Get The Girl

Jim:You have to see this. This is going to be amazing.

Jim:It's just a balloon falling.

Kevin:Since I had hair. It's been floating up there longer than I've had a reason to look up.

Creed:I remember that balloon. I was in the parking lot, and I thought it was a bird at first. Then I realized it was a balloon, and I got excited. Then I realized it was just a balloon, and I got sad. Then it floated away, and I got angry at the sky.

Nellie:I'm here to tell you that Houdini was a complete fraud. A charlatan! Everyone thinks he was this great magician, but do you know what he actually was? A showman. A mediocre showman with decent PR. His escapes? Tricks! His spiritualism exposés? Self-serving nonsense! And don't even get me started on his treatment of assistants. Terrible. Just terrible.

Toby:Hi, I'm Toby Flenderson, from Human Resources.

Toby:I'm here to help make sure everyone follows company policy and—wait, did I say my name was Todd?

Toby:I meant Toby. Toby Flenderson. Honestly, I was hoping no one would notice.

Nellie:You see, in business, you have to be willing to take risks. When I took Andy's chair, I wasn't just taking furniture—I was taking a chance on myself.

Nellie:And you know what? That one decision led me to racing Formula One.

Nellie:I was actually quite good at Formula One racing.

Nellie:Well, I crashed into the pit crew in my first lap.

Erin:So I'm living in this amazing place in Florida. It's right on the beach, well, technically it's a swamp, but there's water. My roommate is this guy named Dale who collects things. Mostly just newspapers and empty cans, but he's very organized about it. And the best part? The rent is only $200 a month because technically it's not zoned for residential living.

Nellie:Of course there's a manager. How else would anything get done? Managers sit on top of each other in a pyramid formation. It's basic organizational structure.

Andy:I'm sick with the Scranton Strangler's Disease.

Andy:I drove all the way to Florida to surprise Erin. I made this heart map to show her the path of my love.

Andy:Turns out the GPS was wrong and I ended up in a swamp, but you know what? The heart wants what it wants.

Andy:This was supposed to be romantic! We were going to walk along the beach, maybe hold hands, and British Petroleum had to go and ruin it with their oil spill!

Andy:I mean, come on! How inconsiderate can you be? Thanks a lot, BP. You really know how to kill the mood.

Jim:Can you do anything about the Nellie situation?

Robert:You see, Jim, the problem is not Nellie. The problem is your perception of Nellie. If you imagine her as a cloud, and clouds are made of water, and water has no form... then Nellie has no form.

Irene:She doesn't want to go back with him because he's an idiot.

Nellie:I'm actually very good at intuiting names. I would guess... Chumbo.

Nellie:It's a combination of 'chubby' and 'dumbo.' You know, the elephant?

Robert California:You know, there's a rhythm to office life. People come in, they do their work, they leave. It's predictable. Except for Kevin stealing lunches from the break room refrigerator — that happens every Tuesday like clockwork.

Nellie:I'm going to know you in an intimate way.

Kevin:Yes, please.

Erin:Thank you! You know my secret? I use the finest ingredients - high quality hot dogs, fresh buns, and I always make sure to lick my fingers between each one to keep them moist.

Andy:I need to make sure I've crossed all my T's and dotted all my I's with Erin before we move forward.

Andy:I didn't want to stop driving. I was in love. Nothing else mattered.

Irene:Well, you're going to have to stop eventually. You have to use the bathroom.

Andy:I'm feeling stronger already from this vibrating machine.

Glenn:That's not how physics works.

Andy:Preferences, then click...

Andy:Yeah, I'm not feeling well. I think it's... uh... a severe case of... inflammatory bowel syndrome combined with a touch of scabies.

Andy:The doctor said it's the worst case he's ever seen. Really, really itchy. And wet.

Nellie:Oh, trust you? Jim, I've seen the way Pam looks at you when you're not paying attention. It's the look of a woman counting down the days until her life gets interesting again.

Nellie:Dwight, you are quite literally holding up this entire office. You're like Atlas from Greek mythology.

Dwight:Atlas held up the world.

Nellie:Exactly.

Dwight:A raise? I don't need a raise. I need the economy to collapse so I can buy up all the land in the Northeast.

Dwight:When the dollar becomes worthless, my beet farm will be the only currency that matters.

Robert California:I'm going to give you a choice. You can have the cunning, duplicitous, cut-throat world of high-end retail, or you can have the warm, comforting, yet oddly erotic world of Japanese baseball.

Jim:So like, nature is really... it's like when two trees are growing next to each other, and their roots intertwine, and it's beautiful and natural.

Robert:Oh, I love that. You know what else is natural? When a male praying mantis mates with a female, and then she bites his head off and eats his body while they're still connected. That's nature too.

Robert:You know, managing an office is like evolution. Only the strong survive. The weak get weeded out. It's survival of the fittest.

Robert:That's why I run this place like Charles Darwin would. Natural selection. My employees either adapt or they're gone.

Jim:So Nellie's philosophy is that if a seat is empty, you just take it?

Jim:Okay.

Jim:*walks to warehouse and physically takes Darryl's chair and desk*

Jim:Look, I know this is your workspace, but I've already set up my stuff here. I'm thinking we go to arbitration.

Darryl:Arbitration? Jim, it's my desk.

Jim:Was your desk. I've got documentation. Receipts for the desk pad, the lamp. I'm prepared to take this all the way to small claims court if I have to.

Andy:You know what would be amazing? A fountain, but instead of water, it's just a continuous stream of warm mayonnaise. And little cherubs around it, but they're all sneezing into the mayo. That way it's like a self-replenishing condiment situation.

Erin:I just... I feel like we're on different pages. You want to move forward, and I'm still thinking about what we had.

Erin:It's not that I don't love you. It's just... the timing is all wrong.

Erin:So I guess what I'm trying to say is... we're like two ships passing in the night. Except one of the ships is on fire. And that ship is my heart.

Nellie:Here, you can use my blanket for your nap.

Pam:Oh, thanks Nellie.

Nellie:Fair warning though - everyone who uses that blanket has the same dream about a giraffe wearing a monocle.

Pam:What? That's so specific.

Nellie:Mm-hmm. And he's always disappointed in you.

Pam:She's awful, but she offered me a nap.

Jim:Wait, you can't just give raises. You don't have that authority.

Nellie:I'm like Peter Pan. I can make people fly.

Nellie:You have to believe! Clap if you believe!

Jim:No.

Pam:Come on, clap!

Dwight:I'm clapping as hard as I can!

Kevin:Is this real?

Ryan:Just clap!

Oscar:This is absurd.

Nellie:Clap harder! She's dying!

Erin:Andy! Andy, I love you!

Erin:Wait, this isn't your car.

Erin:I'm so sorry, I thought... Never mind. Pretend I didn't say that.

Erin:Do you have a toothbrush?

Andy:Yeah, of course I have a toothbrush. I use it every day.

Erin:Really? Because I found this one in the bathroom and it looks brand new.

Andy:Oh, that's my backup toothbrush. I rotate them so they don't get worn out.

Erin:But you just said you use yours every day.

Andy:Right, well, I use my main one every day, and then I use the backup toothbrush every other day so it stays fresh. Plus I chew gum. And I rinse with mouthwash. Sometimes I just swallow the mouthwash for internal cleaning.

Nellie:I took Andy's job. And you know what? That's the American dream right there. Hard work, determination, and a complete disregard for the feelings of others.