Company Picnic

Erin:Michael Scott's office, this is Erin speaking. How may I direct your call?

Erin:Oh, he's just... he gets up at 6 AM every morning. Gets back to work right away.

Jim:Michael's not here. He's at home making chicken pot pie.

Jim:Not just any chicken pot pie. An entire chicken pot pie.

Jim:A family-sized chicken pot pie.

Jim:For one person.

Dwight:I have to leave early today. I have an appointment with my horse doctor.

Jim:Your horse doctor?

Dwight:Yes.

Jim:How did a horse become a doctor?

Dwight:I don't know, Jim. That's what I'm going to find out.

Dwight:I'm not a horse doctor. I'm a beet farmer.

Jim:Oh thank God.

Dwight:I'm a physician. For horses. I perform euthanasia.

Michael:Ahhhh! Five o'clock on the dot. Perfect nap. I am a nap machine.

Michael:You had to be there!

Michael:It's a geography joke.

Michael:I'll see you all tamale!

Michael:Wait, tomorrow. I meant tomorrow.

Jim:So we're just going to show our faces and leave?

Pam:Yeah, that's the plan.

Jim:Should I keep the car running?

Pam:He said he thought they were real.

Angela:You can't just make your own bug spray at home. The EPA has very strict regulations about that sort of thing.

Michael:I met Rolph at the shoe store. He was looking at these shoes, and I said, 'Those are some pretty sweet shoes.' And he said, 'Yeah, they're for running away from the cops.' And I was like, 'That's awesome, we're best friends now.'

Holly:Would you guys like some lemonade?

Jim:Sure, thanks.

Pam:Yeah, that sounds great.

Holly:Okay, so Jim gets one lemonade, and Pam gets another lemonade. That's two lemonades total. One for each person. I'll need two cups, two sets of ice, two spoons for stirring... This is very complicated. Very complicated logistics here.

Holly:Iced tea? ICED TEA?! Do you know what iced tea does to the human body? It's basically liquid Satan!

Holly:But you know what? I'm going to make you the best iced tea this office has ever seen. I'm talking fresh-brewed, perfectly steeped, ice cubes carved from the tears of angels.

Holly:I'm going to drive to three different stores to find the exact tea leaves you need. I'll learn Mandarin if it helps me source the best ones.

Michael:We are soup snakes. I mean, soul mates.

Todd Packer:Hey Jim! How's it going? You look well-rested.

Jim:Thanks, Todd. Yeah, I guess I am.

Todd Packer:Well, you should be. You've been napping at your desk all day.

Jim:What? No I haven't.

Todd Packer:Jim, I've seen you. You come in, you sit down, you close your eyes. That's the job, right?

Jim:Do you want me to beat up Packer?

Pam:Well, yeah.

Pam:Yeah, that was just a little spider. I almost died.

Ryan:Can I be on Erin's row?

Andy:Oh, so you want to set with Erin. Smart. She's got great court vision.

Ryan:No, I just—

Andy:And her serve-receive is solid. You two will make a killer front line.

Andy:Who are you guys designing a house for?

Holly:Us.

Michael:...What?

Michael:You know what? Chair pants. That's what I should be focusing on. Pants... made of chair. I could be a millionaire.

Holly:Michael, we were just talking about my house.

Michael:I know, I know. But think about it. You're sitting down all day at work. Why not be sitting... in your pants?

Kevin:I need chair pants in size 34 waist.

Michael:Yeah, sure thing, fatty. I'll help you out.

Holly:Of course we will. Michael's not gonna back out on me.

Michael:That's right. We're gonna knock 'em dead.

Holly:Yeah, we are. And if anyone has a problem with it, they can take it up with me. I may be small, but I'm scrappy. And I've got more moves than a... than a fat guy at an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Holly:Extra! Extra! Read all about it! The British are coming! The British are coming!

Michael:Holly, that's... that's really good.

Holly:I've been practicing. Extra! Extra!

Michael:Are you blind? Is that why you're wearing those sunglasses?

Michael Scott:So you're blind?

Buffalo employee:Yes.

Michael Scott:Since birth?

Buffalo employee:No, I lost my sight in an accident.

Michael Scott:Oh my God, that's terrible. So you can't see anything at all?

Buffalo employee:Look, I don't know what you want from me, but I need to get back to work.

Michael Scott:No, no, I'm just curious — do you use a seeing eye dog?

Buffalo employee:It's a German Shepherd. And it's a service dog, not a 'seeing eye dog.'

Michael Scott:What's the difference?

Buffalo employee:That's a brand name. Like Kleenex. It's not accurate.

Kevin:So like, when you look at something, does the picture go into your eyeball and then your brain looks at the picture? Or does your brain go out into your eyeball to look at the picture?

Coach:You guys are performing way below your potential. You need to be better than this.

Ryan:Wow. I mean, I came here to play basketball, not to be personally attacked.

Opposing player:Do you even know what volleyball is?

Pam:Yes, of course I do.

Opposing player:Do you know which side of the net you're supposed to be on?

Pam:Um, this side?

Opposing player:Do you know your own name?

Pam:Pam.

Opposing player:Do you know what color that shirt is?

Pam:Blue?

Pam:I'm not really a volleyball person. I was never picked for teams in school.

Jim:It's okay, Pam. Just give it your best shot.

