Go Big Or Go Home

Leslie Knope:Pants queen!

Leslie:Tom, you have to stop doing that.

Tom:But Leslie, I enjoy annoying you. It's like my favorite hobby. Well, that and online shopping for things I don't need.

Tom:I'm Tommy Timberlake!

April:I have the same dead, expressionless stare and general apathy that I've had since childhood. I'm not sure why. I think it started when I was born and the doctor slapped me, and I thought, 'okay, whatever.'

Andy:Nailed it.

Chris:I've been training my body like a machine. I do 200 sit-ups every morning, I only eat foods that are genetically similar to foods that humans ate 10,000 years ago, and I've eliminated all processed sugars and refined carbohydrates from my diet. So when this shutdown is over, I'll still be here. In fact, I'll probably live to be 150 years old.

Leslie:We're back to work!

Ron:Dear God, no.

Leslie:All work activities have been suspended: no meetings, no emails, no reports, no committees.

Leslie:This is paradise.

Leslie:This is torture.

Leslie:Feel my goose bumps! Feel them!

Ben:Leslie, what—

Leslie:No, just feel them. This is how excited I am to be back at work.

Tom:Love is like finding the perfect pair of shoes. You search and search, and when you finally find them, they fit just right.

Unknown:That's actually really sweet, Tom.

Tom:Yeah, well, I tried those shoes on you and they don't fit. You got hippo feet.

Tom:Hey Leslie.

Tom:HEY JEREMY, YOU SUCK!

Tom:You know what? Sports bras are genius. We should make a sports bra for men.

Tom:Actually, no. We should make sports bras for dogs. Think about it—dogs running around, their nipples bouncing everywhere.

Tom:But here's where it gets good. We make the bras out of rubber. Rubber nipples. For when the dogs want to feel... protected.

Tom:We call it 'Pup Armor.' I'm telling you, this is the next big thing. We'll be millionaires.

Leslie:The nightmare is over!

Jerry:What happened?

Leslie:I threw it in the water.

April:I called shotgun.

Ben:That was like three hours ago.

April:Shotgun doesn't expire. It's like a gift card to the front seat.

Ron:I have something to say.

Ron:Goodbye.

Leslie:You know, I really believe in each and every one of you. Together, we can accomplish anything we set our minds to.

Andy:That's great, Leslie. Hey, did anyone else hear that? I think someone just ordered pizza in the break room.

Leslie:Andy, I'm trying to inspire the team here.

Andy:I know, I know, but is it pepperoni? Because if it's pepperoni, I need to be there right now.

Andy:Hey April, it's Andy. I was just thinking about you and I wanted to call and see what you're up to. Maybe we could hang out sometime? Like, I don't know, get some food or something? Anyway, just let me know. I'm pretty free most nights. Okay, bye!

Ben:I'm going to be very clear about what you can and cannot do in this position.

Andy:Oh my god, yes! Go Jerry!

Ben:What? I haven't even started yet.

Andy:I know, I'm just getting ahead of it. That's my guy right there!

Ben:I was called 'Turd-boy' in middle school. For three years. Do you know what that does to a person? That's why we need this basketball league.

Ron:I have nothing but respect for basketball players. You're strong, you're disciplined, and you understand the importance of hard work. That's why I'm here today to propose something radical: we change your team name from the Sweetbriar Slugs to something with real power and dignity. The Swansons.

Ron:I present to you the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness. Each level represents a different aspect of greatness.

Ron:At the base, we have capitalism. The engine of achievement.

Ron:Next, we have honor, integrity, and good scotch.

Ron:At the top, we have me.

Ron Swanson:There are three ways to accomplish something: the right way, the wrong way, and the way that I do it.

Ron Swanson:Capitalism: God's way of determining who is smart and who is poor.

Ron:There are only three acceptable times for a man to cry: when he's chpping onions, when he's watching the great films, and when a trout bites his hand off.

Ron:Fish are vegetables.

Ron:They don't have legs, so they can't run away. That means they're vegetables.

Ron:Your hair looks like a bird's nest made of disappointment and broken dreams.

Leslie:I can't believe we have to cut the budget again. This is absolutely ridiculous!

Leslie:Son of a b—

Leslie:I'm sorry, I apologize. That was inappropriate.

Leslie Knope:I work hard. I play hard. I give everything 110%. And when someone gets in my way, I crack skulls.

