Theres No I In America (2)

Liz:'No! I need a Previously on!' followed immediately by a character doing a straight 'Previously on 30 Rock' recap

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'Going somewhere, Lemon?' Liz: 'Nothing. Dammit!'

Kenneth · Liz:'I need you to marry me so I don't get sent back to Canada! Really? Now you have a thing?'

Unknown:'Don't know why I'm so worried about bringing my marble collection to work.'

Unknown:'Butterfingers!' — marbles spill everywhere

Unknown:'Why do we have that?' — reaction to some absurd prop/visual in the office

Jenna:'Jacksonville's naming their new airport Sized strip club after me. No bottoms!'

Liz:Liz fails to name a single Obama accomplishment: '...the stuff Obama's been doing! Like, uh...' [beat] 'The one with the guy? It was at night, and I feel like he was standing near a fence...'

Jack · Liz · Jack:'This country needs Mitt Romney.' / 'Like it needs a hole in the head!' / 'A head has five holes, and they are all needed.'

Jenna · Jack/Liz:'Because there's no "I" or "me" in "America."' / 'There's both.'

Jenna:'If I'm gonna get political, it's gonna be to build a better country for Jenna Maroney. Someone who respects the human fetus and recognizes its value as a hair volumizer.'

Liz · Jenna · Jack · Liz:'Like debate?' / 'Like DeBarge? I love DeBarge!' / 'No, Jenna, I said --' / 'I love DeBarge too, Jenna.' / 'Point, Jack.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's absentee ballot backstory: 'Until this year, I wasn't allowed to vote because Reverend Gary said choosing is a sin. But then Reverend Todd said, "Reverend Gary is dead! Long live Reverend Todd!"'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Voting is a great American tradition. Like laziness or, eh...' [trails off, implying he can't think of another example]

Kenneth:'The Parcells have been in this country since we went berserk and murdered everyone at Roanoke.'

Kenneth · Tracy:Kenneth: 'Like how you must have felt four years ago when you finally got to vote for a president who looks like you.' Tracy: 'Black Shrek ran for president?'

Tracy:'I forgot about that half-nerd.'

Tracy · Kenneth:'Probably because I get all my news from social media. And I've been banned from all social media.' / 'You have? Why?' / 'Someone has to be the first person to make a joke after a celebrity dies.'

Tracy · Kenneth:'I guess I was a little "too soon" with Andy Griffith.' / 'What did you say?' / 'I can't unhear it! I can't unhear it!'

Dot Com:Dot Com enters saying 'Happy Election Eve! Obama 2012! The first African-American president ever to be up for re-election. Whoo!' / 'Historical!' [sic]

Pete:Pete's karaoke analogy for why no one will be as excited about Obama's re-election: 'It's like when you do karaoke, and everyone's like, "That was a really good American Pie, Pete. You knew all the words." And then you put it on again. And everyone leaves because no one can top it.'

Jack:Jack: 'I agree. You're the one using negative words like "without" and "negative".'

Jack · Liz:The attack ad: 'In 2011, Liz said, "I hope Adele's voice recovers from her polyps." The same polyps Jenna had prayed for.'

Liz:The attack ad reveals what Liz says 'behind closed doors' — presumably showing her in an unflattering private moment (visual gag inferred)

Jack:'Liz Lemon. Wrong on cuteness. Wrong on other bitches. Wrong for Jenna.'

Jack:'Research indicates that ad is polling quite well with both manic and depressive Jenna.'

Jack:'She's a slut monster, and one of gay America's top hags.'

Jack:'She's aging, mean and rich. That sounds Republican to me.'

Liz:'Having been shot and left for dead in three different deserts, pro-gun control.'

Jack · Liz:'Seven years I've been mentoring you, and I haven't been able to move you an inch.' / 'Herstrionics!'

Jack:Jack: 'Yet you persist in this impotent emotional weltanschauung.'

Jack · Liz:'Good God, Lemon! Enough with the histrionics! / Herstrionics!'

Liz:The TOMS shoes joke: 'Every pair you buy, they give a pair to a child that was forced to work in a factory that makes these shoes. It's not great!'

Liz:'I'm the one who's in a stable relationship, Jack. I like my job, and I am one punch away from getting a free deviled egg at that cool new deviled egg place!'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'So maybe you should let me rub off on you!' Jack: 'You wish, you pervert.'

Liz:Liz begins her big speech and is interrupted by her phone playing 'Surfin' Bird' — she answers and it's her gynecologist asking if she left a bag of Burger King in his office

Kenneth:'Oh, that old clock tower. Nobody knows what it's counting down to.'

Mayor Debbie:Mayor Debbie's pro-clock statement: 'Hey! I'm gonna take the clock apart myself, then put it back together. I wanna see how it works! My friend Jojo did it with a toaster, and it's still good. Let me do it!'

