One Last Ride

Leslie:I want our last day together to be absolutely perfect. We'll start with a sunrise hike, then a picnic lunch with those little sandwiches you love, and we'll end the day watching the sunset from that overlook.

Leslie:And then we'll just sit there in comfortable silence, maybe hold hands, and cry. A lot. Just uncontrollable sobbing. Really ugly crying.

Ben:Why don't we just skip to the highlights of our work history?

Leslie:Skip? Ben, we spent three hours debating whether the coffee machine should go in the break room or the kitchen. That's a highlight.

Andy:Johnny Karate says: believe in yourself, and you can accomplish anything!

Andy:But realistically, I've tried that and it hasn't worked out great.

Gary:♪ Should we get a new coffee machine? (Coffee machine!) / The old one's been here since twenty-thirteen (That's ten years!) / Some say it's broken, some say it's fine / But Jerry's the one who decides in the end, not mine! ♪

Unknown:The idea that Gary could ever have dignity

Leslie:I am going to fix this swing, and I'm going to do it because I want to see Ben's butt.

Leslie:Ten points to Gryffindor! Wait, no. Ten points to the Parks Department!

Leslie Knope:It's called 'A lot of Forms to Love,' like the Beatles song 'A Lot of Love to Love'... wait, no. 'All You Need is Love.' I combined 'forms' with 'for.' Get it?

Leslie:I heard you got kicked out of En Vogue.

Donna:I kicked them out. I was too fabulous.

Donna:They're building something called 'Space Haystack' around the Space Needle.

Joe:I can barely see the Space Needle.

Donna:That's intentional.

Donna:Coffee and marijuana. That's why the Seattle real estate market moves so fast. People are either wired or high, and they're making major life decisions.

Joe:They cut the math club.

Ben:What? That's terrible.

Joe:Yeah, it gets worse. They've cut math entirely.

Donna:Hi, is this Satan? It's your son.

Donna:I'm going to treat yo' self with Joe.

Joe:Wait, what? I'm not on the menu.

Donna:We're going shopping and getting massages.

Joe:Oh. That's... that's nice.

Donna:I started the hoop earring trend in the '90s. Nobody was wearing them, and then I wore them, and now everybody wears them. That was me.

Craig:I'm very zen. I meditate every morning. My mantra is: 'Craig is a virtue. Craig is a virtue. Craig is a virtue.'

Leslie:When Craig first moved in, I thought he was just a little quirky. Then I thought maybe he was a serial killer. Then I thought, you know what, I should probably call the police.

Craig:I'm Craig Middlebrooks, the Parks Department's Multiplayer Rec Coordinator. I'm also an accomplished singer. I have the voice of an angel trapped in the body of a man who has seen some things.

Craig:You know what? I lied. I have thousands of regrets. Including this meal we're eating right now.

Andy:Shotgun!

April:We're just taking the elevator to the fourth floor.

Andy:I know. Shotgun means I get to push the button.

Ethel Beavers:You're a Luddite!

Andy:Agent Macklin here. We've got a situation. A sapphire with the power to restart a historical event. We're talking about a gemstone that could change everything. The president doesn't know about it. Congress doesn't know about it. Only three people in the world know about it, and two of them are dead.

Andy:So we're down to me. And this sapphire. And apparently, it can restart the Civil War.

April:We should make love during the roleplay.

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. Is this real? Are we actually doing this right now?

April:Did you eat all the Halloween candy?

Andy:No! Well, yes. But that's not the point.

Andy:Hey babe, I wanted to talk to you about maybe having a babe soon.

April:Did you just call me babe and then say babe?

Andy:Yeah, I did. Is that weird?

Andy:I want a little April.

April:What?

Andy:A little version of you. A tiny April.

April:That's the creepiest thing you've ever said.

Andy:Okay, what if we had a boy? We could call him Boy April.

Leslie:I'm a sexy cowgirl astronaut! It's a mashup of two iconic American archetypes.

April:What are you supposed to be?

Andy:Yeah, I don't get it.

Leslie:Cowgirl. Astronaut. It's not that complicated.

April:No, I mean what's the reference?

Andy:Is it from something?

Leslie:It's from... imagination. And America.

