Save Jjs

Well, then you leave, Terry. And pay for the cake you already ate.

That was a joke cake I got from the grocery store, to weed out low-quality palates.

Maybe it's because he's my fiancé and I love him, but I kind of like the grocery store one, too.

That's why I'm about to give her a surprise bigger than when LeBron went back to Miami.

Treat Yo' Self. Treat Yo' Self 2017!

I still don't know what's happening. / So, what's happening? / Treat Yo' Self! / Not an answer to my question.

But then, we checked thousands of emails and texts between our customers and their loved ones, and it seemed like people thought we were wrong.

seating is gonna be organized by income and sexual history.

And that, I swear, is the last time that we will be peeking inside your computers.

All we need is a blimp and a decoy blimp.

Okay. For what I hope is the last time, but we'll assume is not the last time, our strategy does not involve blimps.

I am not a spy, and I would never reveal classified information. / Do you have to say that every time? / Yes.

And just like Joey Fatone and Lance Bass, we are totally in sync.

We're in sync emotionally. Stop patting my head.

Let me repeat that because it makes me very horny. C'mon, Knope. $125 million.

Do mine first. In case something happens to you, I wanna make sure I get paid. Looking out for number one. Always smart.

Well, breakups are famously super fun and make everyone feel awesome. So, it's no different.

I literally couldn't care less.

You should come to the wedding and do paperwork.

Stop, you're making this sound almost too fun.

Today is about one thing. Things. Things, Donna! Our favorite.

All I wanted was 25 square miles of land valued at $100 million given to me for free. Is that too much to ask?

Voodoo is still an option.

One place asked me if I wanted kale in my milkshake. My milkshake, you guys.

Was it Putin? Voldemort Putin, of Russia? I'd love to take that bastard down.

Tiny rolled-up scrolls delivered by trained foxes. I'm on it.

Oh, hell, yeah. Blimp time.

That's not true. It's called 'constructing a narrative,' JJ.

I do not like rallies. And based on what I see from this vantage point, I do not like most of you.

Please do not approach me on the street after this event and attempt to talk to me. Our similarities begin and end with this single issue.

Occasionally on my show, we deal with real issues like bullying, peer pressure, or holding in farts.

In those very special episodes, I become Jonathan Karate, the very serious older brother of Johnny Karate.

Well, make it quick. I gotta go pull the plug on my dad in 10 minutes.

I'm gonna turn that place into an elbow art salon and make a killing.

Ladies and gentleman, off to our right, you can see the house that belongs to Bruce Willis and Christina Aguilera.

I would like three big-ass diamonds surrounded by their own set of tiny-ass diamonds.

Treat yo' self.

Psych!

and you can all just sit there pulling on your puds.

Give me your boos! I am nourished by your hatred!

I gotta go kill my dad.

Water makes it worse. Water makes it worse.

Bogdano-delish.

I was secretly hoping you got me the shoes Jaden Smith wears in Hitch 2: Son of a Hitch.

Josh Groban! He's eating his own sushi! That's the most baller thing I've ever seen!

A more accurate name for this place? Medical Waste Butt-Sweat Grove.

This place has everything. Vermin, bullet holes, a hornet's nest.

Oh, my God. Where'd you come from? / The floor hole.

We're losing the cranberry salad, effective immediately!

You've been hoaxed! You've been Tommy-ed!

Are you tripping?

We wouldn't have to hire Banksy.

We wouldn't have to hire Banksy.

Here's a far-out idea that just came to the top of my brainium.

And truthfully, they're all shrooming super hard at Coachella right now.

Left eye. I'm watching porn with my right eye.

You need to tell me if Gavin is pooping. / No, do not laugh, okay? / You're not even Caleb. You're Gavin. You're Caleb.

You need to tell me if Gavin is pooping.

You sat on that news and let me stew here for three hours? / Yup.

I do not approve of this. / Don't care.