Diwali

Unknown Coworker · Ryan:Nice dress, Ryan. / It's not a dress, it's a kurta.

Michael:Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly...

Michael · Kelly:Michael mimics Kelly: 'It's... I have... It's so super fun and it's gonna be great.'

Michael:A lot of gods with unpronounceable names. Twenty minutes later you find out that it's essentially a Hindu Halloween.

Phyllis · Ryan:Phyllis or another female coworker fawning over Ryan in his kurta: 'You look so handsome. You really do.' / 'How come you didn't get me one?'

Angela:Angela's counter-offer to Diwali: 'Do you want to make Appletinis and watch Sex and the City at my place?'

Pam · Kevin:Pam says she doesn't have anyone to go with; Kevin suggests she go with Dwight because 'He's single too, right?' / 'Yeah, totally single. Hundred percent available.'

Jim · Unknown:Jim asks vaguely who's going to the Diwali event; another character immediately translates: 'Oh, you mean like, Is Pam going?'

Creed:Creed: 'Don't go. They eat monkey brains.'

Michael:Michael corrects Creed: 'Indians do not eat monkey brains. And if they do, sign me up because I am sure that they are very tasty and nutritional.'

Michael · Stanley:Michael to Stanley: 'Come Kwanza time, I have got you covered, baby.' / Stanley: 'I don't celebrate Kwanza.' / Michael: 'Really? You should. It's fun.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'I love the people here. And if there was one thing I don't really care for, is that they can be terribly, terribly ignorant about other cultures. And I don't want them embarrassing me in front of my girlfriend, Carole.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael introduces Kelly for his Diwali seminar with fanfare: 'Kelly, you are on!' — and Kelly's entire explanation is that it's 'awesome and there's food and there's gonna be dancing, and I got the raddest outfit.'

Michael · Kelly:Michael asks Kelly 'How many gods do you have?' and she replies 'Like hundreds, I think, maybe more. I don't know.'

Michael · Dwight · Pam:About the blue deity statue: 'And that blue, busty gal, what's her story? She looks like Pam from the neck down.' / Dwight: 'Pam wishes.'

Michael:Michael dismisses Dwight's accurate Diwali history: 'This isn't Lord of the Rings.'

Jim:Jim arrives at work visibly sweaty from biking in, and delivers a talking head about how biking saves gas, keeps him in shape, helps the environment — 'and now I know it makes me really sweaty for work.'

Unknown · Jim:Someone comments on Jim's bike: 'Nice basket.' / Jim: 'Thank you.'

Michael:Michael talking-head: 'There are literally billions of people just like Kelly in the world.'

Michael:Michael's 'Famous Indians' slideshow: Subrahmanyan Chandrasekhar ('Impressive'), then Apu from The Simpsons ('Hilarious Indian').

Michael:Michael lists M. Night Shyamalan, names his films, then delivers the Sixth Sense spoiler ('He was dead the whole time') and says 'Just stop it.'

Jim · Karen:Jim asks Karen to help retrieve his stuck vending machine chips with her 'skinny little arms.'

Jim:Jim's talking head about Karen: 'We have such a roller-coaster thing, Karen and I... Roller-coastery friendship. Hot and cold, on again, off again, sexual tension-filled type of deal. It's very Sam and Diane.'

Michael:Michael pivots from Sam and Diane to: 'And another thing about the Indian people, they love sex positions. I present to you the Kama Sutra.'

Kevin:Kevin identifies the 'Union of the Monkey' position immediately: 'I have, that's Union of the Monkey.'

Kevin:Kevin: 'This is the best meeting we have ever had.'

Michael:Michael talks about Toby collecting the Kama Sutras: 'My Indian cultural seminar was going great until Toby decided he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images.'

Michael:My Indian cultural seminar was going great until Toby decided he was too immature to deal with culturally explicit images.

Michael:Michael: 'It's just sex, people, everybody does it. I'm doing it with Carole probably tonight.'

Jim:Once a quarter, the sales staff of this branch has to stay late to do order form consolidation which, amazingly, is even less interesting than it sounds.

Jim:Jim in the Stamford office, alone while everyone's at Diwali: 'You guys ready to party!' — greeted by the empty, silent office.

Unknown · Meredith:At the Diwali celebration: 'Isn't this fun? Not wearing shoes?' — someone who apparently has a foot disease responds: 'Stop it. It's a disease. I told you.'

Kevin · Michael:Kevin arrives in an elaborate Indian costume: 'I thought you said this was a costume party.' / Michael: 'What does that look like to you?' / Kevin: 'An Indian woman in a sari.'

Michael:Michael surveys the Diwali food — 'Now these are limes, lemons, onions...' — then announces he's vegetarian and asks what he can eat. When told it's all vegetarian: 'I'll just have some bread.'

Michael · Host:Michael eats food with his hands at the Diwali celebration in a way that apparently horrifies the hosts: 'You used your hands.' / 'Oh, yuck, oh...'

Michael:Michael tries something, is asked if it's too spicy, then reveals: 'These s'mores are disgusting.' / 'They're not s'mores, they're samosas.' / 'Do you think they have any s'mores?'

Michael:Do you think they have any s'mores? All they are is chocolate, graham cracker and marshmallow. How difficult would that have been?

Ryan · Kelly · Kelly's sisters:Ryan approaches Kelly's sisters; they speak to him in Hindi, and Kelly screams at them: 'Rupa, Neepa, Tiffany, stop acting like such little losers and just be cool!'

