Aunt Phatso Vs. Jack Donaghy

Jack:Jack: 'Why am I suddenly an object of derision in your community? I've championed diversity on NBC. I mean, we've got football. That's pretty black, right?'

Jack:'Gabe, Google: Jack Donaghy and black laughter.'

Tracy (as Aunt Phatso) · Leslie Van Vondervann (as Jack Donaghy):The Aunt Phatso movie clip: Jack Donaghy villain threatens to turn the community center into a garbage dump unless they raise $25,000 in two days.

Hazel:Hazel: 'I accidentally wore my tap shoes today. Well, might as well do my act.'

Jenna:Jenna recites what she said the last time Hazel tried to audition: 'Aah, who's there? Please don't hurt me. The safe's in my children's room.'

Hazel:Now imagine I'm wearing underwear.

Jenna:Jenna: 'Why don't you make like a woman driver and get lost?'

Hazel:Hazel's comeback: 'I'd rather make like the father I never had and stay.'

Kenneth · Unknown (likely Frank or Lutz):Kenneth mentions someone 'sucks on old baby wipes to get the alcohol out of them' — and someone in the room immediately responds 'Who does that? That's my thing!'

Hazel:Hazel's 'time bomb' comeback: 'Well, you know what else ticks? A time bomb. So, yeah, Jenna, tick tock.'

Liz:Liz's bunion backstory: 'The podiatrist said the only possible explanation is that one of my ancestors mated with a dinosaur.'

Writer (likely Frank):The writers' explanation for not writing anything: 'Liz, we spent a long time trying to come up with a good excuse for why we didn't write anything, but we failed.'

Liz:Liz: 'They had to saw me out of my sneakers... I need quadruple-bunion surgery... I would stomp off right now, but my doctor says I need to walk like this.'

Jack:Jack watching Liz shuffle away: 'Delightful... Charlie Chaplin. You have the moustache and everything.'

Tracy:Tracy walks into Jack's office wearing Aunt Phatso costume and asks 'What's the matter, Jack Donaghy? Did somebody accidentally swing a wrecking ball...'

Jack:Jack: 'A foot illness or fell running for food?' — diagnosing why Liz is limping.

Liz:Cerie errand story: 'The one time I did send her on an errand she met some guy who flew her to Paris, and then she started modeling. And then she ended up being the reason why the French soccer team did so badly in the 2010 World Cup.'

Tracy:Tracy to two white men: 'Get me a black coffee, by which I mean, a Sunkist.' When they object, he says: 'I don't see race, you white bastards.'

Aunt Phatso character:Movie clip: 'Jack Donaghy, don't you know in this neighborhood you got to take your tires with you?'

Tracy:Tracy: 'That's Leslie Van Vondervann. He used to be on Knots Landing. My twin is dead.'

Jack:Jack: 'After all I've done for you... I've brought you back from the dead and revived your career. And this is how you thank me? You will respect me. And you will respect these boobies.'

Jack Donaghy · Tracy Jordan:'Oh, it's terrible.' / 'We made $50 million... In Atlanta.'

Jack:Jack: 'I want every DVD of this movie removed from stores, burned, and melted into a statue of you apologizing to me.'

Jack:Jack: 'The only statue that movie will be turned into is an N.A.A.C.P. shame award.'

Pete:Pete: 'Hey, is there another one of these coming out? Because I think I saw an ad for it in Urban Butt magazine. They have an excellent word jumble.'

Tracy:The sequel title: 'Tracy Jordan's Aunt Phatso's Jack Donaghy's We At It Again.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'You can't order me around. Who do you think I am? Liz Lemon?'

Jack:Jack's counter-response: 'I will not have you talk to me like I'm some kind of Liz Lemon.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Whatever. I'll speak at both your funerals.'

Tracy · Jack:Tracy: 'Typical Jack Donaghy, giving me no respect. I'm the CEO of my own company. I'm rich. I'm just like you!' / Jack: 'Just like me? I went to Princeton. I neglected a tiger. I'm on the board of the New York Philharmonic.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I'm friends with Phil Harmonic, the worst rapper of all time.'