Pam:Well, actually, I was captain of my volleyball team sophomore year.

Dwight:What?

Pam:And I got a full scholarship to play in college.

Jim:Pam!

Pam:And I almost went pro, but I decided to pursue art instead.

Stanley:I'm not celebrating. I'm just standing here while everyone else celebrates around me.

Michael:Is winging the sketch cool?

Holly:Yeah, that's crystal cool.

Andy:I got it! I got it!

Andy:Mine!

Andy:Set!

Jim:Wait, you twisted your ankle while standing still? How is that even possible?

Rolph:I'm sorry, I don't hear you. I don't hear anybody. I don't hear Jim. I don't hear Pam. I don't hear anyone named Kevin or anyone with a lazy eye. I especially don't hear Holly.

Michael:Wait, so we're doing a Back to the Future thing? Okay, okay, I got it. We need to go back in time and fix the founding fathers' parents so they get together.

Jim:No, Michael, that's not—

Michael:No, no, I'm on a roll here. We're like Marty McFly, but instead of saving our parents' relationship, we're saving the country by making sure George Washington's mom and dad fall in love.

Holly:Dun-der, dun-der, dun-der, dun-der, dun-der, dun-der, dun-der, dun-der!

Meredith:You better watch yourself out there. I've been training for this my whole life.

Meredith:I will destroy you. I will absolutely destroy you.

Meredith:I'm gonna spike that ball so hard it's gonna take out your kneecaps.

Meredith:And then I'm coming for you with a folding chair.

Michael:Welcome to 'Slumdog Millionaire Dunder Mifflin!' where our employees answer questions about company history for cash prizes!

Holly:That's right, Michael. And our first contestant is...

Michael:For $100, how many reams of paper does Dunder Mifflin sell per quarter?

Holly:You have three lifelines: phone a friend, ask the audience, or use your computer.

Holly:My great-grandfather actually knew Samuel Dunder. They met at a printer's convention in Atlantic City in 1941. And my grandmother's cousin was married to Wyle Furness, who was Furman's college roommate, and Furman was best friends with Paul Halpert's brother.

Holly:And that's the history of Dunder Mifflin! Now, moving right along...

Holly:Did you know that suicide is the second leading cause of death among young adults? If you or someone you know is struggling, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Holly:Anyway, let's give a big hand to our contestants!

Michael:That's it? That's all I won? I could buy like... a car. A really bad car. Like a Gremlin. A used Gremlin from 1987 with a paint job that looks like a crime scene.

David Wallace:That's very funny.

Game Show Host:And the question is: Which Dunder Mifflin branch will be closing next?

Holly:Oh no.

Holly:How did you know Buffalo would close?

Michael:Well, I may have mentioned to everyone in the office that David was thinking about closing Buffalo.

Holly:You told everyone?

Michael:Yeah, I thought it would be good to give them a heads up. You know, morale and all that.

Buffalo Branch Employee:We're being laid off? This is insane!

Buffalo Branch Employee:We're the best branch in the company!

Buffalo Branch Employee:How can they close down the best performing office?

Michael:I had to explain to my son why daddy's company is letting people go. It was a really tough conversation.

Michael:He looked up at me with these big eyes and said, 'Does this mean we're not getting a Xbox for Christmas?'

Dwight:We should absolutely still play volleyball. In fact, I insist on it. Layoffs are no excuse for weakness. We need to channel our anger, our despair, our sense of betrayal into pure competitive domination on that court.

Dwight:I will spike every ball like it personally fired me. I will dive for every point like my severance package depends on it. And I will crush whoever stands across that net from me.

Corporate Player:Oh yeah, you should definitely keep playing. It's not like you need both ankles to walk or anything.

Andy:No, no, no! Pam! Pam, come back! You can't leave me! You're our best player! I need you! This is a disaster! A complete and utter disaster!

Holly:Well, you know, it was a tough crowd. People were very upset about losing their jobs.

Pam:Can you hurry? I have a game to get back to.

Doctor:I was about to ask you the same thing.

Michael:Holly, AJ, I want you to know that everything we've discussed here today - and I mean everything - stays in this room. It's confidential. You have my word.

Michael:I would never accidentally mention it to someone, and then have them tell someone else, and then have it spread through the entire office like it always does.

Michael:You know, I think sometimes in life you meet someone and you just click. You know, you're not even looking for it, but there it is. It's like all of a sudden you become aware of how much better your life could be, and how that possibility is right there in front of you. But you know what? Sometimes the mature thing to do, the really adult thing to do, is to just... let it go. Because wanting something doesn't mean it's yours to have. And if you really care about that person, you want them to be happy. Even if that means... well, even if that means they're happy without you.

Michael:You know, I'm not a patient man. But with Holly, I can wait. I can wait forever if I have to. Because when you know, you know. And I know.

Dwight:One, two, three. See? I'm counting. Do you know what I'm doing? I'm counting to show you how serious this is. Four, five, six. This is important. Seven, eight, nine. I could go to ten, but I won't, because that would prove my point even more, and I've already proven it enough.

Dwight:I will not give up. I will not surrender. I will fight until my last breath.

Dwight:Nothing can break my resolve. Nothing can—

Dwight:Hello? Yes, this is he. Oh. Oh, I see. Well, thank you for calling.

Dwight:I've decided to step down.