The Ballad Of Kenneth Parcell

Narrator:Martin Luther King Day movie trailer parody opening: 'From the director of Valentine's Day and New Year's Eve...' with MLK Day as a romantic holiday

Movie Characters:'Too bad we're just platonic friends.' / 'In the words of Martin Luther King, I've just got to go for it.'

Movie Character:'You're a white supremacist?'

Jack:"She's bigger than Maulik Pancholy on Whitney."

Liz:Liz's ponytail story: Jenna cut off her ponytail because she was jealous of the attention Liz was getting — on Liz's own birthday.

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'You have a power that I don't. Besides the greatest power of all?' Liz: 'The ability to gestate life.'

Jack:'For what it's worth, CIA analysts have confirmed that she is, indeed, keeping it tight.'

Jack:'With texting and email, a multi-million dollar system of pleasure slaves is no longer needed.'

Liz:Liz: 'He always scratches that weird part of my back that I can't reach.' [Beat, then scratch noise, then Liz gasping 'Oh! That's the business! Now who's in charge, winter dryness?'

Jack:'much like that memoir Reagan wrote the week before he died. It's...scattered.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'Well, now I think we're just talking about your thing.' Jack: 'You tricked me.'

Tracy · Dotcom:Tracy's birthday invitation reads 'Give to charity please, no presents' — he meant 'Give to charity? Please, no. Presents!'

Dotcom:'You already have everything. I mean, you just bought Kareem Abdul-Jabbar's bones, and he's not even dead.'

Tracy:Tracy alone, staring, with a 'depressed thoughts CD' playing in the background — contemplating mortality

Tracy:Tracy needs 'time alone to think... about mortality.' — pause before 'about mortality'

Jenna:'Did you hear about how my fecalist murdered my kabbalist?'

Jenna:Jenna has leeches on her face — 'They're good for your skin, and I've lost tons of blood weight.'

Jenna:Jenna invokes Demi Moore as justification for leeches: 'Plus, it makes P.E.T.A. furious, and if P.E.T.A. doesn't love you or hate you, you're a nobody, like a soldier, or a teacher.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'You know, with my fecalist in jail, I can eat whatever I want today. Maybe we could go to Outback... I'm going to call ahead and make sure we're in Darryl's section.'

Tracy:Tracy's 'depressed thoughts CD' plays: 'What is the meaning of...' while Tracy sits despondently

Tracy:Celia's bakery is on the corner of 'Malcolm X Boulevard and Guy Who Shot Malcolm X Boulevard.'

Tracy · Dotcom:Dotcom: 'I wanted for nothing as a child, but that brings its own challenges.' Tracy: 'Shut up, Dotcom.'

Tracy · Dotcom:Dotcom: 'You've got a family.' Tracy: 'Great, another thing that I've already got. Thanks for making this situation worse.'

Jenna or Liz:'If you eat four, you get a T-shirt. So one more, and that's two T-shirts.'

Jenna:Jenna: being photographed is 'like a cage. And not the fun kind where you dance while U.S.C. football recruits throw hot coins at you.'

Liz:Jenna asks Liz if she wants to be famous. Liz answers: 'Naturally. Always.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna's plan: Liz poses as a Tampa tourist and PETA throws paint on her as the 'leech abuser'

Jenna:Jenna to photographer: 'Make sure you get the Outback sign in the shot or I don't get paid.'

Jack:Jack: 'I have good news and I have bad news. The bad news is I am shutting down the page program. The good news is for a different group of people.'

Pages · Kenneth:Pages chanting 'Dalton! Dalton! Dalton!' over Kenneth — Dalton is established as the 'most popular page'

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth begins the John Henry story; Jack cuts him off: 'We all know about John Henry, Kenneth. It's just a story.' Kenneth: 'Well then, I know about another story that turned out to be true.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's 'virgin birth' story turns out to be about his sister and nephew Lyle who has a learning disability.

Jenna · Liz:Liz: 'You look like I do right now.' Jenna: 'That is psychopath behavior.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'We became friends because I felt bad for you, standing alone at that party like a loser.' Liz: 'Yeah, 'cause I really wanted to talk to the girl who was wrestling in a kiddie pool full of lube.'

Liz:Liz: 'Derek thought I was a guy, and I didn't want to ruin what was happening between us.'

Jenna:'God, I wish my first roommate hadn't died of old age. Then you wouldn't have moved in, and I wouldn't have wasted 15 years of my life trying to make you feel better about yourself.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna: 'The back of your neck does look weird.' Liz: 'Why would you say that? You know I can't see it.'

Jenna:Jenna's new celebrity friends: 'Charlie from Charlie bit my finger' and 'Knob Kardashian'

Liz:Liz: 'I've got a new bestie too, and her name is something cool, like Sam, and she does web design, maybe, and I haven't met her yet.'

Liz:'Look out, New York, Liz Lemon is 41, covered in paint, and looking for a new best friend.'

Kenneth:Famous pages list: Steve Allen, Regis Philbin, Ted Bundy, Richard Ramirez, John Wayne Gacy.

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'It's hard not to take that personally, sir.'

NotKenneth (robot):NotKenneth responds to Kenneth's 'Why Jack why?' with: 'Why Jack Why is a 2002 episode of Will and Grace in which Jack, Sean Hayes, chooses between two YMCAs. Featuring guest stars: Daniel Day-Lewis as gay benchpress guy.'

