Diwali

Michael:That's a great dress.

Ryan:It's traditional Indian clothing.

Michael:Okay.

Michael:I just want to say that I value all of my most ethnic coworkers.

Michael:Kelly is going to tell us all about Diwali. She's very knowledgeable about her culture.

Kelly:Okay, so Diwali is this thing that India does, and it's like, super important to Indian people. It's when they light candles and stuff, and there's probably some like, spiritual meaning or whatever. My mom used to tell me about it but I wasn't really listening. It's definitely a real holiday though, that much I know.

Michael:So Diwali is basically... it's like the Hindu Halloween. You got your lights, your costumes, your candy...

Jim:Dwight, that is a very nice traditional outfit.

Pam:Yeah, you look great!

Dwight:Well, I thought it would be appropriate for the occasion. I wanted to honor the culture and...

Jim:So why didn't you get us outfits?

Dwight:Well, I... you see... it's just that... I mean, not everyone has the same appreciation for... I didn't think... I mean...

Angela:We could go get manicures and pedicures.

Angela:Or we could go shopping for shoes.

Angela:We could watch a romantic comedy and cry about our feelings.

Angela:Or we could just sit around and talk about boys.

Pam:You should ask Dwight to be your date.

Dwight:I'm available. I'm very available. I clear my entire schedule. I have no prior commitments. I will cancel anything. I will move mountains.

Jim:So who's going to the party?

Dwight:Everyone. Why? You interested in Pam?

Jim:What? No.

Dwight:Your pupils dilated. Involuntary response. You're attracted to her.

Creed:I don't trust Indian food. I've seen what they do with it.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Creed, that's a racist stereotype. Indian cuisine is actually one of the most sophisticated in the world. In fact, I love it. I'm very cultured.

Michael:And you know what? Some people eat monkey brains over there, and I think that's perfectly fine. It's their culture.

Creed:That's exactly what I was talking about.

Michael:Stanley, I got you a Kwanzaa gift!

Stanley:I don't celebrate Kwanzaa.

Michael:Oh, well, you should. It's a great way to celebrate your heritage and culture.

Michael:The irony is, I've been the most culturally ignorant person all episode.

Michael:Kelly, can you explain the cultural significance of Diwali?

Kelly:Oh my God, yes! So Diwali is basically the Indian Christmas, but with way better fashion. Everyone wears these gorgeous saris and lehengas, and there's SO much gold jewelry. Like, so much.

Kelly:And the parties are insane. The food, the decorations, the lights everywhere. It's basically Instagram before Instagram existed.

Kelly:Plus everyone gets presents, and there's fireworks, which is already cool, but Indian fireworks are like, next level.

Kelly:Honestly, it's the perfect holiday. I don't know why we don't celebrate it here. Well, actually, I do now because I'm very cultured and aware.

Michael:Kelly, what do you know about the history of India?

Kelly:Um, it's a country.

Michael:Yes, but do you know anything about your heritage?

Kelly:Oh, well, my parents are from there, so I'm basically Indian. But like, the country? I don't really know about that.

Kevin:How many Hindu gods are there?

Kelly:Like, a lot. Maybe a thousand? I don't know, I'm not really into that stuff.

Kevin:Why do they have all those pictures of that Hindu goddess with all the arms?

Kelly:That's not a goddess, Kevin. That's me doing yoga.

Kevin:Oh. Well, you're very flexible.

Kelly:I know. I'm basically a deity.

Michael:That's cool, Dwight, but isn't that just Lord of the Rings?

Ryan:I was just at the gym. I had to get my workout in before the meeting.

Ryan:Look, Michael doesn't plan ahead either. He just wings everything and people love him.

Ryan:So if it works for him, it works for me.

Jim:Nice bike basket, Ryan. Really completes the look.

Michael:You know Kelly, you're like the the majority of the Indian population.

Michael:You know, there are many famous Indians. Mahatma Gandhi, Indira Gandhi, Ben Kingsley...

Michael:How! *makes tomahawk chop gesture*

Michael:So I'm watching The Sixth Sense, great movie, and the kid can see dead people the whole time. It's amazing.

Michael:Wait, spoiler alert!

Jim:Karen, can you help me with something?

Karen:Sure, what do you need?