April:So it's not from anything.

Leslie:Fine. I'm just a girl in a weird outfit.

Ben:I'm going as Kerplunk. You know, the game where you pull out sticks and try not to let the marbles fall?

Ben:I looked up reviews online and one of them said it was 'punishingly intricate.'

Ben:You want to play Cones of Dunshire?

April:No, I was lying.

Andy:There's nothing more beautiful than children laughing and playing together. It just fills me with hope for the future.

Andy:I was so moved by it that I started crying. Those kids were having the time of their lives.

Andy:Turns out they were laughing at me falling off the jungle gym.

Andy:I'm worried we might not be able to have kids.

Ben:Well, if it helps, I have three. I could give you one.

April:Ben and Leslie only had sex once. That's how they got three kids.

Leslie:What? No, that's not how—

April:Yeah. One time. Super efficient.

April:Kids are the opposite of their parents. So if we're cool, our kids are going to be lame.

April:Which is great, because then we won't have to worry about them stealing our friends.

Leslie:You know, April, having children is like expanding your team. You start with just yourself, maybe a partner, and then you add new members who bring fresh perspectives and energy to the group.

April:So you're saying I should treat my potential kids like employees?

Leslie:Exactly! And just like any good manager, you want to make sure you're ready before you expand. You need the right resources, the right support system, and a five-year plan.

Andy:We should pick a Halloween-themed baby name!

April:How about Omen? Or Pestilence? Or we could name him Divorce, so it'll be easier when he leaves us.

Andy:April, no.

Andy:Okay, so I want to incorporate all my personas into the baby name. We got Burt Macklin, FBI agent. We got Travesty, the coyote. We got Johnny Karate, the martial arts guy. So I'm thinking we call him Burt Travesty Macklin Karate Agent Coyote.

April:We're calling him Jack.

Andy:Jack works.

Andy:I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I've acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you change that birth certificate now, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don't, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will make you change it.

Leslie:Welcome to the team, little guy! You're going to do great things. I can already tell you're a go-getter. Look at you, already here, already existing. That's the kind of initiative I love to see.

Jean-Ralphio:Leslie, I need a final favor. Can you help me commit insurance fraud?

Leslie:Jean-Ralphio, no! I can't help you with that.

Jean-Ralphio:Okay, okay. How about you fall in love with me instead?

Leslie:That's not happening either.

Jean-Ralphio:Fine. Will you at least let me smell your socks?

Jean-Ralphio:It's not weird.

Jean-Ralphio:Okay, it's a fetish.

Jean-Ralphio:We're not suspicious! We're not suspicious!

Mona-Lisa:We're not suspicious! We're not suspicious!

Jean-Ralphio:Nothing to see here, we're just two normal people leaving the hospital in the middle of the night!

Mona-Lisa:We're not suspicious! We're not suspicious!

Jamm:Leslie, I got you a parting gift. You know who you remind me of? Yoko Ono. Not because of the music or the art, but because of your body.

Leslie:That's disgusting.

Ben:Hey Tom, can you please stop calling me 'accounting nerd'? Just use my name.

Tom:Absolutely not. That's your name now. You're the accounting nerd. Deal with it, accounting nerd.

Ben:You should add calzones to the menu.

April:Calzones are just pizza that's afraid of its own flavor.

Narrator:Tom Haverford's business ventures had a troubling pattern of failure. But perhaps the most devastating blow came when he was forced to admit he had become... swaggerless.

Narrator:In Tom's mind, poverty was survivable. But a life without swagger? That was truly rock bottom.

Lucy:The completely unpredictable national beef shortage

Tom:I just watched the greatest movie ever made. It's called 'Butt: The Movie.'

Ron:How much did it make at the box office?

Tom:847 million dollars.

Tom:The movie's called 'Danger: Maximum.'

Tom:What should you not be?

Audience:Don't be Gary! Don't be Gary! Don't be Gary!

Tom:I wrote you a little message in the front of this book. It says, 'To Leslie, may your life be as filled with wonder and enchantment as the pages of this book.' You know what that means?

Leslie:No, what?

Tom:Absolutely nothing. I have no idea what I'm talking about. I just wanted to give you a book.

