Performance Review

Michael · Dwight:Michael on a fitness orb in the office trying to get Dwight to buy one

Michael · Dwight:"More enjoyable sex. You are not having sex."

Michael:Michael drops the fitness orb item and says "See, I would've caught that" after claiming it improves reflexes

Pam:Pam's talking head: performance review started with Michael asking her hopes and dreams, ended with him announcing he can bench press 190 pounds

Michael:Michael's talking head: "The lovely Jan Levinson-Gould. Well, no Gould. The Gould has been... Divorce."

Michael:"The vulnerable divorcee gives herself to the understanding, rugged good-looking office manager."

Michael:"We both didn't, I didn't want, we both didn't want it to continue."

Jim:Jim's talking head: "When people say something is mutual, it never is. But this was mutual." Then plays the voicemail — 'I guess I missed you.'

Michael · Jim:Michael insists "I guess I missed you" means Jan is romantically conflicted; Jim says it literally means she missed him and he won't be happy with the interpretation

Michael · Jim:Michael forces a more favorable interpretation — "she's conflicted, she has to be professional, but she's fighting feelings for you" — and when Jim gives him this, he immediately loves it

Pam · Michael:Pam's interpretation: Jan is conflicted, fighting feelings, being professional. / Why would I not like that?

Michael:Michael: "Alright, let's listen to that again." — playing the voicemail for a third time to re-examine the pause after 'I guess I missed you'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight tells Jim the tip for his performance review is to suggest double-tabbed manila file folders — "We don't have double-tabbed manila file folders." "Oh yes we do." "No we don't."

Jim · Dwight:Jim announces he's going to ask for a pay decrease. Dwight: "That is so stupid." Jim: "What if he gives it to you?" Jim: "Then I win."

Dwight:I need to stay focused. And I don't have to see you tomorrow or Sunday. Please don't call me and we'll see how things go on Monday.

Jim:Jim's talking head: "Today is Thursday. But Dwight thinks it's Friday. And that's what I'll be working on this afternoon."

Michael · Stanley:Stanley explains that women say more in pauses than in words. Michael: "Stanley, that's freakin' brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets?"

Stanley:Stanley: "I did learn it on the streets. In the ghetto, in fact." Then: "It's all about my bonus."

Kelly:Kelly's talking head: "Michael and Jan definitely made out. Maybe more. Also it is Thursday but Dwight thinks it's Friday. So keep that going. Yay!"

Angela:Angela's talking head: "I actually look forward to performance review. I did the youth beauty pageant circuit. I enjoyed that quite a bit. I really enjoy being judged. I believe I hold up very well to even severe scrutiny."

Michael · Angela:Michael immediately dismisses Angela's performance review with "Angela, you were totally satisfactory this year." the moment Jan calls, then runs to the phone

Michael · Jan:Michael on the phone with Jan keeps referring to their romantic moment as happening "in the parking lot of the Chili's"

Michael · Jan:Jan tells Michael to exhibit completely professional behavior. Michael immediately responds: "I'm thinking about you."

Michael · Jan:Jan asks Michael on the phone if the cameras are in his office. Michael says no. Cut to: the cameras are clearly in his office.

Dwight · Ryan · Kevin · Oscar:Office gossip chain: "That's my girlfriend." / "I heard they made out and had sex." / "I heard they just made out." / "Well, I heard they made out... and had sex."

Dwight:Dwight's talking head: "Office romances are nobody's business but the people involved." — followed immediately by the cut implying he's been gossiping about exactly this

Meredith:Meredith's talking head — a single word: "Romances?"

Michael · Pam:Michael asks Pam if there's any chance she wrote down any of his ideas, "in a folder, like an idea folder?" — he has no ideas to present to Jan

Michael:The suggestion box hasn't been opened since Y2K — "What should we do to prepare for Y2K?" is the first suggestion read

Michael · Kelly:Michael to Kelly after she corrects him: 'Kelly, that was neither constructive nor a compliment. So maybe you should stop criticizing my English and start making some suggestions.'

Michael · Jan:Michael holds the door for Jan, says 'Apres vous,' Jan thanks him, he responds 'Nice to see you.' Jan: 'Nice to see you too, Michael.' Michael: 'Really?' Jan: 'Not like that.'

Jan:Please don't smell me, Michael.

Jim · Dwight:The Apprentice conversation: Dwight thinks it's Thursday and panics about missing the show he watches every Thursday night.

Michael · Pam:Pam tells Michael: 'You told me to buzz you about the suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.' Michael: 'I did not, not use those words.'

