rock Band, and play with our baby' — Michael declines

Michael:"Since when is this an office where we delve into each other's personal lives?"

Jim:"Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong."

Meredith:Meredith: "That is something I would never do. Well, I think we all know what you're capable of, Meredith. Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on or been used to cheat with. I ask everyone in the room, 'Are you in a relationship?'"

Michael:"People, this is Scranton and many people consider that to be the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers."

Kelly · Ryan:"Ugh! Ryan, I do not want you hanging out with Michael anymore. / Okay."

Michael:"And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward, same answer."

Michael · Jim:"He is a high school baseball coach, he wakes up early, he goes to bed early. / Look at how long it took for him to find out. It was right under his nose. I had to tell him. / Okay, now you're just being hurtful."

Michael · Phyllis:"Why is it okay for Stanley to cheat? Or for Phyllis to cheat? / Hey. / On her diet."

Michael:"He's a sports guy. He's scummy. Dog fighting, drugs, they spit. / Did Donna tell you that? / Real Sports with Bryant Gumball."

Andy:Andy's talking head: "My name's Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. I've lived the part. And let me tell you, I would so much rather play the part on stage."

Michael:"When are you people going to stop casting the first stone? I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy."

Michael:"Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? There has to be a problem with him."

Michael · Jim:"In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. / You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyoncé. / I am Beyoncé always. / Not this time. / Yes, I am."

Michael:"I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. I should punch him in the nose for what he's making me do to her."

Andy · Michael:Andy vocalizing at the youth baseball game, cheering loudly while Michael shushes him

Andy:"Stage right or stage left? / I played batboy in Damn Yankees."

Andy:"And now coaching third base with two arms, two legs, and a heart capable of feeling pain..."

Pam · Jim:Pam falls asleep on Jim's shoulder during the stakeout, snoring loudly

Gabe · Jim · Pam:Gabe calls Jim and Pam into his office for sleeping on the job — does a 'dressing down' and then immediately says he hates the power dynamic

Jim · Pam:"Well, you were surprisingly restrained. / We will be well rested tomorrow."

Gabe:Gabe's elaborate branching decision tree email about printer fires — 'I actually designed that chart. Kind of hoping it catches on.'

Dwight · Angela · Mediator:"Finally, there's a provision here in the occurrence that the child is born an old man, à la Benjamin Button. / Same page. Go to the next one. Same page. We're fine there."

Mediator · Dwight · Angela:"Despite the provision covering whether this is all part of The Matrix... / Which we can't know... / ...unless we're unplugged... / ...and wake up in the future."

Dwight:"I don't have $30,000 lying around. I have it buried very deeply, and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it."

Michael · Andy:"He is never gonna find out. He is a high school baseball coach... / That's him. / Look at him. High fiving? He didn't even do anything. The kid did all the work. / I bet he does that at home. 'Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes? High five, Donna.' / 'Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers? High five. I'm taking all the credit.'"

Andy · Michael:"He seems pretty well liked by the team. / Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary. / You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players. / I know. I know. I know. That was a euphemism."

Dwight · Angela · Mediator:"Intercourse to completion five individual times, rendered at my discretion." / "Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. / Better than most horses."

Dwight:"Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. Better than most horses."

Mediator · Dwight · Angela:Mediator: "Look, I can't legally watch this unfold. It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution." Dwight: "I want eye contact." Angela: "No." Dwight: "Yes." Mediator: "Do you understand how rare that is in nature?" Dwight: "I'm not some farm animal."

Andy · Michael · Shane (Coach):Andy: "Great game, Coach." Michael: "Shh." Andy (to spectators): "You guys are awesome. Best game I've ever seen in my life." Coach: "You must be rooting for the other guys."

Shane (Coach) · Michael · Andy:Coach: "Do I know you?" Michael: "No, just big fans." Andy: "Both of us." Coach: "Are you somebody's parents? Are you guys Kenny's dads?"

Andy · Shane (Coach):Andy: "(Laughs) No, no, but we're gay for baseball." Coach: "Okay. But I have a wife, actually, who I really love a lot."

Michael:"You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better if I know the coach loves his wife."

Andy · Michael · Shane (Coach):Andy approaches the coach as 'Sheldon' with fake stomach cramps after being called over by Michael

Michael:Michael's confessional: "I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. All the time I was thinking, 'I'm sleeping with your wife.' You know who does that? James freaking Bond."

