Fundraiser

Pam:Oh no, Smokey died?

Ryan:Smokey Robinson. The musician. Not your little forest friend.

Ryan:Smokey Robinson is dead to me. That song was the last true love song ever written. Everything after that is just noise and corporate manipulation.

Jim:Yeah, well, you really gotta miracles happen.

Nellie:What were some of Smokey Robinson's big songs?

Ryan:Oh, 'Tracks of My Tears.' That's like... that's his biggest one.

Nellie:And?

Ryan:'Tracks of My Tears.' Classic.

Nellie:Any others?

Ryan:'Tracks of My Tears.' Incredible song.

Ryan:What? I know music. Jason Mraz is basically the Beatles of our generation.

Pam:You just dismissed The Beatles.

Jim:Wait, Smokey Robinson didn't actually die?

Ryan:What? No, he's dead. I've been grieving all day.

Jim:Dude, he's alive. It was fake news.

Ryan:...

Pam:Oh wow, Ryan, you must be the world's biggest fan. You know, for someone who only knows one song.

Ryan:The Smoke Man? Like he's a close personal friend?

Pam:It's another Smokey Robinson song, 'Tears of a Clown.'

Ryan:Wow, so now I'm a clown?

Robert California:This tie is like a noose. It's choking me. I feel like I'm at one of those very specific sex clubs - you know, the one on 5th and Main, or that other one near the warehouse district.

Dwight:He could have a gun. Maybe two guns. Or three guns arranged in a triangle formation for maximum coverage.

Nellie:Well, America does have a murder problem.

Jim:It's gonna be weird.

Jim:It's gonna be so weird.

Jim:Really weird.

Jim:Super weird.

Jim:You should just ask the warehouse workers directly.

Robert California:I would, but I don't actually know where the warehouse is in this building.

Jim:Yeah, I'd like to be better friends with Darryl, but the main obstacle is his contempt for me.

Andy:Hey there, are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears.

Robert:I'd like to shake your hand.

Andy:That's what she said.

Andy:I've lost the ability to do basic talking heads after being fired.

Creed:I'm not worried. I've been cultivating the perfect rape-proof body for years.

Jim:We finally found our stupid guy.

Andy:It's a rock opera about a spaceship shaped like a giant music note.

Angela:That's ridiculous.

Andy:I know, right? But wait until you hear the score!

Andy:It's a rock opera about a man who discovers his true self through the power of music and—

Angela:It's terrible.

Senator:Call me late at night. We can discuss the dog charity work.

Oscar:...Okay.

Oscar:So the Senator hit on me. My three takeaways: One, I'm apparently very attractive. Two, I have excellent taste in men. And three, I feel bad for Angela.

Andy:Thomas Oregon, he's evil and he's mean. But then there's this ridiculous humanizing moment where he cries and wets his pants.

Andy:♪ She was a thief, you gotta believe... Her name was Georgia, she stole my heart... And my money... ♪

Robert California:Andy, you're being a real jabroni right now.

Erin:Andy, you're being a real Nard Dog right now.

Andy:Yes! I got the table! High five!

Volunteer:Great job!

Andy:No no no, a REAL high five. Come on!

Andy:Again! One more time!

Oscar:The Senator was definitely hitting on me.

Kevin:How do you know?

Oscar:He said he wanted to see my rock hard abs and help me get to the top. He was basically asking me to be his running mate.

Jim:Oscar, I think he was just making a political pun.

Oscar:No, Jim. The way he said it, he was definitely hitting on my rocks.

Jim:Life isn't Downton Abbey.

Kevin:Actually, it is.

Dwight:I got this gym membership for a steal. It was like taking a baby from a candy.

David Wallace:The military bought it. Bought a ton of them. For some reason they thought it would be a good... morale thing.

David Wallace:They spent $300,000 on Suck It.

Kevin:I don't want any of this fancy stuff. I want meatballs, pigs in a blanket, and maybe some pizza rolls.

Kevin:You know, real food. Food that tastes good.

