Two Funerals

Andy:Leslie's about to make an announcement, and it's going to be boring as hell.

Andy:So I'm going to make it exciting. I've got a marching band, I've got confetti cannons, I've got a guy dressed as a bald eagle.

Leslie:Andy, what are you doing?

Andy:Making your announcement awesome!

Leslie:I'm just announcing the new community garden initiative.

Andy:See? Boring. But with this setup, people will think it's important.

Leslie:It IS important.

Andy:I know, but nobody cares about community gardens. They care about spectacle. So I'm giving them spectacle.

Tom:Okay, everyone, we're here to make moving announcements. Who's first?

Garry:I'd like to announce my retirement.

Tom:Garry, that's not a moving announcement. That's completely off-topic.

Leslie:Okay, so we have three major problems: the budget shortfall, the flooding in the south quadrant, and Garry's retirement.

Garry:Wait, my retirement is a major problem?

Leslie:Yes, Garry. It's right up there with municipal infrastructure collapse.

Leslie:We're due for some good news.

Leslie:The mayor just died.

Leslie:Garry, why would you say that?

News Reporter:Mayor's body will lie in state in council chambers.

Mayor Gunderson:Citizens of Pawnee, if you're watching this, I am dead. I want you to know that every good thing that happened in this town was because of me. The new library? Me. The park expansion? Me. The low crime rate? All me. However, if anything bad has happened, that is entirely your fault. The pothole on Elm Street? You didn't report it properly. The budget deficit? You spend too much. The decline in property values? You didn't maintain your homes. I was a great mayor, and I regret nothing.

Andy:We need something to begin - an underground dance competition.

Andy:I have no idea how to do it, but I'm assuming you guys do.

Ben:I have mayoral experience from when I was mayor of Ice Town.

April:You drove the entire town into bankruptcy by investing all the municipal funds into an ice skating rink in a desert. It was called Ice Town. You made Ice Town.

Gary:I'm going to notarize the new mayor's documents. This is the most important thing I've ever done.

Leslie:That's great, Gary!

Gary:I know. You could say I'm about to make things... Legally Blond-knope.

Tom:April, I got you these men's loafers. They're very comfortable and very professional.

April:Tom, I'm a woman.

Tom:I know that. These are unisex loafers.

April:No, they're not.

Tom:Well, actually, I think I bought these for myself.

Tom:I was looking at rings in jewelry stores the other day. You know who makes great jewelry? Shia LaBeouf. Yeah, Shia LaBeouf designs jewelry now. Just DO IT. Just buy the ring.

Leslie:You could propose to her at the memorial!

Leslie:Wait, no, that's completely inappropriate.

Andy:The mayor has been in office for like, what, thirty years? That's a long postulence of time.

April:Life is just a series of moments until you die. It's not that bad, actually. You're born, you take some time to figure out what you're doing, then you die. In between, you can do whatever you want, which is nice. But mostly you're just waiting to die.

Andy:April, death is just a natural part of life. But you know what? If we save up enough money, we could get cryogenically frozen, and then in like 200 years, they'll have robot bodies, and we can just keep on balling forever!

April:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Andy:I know, right?

Andy:Wait, so Salvatore's dead? April said he was the strongest man alive!

April:He was. Until he wasn't.

Andy:So what you're saying is... if I want to survive, I should become a barber?

April:That's not what I said.

Andy:No, no, I get it. Barbers live forever. That's why my grandpa kept going to the same barber for 50 years.

Ethel Beavers:I met Mayor Gunderson forty-three years ago at a regional water treatment conference in Indianapolis. We had an immediate connection over our shared passion for municipal infrastructure and... well, other things.

Ethel Beavers:For four decades, I was his closest confidant. His most trusted advisor. The woman he called at three in the morning when he needed to talk about his dreams, his fears, and his marriage—which, as many of you know, was quite loveless.

Ethel Beavers:I stood by him through every campaign, every scandal, every difficult decision. I was there when his wife wasn't. Literally, I was in the room. Many rooms, actually. Hotel rooms, mostly.

Ethel Beavers:Graphic sexual details followed by calling the audience prudes

Ethel Beavers:I loved him for more than sex.

Ethel Beavers:I also loved him for his big, strong...

Ethel Beavers:I love the mayor. He's an animal.

Leslie:What do you want for your proposal?