Jim:Well, I need someone with... thin arms.

Karen:...

Jim:To reach into the vending machine. My money got stuck.

Jim:Karen and I, we're just coworkers. It's not that complicated.

Jim:But then she laughed at my joke, and I thought, 'Wait, was that a real laugh or a polite laugh?' Like in The Office when people laugh but they don't really mean it.

Jim:And then she touched my arm, and I was like, 'Is this a thing?' Like Jim and Pam. Are we Jim and Pam?

Jim:Or are we just two people who work in the same place and occasionally acknowledge each other's existence, like Dwight and I.

Michael:So I was reading this book about Indian culture, and I learned that the Kama Sutra is actually a very important philosophical text about love and relationships.

Michael:But honestly, it's basically just a sexual positions book.

Michael:Kevin, check this out. It's the Kama Sutra.

Kevin:Oh yeah, I know that one!

Michael:You do?

Kevin:Yeah, my mom has the same book.

Michael:Really? That's great! I didn't know Kevin was into that kind of thing.

Michael:It's beautiful, Angela. It's art.

Angela:It's pornography.

Michael:No, no, no. One person's pornography is another person's erotica.

Michael:Look, I'm not racist. I have a very diverse friend group. I go to the mall all the time. And my girlfriend Carol, we have sex constantly. Like, all the time. Whenever we can.

Michael:Guys, guys, guys! We are going to have the most amazing parrrr-tay! I'm talking balloons, streamers, the works! This is going to be legendary!

Michael:So we're all taking our shoes off now? That's a new tradition.

Angela:Oh my God, Kevin, what is that smell?

Kevin:What? I have a fungus.

Angela:A fungus? Kevin, that's disgusting. Put your shoes back on. Put them back on right now.

Carol:I'm here! I'm a cheerleader!

Michael:That's not a costume, that's just you in a cheerleader outfit.

Kevin:Carol, that outfit is really... something.

Michael:Hey, hey, hey. Carol looks great. You know what? I think it's time someone around here started appreciating the women in this office for more than just their appearance. Carol is a talented, dedicated professional, and frankly, I find it offensive that you would reduce her to—

Michael:Actually, you know what? That color does look amazing on you.

Carol:Do you have any vegetarian options?

Kelly:Everything here is vegetarian.

Carol:Oh good. I'll just have the bread then.

Carol:What are these things called?

Michael:Those are samosas.

Carol:Oh, s'mores! I love s'mores!

Michael:No, sa-MO-sas. It's Indian food.

Carol:Well, do you have any actual s'mores? With the chocolate and marshmallows?

Carol:Where are the s'mores? I thought this was supposed to be a party.

Carol:I mean, it's an Indian-themed event, but couldn't they at least have some American snacks? S'mores are a classic!

Carol:I don't understand why I have to adapt to their culture. They should be adapting to mine.

Ryan:So, uh, what do your sisters do?

Kelly:Oh my God, Ryan, no. No, no, no. Do not talk to them. They're like, so embarrassing. My sister Erin is obsessed with horses — like, it's not normal. And my other sister... I don't even know what she does. She works at a Wendy's or something equally tragic.

Kelly:Honestly, I'm like, how are we even related? They're so weird and boring. Please just pretend you don't know me.

Ryan:Random celebrity reference that makes no sense

Pam:Does anyone else think Carol's gained weight? I'm just asking.

Kelly's Family:Ryan works at a paper company! Ryan works at a paper company!

Kelly:Yes, my parents want me to marry this guy from India, but I'm already with Ryan.

Kelly:I know he's not perfect. He's a temp, he's not very ambitious, and honestly, he's kind of a jerk.

Kelly:But he's MY jerk, you know? And I love him.

Andy:Whoa! Oh my God!

Jim:That's terrible.

Andy:Why would anyone drink that voluntarily?

Jim:I think my soul just left my body.

Michael:So in an arranged marriage, how do you know who you're marrying?

Elderly Indian Man:The parents, they decide. They look at the family, the background, the education.

Michael:Right, right. And what about... I mean, how do you know if you're compatible?

Elderly Indian Man:You make it work. That is the way.

Michael:Huh. Well, my ex-girlfriend Carol, she was a cheerleader in high school, and—

Elderly Indian Man:The cheerleader? Yes, she is a good choice for you.

