Fundraiser

Ryan · Pam:Smokey Robinson is dead — Ryan announces it gravely, Pam says 'I really liked him,' Ryan responds: 'Oh, you liked him? That's nice.'

Ryan:'Did you like when he changed the course of American music like, two or three times?'

Ryan:'Tracks of My Tears is maybe the last true love song ever written.'

Jim:'Well, I second that emotion.' — Jim, followed by a beat of silence.

Nellie:Nellie asks what Smokey's big songs were — 'Tracks of My Tears and what else? What's one more?'

Ryan:'I'm not playing this game, Pam. Not today.' — Ryan storms off from naming Smokey songs.

Ryan:'I'm sorry that I'm not a fan of Jason Mraz or the Beatles.'

Jim · Ryan:Jim's jaw-drop reaction: 'You don't like the Beatles?' — followed by Ryan saying 'That's not the point.'

Ryan · Jim:'You always think you have time to see these legends before they go. What was I so busy doing?' — Ryan, then immediately Smokey Robinson is confirmed alive.

Ryan:'How can they make the Smoke Man play with someone like that?' — Ryan about Paul Anka opening for Smokey Robinson.

Ryan · Pam:'That's not what Smokey would have wanted.' / 'Does want.' — the correction after almost saying 'would have wanted' for a living person.

Ryan:'Tears of a Clown. Don't call me a clown, Pam. You're better than that.'

Robert California:Robert California in a too-tight tuxedo: 'I feel like I'm being strangled, like I'm at some erotic asphyxiation sex club over on I-84.'

Robert California:'The Red Room, say. Or Dominick's.' — Robert names two specific BDSM establishments.

Dwight:Dwight: 'There is a distinct chance that we're all about to be killed.' / 'A middle-aged white male hanging out. Call the cops.'

Dwight:'Could be a knife, could be a gun. Could be a series of guns, all lined up to shoot parallel.'

Dwight:'I'm going to go up to the roof. I'm going to bring my gym bag just in case.'

Meredith:Meredith's talking head: 'Everybody told me if I moved to America I'd be murdered.'

Jim · Pam:'We think you might kill Robert. Because he fired you, which means apparently you're living in your car now.'

Jim · Pam:'It's going to be super weird.' / 'It's going to be really, really weird.' — the running insistence despite Andy's protests.

Darryl · Jim:Darryl: 'The warehouse isn't downstairs?' — delivered after being told it is, clearly just didn't know the layout after years of working there.

Jim:Darryl talking head: 'Tonight could be the night that Darryl and I go from casual work friends to actual good friends. The only thing standing in our way is the contempt he seems to feel for me.'

Andy:'Did anyone order a blast from the past with a side order of sexy?'

Andy · Robert California:Robert California's body language reaction: 'Want to shake my hand? Because I want to shake your body.' — Andy forcing a handshake.

Andy:Andy's talking head — frozen, deer-in-headlights: 'Where. Where do I look?' then 'What's the question? How am I doing? Umm. Great.'

Kevin:Kevin talking head about the fundraiser crowd: 'Grey suit over there is sending a signal. Downstairs is receiving.'

Gabe:Gabe reveals he stopped using hair gel, abandoned an 8-year low-protein diet, and is getting 'half as many bladder infections' — as explanations for why he looks better.

Creed:Creed: 'Why is it that things are their most beautiful in the autumn of their lives?'

Creed · Dwight:Creed: 'No one's raping this guy.' / Dwight: 'Well, I don't want to get raped.' / Creed: 'No, it was my idea to not be raped.'

Kevin · Creed:Creed, I just bid $20 on six jujitsu lessons. / No one's raping this guy. / Well, I don't want to get raped. / No, it was my idea to not be raped.

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'So, Dwight doesn't understand silent auctions.'

Andy:Andy's rock opera pitch: 'a dystopian future where the hero flies around in a spaceship shaped like a treble clef and has to sing his heart out to destroy all evil.'

Robert California:Robert California enthusiastically engaging with the rock opera idea: 'Sounds like you're doing all right. A little better than all right, actually.'

