Did I Stutter?

Pam:Michael made me his official screener. I had to answer his phone and take messages.

Pam:It was supposed to be a temporary thing, but he loved having me do it so much that now he demands it constantly.

Pam:Even when I'm busy with actual work, he'll yell across the office, 'PAM! SCREEN MY CALLS!'

Pam:You have a call on line 2.

Michael:Who is it?

Pam:It's... David Blaine.

Michael:David Blaine? The magician? Put him through!

Pam:Actually, I was just making that up. You haven't gotten a real call in three weeks.

Michael:Ryan is my most important client.

Ryan:Michael, I'm your boss.

Michael:Exactly. You're the client I need to keep happy.

Michael:I can't take that call right now. I'm in the middle of something very important.

David Wallace:Michael, it's the CFO. It's about the quarterly reports.

Michael:David, David, David... we're friends, right? Friends don't interrupt friends.

David Wallace:We're... we're not really friends, Michael. I'm your boss.

Michael:That's what a friend would say. That's the kind of thing friends say to each other.

Michael:Hey, what's up? It's Michael Scott. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know—people have been trying to reach me all day. Sorry about that, buddy. I was in back-to-back meetings. You know how it is. So what's going on? How's the family? Kids good? Yeah? That's great. Listen, I want you to know that you're not just a client to me. You're family. We're gonna do great things together, my friend.

Michael:Jan is suing the company for gender discrimination. She says they didn't promote her because she's a woman. But between you and me, I think it has more to do with the fact that she's a terrible person. Also, she had some cosmetic surgery done, and I gotta say, it took a lot of courage. A lot of courage.

Michael:Okay, so I need to remember these legal terms. Let me create a mnemonic device.

Michael:Habeas Corpus, Mens Rea, Pro Bono... H-M-P... 'Help Me Please.'

Michael:That works! Wait, what do those legal terms mean again?

Michael:D is for my friend Disrespect. We go way back.

Michael:Okay, I got one. A-S-S. Anthony Saw Sexy... wait, no. A-S-S. A Sneaky... Squirrel? No, that doesn't work. Okay, okay, okay. A-S-S. A Sinister... Situation? No, no, no. A-S-S. Uh, Amos... Sold... a Shoe?

Dwight:That's not how mnemonics work.

Michael:No, no, wait. I got it. A-S-S. A Sensitive... Squirrel... Snowboarded... to Sarasota... and ate some... Soup. And then he... Sneezed.

Michael:Okay, so I have this system for remembering things. B.O.B. - 'Buy Orange Balloons.' You see, the 'O' stands for orange.

Ryan:That's... that's just the word orange.

Michael:Exactly! See, you're getting it. Or my personal favorite - M.I.K.E. - 'My Intelligence Keeps Expanding.' It's about me.

Ryan:...Yeah, okay.

Michael:So the settlement is for millions of dollars, which is like... a really big bowl of guacamole.

Michael:And guacamole is green. I love green.

Michael:I memorized it. Word for word. It's like a perfect crime. I'm gonna go in there, I'm gonna nail it, and nobody's ever gonna know the difference.

Michael:No no no, you're telling it wrong. A lawyer, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar—but here's the thing, they should've taken an Uber because parking downtown is a nightmare. I mean, think about it—three guys, one car? That's inefficient. Plus, the bar's only got valet, which is like twenty bucks. So really, the joke should be about how they're all bad at transportation planning.

Michael:Absolutely fruitly, I'm here to help the company.

Pam:I brought Jim juice during ping pong.

Pam:I guess that really reduces our relationship to childish caretaking.

Kelly:I'm not mean, I'm just honest. There's a difference between being cruel and being real. When I tell someone something, it comes from a place of love, but also from a place of like, I don't care what you think about what I'm saying.

Kelly:You need steroids just to watch sports. Your body can't handle the emotional intensity.

Kelly:I could hit a ball the size of the moon and I still couldn't hit it.

Kelly:You know what? You're so bad at ping-pong, your parents probably played you against each other just to get a break from looking at you.

Michael:Toby, I've got to ask you something. When you were at that deposition, did you... did you have to take an oath?

Toby:Yes, I did.

Michael:To tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Toby:That's correct.

Michael:You know what that reminds me of? Wedding vows. Except the exact opposite. It's like divorce vows. 'I promise to lie, to lie some more, and to lie under oath.'

Ryan:Michael is actually really competent. The only example I can think of is recreational ice-skating, but other than that, he's great.

Kevin:Jim needs me? For travel receipts? This is the best day of my life.

Michael:The plaintiff? Oh yeah, I know all about that. I've seen like every legal thriller out there. A Few Good Men, Erin Brockovich, Philadelphia... I'm basically an expert on plaintiffs.

Michael:That's what she said.

Michael:No, no, no. You gotta pause before the punchline. That's what she said... pause... that's what she said.

Michael:Jan thought that her breasts got her fired. She called them 'the twins.' She said, 'Corporate is threatened by the twins.'

Michael:Well, you know, they're symmetrical. Identical in every way. Two distinct entities that share the same genetic material. It's like nature's way of saying 'I'll have seconds.' They're... they're very... anatomically present.