Michael:Carol, you look amazing in that outfit.

Carol:Thank you, Michael.

Michael:We're not married... yet!

Michael:So in Indian culture, do women still... you know, throw themselves on the funeral pyre? That's sati, right?

Elderly Indian Man:No, that practice ended centuries ago.

Michael:Oh. Still very cool though.

Michael:Everyone, can I have your attention please? I just want to say something. Holly, you came into my life like a wrecking ball. No, that's not right. You came into my life and made it better. You made me want to be a better man. And I know that I'm not always the easiest person to be around, but with you, I feel like I can be myself. Holly, will you marry me?

Michael:I'm not a gringo. I'm just a guy in love.

Michael:I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up next to you every morning and fall asleep next to you every night. I want to make you my wife... or actually, I want you to make me your husband.

Carol:Michael, we need to talk about this proposal. It's not appropriate for the workplace.

Michael:I'm sorry, what? I can't hear you.

Carol:Michael, you can clearly hear me.

Michael:La la la la, still can't hear anything.

Carol:This is ridiculous.

Michael:Wait, did you say you'd marry me? Because I thought you said no, but then you said yes, and now I'm confused and very, very sad.

Michael:Carol, I know you think this is sudden, but I've actually known you for many lifetimes. In a past life, we were together in ancient India. I've been studying Hinduism, and I'm pretty sure I'm going to become Hindu so we can be together again in the next one.

Michael:Wait, wait, wait. Carol, I have something for you.

Michael:I want you to take this Kama Sutra book. You know, for when you're with your next boyfriend. I've marked some of my favorite positions.

Carol:Michael, no.

Michael:Just take it. Trust me, the guy's going to love it.

Ryan:Well, Mr. and Mrs. Kapoor, I want you to know that I have very serious financial goals. By the end of this year, I'm going to have enough money to buy a really nice flat-screen TV.

Kelly's Father:That's... your financial goal?

Ryan:Yeah, like a 50-incher. Maybe 55 if I can swing it.

Jim:That proposal was so Michael.

Karen:What do you mean? He got down on one knee, he had the ring, he said all the right things.

Jim:Exactly. He did it in the office. In front of everyone. During work.

Karen:But that's romantic!

Jim:It's Michael.

Jim:I was just... looking at these shoes.

Pam:Jim, there's no shoes here.

Jim:Exactly. I'm very thorough.

Andy:I was gonna do a cappella!

Andy:Are you kidding me right now?!

Michael:Pam, I know what you're going through. When Holly said no to my proposal, I was devastated.

Pam:Michael, Holly didn't say no. You guys got engaged.

Michael:Exactly. And then she broke the engagement. It's basically the same thing as what Jim did to you.

Pam:You weren't actually engaged.

Michael:Well, Pam, that's like saying a boxer isn't actually fighting because he's in the ring alone. Marriage is an arena, and I was training.

Michael:You know what, Pam? Nobody understands me.

Pam:I know. Nobody understands me either.

Michael:We're like the same person.

Pam:Exactly. We should just date each other.

Michael:I was thinking the same thing.

Pam:Really?

Michael:No.

Michael:Come on, just one little kiss.

Pam:Michael, no. Absolutely not.

Michael:Why not? We're both adults here.

Pam:Because I'm with Jim, and you're my boss. It's completely inappropriate.

Michael:So that's a no?

Michael:Can you give me a ride?

Pam:Only if you sit in the back seat like a child.

Michael:Deal.

Ryan:Michael, can you give me a ride home?

Michael:Of course! You can sleep in my inflatable bed.

Ryan:Your inflatable bed?

Michael:Yeah, we can share it. I'll be the big spoon.

Jim:I'm drunk.

Karen:Yeah, no kidding.

Kevin:Wait, these aren't my shoes.

Michael:So Pam, how's your day going?

Pam:It's fine, Michael.

Michael:You know, you remind me of that girl from Baywatch.

Pam:Michael, that's inappropriate.

Michael:What? I'm just saying you're attractive!

Pam:If you don't stop, I'm calling HR.

Michael:It's not offensive, I'm honoring Adam Sandler. He does all these accents in his movies.