Oscar · Robert California:Oscar: 'Are you kidding me? 'Cause I'm way into [photography].' / 'Children? Yes. / Homeless people? Yes. / 'Cause in a way they're more real...than the rest of us!'

Robert California:Robert California talking head — concluding he's confirmed three things: 'I'm right about the Senator. I still got it. And poor Angela.'

Phyllis · Angela:Phyllis tells Angela the flower arrangement is predictable: 'Daffodils in spring. I wonder what's next — mistletoe at Christmas?'

Phyllis · Pam:Oh! It says 'You're welcome to take this home.' / Sweetie, you don't want that. Even in your house, it's a little much.

Phyllis · Angela:Phyllis: 'Have you ever been to our house?' Angela: 'Not exactly, but I know the Flats.' — Phyllis implying Angela's taste is lower-class.

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'I'm going to say what everyone is afraid to say. Phyllis is a bully. A big, beautiful bully. And she is not getting that centerpiece.'

Andy:Andy pitches his rock opera to Robert California — villain Thomas Oregon 'wants to destroy all guitars in the world because he realizes music is the one thing he can't control.'

Andy:Thomas Oregon 'weeps uncontrollably and pees in his pants' as the humanizing moment at the end of Andy's rock opera.

Andy · Robert California:Robert: 'And the hero — who is that based on?' Andy: 'Me, I guess.' — delivered with complete sincerity.

Andy:Andy performing his rock opera onstage ('We're flying so high, we're cracking the sky') at the donor fundraiser.

Erin · Robert California:Erin: 'Hey, jabroni, show some class.' / Robert: 'She's right, Andy. You're being a jabroni. You're being a Thomas Oregon.'

Andy:Andy insists on purchasing a whole table himself after being asked to leave: 'I would like to purchase two seats at another table, please.' / 'The tables are sold as complete units.' / 'Then I'll take a table.'

Kevin:Kevin: 'I just give a dollar to every charity. That way you get all the mail, all the calendars. You can't believe how much you get for just a buck. It's also nice to know you're making a difference.'

Phyllis:Phyllis to Jim and Pam: 'Are you sure you ought to be giving? I mean, with your financial situation.'

Creed:Creed: 'You ladies are as tangy as the salad dressing over there. I love it.' — appearing suddenly in the conversation.

Creed:Physical gag: Creed drops/spills salad on the way back, requiring cleanup — 'Forgot a few salads.'

Jim:Jim's talking head: 'I stumbled into a very dramatic situation.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'He wanted to rock more than just my vote.' — describing the Senator's flirtation.

Oscar:Oscar's 'the look' demonstration in a talking head — he re-creates the Senator's seductive glance for the camera.

Jim · Pam:'Life isn't Downton Abbey.' / 'Life is Downton Abbey.' — Jim and then Pam, contradicting him immediately.

Dwight:Dwight asks a gym employee how much a full-year membership costs, then bids his guess on the silent auction sheet: '$475. Like candy from a baby.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Simplest game since Touch the Rock. Three-time champion. Almost four, but I touched the wood.'

David Wallace · Andy:David Wallace tells Andy about 'Suck It' — a vacuum for toys he invented after being fired from Dunder Mifflin — and how the US Military bought the patent for $20 million.

Kevin · Nellie:Kevin and Nellie scheming to get tacos: 'Call me a layman, but I wish there was some real food here. Like hamburgers. Or Oreos. Or a pizza pie. Or...' / 'Tacos.' / 'What I wouldn't give for a big mess of tacos.'

Kevin · Oscar:Call me a layman, but I wish there was some real food here. You know, like hamburgers or Oreos or a pizza pie or... what's another food that we like? Tacos!

Nellie:Nellie: 'I've never eaten a taco. I'm not entirely sure what they are. As long as they're not slimy, and please, God, don't let them have eyes.'

Oscar · Jim:Oscar: 'He gives his cell out to everybody.' — Jim has just proved this by getting the Senator's cell number himself.

Oscar · Pam · Jim:'A gay man would not leave the house wearing those shoes.' / 'A gay man wouldn't leave the store wearing those shoes.' / 'Hey, you bought me these shoes.'

