Jerrys Retirement

Leslie:Ben, I'm warning you, do not open that folder.

Ben:Why not? What's in it?

Leslie:Senior sex-ed thank you notes. I'm serious, Ben.

Ben:How bad could it be?

Leslie:Ben, don't—

Ben:*opens folder* Oh my God. Oh my God, no. Leslie, why would they... why would they draw that?

Leslie:I told you.

Ben:*gagging* This is... I need to sit down.

Ben:Why do you keep taking pictures of me when I'm sleeping?

Leslie:Because I'm documenting our relationship. And also, your face gets all saggy and weird when you sleep, and I want to remember you like that forever.

Leslie:Time is the enemy of civil servants. We're constantly fighting against the clock to get things done.

Leslie:I've spent the last three hours bedazzling this scrapbook about my accomplishments. So... I'm not helping my own cause here.

Ben:We should take a day off to relax.

Leslie:A day off? Ben, you know what's sexy? Work. We should do more work and call it a day off.

Leslie:April, can you water my plants while I'm gone?

April:I'll use boiling hot milk instead.

April:What the hell is happening right now? Why is everyone crying? Did someone die?

Jerry:I'm retiring.

Tom:Wait, what? Jerry, you can't retire. What am I supposed to do? Who's going to be the Parks Director?

Tom:Jerry's retiring in six months.

Donna:No, it's two years from now.

Jerry:Actually, I already retired. I've been retired for three weeks.

Tom:What? How did nobody tell us?

Donna:Jerry, you're literally sitting at your desk right now.

Jerry:I know. I'm doing it remotely.

Jerry:This is my last week at the Parks Department.

Jerry:I'm going to weep... I mean, I'm going to reap the benefits of retirement.

Jerry:Wait, no. I'm going to... sleep. I'm going to sleep a lot.

Leslie:We need to do something special for Jerry. He's been a part of this department for so long, and we should celebrate him.

Tom:Celebrate him leaving?

Leslie:No, just celebrate Jerry! We could throw a party, or a dinner...

April:I'd rather have a root canal.

Ben:Come on, guys. Jerry's... he's fine.

Ron:The man is a human wrecking ball.

Leslie:Look, I know Jerry can be difficult, but deep down you all... you all really want him... gone. I mean, gone as in transferred! To another department!

Ron:Jerry was a good man. He's gone now. We'll all die someday.

Jerry:That was beautiful, Ron.

Ron:Jerry, you're a good man. I'm going to miss you. But you're going to show up tomorrow anyway, aren't you?

Doctor:Your heart rate is so low, it's comparable to an extremely old tortoise.

Doctor:We can get a sample from you today if you'd like.

Chris:Today? Like... today today? As in the day that is occurring right now, in the present moment, not tomorrow or next week, but literally this very day?

Leslie:Who wrote this scathing review of Jerry? This is brutal. 'Jerry Gergich is a walking advertisement for why condoms exist.' That's... that's actually pretty good.

Leslie:Oh my God. I wrote this. I wrote this review.

Leslie:You know what? It's a fair assessment. Jerry's an idiot.

Ron:Jerry is a classic example of someone who has confused longevity with excellence. He's been here for years, but he's never actually accomplished anything. He's not even mediocre. Mediocrity would be a step up for him.

Ben:I'm thinking of making mac and cheese pizza.

Leslie:What? No. No, no, no. Ben, that's—that's not pizza. That's a cry for help on a crust.

April:You know, I'm really going to miss Jerry. Tormenting him was my second favorite activity after romance.

April:Who am I supposed to make fun of now?

Tom:Well, it's a delicate ecosystem. You need someone of equal or slightly lower social standing. If you punch up, people think you're being mean. If you punch down too far, it's just sad.

Tom:You're in this sweet spot where people will laugh at your observations without feeling guilty about it.

Chris:Ann, I just want you to know that I have the utmost respect for you as a professional, and I think this transfer is the right call. It shows real integrity.

Chris:Also, I've been reading a lot of medical journals lately, and I think you have excellent bone density and very supple connective tissue.

Ann:So you go into the room, and there's a cup, and you... do your thing. Then they take it to the lab and spin it really fast to separate the fast swimmers from the slow swimmers.

Ann:The fast ones are the winners. They get to fertilize the egg.

Ann:It's basically like the Hunger Games, but for sperm.

Chris:I'm trying not to think about you thinking about me.

Ann:Well now I'm thinking about you trying not to think about me thinking about you.

Chris:Now I'm thinking about you thinking about me trying not to think about you thinking about me.

Ann:We need to stop this.

Chris:We really do.

Chris:So the donation process is actually quite simple. You go in, they ask you some health questions, you provide a sample, and then—

Ann:Chris, I know how it works.

Chris:Right, but there's a specific cup they give you, and it has measurements on the side, which is actually really helpful for—

Ann:Chris.

Chris:—determining the viscosity and—I'm going to stop talking now.

Chris:Wait, wait, wait. Ann, we need to leave. Now. Run!

Ann:What? Why?

Chris:I just realized what this means. We're talking about having a baby. A real baby. I can't do this.

