Ron And Diane

Merry Congratu-Christmas!

I've had a 'Ron Swanson' Google alert for seven years and it finally paid off

Recently, I made a chair. When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair.

It's been a real whirlwind

This might be the first time I've ever wanted to attend an event

As your self-appointed emotional guardian, it is my duty to love and support you

♪ Jingle bells, jingle yay, jingle good for you ♪

I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more than 80 sushis, I barf

♪ Jerry Dinner ♪ Jerry Dinner

Every time we laugh at something stupid Jerry does, we put a dollar in this box

$516... Aw, jeez! And that's 517

518.

It's not mean if he doesn't know about it. It's like talking about people behind their backs. Everybody wins

That's hilarious. You should do stand-up. If you're kidding, you suck, but if you're serious, I actually have been thinking about it

Hey, April, Matlock called. He wants his cardigan back. Boom! I'm out

Who's Matlock?

This time, the giant spider got caught in my web. Progress

You have Leslie and I have my therapist, Dr. Richard Nygard, who I see 15 times a week

Ron has told me so much about you, in that he has told me your name is Diane, and you exist

Oh, it's Ulysses. I can see why he didn't tell me that

Mary, mother of God. That's Christian Becksvoort!

What are your five biggest hopes, dreams, fears, and regrets?

The time he slipped on a cinnabon and landed in a bunch of garbage

My favorite Jerry moment was when he ate a bowl of glue

My favorite Jerry moment is when you switched out his potato soup with glue and he didn't know

I forgot to put on deodorant. And a jacket and one of my socks. Plus, I gotta poop, but I could stop anywhere for that

Smart, funny, independent, and sexy? Diane Lewis? More like Diane Sawyer

Oh, my God! Jerry's having a Christmas party! I can't believe he didn't invite us. How dare he! What'd we ever do to him?

Remain calm, but I think you just drank some of the regular, full-fat eggnog

No, but it will add exactly 440 calories. But you know what? I'm fine. You only live once

I don't know if you know this, but things with fat in them taste way better than things with no fat. Yeah, Chris-- everybody knows that

She is at the bar right now ordering a Lagavulin, neat for you. I mean, she's even putting up with all this stupid, boring woodworking stuff. I'm sorry, but, you know, it's not the Super Bowl, guys

Hello, you gorgeous craftsmen. Wow, look at this room. So much wood, ready to be worked

Tammy, this is Diane. Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, who is also my ex-wife. Twice ex-wife. We were married twice. And divorced twice

Oh, I just have a little something I need to get drilled

Shouldn't you be at the library, forcing people to borrow books? Leslie, you and I both know that the library closes at 3:00 p.m. Of course it does

This may be the hardest challenge yet for Leslie Knope, emotional guardian. I need to protect a sweet couple from a sex-crazed demon librarian who makes me question my stance on using the 'B' word

What? I don't see any gingerbread cookies. I'm talking about that jacked-up, light-skinned dude. Look like Blake Griffin

There's a buffet-- in the house! I didn't even know you could do that!

I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant

You're so weak, really? I mean, I'm barely even doing anything. Are you iron-deficient? Let me look at your palm

It's because of your man strength, Man Perkins

Sorry, guys. This is your penance. You can come in if you do something nice for Jerry.

It's cold outside, and I can't wear mittens 'cause they're unflattering to my hands

Merry critches, bitches!

I'm your host, Martin Housely, and wow, it's gonna be a great show-- knock on wood

A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my boob and my butt, respectively

Well, you know, they asked me if I would host this event, and I said, 'Wood I?'

Gayle-- you're Gayle? Jerry's beautiful wife... Who looks like that

Well, look who's a silver fox

My, my. Somebody's being a gloomy goose. Yeah. Relax, gloomy goose

♪ Here we go a-caroling, among the leaves so green... ♪

Jerry Filter! Who's Jerry Filter? Unsurprisingly, Jerry sends a lot of annoying emails. So a while ago, I put a filter on all our accounts. Everything from Jerry goes directly to spam

Congratulations on your wedding. I'm rooting for you kids. Jerry. Hope you have the best birthday, Tom. I just tied my high score in Snake

This award is the only one I'd ever give a damn about

I made my first chair when I was five, but the quality of the wood was wanting, so when I turned nine, I used my factory wages to purchase some beautiful local walnut

Uh, thank you... for this... Uh, this all good-- night good. Uh... There it is

Man, maybe going to therapy 1,000 times a week is helping. I mean, if you'd seen that picture a month ago, you would have fallen apart. It's just a picture

You're the one who's been at his side all night. You're the one who's been protecting him, you're the one who knows all the intimate details of his romantic history with that monster... so if there is a threat to my relationship with Ron, it's not Tammy. It's you

You're pro-government, you never stop talking, and you have blonde hair. You're my worst nightmare

Excuse me, one man's 'worst nightmare' is every other man's 'total package'

I know that you secretly love artichokes and plums. Keep your voice down, woman!

He was the young rafting instructor all the girls were into, and I was the young rafting instructor all the guys were into... And then we got together. Ah, so random, right?

If therapy has taught me anything, it's that I need to face my fears, even when my fears are engaged to a man with the chiseled jawline of a young me

So Gayle and Jerry-- I've thought about it a lot. There's no logical explanation

I thought you weren't coming. I--you know, never got your RSVP... we took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, since you almost farted yourself to death

Oh, my God, I am so turned on right now. What is wrong with you?

I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us. Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it. But not France, right? God, no.

I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us. Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it. But not France, right? God, no

A mighty fine holiday evening to you all. It might be cold outside, but it's about to get warm all up in my jazz

I, of course, am Duke Silver, and I would like to dedicate this first song... To my duchess.

Hey, Ron, why don't you get me out of these handcuffs, so I can put you into these handcuffs. Yes, please officer, get her out of those cuffs. I want this to be a fair fight

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