Brandi Maxxx:Yeah, I've been really busy with my film production company. Last month alone I completed 847 movies.

Jerry:Even at Gary's funeral, Gayle's wearing that outfit.

Ben:What's wrong with it?

Jerry:Nothing, it's just... she looks amazing. Gary's in a casket and she looks like she's going to brunch in the Hamptons.

Ron:Well, that's fitting. Gary's name has been misspelled on pretty much every document in this town for the last thirty years. At least they got the dates right.

Shauna:I was talking to this guy online for three weeks. We had so much in common. Turns out he was catfishing me. But here's the thing – he wasn't pretending to be someone more attractive. He was pretending to be someone who liked the same obscure 90s folk music as me. That's what got me. Not the fake photos of him skydiving or whatever. It was the carefully curated Spotify playlist of Neutral Milk Hotel deep cuts.

Woman:He texted me from the altar. He said, 'I can't do this. I'm in the middle of a raid.'

Ron:I've repaired this swing. That'll be $6.

Ron:I don't know what you want me to do here. Crying? Public displays of emotion? It's not gonna happen. I'm leaving because I found a better opportunity, not because I'm going to sit around and feel feelings about it.

Ben:So Ron, if you invest in this emerging spirits portfolio, you could see significant returns in 3-5 years.

Ron:Ben, are you telling me I could own a whiskey company?

Ben:Well, not own it outright, but you'd have a substantial stake in several premium distilleries.

Ron:Which distilleries?

Ben:Including Lagavulin.

Ron:I'm listening.

Ron:Ben is a good friend. We have a professional relationship based on mutual respect and a shared commitment to our work.

Jen Barkley:Sorry to interrupt, but we need to talk about the campaign. Now. Everyone else needs to leave.

Gary:I can't believe I became mayor.

Ron:I know. It's unbelievable.

April:How are your kids so awesome?

Ann:Well, they have good genes. Their father and I—

April:No, no, no. I'm not buying that. You must have adopted them.

Ann:April, I gave birth to them. Twice.

April:That's what you're going with?

Leslie:Ann, you are a beautiful, talented, brilliant, powerful musk ox.

Leslie:You are 40% water, just like the ocean.

Leslie:Your hair smells like a cinnamon-scented candle.

Leslie:You are a champion at the sport of life.

Doctor:Your baby has a large head.

Andy:Smart room!

Tom:I've accomplished more in the last five years than most people accomplish in a lifetime. I'm a businessman, an entrepreneur, a visionary. I've built an empire from nothing.

Donna:Mm-hmm.

Tom:And you know what the secret is? Dedication. Focus. And a willingness to take risks that other men are too afraid to take.

Donna:I stopped listening after you called yourself 'the Sultan of Treats.'

Ron:Tom, I've completed your personality quiz. According to the results, I'm 40% you and 60% Donna.

Tom:Wait, how did you get me? That's impossible.

Ron:Apparently we're more alike than I thought.

Donna:And I'm also a Don? That's redundant.

Tom:That's not how this works!

Tom:I'm offering all my friends and family a special discount: fifteen percent off.

Leslie:Wow, fifteen percent. That's... that's really generous, Tom. I'm going to go ahead and not buy anything.

Leslie:A library named after me? This is the greatest day of my life. I'm going to cry. Happy tears. The best tears.

Andy:So which character should I be for the photo?

April:Be Sergeant Thunderfist, M.D.

Andy:Sergeant Thunderfist, M.D.? That's amazing!

Tom · Ron:Tom's film idea: 'Sniper Race Delta: Beijing Inferno.' — 'I have no idea what it's about, but I have the perfect title.'

Ron:The gift basket from Ben and Leslie to Tom: 'No meat. I checked.' — Ron

Ron · Tom:Ron reads the dedication in the gift basket: 'Tom, Here's to your success! Love, Leslie & Ben' — 'Lesile' misspelled

Tom · Garry:Tom's book talk: running through successful 'types' (Andy, April, Ben, etc.) then 'What do we definitely NOT want to be? A Garry! A Garry! A Garry!'