Garth:I'll just organize these files alphabetically. A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z.

Garth:Wait, how do you say that last one? Zed? Zee? Zeta? No, that's not right.

Garth:Actually, let me start over. A, B, C... wait, is it 'C' like in cat or 'C' like in... also cat?

Garth:You know what, I'm going to need a bigger whiteboard for this.

Tom:From now on, you're Jerry.

Garth:What? Why am I Jerry?

Tom:Because you just said something stupid and I'm going to mock you for it relentlessly.

Ben:You're not going to become the new Jerry. That's not going to happen.

Garth:How can you be so sure? I can see it now. I'm 47 years old, sitting in my apartment eating a meatball sub, and I accidentally drop it on my shirt. And I just sit there, staring at the stain, while my cat licks my face. And I'm crying. Not because of the sub, but because I know deep down that nothing good is ever going to happen to me again.

Guard:We don't have clearance levels.

Leslie:I made that up because it sounds cool.

Leslie:Jerry, come on, we need a photo for the Parks Department Christmas card.

Jerry:I don't think I should be in it.

Leslie:Don't be ridiculous. You're part of this department.

Leslie:You know what? Fine. We'll just take the photo without you, and then I'll have someone Photoshop you in later.

Leslie:Okay everyone, smile! Jerry, you just stand right... here. *poses next to empty space* Perfect!

Andy:Sudoku? That's easy. I could do that in like five minutes.

Andy:Wait, what are the rules again?

Andy:I am Squid Dracula, and I will drain the lifeblood from your heart!

April:What are you doing?

Andy:I'm Squid Dracula! I'm chasing you!

April:Andy is immune to embarrassment. He once ate an entire wheel of cheese in front of everyone and didn't even realize people were staring at him.

Ben:Was the mayor great?

Leslie:Oh, he was incredible. He died in a freak gasoline fight accident. Then they brought him back to life, and he died again when he was attacked by a swarm of bees. Then they cloned him, and the clone died in a tornado. Then they found another mayor from an alternate dimension, and he died when he got his head stuck in a revolving door.

Leslie:So the mayor's body was never found because he was... actually still alive the whole time, but also definitely dead. Which means the search parties were looking in all the wrong places because those places didn't exist yet. It's basic geometry.

Jerry:You know, Mr. Mayor, Leslie told me you died from a combination of a massive heart attack and being struck by lightning while simultaneously choking on a piece of candy that turned out to be a tiny bee inside the candy. I just wanted you to know that we all think about that a lot.

Ron:Ronfire.

Andy:Filo Pilo.

Tom:We should hire an intern.

Tom:Bad workers are actually good because they don't cost money.

Chris:If sex were like the fertility process, it would be very clinical and scientific. The male would approach the female and say, 'I am now going to insert my penis into your vagina. Prepare your uterus.' And then they would just go at it like robots, completely emotionless, while a doctor stands there taking notes.

Ann:We were.

Jerry:Gayle made her famous 'tasty surprise' tonight. Wink wink.

April:What is it?

Jerry:Meatloaf.

April:That's disgusting.

Leslie:Jerry, we wanted to honor your years of service to Parks and Recreation, so we had this beautiful plaque made for you.

Jerry:Oh, that's very nice, Leslie.

Leslie:Let's see what it says... 'In loving memory of Jerry Gergich, 1947 to 2015, a man who will be greatly missed.'

Jerry:Wait, what?

Leslie:Oh my God. Oh my God, I am so sorry. There was a miscommunication with the plaque company. They thought when I said 'honor Jerry,' I meant... that you had passed away.

Jerry:I'm not dead!

Leslie:Wait, wait. We can fix this. R.I.P. doesn't have to mean 'Rest in Peace.' It could mean... 'Remember, I'm Persisting.'

Jerry:Thank you all for coming to celebrate my retirement. I've had an amazing time here at Parks and Rec, and I'll never forget—

Jerry:Oh no, my tie!

Jerry:No, no, no—the cake, the candles!

Jerry:Why is this happening?!

Multiple:Jerry, stop, drop, and roll!

Leslie:Well, I think that went pretty well.

Garth:I can't believe I saved Jerry's life. Now everyone thinks I set the fire!

Andy:Wait, you didn't set it?

Garth:No! I pulled him out of the flames!

Andy:So you're saying you regret saving him?

Garth:I'm starting to, yeah.

Leslie:I'm not really into breakfast foods.

Gayle:Really? Because you're carrying a waffle-shaped purse.

Tom:So you're one of those meathead jock types, right? Just sports and partying?

Taylor:Actually, I volunteer at three different nonprofits, I'm working on my master's degree in social policy, and I've been trying to get my city to adopt more sustainable urban planning initiatives.

Tom:Oh.

Chris:So... that happened.

Ann:Yeah. It did.

Chris:Should we... talk about it?

Ann:I don't know. Should we?

Chris:I mean, we're both adults. We can handle this maturely.

Ann:Right. Absolutely. Maturely.

Chris:Okay.

Ann:Okay.

Chris:...

Ann:...

Chris:Do you want some water?