Tom:I want it to be like an action movie. You know, where the hero defeats the villain and saves the day? Except the hero is me. Tom Haverford. And the villain is... loneliness. I defeat loneliness by proposing to the woman I love. And then there's an explosion. A huge explosion. In slow motion. And I'm walking away from it, not looking back, because I'm cool. And my name appears on the screen in big letters: TOM HAVERFORD. Tom Haverford in... Love. Coming this fall.

Leslie:I need that banner by tomorrow morning or I will personally come to your house and make one myself out of your furniture.

Banner Maker:Okay, okay, I'll have it ready.

Leslie:Thank you. Also, I'm going to need seventeen more banners for next week.

Banner Maker:Ms. Knope, I'm concerned about your banner spending. Have you considered talking to someone?

Leslie:A therapist? I don't have time for that. I have banners to order.

Bobby Newport:How's Leslie doing?

Bobby Newport:Wait, what office were you guys running for again?

Bobby Newport:You know what, it doesn't matter. Politics is so boring.

Bobby Newport:I can't be mayor. I'm going to space next week. I already booked my ticket on Virgin Galactic.

Bobby Newport:Space travel is fascinating. I've always wanted to go to space.

Andy:Well, I'm Buzz Aldrin.

Bobby Newport:Oh, like from Toy Story?

Ron Swanson:I go to the same barber every week. We don't talk much. He cuts my hair, I pay him, I leave. The perfect conversation is about nothing at all.

Ron:Will collect change from the barber's widow

Ron:I consider this wildly unkempt. Like a rock star.

Leslie:I created an elaborate backstory for a one-line role.

Leslie:Bonjour, I am a French woman who does karate.

Tom:What are you doing?

Leslie:You said the main character was French!

Tom:We're replacing you with a stunt double.

Tom:Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to marry me.

Leslie:That action sequence was incredible! The way he jumped through that window, did a backflip, and landed perfectly on his feet!

Jewelry Store Owner:Yeah, that was MY storefront window. And those are MY display cases he landed on. That's $40,000 worth of merchandise!

April:Wait, you're 27?

Ben:That means he was born in... oh my god.

April:We're older than Bobby.

Ben:We've been taking life advice from someone younger than us.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Wait, you're not paying me? I performed!

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:I need five thousand dollars.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Actually, make it ten thousand.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:No, fifty thousand. And a car. A Range Rover.

The Douche:Inappropriate sexual comment with sound effect

April:Being mayor means you have to be nice to people all the time. You're going to get a stress rash, your eye's going to twitch, and you'll develop a drinking problem. But that's the job.

Tom · Stunt doubles:The film shoots a scene with 'stunt double' chaos, with Tom yelling 'Go, my puppets! Go, my puppets! / Fight, fight, my puppets!' while confused crew members execute his commands

Andy:Wait, where do I know you from?

Jeremy Jamm:We're in the same frisbee league.

Andy:Oh right! You're on that team with the awful name.

Jeremy Jamm:That's rich coming from someone on the Disc-Ciples.

Jeremy Jamm:We should turn to Eastern wisdom.

Ron Swanson:I have Eastern wisdom. It's called Scottish whisky.

Jeremy Jamm:Who cuts my hair? Nobody. I have a very close personal relationship with my hair. We communicate on a spiritual level. When it's time for it to go, it just... leaves. It's beautiful, really.

Jeremy Jamm:You hate me, Ron? Well, I don't hate you. I love you.

Ron Swanson:I'm gonna kill you.

April:Wait, did you just call me cool?

Tom:Yeah, I did.

April:Oh. Um. Thanks. That's... cool.

Tom:And just like that, you're awkward again.

Tom:You're cool, April.

April:Thanks. I mean, dope. Radical. That's tight, homie.

Jean-Ralphio:You gotta propose to a lot of women to find the right one. It's like a numbers game, bro. I've proposed to like seventeen women, and I'm still looking for that special lady who says yes.

Ben:Wait, I'm about to become mayor and finally put the Ice Town thing behind me.

Ben:But you know what? Ice Town was actually... it was a formative experience. It taught me resilience, humility, how to fail publicly and come back from it.

Ben:Ice Town made me who I am today. Without Ice Town, I wouldn't be here.

Ben:Jerry, I want to offer you the position of mayor.