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'Think about that during your five-night appearance on Watch What Happens Live.' / Tracy: 'No! Andy Cohen is so catty!'

Jack (or interviewer) · Kenneth:Kenneth confessional: 'So tell me about your day, Kevin. I mean, Todd.'

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'This morning Miss Lemon had one of her meltdowns.' / Interviewer: 'About what?' / Kenneth: 'Because she can't balance work and personal life. But I mean, after seven years and hundreds of these episodes, it's like, let's move on.'

Hazel:Hazel, offering coffee: 'I wasn't sure how you take your coffee, so mouth or enema?'

Hazel · Liz:Hazel: 'I know you're trying to get pregnant because I think about it all the time. You on top, your hair whipping around.'

Hazel:Hazel: 'But what if you do have a kid and you have to leave work because your daughter shot her choir teacher's husband? I mean, that's the kind of stuff my mom had to deal with.'

Hazel:Hazel reveals a mini-freezer 'full of candy bars so cold they'll crack your jaw, you bitch.'

Liz:Liz: 'You got it unstuck from the chair!' — reacting to Hazel successfully washing her sweatshirt.

Philharmonic Announcer:Philharmonic announcement: tonight's Debussy and Rachmaninoff program will be replaced with 'a four-hour rendition of the theme song from Sanford and Son.'

Hazel:Hazel got Liz's health plan to cover surgery by learning 'what to say to them, like their children's names and what they wore to school today.'

Hazel:Hazel's gymnastics backstory: 'I was good until I hit puberty and the coaches said I got too pregnant.'

Hazel · Jack · Liz:Hazel performing as Liz's assistant: intercepting Jack on the intercom — 'Get off this channel! This is a military frequency.' / Jack: 'Jack Donaghy to see Liz Lemon.' / Hazel: 'A Mr. Donaghy here for you.' / Liz: 'You can go in.'

Liz:Liz describing her post-surgery feet: 'Right now, my feet are kind of like babies. I have to swaddle them, and they need ointment, and, like, six times a day brown stuff comes out of them.'

Liz Lemon:Liz describes her bandaged feet like babies: 'Right now my feet are kind of like babies. I have to swaddle them, and they need ointment, and, like, six times a day brown stuff comes out of them.'

Jack:He ruined a wonderful evening at the Philharmonic, paying them to play the same song over and over again for hours. ♪ I can't remember... I can't remember what it was.

Jack:Jack describing Tracy's philharmonic revenge: 'He ruined a wonderful evening at the Philharmonic, paying them to play the same song over and over again for hours. ♪ I can't remember... I can't remember what it was ♪'

Jack:Jack compares letting go of the feud to 'using Mick Jagger to lure Roger McGuinn and David Crosby to my birthday party.'

Jenna:Jenna to Kenneth: 'I take in 50 calories a day and I'm using them all up just trying to help you.'

Tracy:Tracy enters Jack's meeting: 'No, thank you. I prefer to lie down.' / Presents lawyers: 'One is German, one is Japanese. And you don't bring these guys together to play Patty-cake. This is war.'

Jack:Jack: 'War's my favorite card game. And I win about half the time.'

Tracy Jordan:'Bad news, Jack. War's my favorite card game. And I win about half the time.'

Tracy's Lawyer:Tracy's lawyer: 'Everything Jack Donaghy does in the movie, I've seen you do in real life.'

Jack · Tracy:I'm gonna take every Penny you have. / Not the ones I've swallowed.

Jack:Jack admits to cancelling Tracy's 'Uncle Tracy's Black Teletubbies Rip-off' because 'like you, it was overly sexual and impossible to understand.'

Jack Donaghy:'It was my Saturday morning kid's show, Uncle Tracy's Black Teletubbies Rip-off. I cancelled it because, like you, it was overly sexual and impossible to understand.'