Michael:It's pretty predominant that Jan got fired right after I broke up with her.

Michael:Well, it started when we were just working together. It was purely professional.

Michael:But then one night we stayed late at the office...

Michael:And okay, fine, we kissed in my office. But that was just once!

Michael:Alright, it was more than once. We were seeing each other for a few weeks before anyone knew.

Michael:And yes, it happened at the office Christmas party. Multiple times. But everyone was drunk!

Michael:What's my line?

Ryan:You need to fire someone today.

Michael:No, I mean, what do I say? Like, in a play. What's my line?

Pam:Michael, you have to actually do this.

Michael:I know, I know. But first, just tell me what to say, word for word, so I can practice it. And then maybe we could reschedule for next week?

Dwight:I have many ping-pong heroes. Marty Reisman, the Zen master of the paddle. Viktor Barna, five-time world champion. And of course, Leah Neukirchen, the German dominatrix of spin.

Dwight:My first trip ever was for the table tennis Hall of Fame.

Lawyer:Dear diary, today I realized that Jan and I have something special. She's like the sun — warm, bright, and way too dangerous to look at directly.

Lawyer:Here's another entry: 'January 15th - I made a one-time mistake with Jan.'

Lawyer:'January 22nd - Another one-time mistake with Jan.'

Lawyer:'February 3rd - Yet another one-time mistake with Jan.'

Lawyer:'February 14th - One-time mistake with Jan again.'

Lawyer:'February 28th - I think I'm seeing a pattern, but it's still a one-time mistake.'

Lawyer:'March 10th - Okay, this one doesn't count because we were both drunk. So technically still one time.'

Lawyer:I need 10 copies of my diary.

Michael:I'll take an extra copy for myself.

Ryan:You know what, Michael? My parents went through a really messy custody battle when I was a kid. It was rough.

Michael:Really?

Ryan:Yeah. I mean, I turned out fine, but... it was tough. So whatever you're going through, I get it.

Michael:Jan, how could you read my diary? That's a huge violation of privacy!

Jan:Oh, that's rich coming from you. You want to talk about violations? You've been taking home company supplies for months. And that's just the beginning.

Michael:That's... that's different.

Jan:Is it? Because I also found out about the 'business lunches' that were actually personal errands, the fake expense reports, and the fact that you've been using the company car for your weekend getaways.

Michael:Okay, so maybe I'm not perfect...

Jan:Not perfect? Michael, you're a hypocrite. So don't come at me about reading your diary when you've been robbing the company blind.

Michael:Ryan is a great-looking best friend. I mean, he's not as hot as Jan, but... I mean, if it came down to it, I would... I could see myself going that way.

Michael:Jan was drinking a lot during her divorce.

Michael:Water. She was drinking a lot of water.

Michael:Jan says here that I lack the basic skills necessary to manage a paper company. That I'm disorganized, that I have no follow-through, that I spend more time joking around than actually working.

Michael:She also says I'm immature, that I make inappropriate comments, and that I've created a hostile work environment.

Michael:Well, I think Jan is being a little harsh. I mean, sure, maybe I've made some mistakes, but who hasn't?

Dwight:Jim's ping-pong game has improved from hopeless to miserable.

Jim:I need to beat this outside client. I can't let them win.

Kelly:Oh my God, Jim! That's what she said! No wait, that's not... I mean, you can't just go around saying stuff like that! Everyone's going to think you're weird!

Michael:Wait, so you're saying I was in consideration for Jan's job? That means I was the top choice. Obviously. Because if I wasn't the top choice, why would they consider me at all? It's simple logic. I'm either the best candidate or I'm not even in the running. There's no in-between.

Lawyer:Mr. Scott, I've reviewed your deposition. When you say you were being 'seriously considered' for the corporate position, is that accurate?

Michael Scott:Yes, absolutely. I mean, they were very interested in me. They flew me out to New York, they wined and dined me...

Lawyer:According to the company's internal emails, you were never actually under consideration.

Michael Scott:What? No, that's... they definitely were considering me.

Lawyer:No.

Kelly:Wow, nice shot, floppy-haired girl.

Kelly:Why you gotta be so rude? Don't you know I'm ping-pong? Why you gotta be so rude? I'm gonna make a run, gonna hit the ball, gonna serve it like it's done, gonna make you look like... ping-pong!

Jan:Michael, I'm sorry about what happened at the deposition. I feel terrible.

Michael:No, no, it's fine. I mean, sure, I cried in front of a room full of lawyers, but I've cried in front of less important people before.

Michael:Did he really say that? That I'm a nice guy? Well, that's... that's actually really nice of him to say.

Michael:You know, I've learned something today. When you think someone has your back, and then they stab you in it, that's not betrayal. That's just... that's just business. And I respect that. I do. Because at least they're honest about being dishonest. It's like, they're not pretending to be your friend while secretly working against you. They're just... working against you. Out in the open. Which, when you think about it, is actually more honest than most friendships I've had.

Jan:So what are we doing for dinner?

Michael:Well, I was thinking Chinese.

Jan:Michael, we just lost a lawsuit. We need to be more careful with money.

Michael:I know, that's why I said Chinese. It's already my budget option.