Ryan · Kelly's sisters:Kelly's sisters apparently say something to Ryan about Zach Braff.

Pam:Pam shows up to Diwali: 'I feel a little underdressed, but at least I'm not dressed like a slutty cheerleader, right? Is that mean?'

Dwight · Ryan:Dwight spots Ryan across the Diwali party and yells 'Temp! Temp!' while chasing him down.

Kelly's Mom · Kelly · Ryan:Kelly's parents try to set up Kelly with a doctor named Vali while Ryan stands there: 'Ryan is a temporary worker. Makes no money. Vali is a whole doctor, so handsome. Makes good money.' / Kelly: 'Do you think I want to date a doctor?'

Andy · Jim:Andy and Jim take shots together at the Diwali party: 'One, two, three, shot!' followed by Andy's extended reaction: 'Oh, holy mother of God... Oh, that burns! Golly... That's good...'

Kelly's Dad · Michael:Kelly's dad asks Michael how long he's been with his 'cheerleader' girlfriend; Michael corrects that she's not a cheerleader, she 'thought this was a costume party.'

Michael · Kelly's parents · Kelly's father:Wow! Thirty years. And you two only met once before the wedding night? / Yes. Wow. / How long have you been married to the cheerleader?

Kelly's Dad · Michael:Kelly's dad: 'She is very fair.' Michael agrees enthusiastically: 'Very fair and very kind.' — Dad meant skin tone.

Kelly's Dad:Kelly's dad asks Michael: 'So, tell me, is your marriage the kind of thing where when you die, she has to throw herself on a fire?'

Michael:Michael: 'No, okay. It's still very cool. Okay, thanks.'

Michael:Michael's public marriage proposal speech: 'I know you're all thinking, Who is this crazy gringo and what is he talking about? Well, I'm not crazy. Maybe I'm crazy in love.'

Michael · Carol:After Carol rejects the proposal: 'This is our ninth date, Michael.' / Michael: 'Well, yeah. But I... I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but...'

Michael:I feel like I've known you many lifetimes. Maybe I'm Hindu after all. Okay, I'm not Hindu, but...

Michael:As Carol leaves, Michael tries to come with her: 'Hey, you know what? Why don't I come with you? 'Cause I've got this book called the Kama Sutra...'

Ryan · Kelly's Parents:Ryan's talking head with Kelly's family: 'Well, I was a temp, but I got promoted. So the compensation is a lot more competitive.' / 'So you're saving money now to start a family and home?' / 'Oh, or travel? And buy an Xbox.'

Ryan · Kelly's Parents:Kelly's family asks if there's anything Ryan wanted to ask them; Ryan asks: 'Can you believe that my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? That is so Michael. Is it?'

Ryan · Kelly's parents:Can you believe that my boss proposed to his girlfriend in public? / That is so Michael. / Is it? / He's really outgoing, huh? / Yeah.

Pam · Roy:Pam and Roy have a tense exchange at the party: she invites him to dance, he declines to watch the shoes, asks who she was texting. She says 'No one.' Phone buzzes immediately.

Andy · Jim:Andy performs a cappella at the party; Jim shuts him down: 'Andy, no a cappella.' Andy continues anyway, and somehow Jim joins in.

Andy · Jim · Karen:(ANDY AND JIM SINGING together) / Wait. / The less I seek my source / Oh, come on, guys, please. / The closer I am to fine / That's not good. / Tuna! Are you kidding me?

Michael · Jim:After the a cappella, someone passes food that burns: 'Wow. That's so spicy. Here.' / Michael's distinctive exclaim.

Michael · Pam:Michael approaches Pam after being rejected: 'Pam, when Carole said No tonight, I think I finally realized how you must be feeling. We're both the victims of broken engagements.' / Pam: 'Well, you were never really engaged.' / Michael: 'I was in that marriage arena, though.'

Michael:Michael to Pam: 'I kind of thought something would happen tonight, too.' — pause — 'So alike.'

Pam · Michael:Michael asks Pam for a ride home; Pam: 'If you sit in the back.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim to Dwight: 'Hey, can I have a ride, man? I have my bike.' / Dwight: 'No way, dude. I am not driving home. I brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You're welcome to share it, though. It's a roomy twin.'

Karen · Andy:Drunk Andy stumbles out, and Karen yells: 'Hey, dummy, get in the car.' / Andy: 'I'm a drunk driver.' / Karen: 'Yes, you are.'

Carol · Michael:Hey, dummy, get in the car. / I'm a drunk driver. / Yes, you are. / Here, let me take that thing. Just get in the car.

Andy · Karen:Andy in the car: 'And I am just going to lie down in the back, if that's all right?' — Karen: 'Sure. Here's your bag. Just don't puke on anything.'

Michael:Michael in the car: 'These are not my shoes.'

Michael · Pam:Michael starts to compare his car ride to 'Taxicab Confessions'; Pam: 'If you say one more word, I'm stopping the car.'

Michael:Michael's Diwali song — a parody of Adam Sandler's Hanukkah song structure, sung to 'Indians everywhere': 'Diwali is a festival of lights / Tonight has been one crazy night / So put on your saris / It's time to celebrate Diwali / Everybody looks so jolly / but it's not Christmas, it's Diwali...'

Michael:In the Diwali song: 'The goddess of destruction, Kali / stopped by to celebrate Diwali'

Michael:In the Diwali song: 'Don't invite any zombies to a celebration of Diwali'

Michael:In the Diwali song: 'Along Came Polly to have some fun at Diwali'