Michael:Michael distributes the youth baseball team's orange slices to the office, saying 'Don't thank me, thank Dylan's mom.' When told they were for the team, he says: 'Well, then it wouldn't be the first time I stole something away from Coach Shane.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'I just want to go on record as saying I do not condone this affair. And I even went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior.' — then it's revealed 'confronting the victim' was shaking his hand at a Little League game

Andy · Phyllis · Michael:Andy's talking head: "I even went so far as to force Michael to confront the victim of his behavior." / "Did you talk to him?" / "I did." then Michael finds the encounter charming and doesn't change his mind

Kevin · Michael · Oscar:'Did you talk to the man whose wife you're having an affair with? / Yes. / Wow, that is crazy. / Was there a fist fight? / No, we just talked. He's very nice. / And it didn't change your mind? / It did not.'

Oscar · Michael:'Michael, that's awful. / Isn't it? / Yes. / I'm awful, aren't I? / Yeah. / I am what I am, Oscar. And I want what I want. And right now I want a piece of cake.'

Pam · Ryan · Kelly:Pam and Ryan bicker about anthropology vs. Anthropologie (the store) — Pam says she read 'a book about anthropology', Ryan thought she meant the clothing store

Michael · Meredith · Jim (or coworker):Michael steals Meredith's birthday cake because 'I have an appetite for life' — 'God, that's lemon. / Good for you, man. Good for you.'

Unknown (Kevin likely):Someone's talking head reaction shot: 'He takes what he wants.' (Said admiringly/in awe about Michael stealing the cake)

Michael · Unknown woman · Ryan:Michael to the camera (or a woman in the office): 'You know what? I think you're attractive and I want to sleep with you.' — the recipient asks 'What about Kelly?' — Michael: 'You read my mind. / Is this a joke? / Yep.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'It's hard to live that way, man. You gotta really not care what people think about you, right? / I don't know how you do it, Michael. I can't be that cold.' (Said admiringly, then with self-deprecation)

Michael:Michael: "You'll learn, baby, you'll learn."

Dwight:Dwight's confessional: 'I am an honorable man and I will honor the contract. But I don't have to give her the good stuff. Schrute sperm are strong, but they're no match for a grown Schrute man.'

Dwight:Screaming is heard off-screen, then Dwight chuckles and says 'Let's see what she gets.'

Warehouse worker · Michael · Kevin (or Jim):'Boss, we're out of paper.' / 'Yeah, I noticed that.' / 'Aren't you gonna add any more?' / 'Nope.' / 'He don't give an F about nothing.' / 'I have got big balls.'

Pam · Darryl:Pam's sleep deprivation plot: 'I don't think I'm gonna make it.' / Darryl reveals the warehouse workers have a secret nap spot — dark room, heat from the backup generator. 'Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's sleep deprivation conversation: Pam can't drink energy drinks because Cece drinks it through the breast milk six hours later — Jim: "Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it."

Warehouse Worker:The warehouse has a secret dark napping spot: "Light bulb's burned out, so it's dark. And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm."

Warehouse Worker:"Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home."

Michael · Phyllis:Michael walks past Phyllis, who gives a disapproving head shake; Michael gives a speech about not being affected — then announces he's going to a motel to meet Donna

Michael:'Why not your condo?' / 'Because a motel is dirty, and it is sexy. Like me and like Donna. And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate.'

Michael · Jim:'Okay, Morgan Freeman narrating everything.' / 'Do you want someone to stop you? Because no one's going to.' / 'Nobody better try to stop me.' / 'Good.'

Jim:Jim's confessional: 'I could have stopped him.' (Said after doing nothing)

Dwight · Angela:Angela and Dwight's 'encounter' begins — 'Are you warmed up? / No. / God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility?' / 'What did you do to yourself?' / 'Never mind. Never mind.' / 'Well, it better work.' / 'Stop kissing me.' / 'It's not in the contract.'

Angela · Dwight:"Stop kissing me." / (Scoffing) / "It's not in the contract."

Michael:Michael's confessional: 'How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? Good. Moral. I feel proud. Like a grown-up.' — said with visible emotion

Michael:'At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. And it was either living with myself or being happy. And I picked the former.'

Michael · Reporter:Reporter approaches Michael for comment on 'the rumors' — Michael launches into a confessional about 'very bad things' and public apology to 'the coach and the players' — then the reporter clarifies she's talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire