Ron And Diane

Leslie:Ron, I just want to say Merry Christmas, and also congratulate you on your recent accomplishment.

Leslie:So... Merry Congrats!

Leslie:Ron, I have to tell you something. I've been monitoring your online presence for the past seven years.

Ron:What?

Leslie:I have every Google Alert set up. I check the Pawnee Journal archives daily. I have a folder on my computer labeled 'Ron Activities' with 847 documents.

Ron:Leslie, that's deeply disturbing.

Leslie:I know! But it paid off, because I found out about your award nomination before you did, and I'm very proud of you.

Ron:I have won several awards for my woodworking. Mostly from wood shops. One was a ribbon I won when I was nine. It was actually a participation ribbon, but I don't remember that part.

Ron:It's been quite a whirlwind.

Ron:I'm very excited to attend this event.

Ron:I've never wanted to attend any event before.

Leslie:I'm going to the event because I've appointed myself as Ron's emotional guardian. Someone needs to make sure he doesn't just sit in the corner drinking whiskey and judging everyone.

Leslie:🎵 You did a good job, you did a good job, you did a good job today! You came to work and you did a good job! 🎵

Tom:I'm allergic to sushi.

Tom:It only kicks in after I've eaten, like, forty pieces.

Tom:We need to pick a restaurant for tonight.

April:I have a suggestion.

Tom:Let me guess - somewhere to mock Jerry?

April:We actually have a whole song for our cruel Jerry tradition.

Tom:Of course you do.

Tom:They profit from mocking their coworker

Tom:We've collected $47,000 in damages from your mistakes.

Jerry:What?! $47,000?!

Tom:Yep. That's $47,001 now.

Jerry:The relentless counting continues

April:Actually, ignorance is bliss. So technically, we're making Jerry blissful.

Tom:Stand-up comedy? Yeah, I've been thinking about that actually. You know what? Ann's suggestion about Jerry was terrible, but it got me thinking about my whole career trajectory.

Tom:You know what I don't understand? Why do old people drive so slow? I mean, they're running out of time! You'd think they'd be in a hurry. But no, they're doing 35 in a 55. Come on, grandpa, step on it! You might not make it to the early bird special at this rate!

Tom:That's what I call a real 'Who's on First' situation!

April:Wait, what? Who's on first base?

Tom:No, it's a famous Abbott and Costello bit—

April:I don't know who that is. But if nobody knows who's on first, that seems like a management problem.

Andy:I've been keeping a dream journal, and last night I was being chased by a bear. But here's the thing—halfway through the dream, I became the bear. I was the predator.

Andy:That's therapeutic progress, right there.

Andy:Yeah, we should hang out more! I'd love to, but I've got therapy on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays.

Andy:And Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm usually pretty wiped out from therapy.

Leslie:Oh, I've heard SO much about you!

Ron:That's impossible.

Leslie:Ron's middle name is Ulysses.

Diane:Ulysses? That's not embarrassing, that's a great name.

Leslie:I know, right? But Ron hates it.

Leslie:Oh my God, is that... Tom Colicchio? No wait, that's a woodworker. Even better!

Leslie:So Diane, I really want to get to know you. Tell me, what's your biggest fear? Your deepest regret? Do you believe in God? What's your credit score?

April:My favorite Jerry moment was when he tripped over nothing in the hallway and fell into the garbage can. He was just walking, no obstacles, and somehow managed to eat trash.

Tom:Jerry literally ate glue

Tom:I deliberately fed Jerry glue.

Donna:What? Why would you do that?

Tom:He kept eating my lunch, so I thought if I glued his mouth shut, problem solved.

Donna:Tom, that's insane.

Andy:I gotta stop by my place real quick. I need to pick up some stuff, use the bathroom, grab my charger, feed my dog, water my plants, check my mail, organize my sock drawer by color and thread count, call my mom, update my LinkedIn profile, deep clean my shower grout, and honestly I think I might have a small rash developing that I should probably get looked at.

Leslie:Diane is smart, she's accomplished, she's beautiful. She's like if Diane Sawyer and a regular person had a baby.

Tom:What is this? A Christmas party? At Jerry's house? Why wasn't I invited?

Jerry:Tom, you were invited. We all voted and decided we didn't want you here.

Tom:What?! That is completely unfair and inappropriate! I am shocked and appalled by this behavior!