Jerry:No. No, absolutely not. I can't do that.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:So you're engaged, huh? That's cool. You know what else is cool? Me. We should hang out sometime. Like, alone. In a dark room.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:I'm not saying I'm a parking ticket, but you've got FINE written all over you.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears. Mostly because they're running away from us.

Mona-Lisa Saperstein:Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? Actually, don't answer that. I'm just gonna stand here.

Unnamed man · Ron:The mysterious stranger offers Ron 'Eastern wisdom' from 'the Isle of Islay in Scotland' — handing him a Scotch whisky.

Ron Swanson:So what do you do for fun, Typhoon?

Typhoon:I'm working on a sculptural series about the existential dread of modern bureaucracy. I'm using only reclaimed wood and the bones of animals I've hunted myself.

April:Berlin is just a bunch of people on bikes complaining about things.

April:So basically it's Portland with a German accent and more history of being divided.

Leslie:I need another banner made, and I need it NOW. This is urgent!

Ron:Leslie, it's a banner.

Leslie:A banner that could change everything, Ron. I need to call in my banner guy.

Ron:You have a banner guy?

Leslie:Of course I do. Just like I have a caterer guy, an event guy, and a guy who knows a guy who can get us permits. Banner emergencies are no joke.

Garry:I can't believe this is happening. Me, Garry Gergich, mayor of Pawnee. After all these years of being ignored and made fun of, I finally get my moment.

Garry:This is the best day of my life. Better than when I won employee of the month at the Parks Department. Better than my wedding day. Better than when my kids were born.

Garry:I'm actually the mayor. The mayor! Me!

Jerry:I'm the king of the world!

Ben · Garry:Ben: 'I can't believe I'm about to be the mayor.' Garry: 'I can't believe I'm about to notarize it.'

Ben · Garry:Ben and Garry's excitement about notarizing the new mayor: 'I can't believe I'm about to be the mayor.' / 'I can't believe I'm about to notarize it.'

Ben · Garry:Ben decides not to be mayor and reflects: 'I like that Ice Town happened, and I don't want to erase it.' / Garry: 'Okay, I wasn't listening to anything you just said. But who is gonna be the mayor for the next two months, then?'

Leslie · Garry:Leslie offers the mayorship to Garry Gergich — who screams 'NO!' in abject terror before presumably accepting

Tom · Lucy:Tom's simple proposal at The Snakehole Lounge: recreating their first date with a daisy, a failed magic trick, and a card pick — Lucy says yes.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Lucy:Jean-Ralphio responds to Tom's engagement by immediately hitting on Lucy: 'So what's your story again? I mean, like, how married are you? You down to clown? You in that rude mood?' / 'Why are you like this?' / 'Pills, baby!'

Donna · Typhoon · Ron:Donna convinces Typhoon (a new barber) to cut Ron's hair by promising it'll take four minutes and cost $8. Ron's only input: she shows him a photo of what he wants to look like.

Typhoon · Ron:Typhoon: 'I'm writing an electronic opera about Brittany Murphy, and I do the chandelier design for my friend's drag puppet show.' / 'No further questions.'

Typhoon · Ron:Typhoon: 'Except lately all the good warehouse raves are filled with Eurotrash.' / Ron: '"Eurotrash," I like that. It is, indeed, a garbage continent.'

Typhoon · Ron:Typhoon complains about Berlin: 'Everyone was on their stupid bikes. I was like, "Ew."' / Ron: 'Please, talk more about how you hate Europe and bicycles.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom: 'I'll see you later, Jennifer Knopez.' / Leslie: 'Catch you on the flip side, Tom-egranate Juice.' / Tom: 'Hey, not bad.'

Tom · Leslie:Tom and Leslie say goodbye with food-pun nicknames: 'Jennifer Knopez' / 'Tom-egranate Juice' — 'Hey, not bad.'

April:April: 'Oh, so glad we're leaving.' (after hearing Garry is mayor)

Leslie:Leslie calls the banner store owner, says 'Ian, thank you so much. It's great. Now throw it out. I need a new one, and I need it in 20 minutes.'

Leslie:'Look, if you didn't want to be on call 24-7 for emergencies, then you should not have gone into the high-stakes world of banner making!'

Garry · Leslie:Garry walks into his office to find a full inauguration party — 'Happy Inauguration Day, buddy.' Garry: 'Oh, jeez, Leslie.'

Garry:Garry's first act as mayor: he starts crying at the podium, finally says 'I'm flying!' while overcome with emotion