Chris:Well, we could always try to get a grant, or maybe reallocate some funds from another department. There are actually several options we could explore that might—

Chris:I'm sorry, I got excited about budget solutions for a second there. That was inappropriate.

Leslie:Chris, I can't believe you're not supporting me on this initiative!

Chris:Leslie, I am supporting you, I'm just trying to be fiscally responsible.

Leslie:Well, maybe if you moved out of my way, I could actually get somewhere!

Chris:I'm trying to move! You keep going the same direction I'm going!

Leslie:Because you keep blocking me!

Chris:Why won't you go out with me?

Ann:Chris, that kiss was like kissing a tall, blond, athletic who's-who of disappointment. Your mouth tasted like you'd been eating a tire fire. And when you tried to grab my butt, you missed and got my hip. I've never felt less attractive in my entire life.

Leslie:So you're saying you would do all those things... just not for money?

Ann:Yes! Absolutely!

Andy:You know, my coaching philosophy is all about building character and teaching kids the fundamentals of the game.

Andy:It's not about winning, it's about the journey.

Andy:Watch this.

Andy:Hey kids, go get it!

Andy:You know, being a coach has really changed my life. I wake up every morning and I think about all these kids looking up to me, depending on me to guide them, to shape their futures. And I realize that I have this incredible responsibility to be someone they can believe in, someone they can trust, someone who—

Andy:Wait, how do I know I'm a coach?

Andy:The kids call me Coach.

Ron:Are those women's sneakers?

Tom:They are, but hear me out. Women's sneakers are designed with a narrower heel and a more tapered toe box. Plus, they come in way better colors and patterns. And they're often cheaper. So I get superior comfort and style at a lower price point. It's just smart shopping. And honestly, no one can tell.

Tom:Alright everyone, let's get this basketball game started. First we need to do the coin toss, or whatever—the thing where you throw the ball up and people jump for it. Then we run back and forth, and try to put the ball in the hoop. There's a guy with a whistle. And at the end, whoever has the most points wins, obviously. And then there's... timeouts, and fouls, and traveling, and the three-point line, and the slam dunk contest, and et cetera, et cetera.

Leslie:Okay Ann, here's what you do. First, wear something that shows you're interested in him. Maybe a nice dress.

Leslie:Then escalate to something a little more daring. A short skirt, maybe some heels.

Leslie:Then a leather jacket. Then a metal bikini. Then a full metal bikini with spikes.

Leslie:By that point he'll either be completely into you or calling animal control.

Leslie:Turkey chili is sexy.

Leslie:Ann, I'm Chris now. What do you think of my tuxedo vest?

Ann:It's very... efficient.

Leslie:I'm like a vest. I go over everything.

Ben:What?

Leslie:A vest. It's versatile. You can wear it in any season. And it complements whatever's underneath.

Ben:Leslie, what are you doing?

Leslie:I'm seducing you with my vest knowledge. Like the Parks Department, I bring added value to your life. I'm essential but also optional, like a vest.

Chris:Every date is a good date. Even the bad dates are good dates because you learn something about yourself.

Chris:Nurses are incredible. They work so hard, they care so much. I think they should be paid like CEOs.

Chris:Actually, they should be paid more than CEOs. They should be paid like the CEO of Google.

Chris:No wait, they should be paid like the CEO of Google, plus stock options, plus a private jet, plus naming rights to a country.

Chris:I'm not just positive. I have calculated the exact percentage of my life that I have left to live, and I am determined to enjoy every single week of it. By my calculations, I have approximately 2,847 weeks left. That's 40,276 days. So I'm going to enjoy every one of them.

Leslie:So anyway, like I was saying, the Parks Department is really important and—

Other person:Yeah, did you see the game last night?

Leslie:Oh, sports! You know what's like sports? Parks. Parks are a level playing field where everyone can—

Ann:If you want it done right, why don't you just come do it yourself?

Leslie:You know what? I will.

Tom:Chris and Ann are totally going to get together.

Leslie:I'm actually really sneaky. I'm like a ninja.

Ben:Leslie, you're wearing a neon green jacket that says 'Parks Department' on the back.

Leslie:That's my disguise.

Tom:Ron, you're dating my ex-wife? That's cool. I mean, it's a little weird, but it's cool.

Tom:Actually, it's pretty weird.

