Aunt Phatso Vs. Jack Donaghy

unknown character · Jack:Hold on. Your name is Jack Donaghy? That's hilarious.

unknown character · Jack:Now say, 'don't talk to me like that. Don't you know who I am?' / I will not say that because you just ruined it.

Jack:I've championed diversity on NBC. I mean, we've got football. That's pretty black, right?

unknown character:I'm laughing because Jack Donaghy is the bad guy from Tracy Jordan's Aunt Phatso movie.

movie Jack:Well, unless you can come up with $25,000 in just two days, I'm turning this community center into of my garbage dumps. Ooh, damn you, Jack Donaghy.

Hazel:Aah, this is so embarrassing. I accidentally wore my tap shoes today. Well, might as well do my act.

Hazel:Now imagine I'm wearing underwear.

Hazel:'Aah, who's there? Please don't hurt me. The safe's in my children's room.'

Jenna:Why don't you make like a woman driver and get lost?

Hazel:'Cause I'd rather make like the father I never had and stay.

Hazel:For instance, someone here sucks on old baby wipes to get the alcohol out of them.

unknown character:Who does that? That's my thing!

Hazel:Well, you know what else ticks? A time bomb. So, yeah, Jenna, tick tock.

Liz:The podiatrist said the only possible explanation is that one of my ancestors mated with a dinosaur.

Pete:Who are we to stay what anything is?

Frank/Toofer:Liz, we spent a long time trying to come up with a good excuse for why we didn't write anything, but we failed.

Liz:They had to saw me out of my sneakers.

Jack:Delightful... Charlie Chaplin. You have the moustache and everything.

Liz:I have heard you say, 'guard, seize him.'

Jack:That was at a Knicks game. They needed to stop the clock.

Jack:A foot illness or fell running for food?

Liz:Although, the one time I did send her on an errand she met some guy who flew her to Paris, and then she started modeling. And then she ended up being the reason why the French soccer team did so badly in the 2010 world cup.

Tracy:Get me a black coffee, by which I mean, a sunkist.

Tracy:'Cause I don't see race, you white bastards.

movie character:Jack Donaghy, don't you know in this neighborhood you got to take your tires with you?

Tracy:Fourth of July weekend. I wrote, directed, and did all of the makeup myself.

Tracy:Oh, it's terrible. We made $50 million... In Atlanta.

Tracy:That's Leslie Van Vondervann. He's used to be on 'knots landing.' My twin is dead.

Tracy as Aunt Phatso:And you will respect these boobies.

Kenneth:Because I think I saw an ad for it in Urban Butt magazine. They have an excellent word jumble.

Jack:I will not have you talk to me like I'm some kind of Liz Lemon.

Jack:Just like me? I went to Princeton. I neglected a tiger.

Tracy:I'm friends with Phil Harmonic, the worst rapper of all time.

Tracy:No! Andy Cohen is so catty.

Hazel · Kenneth:Well, this morning miss Lemon had one of her meltdowns. Really? About what? Because she can't balance work and personal life. But I mean, after seven years and hundreds of these episodes, it's like, let's move on.

Hazel:And I wasn't sure how you take your coffee, so mouth or enema?

Hazel:But what if you do have a kid and you have to leave work because your daughter shot her choir teacher's husband?

Hazel:No. I got you a mini-freezer, full of candy bars so cold they'll crack your jaw, you bitch.

Hazel:Sisters helping sisters. Glass ceiling. Legitimate rape.

Liz:You got it unstuck from the chair!

announcer:So please enjoy a four-hour rendition of the theme song from Sanford and Son.

Hazel:You just need to know what to say to them, like their children's names and what they wore to school today.

Hazel:Until I hit puberty and the coaches said I got too pregnant.

Jack · Hazel:Jack Donaghy to see Liz Lemon. Get off this channel! This is a military frequency.

Liz:I mean, right now, my feet are kind of like babies. I have to swaddle them, and they need ointment, and, like, six times a day brown stuff comes out of them.

Liz:You're beautiful babies, yes you are.

Jack:Get two birds with one stone, like when I used Mick Jagger to lure Roger McGuinn and David Crosby to my birthday party.

Jenna:I take in 50 calories a day and I'm using them all up just trying to help you.

Tracy:One is German, one is Japanese. And you don't bring these guys together to play Patty-cake.

Tracy:Bad news, Jack. War's my favorite card game. And I win about half the time.

Tracy:Not the ones I've swallowed.

Tracy:It was my Saturday morning kid's show, Uncle Tracy's black teletubbies rip-off.

Tracy:I cancelled it because, like you, it was overly sexual and impossible to understand. Grabalujah!

Jack:That is what she said.

Tracy:I'm Willow Smith-ing my daughter. Her album drops next week. Christmas Blankie.

Jack:Checkmate. Game, set, match. Rumbledy-goo... Which is what you say when you win in polo.

Hazel:For Halloween, you should go as a slutty ear.

Kenneth:♪ Jenna is listening ♪ listening like the sun in the sky ♪

Hazel:What if those feet were real babies? Would you walk on them to work?

Liz:Aah! Josh, help me!

Hazel:Criss calls it 'old-timey football.'

Hazel:Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing.

Liz:I'm sorry, babies.

Hazel:Oh, Pete roofied me.

Pete reading email:'P-Dog, let's use Hazel in the cold open. Don't call me about this. Catch you on the flippy-floppy.'

Liz:My foot babies died because of this show!

Hazel:You don't even know my real name.

Hazel:This one's on you, bitch.

Kenneth:I am just a co-worker who would do anything for any of you at any time. Nothing more!

Tracy:No, that's why they put that cone on me.

Jack:That's... genius.

Jack:Great Caesar's ghost!

Tracy as Aunt Phatso:Respect these boobies!