Tom:You know what, I don't even care. I have plenty of other friends who actually appreciate me and my company.

Ben:Yeah, about that eggnog... it contains 47 grams of fat per serving.

Chris:What?! No! I thought you said it was fat-free!

Ben:I never said that. You just assumed.

Chris:Wait, full-fat? How many calories are we talking about here?

Chris:Eight hundred and forty calories per cup? Oh my God.

Chris:But you know what? Life is about enjoying the moment. It's about... it's about being present and grateful for the people around you.

Chris:I need to go to the gym for six hours.

Chris:Wait, this has a lot of fat in it?

Ben:Yes.

Chris:That's why it tastes so good!

Ben:Yes.

Leslie:Diane is amazing. She's so passionate about woodworking, unlike some people who just treat it as a casual hobby.

Ron:I beg your pardon?

Leslie:Oh no, I didn't mean— Ron, you know I think your woodworking is incredible.

Ron:Do I?

Tammy:I'm here to support Ron's woodworking. I see he's really working that wood.

Tammy:Look at how he's stroking that piece. Very impressive technique.

Tammy:I do love watching a man handle his tools so skillfully.

Ron · Leslie:I don't need your approval. / But you have it. / Don't need it. / But you got it.

Tammy II:I'm here because I need a man who knows how to work with wood. Someone with strong hands and excellent tool control.

Leslie:Tammy, why aren't you at work?

Tammy:The library doesn't open until 6 AM.

Leslie:6 AM? That's when normal people are waking up!

Tammy:Exactly. We cater to the serious readers.

Leslie:Tammy is so awful she makes me consider using profanity. I have never used profanity in my entire life. Not once. But Tammy... Tammy makes me want to say... well, I can't even say it in a confessional.

Donna:I'm talking about a gingerbread man. He's got muscles on his muscles. Chest out to here. Abs you could grind corn on. That's what a gingerbread man is.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is this food? Inside? Inside the house?

Andy:This changes everything. We've been doing it wrong our whole lives.

April:I need to get into this party. My house is on fire... but only on the inside. The outside is fine. Actually, the fire is inside the walls. No, wait—the fire is in the space between the walls. It's like a fire dimension that only exists in my house's wall cavities.

April:You're having a panic attack. Also, your core is weak.

Ann:April, you're literally choking me out right now.

April:That's unrelated.

Tom:April is stronger than me because she's been forged in the fires of pure rage and disdain. Ann, on the other hand, has the strength of a thousand Anns. Or as I like to call her: Ann Veal.

Ann:You two can't come in. This party is for people who are nice to me.

Tom:Ann, come on. We brought a gift.

Ann:A gift doesn't erase years of emotional neglect, Tom.

April:We've been nothing but supportive.

Ann:You literally called me 'the human equivalent of a sad desk lunch' last week, April.

Tom:That was a compliment in my mind.

Ann:Well, it wasn't. And you're both staying out here until you understand what you did wrong. Consider this a learning experience.

Tom:Come on, let me in! I'm freezing out here!

Tom:I'm wearing these Italian leather gloves—you think I'm gonna ruin them by putting my hands in my pockets?

Donna:Merry Christmas, ya filthy animals!

Host:Welcome to the Woodworking Awards! Tonight we celebrate the finest craftspeople in the industry.

Host:Let's not beat around the bush—or should I say, let's not beat around the tree!

Tammy II:I got this seat the same way I got everything else in life. I sat on a man's lap until he gave me what I wanted.

Ann · Donna · Tom · Others · Donna:Oh, Donna. You can come in. / Okay. / What? What about us? / What? Donna! / Merry critches, bitches!

Chris:Jerry, your wife is... she's incredibly attractive.

Jerry:Thank you.

Chris:No, I mean... how did you... I'm not trying to be rude, but how did this happen?

Gayle:Oh, you have something on your shoulder.

Gayle:There. Got it.

Gayle:You know, you're actually very attractive.

Gayle:That explains so much about Jerry.

Gayle:Oh, don't you worry, sweetie. Jerry and I have already made all our funeral arrangements.

Jerry:Yes, we're going to be cremated together in a special ceremony we call 'The Snuggle Struggle.'

Gayle:And our ashes will be mixed together in an urn shaped like a heart.