Tom:Tom's book inscription to the group: 'When I think of success, I think of you. You are a true inspiration to me. I love you. Tom Haverford.' / 'Oh, sorry. That's actually for Kendrick Lamar. Here's yours. "Best wishes."' / 'And I mean every word of it.'

Tom · Garry · Leslie:Tom calling the most powerful man in Pawnee to open a maintenance room — it's Mayor Garry

Garry · Perd:Perd Hapley interviewing Garry after his shock election win — Garry's response: 'Oh, geez. You know what? I have no idea, Perd.'

Brandi Maxxx · Garry:Brandi Maxxx presiding over Garry's swearing-in as 'president of City Council' — introduced as 'star of more than 11,000 adult films in the last two years'

Garry:Garry sworn in for 'the fourth time' — then later 'the tenth time'

Narrator:Garry dies at 100 holding his wife's hand — and they spelled his name wrong on the tombstone: 'Man, Gayle looks amazing.' / 'Yeah, I know.'

Narrator:The Indiana Notary Society's highest honor: 'The 21-Stamp Salute'

Leslie · Shauna:"'Still Swinging: Parks Gang Reunites for One Last Bang.' That's a little dirty." / "Well, it's a headline, Shauna. Sex sells."

Shauna · Leslie:Shauna's romantic history summary: 'I had met a guy online, and we started chatting a lot, and I really liked him, but he turned out to be a computer program that a scientist invented to test the gullibility of human women.'

abandoned woman:Woman abandoned at the altar explains: 'He texted me, "game running into overtime. I'll try and stop by."'

Tom:Tom comforting the sad woman with gum — 'You know what helps me when I'm sad? And I think it might just help you, too. / Gum. My company makes it.'

Tom · Shauna · abandoned woman:Tom and the abandoned woman's wedding — they met five hours ago and are getting married because he gave her gum

Tom:'You got to throw your thing.' — Tom throwing his boutonniere like a bouquet after the wedding

Leslie · Ron:"Not bad craftsmanship, Ron." / "It is perfect craftsmanship."

Ron:"I calculate the cost of my labor at $38. I can send the bill to you?"

Ron:"Don't get emotional, Vaughn. You're embarrassing yourself."

Lon · board member:Ron's brother immediately volunteers to replace him as chairman: 'I'll do it. Anything else?' / 'Again, Lon, not how corporate governance works.'

Ron · Ben:Ron visiting Ben in Washington: 'This city reeks of swampland and government overreach.' / 'Great to see you as always.'

Ron · Ben:Ron invested his gold and portfolio in... the Lagavulin Distillery (51% ownership): 'You now own 51% of the Lagavulin Distillery.'

Ron · Leslie:Ron trying to admit he needs Leslie's help: '...And there are not many people -- I mean, we were workplace proximity acquaintances for many years.' / Leslie: 'Say no more, you big softie.'

Leslie · Ron:Ron: 'You want to stay for dinner? We're having steak.' / '...But we're also hosting several members of the House Subcommittee on Foreign Affairs.' / 'I'll take that steak to go, please, and thank you.'

Ron · Ben:Ron is offered dinner with the House Subcommittee on Foreign Affairs / 'I'll take that steak to go, please and thank you.'

Leslie:Leslie forging Ron's signature: 'I already accepted for you. I still remember how to forge your signature.'

Ron:Ron's speech to park rangers ends with: '...we will get along just fine... Though hopefully not too fine, as I'm not looking for any new friends. End of speech.'

Leslie:"Damn, that food was good! I've said it before, and I'll say it again — Joe Biden knows his way around the seafood risotto."

Leslie:"Someone's been reading my kindergarten dream journal." — Leslie on being asked about running for governor

Ben · Leslie:Ben is also approached about running for governor — the awkward simultaneous disclosure between Ben and Leslie

Ben · Leslie:Ben and Leslie's governor conversation: both pro/con lists are identical; 'The only con of you running would be that I don't get to run, and vice versa.'

Leslie:Leslie wanting the coin to 'eventually make its way into the Smithsonian'

Leslie · Ben · kids:Ben and Leslie's teenage kids blowing them off at dinner: 'Hey, I'm gonna eat in my room because I have to study.' / 'Can we go to Bobby's house and watch the game? Did you finish your homework? Yes. Okay. Don't forget to-- / Be back by 8:00. Bye, Dad. Bye, Mom.'