Tom:Okay, it's really weird.

Tom:Ron, you're dating my ex-wife. Do you understand what you're doing to me? I'm the one who has to see you two together.

Tom:I'm the victim here.

Leslie:We could take a romantic walk through the park this weekend.

Chris:Actually, all the parks are closed due to budget cuts.

Leslie:What? No, that's... we have to do something about this.

Chris:I know. It's devastating.

Chris:This is literally the most incredible club I've ever been to in my entire life. The lighting design, the energy, the way the bass frequencies resonate through your thoracic cavity — it's a perfect ten out of ten. Actually, I'd say it's an eleven out of ten. No, a twelve. The DJ is phenomenal, the crowd is enthusiastic, and I'm having the time of my life right now. This might be the best night ever!

Tom:Okay, that's traveling. No wait, that's a foul. Actually, that's a technical foul. And now he's in violation of the Magna Carta.

Ron:Tom, what are you talking about?

Tom:I don't know, I'm just making stuff up now. That guy just committed... high treason against the sport of basketball.

Tom:That's a foul. No wait, the guy on the stripey thing is open.

Chris:I'm basically a gay hero. I once accidentally married two gay penguins at the zoo.

Ben:Ice Town was a great success. We had Ice Rinks, Ice Sculptures, the Ice Skating Lottery...

Ben:Sure, we went bankrupt and had to lay off half the staff, but we really captured the magic of ice.

Ben:Okay, fine, it was a disaster. A complete disaster. I cost the town millions of dollars and everyone hates me.

Ben:They're calling it 'Ben's Lyin' and Tryin'.'

Ben:Which is ridiculous because those words don't even rhyme.

Tom:Number 23, that's a solid player. Number 24? Also great. But Number 25? That guy's all clogged up.

Tom:I'm telling you, that was a foul!

Ron:That was a clean play, Haverford.

Tom:You know what? I'm the ref now, and I say it's a foul. Technical foul. That's two shots.

Ron:You can't just make up rules—

Tom:Oh, I can't? Ejected. You're out of the game.

Tom:And you—ejected. And you—ejected. Everyone's ejected. Game's over. I win.

Tom:You're out! You're out of here!

Tom:And you, sir, are accused of molesting the ref. Get out!

Andy:I want to dedicate this victory to April, the love of my life.

April:That's sweet.

Andy:You're so beautiful, and you smell like a sweet flower... mixed with something else. What is that?

April:Gatorade. I've been drinking it all day and it's all over my hands.

Leslie:Ann, I want you to know that this was all Chris's idea. I was completely against it from the start.

Chris:What? No, you came up with this!

Leslie:Chris is obviously confused. Ann, you know how he gets.

Ann:Leslie, I was literally in the room when you planned this.

Leslie:Ann's been under a lot of stress lately. I think she might be misremembering things.

Chris:Wait, so you were just using me to get to Ben?

Ann:What? No, Chris, I—

Chris:I can't believe this. My first real date and it was all a setup. This is worse than when I tried to eat that entire rotisserie chicken at the Sweetums office party.

April:I was in Venezuela.

Andy:Venezuela? Isn't that across the pond?

April:No, Andy. It's in South America.

Andy:Oh. I thought it was near England or something.

April:This is my boyfriend, Eduardo.

Eduardo:We're not dating.

Andy:Adiós. I'm leaving now. Adiós, amigos.

Andy:May your socks never get wet, and may you always find twenty dollars in your old jacket.

Leslie:We could use tired sheep for food or sweaters.

Andy:Thinking Venezuela is a city in Mexico

Leslie:You need to believe in yourself. You need to have confidence that you can achieve anything you set your mind to.

Andy:But I don't have a home.

Leslie:What? No, that's not what I meant—

Andy:I've been living in a tent behind the community center for three weeks.

Leslie:Andy, the point is that you have to believe in yourself. You have to think positive thoughts and—

Andy:Say no more. I'm going to go tell everyone that I'm the best dancer in the world.

Leslie:That's not... okay. Also, Jerry, you need to go check your testicles.

Jerry:What? Why?

Leslie:Just... go do it.

Leslie:Pawnee was founded in 1823 by settlers who were looking for the flattest land possible. We succeeded. We also have the highest obesity rate in the state, and we're very proud of that. And, of course, the Harvest Festival.

Leslie:People specifically came to marvel at obesity