Tracy (as Aunt Phatso):'Grabalujah!' — Tracy's exclamation during the 'Aunt Phatso' wheelchair ramp scene.

Tracy (as movie Jack Donaghy):Tracy: 'I bought all the wheelchair ramps in this city. And I'm turning them into more profitable stairs!'

Jack · Tracy's Lawyer:Jack: 'When have I ever verbally accosted an old woman in a wheelchair?' / 'Liz Lemon, 20 minutes ago.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'You're right. I put that [orphanage scene] in just to have a part in there for a little girl in my movie. I'm Willow Smith-ing my daughter. Her album drops next week. Christmas. Blankie.'

Jack Donaghy:'That is what she said.' (Jack, responding to 'the climax of this monstrosity')

Jack:Jack: 'Checkmate. Game, set, match. Rumbledy-goo... which is what you say when you win in polo.'

Jenna:Jenna pretending to listen to Kenneth: 'You're doing amazing. I wish you could see how sexy your listening face is. For Halloween, you should go as a slutty ear.'

Jenna:Kenneth starts talking; Jenna immediately begins singing a song about herself listening, drowning him out

Hazel:Hazel: 'Oh, I would slap you if I didn't think it would lead to a kiss. This is about priorities. What if those feet were real babies? Would you walk on them to work? What kind of mother are you, you beautiful monster?'

Hazel:Hazel: 'Criss calls it [the sweatshirt color] 'old-timey football.''

Liz:Hey, is that me? Okay, no, that can't be... Oh, brother, that's me!

Hazel · Pete:Hazel's plan unravels: Pete is playing an OLD episode on the feed instead of the live show, while Hazel is about to put herself in the cold open.

Liz:Liz, stranded on the couch in post-surgery state: 'Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing.'

Liz:Liz falls off the couch trying to get to the show — physical comedy of her struggling in post-surgery state.

Liz:Liz wakes up disoriented: 'Oh, Pete roofied me.'

Hazel:'Oh, where am I? Oh, Pete roofied me.'

Pete:Pete defends using Hazel, citing an email from Liz: 'P-Dog, let's use Hazel in the cold open. Don't call me about this. Catch you on the flippy-floppy.'

Liz:Liz: 'You people killed my foot babies. My foot babies died because of this show!'

Hazel:Hazel: 'You can't fire me. You don't even know my real name.'

Jenna:Jenna, confronted by Kenneth about what Hazel told her: 'Oh God, what do I do? Help me, me. This one's on you, bitch.'

Liz:After all the chaos — Liz says 'Oh, yeah. They didn't write anything.' — the show goes live and the writers have nothing.

Jack Donaghy · Tracy Jordan:Tracy arrives to give Jack an invitation: 'I thought you'd be at home licking your wounds.' / 'No, that's why they put that cone on me.'

Tracy · Jack:Tracy's genius trap: donating Aunt Phatso movie profits to the orphanage so that shutting down the movie ACTUALLY closes the orphanage — the movie IS libelous because Jack would close an orphanage.

Jack · Tracy:Jack: 'That's... genius.' / Tracy: 'You win, Tracy. You bested Jack Donaghy. Now you finally respect me. And that's all I ever wanted.'

Leslie Van Vondervann (as movie Jack):Movie reveal: in the end of Aunt Phatso, Jack Donaghy character says 'You win, Aunt Phatso. You bested Jack Donaghy. Now you finally respect me. And that's all I ever wanted... Except maybe that hot little body of yours.'

Jack:Jack: 'Great Caesar's ghost!' — reacting to movie-Jack's advance on Aunt Phatso.

Jack:Jack: 'Hm. Our thing sure is playing out just like the movie.'

Liz:Liz's crisis: 'I will never be able to have a family and work at TGS. It's just not possible.'

Jack:Jack: 'Don't ask me. Tracy's the genius here.'

Tracy:Tracy's wise woman advice: 'Respect these boobies!'