Ann · Leslie:Ann and Leslie catching up on hair growth pills: 'That's from the pills I was telling you about. / I took some of those, but I don't know. They didn't do anything, and they kind of upset my stomach. / No, no, no. You're supposed to crack them and leave them on your hair overnight, not eat them. / Oh, no. / Well, it's confusing 'cause they're delicious.'

Donna:Donna revealing a massive diamond watch under duct tape on her wrist: 'What's with all the duct tape?' / 'Just because I work for the federal government doesn't mean I have to advertise it to everyone.'

Ron:Ron's reaction to Garry being mayor: 'Yes. Neither can anyone else.'

April · Ann:April to Ann about her kids: 'Your kids are, like, surprisingly awesome. / Did you use an egg donor or give Chris a hall pass for a night?'

Andy · Chris:Andy confuses Chris for 'Chip Traeger': 'Well, there he is. Chip Traeger, you old son of a gun.' / 'Andy, it's Chris.' / 'Is it? Huh.'

Leslie:Leslie's Ann compliments escalating: 'Ann, you rainbow-infused space unicorn... Ann, you beautiful, sassy mannequin-come-to-life... Ann, you opalescent tree shark.'

Chris · Donna:Chris's health watch: 'You are extremely healthy. I do that literally 50 times a day.' / 'Aren't you afraid that thing might give you cancer?' / 'Well, I am now.'

Ron · Andy · April:Ron examining baby Jack: 'Doctor said he has a remarkably large head. Just like his old man.' / 'Yeah, we know what that means — More smart room for it.'

Ben:Ben explaining Cones of Dunshire to someone at the party: 'Oh, it's a common misconception that the Oculus holds all of the power. It's actually the Lamplighter.'

Tom:Tom's talking head to the camera — addressing the camera itself: 'I know you probably imagined us meeting once a year for a rendezvous, but I'm happy... I guess what I'm saying is, I'm out of your league, and you need to move on.'

Tom · Ann:Tom to Ann — completely out of earshot of Donna — telling her he's 'out of her league' and she needs to move on, while she stopped listening when he called her 'sugarpea'

Leslie · Ann:'Ann! Oh, my God. It's happening. It's totally happening. Our kids are falling in love. This is good. Remember, if this is ever gonna work, we have to pretend to disapprove.'

Ann:Ann: 'Ann Arbor, Michigan, is literally the greatest city that I've ever lived in. But Pawnee is better. So we're moving back.'

Tom · Ron:Tom's book quiz: 'I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a Ron.' / 'Ha. I'm usually a Tom, but sometimes, I'm a Don.' / 'Last time I took it, I was a Tom.' / 'What? No! No! No! Take it again! I got to go recalibrate the quiz.'

Tom · Ron:Tom's book quiz: 'I took the quiz in your book about what kind of person I am. I'm a Ron.' / 'Ha. I'm usually a Tom, but sometimes I'm a Don.' / 'What? No! No! No! Take it again! I got to go recalibrate the quiz.'

Leslie:Leslie's toast: 'First of all, I just have to say that all of you in the same room at the same time with your children here, it's like... It's the greatest thing that's ever happened in the history of America.'

Tom:Tom's 'friends and family' deal at his restaurant: '3% off.'

Ron:Ron corrects the citizen's characterization of the swing-fixing team as 'public servants': 'Actually, none of these people works in local government. This is a group of private citizens and one misguided federal employee meddling where she does not belong.'

Donna:Donna: 'Ah. The lighting's all wrong. I'm gonna send you a glamour shot. Just Photoshop me in later.'

April:April: 'I'm not gonna show up in that picture anyway because I'm a vampire.'

Andy · April:Andy's character choice dilemma: 'Hey, babe, for this picture, should I be Burt Macklin, Johnny Karate, or my new character, Sergeant Thunderfist, M.D.?' / 'Where did you get that?' / 'Found it in a sandbox.' / 'Ew!'

Ron:Ron: 'Get on with it. I can't hold this smile forever. I look ridiculous.'