Michael · Toby:Toby: "I thought you read these every week?" Michael: "Well, obviously, this one got stuck in the box."

Michael:"We need a better outreach for employees fighting depression." Michael: "Okay, alright, enough with the jokes."

Michael:"Who wrote it? Tom? Then it is a joke, because there is nobody in here named Tom." — Tom worked in accounting until about a year ago.

Michael:Michael's beat pause, then: "Oh, that guy. That guy was weird."

Michael:"You need to do something about your B.O." — Michael reads it, then repeats it, then argues it's a personal suggestion not an office suggestion, and says "Far be it from me to use this as a platform to embarrass anybody."

Michael · Toby · Creed:Toby: "Aren't the suggestions meant for you?" Michael: "Well, Toby. If by me you are inferring that I have B.O..." Then Creed: "Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring."

Toby · Michael · Creed:Aren't the suggestions meant for you? / Well, Toby. If by me you are inferring that I have B.O... / Michael, he wasn't inferring, he was implying. You were inferring.

Michael:Michael's extended speech about B.O. on the elevator while saying "Not that I would ever say something like that in public, and I never have, and I never will"

Michael · Multiple Employees:"You need to do something about your coffee breath." Multiple voices start repeating it, Michael shouts "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

Kevin:"Sometimes you talk to us real close." — employee to Michael about the coffee breath

Michael:Somebody put a piece of gum in the suggestion box. "This is not a garbage can. This is the future of our company."

Michael · Dwight:Michael accidentally asks who wants to come in on Saturday — then immediately realizes Dwight is in the room and it might expose the prank

Michael:"Don't sl—" [Michael reads and stops] "Don't sleep with your boss?"

Ryan:Ryan: "Do you think this is referring to you boning Jan?"

Kevin:Interspersed with the argument: Kevin's performance review. Kevin: "Yes! Yes! Yes!" / "The least you can do is keep my salary consistent with inflation!" / "Because I'm awesome! I am awesome!"

Michael · Dwight:Dwight arrives for his performance review. Michael: "Your performance has been adequate. You may leave. Goodbye."

Dwight · Michael · Jan:Dwight's case for a raise: "Let me bring up one word. Dedication." — followed by a pause — "I have never been late." / "I come in on holidays." Jan: "You do? How do you get in?" Dwight: "I have a copy of your key." Michael: "That's a serious offense." Jan: "That is a serious offense."

Dwight:Dwight: "As is toying with a man's heart."

Dwight:Dwight suggests that deer jerky is an aphrodisiac and recommends Jan and Michael visit the Antler Lodge to discuss his raise

Jan · Michael:Jan's revelation that the deer jerky Dwight brought in was deer: "That was deer? Gross."

Jan:Jan outside Michael's office, to the documentary crew: "I know it's your job, I know you have to ask. But I promise you, I'm not going to discuss it with him. I'm certainly not going to discuss it with you. Do you have a light?"

Dwight · Michael · Jan:Dwight's closing argument for his raise quotes Lex Luthor: '"Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of."' Michael: 'That's from Superman?' Dwight: 'Smallville.'

Dwight · Michael:Dwight concludes his raise argument: 'And in conclusion, I think Lex Luthor said it best when he said, Dad, you have no idea what I'm capable of.' Michael: 'That's from Superman?' Dwight: 'Smallville.' Pause. 'And that is why I feel I deserve this raise.'

Pam · Jim:Pam and Jim's talking head about Michael and Jan: "Do you think Michael and Jan actually..." / "I don't really want to picture it, but thank you, Pam." Then: "How do you come back from that?" / "You don't." / "No, I mean doing that with Michael. How do you come back from that as a human being?" / "Oh yeah. No. I don't think you can."

Michael · Jan:Michael chases Jan to her car begging for closure: "Never as in never, ever, ever? Or never as in there's no chance?" Jan: "Never for me always means never, ever, ever."

Jan:Jan catalogs Michael's flaws: "You're obnoxious, and rude. And stupid. And you do have coffee breath by the way. And I don't agree about the B.O."

Jan · Michael:Jan: "You cried with me and I appreciate that." Michael: "No, I wasn't, I wasn't crying."

Michael:Michael's talking head after Jan's rejection: "Jan is not in a place where she feels she can have a relationship right now. And it doesn't matter how great a guy I am. And that is all I needed. I'm good. I can go home now."

Michael:Michael's final talking head coda: "So my looks have nothing to do with it." — said with enormous relief