Gossip

Michael · Dwight · Andy:Michael, Dwight, and Andy shouting 'Parkour!' while running through the office parking lot like children

Michael · Dwight · Andy:Visual gag: The parkour sequence continues with Michael calling for 'Truck to refrigerators to dumpster, 360 spin onto the palettes, back flip, gainer into the trashcan' — an absurdly elaborate plan none of them can execute

Michael:Cut to: one of them (likely Michael or Andy) lying on the ground after the attempt, with a single understated 'Parkour.'

Michael · Intern:Michael tells the intern to put files in random order and then come back for an 'assignment concerning their order'

Jim · Pam:Talking head explanation of why the internship program was shut down: 'Ever since Michael's Monica Lewinsky incident. He didn't do anything sexual. He just made far, far too many Monica Lewinsky jokes.'

Kevin:Kevin speculates that the two interns might hook up: 'Think she did him? I bet there's something there.'

Kevin:'This place is like Spaniard fly.'

Jim · Pam:Jim and Pam's talking head about keeping the pregnancy secret, with Jim doing air quotes on 'knocked up by some guy'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'Wait, there's not going to be a shotgun?' / Pam: 'Nope.' / Jim: 'No shotgun? Because that changes everything.'

Jim · Pam:Jim: 'Free at last, free at last.' / Pam: 'No, keep it up. You'll never guess what I know.'

Michael:Michael's talking head about having 'a face you can trust' because of his 'low cheekbones'

Michael:'The third wheel is what makes it a tricycle.' — Michael's mom's advice

Michael · Intern:Michael reveals he knows about the intern group date from seeing Stanley at the club — but Stanley was with his mistress, not his wife

Michael:Michael says 'I waved at him but he didn't wave back' about Stanley — a moment of comedic obliviousness, then 'There he goes.' as Michael immediately goes to spread the gossip

Michael · Oscar:Michael gossips that Stanley is having a midlife crisis and was 'at a club for young people.' Oscar immediately counters: 'Stanley is way past the middle of his life, especially considering his height-to-weight ratio.'

Michael · Jim:Michael confronts Jim: 'You stupid son of a bitch. You set me up.' — realizing Jim told him false info about Stanley's wife being away

Michael · Jim:Michael: 'I don't get it! If that was his sister, then what they were doing was totally illegal.' Jim: 'Drugs?' Michael: 'Making out.'

Michael:Michael's talking head about the joy of having people's attention when sharing gossip: 'When you have somebody's attention and their eyes are lighting up... that is a great feeling.'

Michael · Intern:Michael helping an intern with a crossword: 'Q.' / 'No.' / intern staring / 'He's holding a pencil. He could be doing a crossword puzzle with that pencil.' / Eventually gets to 'T! Yes! T!' — Michael cannot identify the letter T

Michael · Stanley:Michael stops Stanley to interrogate him with: 'I'm casting a movie and I'm looking for a woman who can dance, beautiful woman. Do you know anybody?' / Stanley: 'Goodbye.' / Michael: 'Pays 5 million dollars. Nudity required.'

Jim · Michael:Jim confronts Michael: 'Okay. I get it. You feel out of the loop and you feel sorry for yourself, and it's really sad because everybody thinks you're a loser.'

Michael · Jim:Jim confronts Michael about spreading gossip: 'Everybody thinks you're a loser... you might be ruining his life.' Then immediately: 'Hold up! Hold up! No, no, no!' — Michael publicly confronts Stanley

Stanley:Stanley, after being publicly confronted, claims it was 'racial profiling gossip' — then immediately pivots: 'Damn! I told her it was a stupid idea to go up in that club.'

Stanley:Stanley: 'We used to go on these long walks on the treadmill.' — describing his romantic connection with his mistress

Michael:Michael, after learning about Stanley's affair: 'Wait, wait, wait. Do people often say they're going on sales calls and then go someplace else? Because that's not cool.'

Michael:'She apparently is dating an 81-year-old billionaire. Owns a Quiznos on the turnpike.'

Michael:Michael's talking head strategy: 'How do you un-tell something? You can't. What you can do is spread false gossip, so that people think that everything that's been said is untrue, including "Stanley is having an affair." It's like the end of Spartacus.'

Michael · Oscar:Michael's gossip montage: 'Kelly has an eating disorder.' / 'Yes.' / 'She always eats my lunch.' / 'Anorexia.' / 'She's an anorexitic.'

Michael:Michael gossip montage continues: 'I'm worried about Erin because she's not a very good worker.' / 'And Andy is gay.' / 'Did you hear Pam is pregnant?' / 'She's going to hate being a mom.'

Kevin · Andy:Two office workers discussing Andy's rumored gayness via a prolonged tea metaphor: 'Do you like it as much as you like men's butts? Because you're gay.'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'Was it Broccoli Rob? Someone from Chi Psi? Or did you run into someone from my high school? This is not the first time rumors about me being gay have come up. Twice before, actually. Just a weird coincidence.'

Andy:Andy's talking head continues: 'Almost makes you wonder if it's not a coincidence at all. Whoa! Which it is, of course. But it makes you wonder.'