Ann:No. Actually, yes. Sure.

Tom:You know what? I've been thinking about this. My whole thing — the jokes, the confidence, the business ventures, all of it — it's just me protecting myself. Because I know deep down, I'm the guy everyone's gonna make fun of. So I got there first.

Tom:I've reinvented myself multiple times. I went from small business owner to government employee to entertainment mogul. I learned French. I got really into wellness. I even switched to fur underwear.

Jerry:Why would you switch to fur underwear?

Tom:Because it's luxurious and it makes me feel like a champion.

Leslie Knope:This is the most beautiful thing I've ever witnessed.

Jerry Gergich:Welcome to breakfast, Leslie. We like to start our day with a little song.

Gayle Gergich:It's a tradition we started when the kids were young.

Jerry Gergich:🎵 Eggs and bacon, sizzle in the pan 🎵

Gayle Gergich:🎵 Toast is golden, yes it can 🎵

Larry Gergich:🎵 Pancakes, waffles, syrup so sweet 🎵

All:🎵 Breakfast time can't be beat! 🎵

Leslie Knope:I'm never eating breakfast anywhere else ever again.

Gayle:You look so handsome in these photos, Jerry.

Gergich daughters:Ew, gross! We don't want to see mom and dad being all lovey-dovey!

Jerry:Mmm, mmm, mmm. Whirrrr. Click click click. Beep beep.

Ann:Chris, I think we should just be honest about what this is.

Chris:What do you mean? I thought we were figuring things out.

Ann:We're not figuring anything out. We're just going to keep doing this until one of us gets bored or moves away. So let's just enjoy it while it lasts.

Chris:Ann, I think we need to have a serious talk about where this relationship is going.

Ann:You're right. We should really think about our future together.

Chris:I mean, we've been through a lot, and I just think—

Ann:Oh my God, just kiss me.

Chris:Yes.

Leslie:Ron, I've decided we're going to implement a new community engagement initiative.

Ron:Leslie, no. Absolutely not.

Leslie:Ron, yes. It's already decided.

Ron:I am on record as being against this.

Leslie:And that's noted. We're doing it anyway.

Ron:Then I wash my hands of it.

Leslie:Your hands are already washed, Ron. You wash them fifty times a day.

Leslie:So Jerry's retirement lasted what, like three days?

Ron:The intern quit. Apparently showing up to work is a prerequisite for the job.

Jerry:I couldn't sit at home doing nothing. My wife said I was driving her crazy.

Leslie:So you came back part-time?

Jerry:Just until we find someone reliable.

Ron:We've interviewed seventeen candidates. Jerry's still the best option we have.

Ben:Maybe Gayle has some kind of Oliver Sacks neurological condition where she sees Jerry as a hat.

Tom · Taylor:Tom and the new intern Taylor flirt/awkwardly meet in the hallway

Taylor · April:Taylor and April's flirtatious 'Should I keep walking toward you?' — meeting-in-the-middle bit

Tom:Tom's talking head about reinventing himself from 'a skinny Indian kid in South Carolina' who wore dope suits and fur underwear — and now he's back to being a Jerry

Tom:'All right. I gotta buy some sweat pants and a Nicholas Sparks novel. Might as well lean into it.'

Ron:Ron's talking head: 'Tom can take care of himself. He's a grown man. Well, half-grown. He does have a business where he rents out his clothes to 12-year-olds.'

Jerry · Gayle · Jerry's daughters:The Gergich family breakfast song: '♪ Eggs, bacon, and toast / Why don't you start your day / The Gergich way ♪'

Gayle · Jerry · Jerry's daughters:Gayle tells Jerry he's 'still the most handsome man in the world' in front of his family; daughters groan 'Ugh. Mom, come on.' / 'Yeah, jeez, mom. We're eating.'

Leslie:'You know, it doesn't make any sense.' — Leslie, watching Gayle adore Jerry

Jerry · Gayle:Jerry drops something right after being told 'you also dropped that, clumsy' — showing he's been dropping things all morning at home too

Chris · Ann:'Do you want to make out?' / 'I really do.'

Leslie · Ron:That new intern wasn't working out, so I got rid of him. / Once again, I object in the strongest possible terms. / Once again, noted.

Leslie · Ron · Tom · Jerry · Taylor:Jerry returns to the office and the intern is fired to make room for him

Ron:Ron allows Jerry one hour a week to come in so 'everyone will get to watch him eat and talk to him about anything he might do or say or fart'

Ron:Jerry will come in once a week, and everyone will get to watch him eat and talk to him about anything he might do or say or fart.

Jerry · Tom:Jerry trips and falls immediately upon returning to the office: 'Oh, it feels good just to be ba--' [falls]

Ben:Ben stayed up checking 'Fringe' season one for plot holes while Leslie slept: 'As I suspected — airtight.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben suggests Gayle might think Jerry is 'a friendly hat' due to an Oliver Sacks brain disorder

Ben · Leslie:'Hey, maybe Gayle has one of those Oliver Sacks brain disorder thingies?' / 'I think you solved it.' [Leslie dismisses him]