Jerry:We call it our 'Forever Spoon.'

Jerry:Well, folks, we're thrilled to present our family musical extravaganza!

Gayle:We've been rehearsing this for weeks.

Jerry:Our daughters will now perform a medley of their favorite show tunes.

Daughters:♪ We are the Gergich girls, bright and true... ♪

Gayle:Beautiful, girls! Now the big finale!

Jerry:And now I'll join in with my harmonica solo!

April:I've been auto-deleting all of Jerry's emails for years.

Jerry:Hi Jerry, just wanted to say you're doing a great job. Keep up the good work!

Jerry:You're a real asset to the team. I appreciate everything you do.

Jerry:Hope you have a wonderful day! By the way, I just unlocked the 'Friendship' achievement in Candy Crush.

Ron:I'm not going to stand here and tell you that winning this award means nothing to me. Because it means something. It means I made something with my hands that other people recognized as superior craftsmanship. And that's... that's good.

Ron Swanson:I want to thank everyone here tonight. This award means a great deal to me. I've worked hard my entire life, starting with factory wages at age nine.

Ron:I was going to give a speech about... about leadership and... and the importance of... of public service, but I... I can't. I just... I need everyone to know that I've been pretending to care about this job for years, and the truth is... I don't even know what I'm doing half the time, and Leslie's been carrying me, and I'm just a fraud in a suit who likes breakfast foods, and I... I can't do this anymore.

Ben:Wow, you're really handling this well. I'm impressed. Most people would need to see a therapist like three times a week.

Andy:I see a therapist three times a week.

Diane:I understand about Tammy. She's a handful.

Diane:But Leslie? Leslie is the real threat.

Ron:Leslie, we're not compatible. You're too enthusiastic, you cry at commercials, and frankly, your hair color screams 'I make poor decisions.'

Ron:You are my worst nightmare.

Leslie:I'm everyone's worst nightmare. I'm a human wrecking ball of enthusiasm and I will mow you down with optimism and determination.

Leslie:Ron, I know you so well. You like your eggs over easy, your coffee black, and your music played on vinyl records.

Ron:How did you—

Leslie:I've been paying attention for years.

Ron:Leslie, you can't just go around telling people my private dietary and musical preferences. What if someone at City Hall finds out I have feelings about things?

Millicent:We met as rafting instructors. We were both so attractive, and it just seemed so random.

Chris:I saw my ex the other day, and her new fiancé... he's really attractive. Like, unfairly attractive. I mean, I'm not a bad-looking guy, but this guy is like a Swiss watchmaker had a baby with a Olympic swimmer. I'm more like... a competent accountant had a baby with a Chipotle burrito bowl.

Ben:I have no idea how Jerry got Gayle. And I've stopped trying to figure it out.

Jerry:It's okay that you didn't RSVP. I understand you're busy.

Tom:Actually, I got you a gift.

Tom:It's a framed photo of you falling into that fountain at the Christmas party.

Leslie:Give me those keys, Tammy!

Tammy:You'll have to pry them from my cold, dead hands.

Leslie:I'm going to do exactly that!

Tammy:Oh Leslie, this is... this is making me feel things. Stop, don't stop. This is the most alive I've felt in years.

Ron:I have three things that are important to me: my hatred of Europe, my willingness to compromise, and my specific hatred of France.

Ron:I would overcome my greatest fear for Diane. Except France. I'm not going to France.

Ron Swanson:I have something to tell you. I am Duke Silver.

Ron Swanson:Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to slip into something more comfortable.

Duke Silver:Hey there, baby. The name's Duke. Duke Silver. I play a little saxophone, if you know what I mean.

Ron Swanson:Duke Silver is a man of mystery, sophistication, and uncompromising artistic integrity.

Ron Swanson:He exists in a world of velvet, saxophone, and meaningful eye contact.

Ron Swanson:Everything Duke Silver does is for the music. And for the women who appreciate the music.

Tammy:You know what, Leslie? I'm going to enjoy this. Finally, a fair fight.

Leslie:Fair fight? Tammy, you're in police custody. I have a badge, a gun, and I've been taking self-defense classes.

Tammy:So what are you saying?

Leslie:I'm saying if we're going to do this, we do it right. Just you and me. No weapons, no backup. Mano a mano.

Tammy:You think you can take me?