NotKenneth (robot):NotKenneth: 'Dam You. A beaver goes to college in this 1987 anima...'

Jenna:Jenna's celebrity gathering: Charlie Bit My Finger, Knob Kardashian, 'Mankind,' and 'Mr. Socko'

Sue · Liz:Sue: 'I hope you dream of your death.' — to Liz, after Liz clarifies she was asking about movies

NotKenneth:NotKenneth: 'TGS is a sketch show known for popular characters like... Error. Error. Error. Error.'

Jack · Toofer · Phillie Phanatic:Scotch fountain, Phillie Phanatic: 'Toofer, put that glass down. That scotch fountain obviously was not meant for you. Phillie Phanatic, get away from him.'

Jack:'Lance Ito, you're out of order! Line!'

Lutz · Jack:Jack tries to blame the gift mix-up on 'the machines.' Lutz: 'Ha! It was Jack! Guys, Jack makes dumb mistakes. He's just like us. He's no better than I am. He's just got a suit.'

Jack:Jack: 'No, I am better than you, Lutz.' — then immediately: 'Someone else is to blame, and I will find him or, more likely, her.'

Jack · Lutz:Jack: 'He looks scared, like Lutz on an escalator.' Lutz: 'Twinsies!'

Unknown celebrity guest:'Honey, I don't think that was Madame Bovary, I think it was Madame Ovary.'

Unknown:Response: 'Oh, no, you went there.'

Liz:'Man, do my feet hurt in heels sometimes, and other things that women talk about.'

Celebrity Women:Karaoke origin story: all three women picked the same song, all went on stage, 'Everybody was like, what? And then we were like, What you want? Baby, I got it.'

Liz:Liz: 'But where does Liz Lemon go when she's out on the town? To the Barnes & Noble bathroom.'

Liz · Amy:Liz bangs on the bathroom stall: 'Occupied! God.' Liz: 'I know it is. By my new best friend.'

Hank:Hank: 'I drove all the way up here from Philadelphia listening to Garrison Keillor and just getting psyched for a fun day.'

Hank:Hank: 'Oh, really? Was it invisible?' after Jack claims to have sent a businessversary gift

Hank:Hank: 'Hey, we all make mistakes. Like farting when you're talking to three people.'

Hank:Hank: 'No, a mistake is something a man does, like going to war without a reason, or executing a simpleton. What Jack did is a whoopsie-daisy, like a baby or a woman would do.'

NotKenneth (robot):NotKenneth: 'My Fault. A short-lived NBC game show in which homeless people won money by confessing to crimes they didn't commit.'

Jenna · Charlie Bit My Finger · Knob Kardashian · Mankind:Jenna's celebrity circle argues about whose 'me' is being prioritized: 'We're not doing your things, we're doing my me things.' 'You mean me, right?' 'Me.' 'Me?' 'You're all using that word wrong.'

Liz:'I hate it when they put the movie poster on the cover of the book that the movie is based on. Let me imagine what Peeta Mellark looks like, and how his arms smell of bread.'

Liz · Amy:Liz and Amy's instant friendship over shared food neuroses: 'I don't trust Sushi, Mexican gives me gas, I already had a bloomin' onion today... Ethiopian is out because I don't want to see a man with a beard eat with his hands... And nothing family style. Why is family a selling point? Look at the state of the American family.'

Amy:'Not something we'll ever have to worry about at our age.'

Liz · Amy:'I saw a headline about those amoebas that eat your brain, but I didn't read the article.' Amy: 'Well, you didn't have time. Our lives are half-over.'

Amy · Liz:Amy: 'I saw a headline about those amoebas that eat your brain, but I didn't read the article.' Liz: 'Well, you didn't have time. Our lives are half-over.'

Liz:Liz: 'You're supposed to be so vacant and self-absorbed that you just let me vent without piling on.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I already have a room full of old black women.' [offered as a reason he doesn't need to find a reason to live]

Celia Monroe's nursing home resident:Nursing home residents: 'We're all sleeping with Carl, because he has the most puzzles.'

Tracy · Dotcom:Tracy: 'Why didn't you just tell us back in your dressing room?' Dotcom: 'Because showing is better than telling, and my schedule is light this week.'

Jenna:Jenna: 'I never should have treated you the way I did, Liz. I need someone who has so little going on in their life, she lets me get all the attention.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz: 'And I need someone in my life who doesn't listen to a word I say.' Jenna: 'Thank you, I just got it cut.'

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth to Jack: 'I was wrong. I do need you.' Jack: 'You had me at I was wrong, I do need.'

Jack:Jack: 'I can replace just about everything you do, but no machine could ever be the human wastebasket that I dump my stupid mistakes into.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'Dump, sir. Dump all over me.'

Jack · Lutz:'You thumb with a wig, those gifts were supposed to go to the 60th floor.' / 'Good job, Jack. Blame it on an albino. Classic, 'cause it works.'

Tracy:Tracy opens birthday presents, keeps saying 'I already have this' and 'I definitely don't need that' — escalating dissatisfaction

Tracy:Tracy opens presents and keeps saying 'I have that' and 'I already have this' and 'I definitely don't need that' — ending with a genuine moment of finding something he doesn't have