Nellie:I'll get the tacos!

Nellie:How many do you want? I'm thinking we deep fry them and serve them with a nice béarnaise sauce.

Oscar:Those shoes are a cry for help. I'm telling you right now, if Jim were gay, he would not be wearing those things. As a gay man, I can say with absolute certainty that those shoes are an abomination.

Oscar:Those shoes are terrible.

Jim:Actually, Pam bought them for me.

Oscar:Oh no.

Robert:I love dogs. I don't know why that's funny.

Robert:These elderly dogs, they really need homes. Nobody wants them.

Andy:I'll take them. All 12 of them. I'll take all of them.

Andy:Excuse me, everyone. I just want to say that Robert's dog is a real bitch.

Andy:I mean, she's very aggressive and territorial. Beautiful animal though.

Andy:No, no, no. I meant 'bitch' like 'that's a bitch' — a problem. Not like calling someone a bitch.

Andy:That meeting was a real bitch.

Volunteer:So the preferred method is actually anal administration.

Andy:The dog is bonding with me.

Dwight:That dog is trained to detect emotional distress.

Andy:What are you looking at? I'm fine!

Andy:Stupid dog.

Oscar:I'm not disappointed the Senator wasn't hitting on me. I'm a lonely, aging monster.

Nellie:How do you... what is the... *struggles with taco shell crumbling* Oh for heaven's sake!

Dwight:I cheated.

Dwight:Suck it!

Dwight:I've calculated the optimal tax deduction strategy. I'll donate exactly $50 to appear charitable while minimizing my financial impact.

Jim:Dwight, that's... actually a terrible plan.

Dwight:Nonsense. I've already set it up with the charity. They said they'd process it immediately.

Pam:Dwight, did you check the amount before you submitted it?

Dwight:Of course I... I mean, I'm sure it's fine.

Jim:Your bank just called. They want to confirm the $50,000 donation.

Dwight:WHAT?!

Dwight:I have just made a significant donation to this office. And now, as is customary, I shall dispense wisdom. First, I noticed the cheese platter was arranged inefficiently. The cheddar should never be adjacent to the brie—they compete for palate dominance. Second, someone failed to use coasters. Wood stains are permanent reminders of negligence. Third, the music selection is far too contemporary. We need more classical compositions to elevate our intellectual discourse. And finally, whoever is responsible for the bathroom soap dispenser refill schedule has clearly never read my memo on proper maintenance protocols.

Dwight:These elegant table settings are like high-class prostitutes. They look great, but they're still fundamentally wrong.

Oscar:You know, I've been thinking about my love life. Every time I meet someone special, something always goes wrong. It's like I'm cursed or something.

Oscar:I finally thought things were going somewhere with the Senator, and now he's leaving. Story of my life, really.

Andy:Look, one of my dogs is smiling!

Andy:He was muzzled before because he was dangerous.

Jim:You're not doing great, Andy. You're spiraling. You've been wearing the same shirt for three days, you cried at the printer this morning, and you keep saying 'I'm fine' in a voice that suggests you are the opposite of fine.

Kevin:I'm not stupid. I know a lot of things. I know all the state capitals. I know how to tell if milk is bad. I know names of a lot of actors. But other people, they're always like, 'Oh Kevin, you don't know this,' or 'Kevin, you don't know that.' Well, screw you. I know plenty of things.

Kevin:My coworkers are always correcting me. Pam corrects me, Jim corrects me, even Dwight corrects me, and he's not even my boss. But you know what? I don't care. Because I am confident in my intelligence.

Kevin:I use good grammar... like, every of the time.

Kevin:Ruby doesn't poop. I think that's a good thing.

Kevin:Here you go, buddy. I put the TV on for you.

Kevin:Oh, come on. You gotta see this part. It's the good part.

Kevin:What? Why aren't you watching? I have to manually open your eyes for you to see the TV?

Kevin:The dog smells terrible but I won't bathe her for fear of drowning.

Kevin:She's not really a bother anymore.