S07E12

And any perfect day involves crying uncontrollably.

Perhaps we could skip ahead and just hit the highlights? Ah! The debate about getting a pod-based coffee machine.

'Anything is possible if you follow your dreams.' Johnny Karate. Except getting a swing fixed. None of us actually work here anymore.

The vote was four to three / Donna said to get rid of me / But Ron was suspicious 'cause my coffee was delicious

Come on, Garry. You're the mayor now. Have some dignity.

I cannot wait to fix that swing so we can get your little butt right into it. I know it's weird. Whatever. It motivates me.

Five points for Hufflepuff.

Thanks to Leslie's scrapbook 'Thanks Form the Memories!'

That crazy story about you getting kicked out of En Vogue. Technically, I kicked them out.

You can watch them build the new Space Haystack around the Space Needle.

I can hardly see the needle anymore. I know. It's kind of the point.

I think it's all that coffee and legal marijuana. Has people wanting to buy houses quickly and irrationally.

The school cut the math club... And math. They just don't teach math anymore.

Call Satan's niece.

Are you gonna buy me a bunch of leather handbags?

I single-handedly started that door-knockers earring trend.

I am calm. I am grateful. I am Craig.

And then I thought, 'Oh, no. He's insane.' 'That person is psychotic, and I need to call the police.'

My name is Craig Middlebrooks. I'm the part-time sommelier here at Tom's Bistro. And I'm a very good singer!

Do you have any regrets? Not one. Not a single one. Do you have any regrets? Are you kidding? Thousands! Most recently, this trout!

Shotgun! W-we're just taking the elevator. I get to push the buttons! I called it!

Get with the times, you Luddite.

That sapphire has the power to activate the Cuban Missile Crisis!

Wait. Seriously? I -- 'cause I will go do that right now.

Did you eat all the candy? No! Did you? Yes. But that's not what's wrong.

I want to put a babe in you, babe.

Or even a little... Boy April.

Oh, I'm Sandra Dee... O'Connor. Get it? Sandra Dee plus Sandra Day O'Connor? Who's Sandra Dee? Who's Sandra Day O'Connor? Forget it.

And I am the Lamplighter, a character from my new board-game sequel 'Cones of Dunshire: Winds of Tremorrah.' Gameplay Magazine called it 'punishingly intricate.'

All right. Let's play. Really? No.

Granted, I'd just face-planted on my rollerblades. That's what they were laughing at.

Take one of our kids. We don't need all three.

You think that's the only time we had sex? Yes!

But Andy and I are cool already, so our kids will be, like, really lame and weird.

You have kids because you and Andy are a team, and you want to bring in some new team members.

Burt Macklin Jr.? Mm. We need a Halloween angle. How about Demon Spawn Baby Satan Dwyer?

Maybe Burt Snakehole Ludgate... Karate Dracula Macklin Demon Jack-o'-Lantern Dwyer? We call him Jack for short?

Listen to me very carefully. I don't know who you are or what you want, but I have a particular set of skills...

Welcome to the team, little guy.

Will you pretend to be my wife for an insurance scam? But then we fall in love for real! Also, can I have a pair of your gym socks?

It's not for anything weird. It's just a fetish I have.

Don't, don't be suspicious. Don't be suspicious.

Yeah, Yoko had a real killer bod. Just like you.

Can you at least call me Ben? No can do, accounting nerd.

Hey, all my data suggests that the country is definitely trending calzone. Yeah. Ugh. The worst.

Today, Tom Haverford is broke, destitute, and worst of all, swaggerless.

Who could have predicted that the country would run out of beef?

Did you see '10 fast 10 Furious: Tokyo Drift 3?' I did not. No. Well, you might be the only one. It made $2.9 billion.

'Sniper Race Delta: Beijing Inferno.'

But what do we definitely not what to be? A Garry! A Garry! A Garry!

Best wishes. And I mean every word of it.

As president of City Council, I, Councilwoman Brandi Maxxx, star of more than 11,000 adult films in the last two years,

Man, Gayle looks amazing.

They spelled his name wrong on the tombstone. Ah... Close enough.

I had met a guy online, and we started chatting a lot, and I really liked him, but he turned out to be a computer program that a scientist invented to test the gullibility of human women.

He texted me, 'game running into overtime. I'll try and stop by.'

I calculate the cost of my labor at $38.

Don't get emotional, Vaughn. You're embarrassing yourself.

Congratulations. You now own 51% of the Lagavulin Distillery.

I mean, we were workplace proximity acquaintances for many years.

Move. Need the congressman. This is time-sensitive.

Yes. Neither can anyone else.

Did you use an egg donor or give Chris a hall pass for a night? Once again, they are my biological children. Once again, I don't believe you.

Ann, you rainbow-infused space unicorn... Ann, you beautiful, sassy mannequin-come-to-life... Ann, you opalescent tree shark.

Yeah, we know what that means -- More smart room for it.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm out of your league, and you need to move on. What? Sorry. I stopped listening when you called me sugarpea.

I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a Ron. Ha. I'm usually a Tom, but sometimes, I'm a Don.

3% off. Oh, my God. You're too generous, Tom.

A [Bleep] Library?

Hey, babe, for this picture, should I be Burt Macklin, Johnny Karate, or my new character, Sergeant Thunderfist, M.D.?