Andy · Oscar:Andy asks Oscar if he thinks the gay rumor is true. Oscar: 'Are you attracted to other men?' Andy: 'No. But let me kick you a scenario...' — the Brad Pitt beach cabana fantasy

Oscar:Oscar's talking head: 'What exactly is my responsibility here? To comfort insecure heterosexual men? That can't possibly fall to me.'

Michael:Michael's intern send-off speech: 'Look to the intern on your left. Now to your right. One of you will do exceedingly well in business, unlimited potential. One of you will make a living and nothing more. And one of you will make a great mother.'

Michael · Intern:Michael gives interns his business card: 'Call me any time of the day or night.' Intern: 'Why would we call you at night?' Michael: 'Well, now you can't call me at all, so problem solved.'

Michael:Michael follow-up to intern: 'You're going to regret that when you find yourself between a moose and her cubs at night.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael, having spread the eating-disorder rumor about Kelly, says to her face: 'I am so happy you're eating again.'

Jim · Andy:Jim's talking head at lunch: Andy asks Jim to set him up. Jim says Pam might have friends. Andy: 'Women friends? Not guy friends? Are you interested in her guy friends?' Andy: 'No. I mean for the record I prefer women. But off the record I'm kind of confused.'

Jim · Andy:Jim advises Andy to figure out his sexuality by having sex with 'a woman. And then a man. And then compare.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight confronts Jim about the pregnancy: 'You know, a baby conceived out of wedlock is still a bastard.' Jim: 'What?' Dwight: 'Want me to say it again?'

Dwight · Jim · Andy · Erin · Michael:The gossip-tracing scene: 'Who's been saying that there's another person inside of me working me with controls?' — traced back through Andy, Erin, to Michael

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'Hey, did one of you tell Stanley that I have asthma? Because I don't. If it gets out they won't let me scuba. If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about? What am I working toward?'

Various:Other employees revealing their false rumors: 'What do you think I'm the voice of the Taco Bell dog?' / 'How could I be a virgin? I have a daughter.'

Michael · Jim · Andy · Erin · Dwight:The gossip chain traced back: 'I heard it from Andy.' 'I heard it from Erin.' 'I heard it from Michael.' Everyone turns to Michael, who tries to sneak away. 'Where are you going?' 'Nowhere.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight: 'You told people that I use store-bought manure, when I showed you where my manure comes from.' — then menacing Michael with what appears to be manure-related equipment

Michael · Dwight · Jim · Office Workers:Michael attempts to escape the confrontation by getting on the manure cart/device; everyone telling him not to: 'Don't get on it. Michael, don't. Do not. Michael, no. Michael. Stay, Michael. Step away. Stay.'

Michael · Jim · Office Workers:Michael confesses he made everything up, then adds: 'People have been saying I'm a J.Crew model.' / Others: 'We heard that about Jim.' / Michael: 'No, no, I spread the rumor that somebody was a J.Crew model and I was referring to myself.'

Michael · Andy:Michael: 'Okay, I made it all up.' Andy: 'Even the fact that I'm gay?' Michael: 'Yes. Yes!' Andy: 'YES!'

Michael:Michael: 'It's set our industry back quite a bit.' — referring to the modeling industry's reputation for vapidness

Michael · Dwight:Michael reveals the one true rumor: 'That Pam's pregnant.' Dwight: 'I knew it!' / 'Her breasts were a tiny bit bigger. At first I thought, oh! She has a new bra with padding. But then I thought, Pam doesn't need padding. It just didn't add up, Jim.'

Michael · Office Workers:Michael's stream of questions when learning Pam is pregnant: 'Don't vaccinate it.' / 'Who's the father?' / 'How far along?' / 'Who's the OB-GYN?'

Michael · Jim · Pam:Pam shows the ultrasound to prove the pregnancy. Michael: 'That is the inside of your vagina.' Jim: 'That's not how it works but...'

Michael · Jim · Pam:Michael's follow-up to Jim and Pam: 'You should have told me. You're right. We should have realized that you are an equal part of this.'

Michael · Jim · Pam:Michael: 'How long have you known about the pregnancy? A week? A month? A year?' Jim: 'Michael, we only told our parents last week.' Michael: 'Did you pee on a stick?' Pam: 'I did. But it was inconclusive.'

Michael · Jim · Pam:Michael has called Stanley's wife Teri to verify Stanley's story — 'Michael, Teri Hudson returning your call.'

Michael:Michael's plan to handle Teri's call: 'I'm going to tell her I need to redecorate my condo and need her help. We will haggle about money, and I will back down, and then I won't talk to her until this whole Cynthia thing has blown over.'

Michael:Michael's talking head explaining the Stanley affair outcome: 'And quite frankly, I don't think you should ever even try.' — about stopping love, after having accidentally blown up Stanley's second affair secret in one phone call

Intern · Michael:Intern exit interviews: 'I learned that a ream of paper is 300 sheets. I thought it was 500.' / 'Oh!'

Intern:Intern: 'I guess I didn't learn anything.' — after realizing a ream is actually 500 sheets

Intern · Michael:Intern: 'I learned that if you look even the tiniest bit like Jet Li, Michael will call you Jet Li all summer.' / Michael: 'Julia Stiles. Alan Thicke.'