Phyllis · Jim:Phyllis secretly takes the centerpiece, Jim notices it's gone. Phyllis's elaborate denial leads to: 'A man emptied the garbage into a bigger garbage and then I heard someone say they were locking the garbage.'

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'Come on, sweetie. We both knew how this was gonna end.' — to Angela, about the centerpiece.

Senator:The Senator's speech response: 'He asked me if I loved dogs. You know what I said? Yes. Not a joke. That was not even a joke.'

Andy:Andy adopts ALL 12 elderly dogs from the shelter after being moved by the speech: 'I am going to take that bitch home.'

Andy:'That is a female dog reference.' / 'This bitch understands loyalty.' / 'Sassy human reference.'

Andy:'This bitch understands loyalty / Sassy human reference / Thank you'

Andy:Andy: 'And every single one of her friends.' — extending the adoption to all 12 dogs.

Shelter Coordinator:Dog medication briefing: 'Huey's going to need his medication once every 90 minutes. You can administer it orally, but he's going to puke it up. So other end's best.'

Shelter Coordinator:'Don't split up Daisy and Mojo because Daisy will start to... I was going to say bark but it's more of a scream.'

Shelter Coordinator · Andy:A therapy dog is already latched onto Andy: 'He apparently thinks you're in some kind of emotional crisis.'

Andy:Andy: 'Stupid dog.' — to the therapy dog correctly identifying his distress.

Oscar:Oscar talking head: 'No, sorry about what? There's nothing to be sorry about here. No, I'm certainly not disappointed that Angela's husband wasn't hitting on me... I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster.'

Oscar:Oscar's confessional: 'No, sorry about what? There's nothing to be sorry about here. No, I'm certainly not disappointed that Angela's husband wasn't hitting on me.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'I'd have to be a monster to root for that. A lonely, aging monster.'

Kevin · Nellie:Kevin and Nellie eating tacos — non-verbal comedy of Nellie experiencing a taco for the first time with elaborate sounds and expressions.

Nellie:Nellie: 'What do you do with the crispy holder?' — about a taco shell.

Dwight · Announcer:Dwight wins item after item at the silent auction: 'Dwight Schrute!' / 'Dwight Schrute!' / 'Dwight Schrute!' — announced three consecutive times to his increasing delight.

Dwight:Dwight's speech: 'Obviously that amount of money is no concern to me whatsoever.' — about $34,000 he accidentally spent.

Dwight:Dwight's speech attacking the fundraiser's flower arrangements, dinner rolls, and white wine spritzers: 'These tables tarted up like Victorian whores.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Let's remember we are all here for the dog society. He's what's important, whatever his name is.'

Senator · Oscar · Angela:Senator to Oscar, at the end of the event: 'And don't forget to call.' — with Angela standing right there.

Oscar:Oscar: 'Why does this always happen to me?' — talking head, after the Senator turns out to be giving his number to everyone.

Oscar:Oscar: 'Why does this always happen to me? Ahh!'

Angela:Angela: 'Apparently there were some silly rumors going around tonight. We are very much in love. Very much in love.' — stiffly, to camera.

Andy · Shelter Coordinator:Dog medication being administered: 'So it just goes on under here like this?' / 'That's right.' / 'Oh, God. Yeah, you never get used to that.' — the 'other end' medication for a dog.

Andy · Unknown:Andy administering suppository medication to a dog: 'So it just goes on under here like this? / 'Oh, God. Yeah, you never get used to that.'

Kevin:Kevin: 'Are you guys nuts? He's not doing great. He was fired. This is terrible. This is literally the worst thing that has ever happened to you.' — as Andy insists everything is fine.

Andy:Andy: 'Not the best.' — after being confronted about his situation being objectively terrible.

Andy:'He's great. We're all great. Twelve dogs. This is my life now. I'm a dog nurse.'

Kevin:Kevin's talking head: 'Sometimes I feel like everyone I work with is an idiot. And by sometimes I mean all times. All the times. Every of the time.'