Leslie:I know I can. Because unlike you, I have something to fight for. I have integrity.

Leslie:I need help. I'm being attacked by a woman named Tammy.

Leslie · Ron:I know that you secretly love artichokes and plums. / Keep your voice down, woman!

Ron:Tammy's waiting for me in my car.

Ron:Protect your eyes, she's a gouger.

Gayle · Chris · Ben · Millie · Ben:Chris, I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Carl. / Hi, there. / Hi. How did you two meet? / Whitewater rafting. He was the young rafting instructor all the girls were into, and I was the young rafting instructor all the guys were into... And then we got together. / Ah, so random, right?

Millie · Chris · Carl:Chris, I'd like you to meet my fiance, Carl. / Hi, there. / Whitewater rafting. He was the young rafting instructor all the girls were into, and I was the young rafting instructor all the guys were into... And then we got together.

Chris:If therapy has taught me anything, it's that I need to face my fears, even when my fears are engaged to a man with the chiseled jawline of a young me.

Ben:So Gayle and Jerry -- I've thought about it a lot. There's no logical explanation.

Tammy · Ron:Well, hello there, Big B-- / Gross! Leslie? Where's Ron?

Tammy:Wanna bet? That relationship is weak. All I have to do is find Ron within the next few hours, and he's toast.

Leslie · Tammy · Leslie:Too late, Tammy. Ron's gone. You'll never get him back. / Wanna bet? That relationship is weak. All I have to do is find Ron within the next few hours, and he's toast. / Few hours, you say?

Tammy · Leslie · Tammy:Leslie! Stop this car! Where are we going? / I don't know. / You're gonna regret this!

Tom:Because it's so cold out here, it reminds me of my wife's lasagna.

Ann · Tom · Ann:Well, well, well. You want to come into Jerry's party? And why is that? / I need a place to deliver this baby, Ann. It's coming out of me right now. I'm pregnant. [pause] / This is a lovely party thrown by a lovely man and his lovely family. There's no place for meanies.

Tom · Jerry:Yeah, just -- we took up a collection to pay your hospital bills, since you almost farted yourself to death. Every time we did something mean, we put a dollar in a box. / Wow. I'm the luckiest man on earth.

Leslie · Tammy:[Extended physical struggle between Leslie and Tammy over car keys — wrestling, running, screaming]

Tammy · Leslie:Oh, my God, I am so turned on right now. / What is wrong with you?

Tammy · Leslie:Oh, yeah, tell me you're not feeling this. / You are so crazy! / I got 'em! I got 'em. / No! No! / You'll never catch me! / Come back here -- Ow! / You are not gonna ruin this night! / Get away from this car! / No! What are you doing? You're crazy!

Diane:She just knows you so well, and I was starting to wonder if I was ever gonna get to that point.

Ron:Leslie is a wonderful, loyal friend, who is very important in my life, but I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us.

Ron · Diane:Although, if you'd like to visit Europe, I like you so much, I'd be willing to risk it. But not France, right? / God, no.

MC:Ladies and gentlemen, and especially the ladies, put your hands together for the one, the only, my man, Mr. Duke Silver.

Ron/Duke Silver:A mighty fine holiday evening to you all. It might be cold outside, but it's about to get warm all up in my jazz. I, of course, am Duke Silver, and I would like to dedicate this first song... To my duchess.

Leslie · Diane:You're so lucky. [beat] / I'm going to kill you.

Leslie · Ron:Leslie's reaction watching Duke Silver perform: 'You're so lucky.' / (Ron sees her) 'I'm going to kill you.'

Leslie:I think it's time to officially retire as Ron's emotional guardian. That's Diane's job now, and she seems more than up to the task.

Leslie:I mean, I'd do anything for Ron -- even spend a whole night fighting his crazy ex-wife. But I think I'm safe. She's gotta be tired by now.

Leslie · Officer · Officer:Hi. / Officer Skorggel. / I pulled over a Tammy Swanson for driving erratically. Ran the plates, saw it was your car. Figured it was stolen.

Tammy · Ron:Hey, Ron, why don't you get me out of these handcuffs, so I can put you into these handcuffs. / Yes, please officer, get her out of those cuffs. I want this to be a fair fight.

Leslie · Ron:Officer, did you see any sign of a passenger? [beat] / Ron! / There we go.

Leslie:Help.