Jerrys Retirement

There's pictures in there. Oh! There are pictures. There are lots of pictures.

Because every memory deserves to be chronicled. Even the saggy ones.

Probably would've got more stuff done if I hadn't spent so much time brainstorming scrapbook titles.

But what if we took a day on and stayed here and worked on some projects? That sounds pretty sexy, right?

We are all out of water, actually. I'll have to use boiling hot milk. Are you really gonna do that? Yes.

What the fuck is happening right now?

Well, I didn't want to make a big fuss. Although, gosh, I'm pretty sure I mentioned it a few times.

Can you believe it? Only six months left until I retire. / What did Jerry say? / Jerry was here?

Well, this is my last weep. Oops. I mean, 'weep.' Week. [Laughs] Jeez.

As much as we want this to happen, we can't let Jerry just disappear.

Jerry, thank you for your service. Good-bye. Thanks, Ron. That speech means a lot.

Okay, see you tomorrow, Jerry.

You have the resting heart rate of a 100-year-old tortoise.

Today? Like, today, today? This today?

a scathing performance review. I mean, why would anyone be so mean? Oh, wait. I wrote this. I stand by it.

Well, Jerry was never really the type to rise above mediocrity or to it.

Mac and cheese pizza? You're making that?

Torturing Jerry was my favorite thing in the world. After making out with you.

Every place I've ever worked in has had a 'Jerry.' When one Jerry leaves, the office naturally selects a new Jerry to fill that role. It's Social Darwinism.

Hello, Ann Perkins, my fallopian princess.

Make a deposit in here. If you fill it up all the way, you get on the board.

Oh, no, no. I go in alone with this pornographic disc and do it myself. And you stay out here and try not to think about what I'm doing in there.

I panicked. Run!

I made two pile files. [Laughter] Pilo fibles. Ugh. Filo pilos. Filo pilos? That's not right. Are you broken?

Well, I guess that settles who the new Jerry is. No, it doesn't! I barely even said it wrong.

One screwed-up sentence, and 30 years later, I'm wearing aquamarine sweater vests and listening to Bonnie Raitt and The da Vinci Code on my iPod.

City Councilor Leslie Knope, clearance level four. Guests are only allowed on Wednesdays. And we don't have clearance levels.

I put my arm around nothing. And then you Photoshop him in later, okay?

Sudoku is easy. Is there even rules to this game?

Hey, I'm like a giant squid. Hey, honey, I'm ink Dracula. Squid Dracula is going to get you.

Andy will never be the new Jerry. Nothing embarrasses him. He's like a giant puppy with no shame.

He resigned because of corruption and racketeering, and then he died from an overdose of pills. But actually his real cause of death was being thrown out of a helicopter while handcuffed.

Some people say he's still alive because they never found the body, but they never found the body because he exploded on impact.

First of all, I'm so sorry that those Serbian mobsters shoved you out of that helicopter.

Ronfire of the vanities.

Interns cost nothing to the taxpayer. And more importantly, they're usually stupid and terrible. So they get no work done. It's like a Jerry you don't have to pay.

Let me remove my clothes so we may begin to engage in physical activity to multiply our genes.

She has a tasty surprise waiting for me, if you know what I mean. Gross, Jerry. She made a meatloaf.

Jerry Gergich Memorial Conference Room. R.I.P.? Oh, the guy at the plaque store thought you had died. It was a rush job, so we didn't have time to change it.

It doesn't matter. We can just pretend it means retire in peace.

Uh, you're on fire. [Gasps] Oh! Oh, my God, Jerry!

Well, that went roughly as well as I thought it would.

See you tomorrow, Jeremy. Well, pretty heroic, huh, guys? Hard to make fun of that.

Filo Pilo ruined the cake. Classic Pilo. What how is that my fault? Stupid Jerry. Should have never saved his life.

Really? Your purse is shaped like a waffle. Please join us. The Gergiches don't take no for an answer.

Actually, I quit football senior year so I could help my pastor run a homeless shelter. Oh. Pfftt! This guy loves the homeless so much, he should marry them, right?

This guy loves the homeless so much, he should marry them, right?

Wish I could, man, but I'm not a 'marriage' dude. I've got a lot of love to give, and it just seems unfair to put boundaries on it.

Yeah, I could stop, and you could walk. Or you know what, we could meet in the middle. Great plan.

I already was Jerry. I was a skinny Indian kid in South Carolina, and it sucked. It took me 12 years, but I reinvented myself. I'm a business owner. I wear dope suits. I have fur underwear.

♪ Eggs, bacon, and toast ♪ ♪ Why don't you start ♪ ♪ your day ♪ ♪ The Gergich way with eggs, ♪ ♪ bacon, and toast ♪

You are still the most handsome man in the world to me. Ugh. Mom, come on. Yeah, jeez, mom. We're eating.

for me, the best part about working in the Parks Department was that I got to be home every night with my family at 5:00. And to me, that's what mattered most.

[Imitates revving motor] The hug machine--it's firing on all cylinders.

Do you want to make out? I really do.

Jerry will come in once a week, and everyone will get to watch him eat and talk to him about anything he might do or say or fart.

Classic new guy.

As I suspected--airtight.

Like, was she a Russian spy and the KGB forced her to marry Jerry as a cover? You know, it's a mystery, Ben. Let it go.

Hey, maybe Gayle has one of those Oliver Sacks brain disorder thingies? Like, does she think Jerry is a friendly hat?