The Hermit:The Hermit in the Clock Tower's 'con' statement: 'Ain't nobody touch my clock! It's my wife, and this is where I do my sniperin'!'

Kenneth:'To this day, I have to live with the fact that I cast the deciding vote that made "white" the newest flavor of Mountain Dew. But I guess that's just life in a Dewmocracy.'

Pete:Pete trying to invite security guard Maria to an election party: 'Hey, Maria. Hey, it's Election Day! Huge party upstairs tonight. Just like 2008. I'll see you there?'

Unknown announcer/Liz/Jack:'Welcome to the first and only debate of the Jenna-ral election.'

Unknown:'Today we choose the future for a woman "People" magazine once called "an unnamed friend of the deceased".'

Liz:The timer sound for debate time is the national anthem playing in full — 'Oh say can you see... and the home of the brave'

Liz · Jenna:Jenna's response to reproductive rights: 'Do you want a bunch of old men behind closed doors deciding what you can and cannot do with your body?' / 'Ooh, and how do they tell me their decisions? Do I get shocked whenever I do the wrong thing?'

Liz:'Under Mitt Romney, the arts program at Traci Lords Middle School, where little Shauna is a seventh-grader, would be gutted.'

Liz:Liz's anti-arts-funding argument that accidentally becomes pro-Romney: 'If arts funding was cut, within a short time, our schools would be producing no new actresses. And Jenna Maroney would get every part.' / 'That's my America. That's Mitt Romney's America.'

Liz · Jenna · Jack:Jack's Republican celebrity list: 'We have the coolest celebrities. Scarlett Johansson. Blake Lively. Jessica Biel --' [Jenna is impressed] / 'Wow. Those are all very beautiful women. Do you really want to be photographed next to them?'

Jack · Liz:Jack's Republican celebrity counter-list: 'Craig T. Nelson, Chuck Norris, and Charlton Heston's skull.' / 'You'd be the only cool Republican.'

Liz:Liz: 'I stopped you when you wanted to join that white tiger magic show. I stopped you when you tried to drive us into Lake Michigan because Scottie Pippen got married.'

Jack:Jack claims to own a Fuddrucker's with Scottie Pippen and says Liz 'looks like' Scottie Pippen

Jack:Jack's closing argument is complete incoherent political word salad: 'When our founding fathers first set out, time and time again, our nation horizon... prosperity... dreams... freedom. But the spirit... journey... destiny. Mitt Romney values. Jenna values. I've met people. For this generation and generations to come. Thank you, America.'

Jack:'Good God, those are load-bearing balloons! Everyone, run for your lives!'

Tracy:Tracy's advice to Kenneth on voting: 'Columbus thought he was in India! And did he worry about being wrong? No! He just called everybody Indians. And we still do it today! Why? 'Cause.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Just like when we named this country after the fourth or fifth guy who discovered it. Amerigo Vespucci? Who cares? America!'

Liz · Jack:Jack: 'How do you sleep at night, Jack?' / Jack: 'I don't. I take thousands of micronaps during the day.'

Liz:Liz: 'I would rather lose with my head held high, partly because when I have it down, it looks like this...'

Jack:'To be perfectly honest, I don't like Mitt Romney. The man doesn't drink. How does he let a moment land?'

Jack · Liz:Jack's childhood flashback: 'Boston. 1968. Latah, Mah! I'm goin' down the pahk to play ball! I sure love Americer! Almost as much as I love chowdah --'

Jack:Jack: 'Lemon, this kind of sentimental nonsense didn't work with Jenna. It certainly won't work with a man who didn't cry at "Field of Dreams", not even when the bank failed to recoup its investment in the farm.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'Fine. Enjoy your president. I'm moving to France!' / Jack: 'But you can't get a decent iced tea there. Forget it!'

Pete:Pete to NBC election anchor: 'Williams, I need you to call it for Obama right now! Remember that time you got a haircut, and I was the first person to say, "Someone got a haircut"? You owe me!'

Pete:'Everyone has to vote immediately! This election has to be over by six!' — Pete running through the office

Election Anchor:The election anchor's response to Pete: 'Look, get a hobby, like me and my gymnastics!' [implied visual of anchor doing gymnastics]

Pete:Pete's Joni Mitchell impression: 'If Joni Mitchell were here, she'd be like: [singing] "The big man won't give peace a chance / The cobblestones, cobblestones"'

Coworker · Pete:Coworker: 'Seriously, dude, let it go. It was just one kiss.' / Pete: 'Yeah, if you need a kiss so bad, why don't you kiss a potato like the rest of us?'

Pete:Pete's speech: 'That night in 2008, everything felt possible. Like my whole life was ahead of me. I was gonna drive a sports car and say cool stuff like, "Wiki-what?"! And none of that has happened!'

Pete:Pete's speech: 'I was gonna drive a sports car and say cool stuff like Wiki-what?! And none of that has happened!'

Dot Com or other character:'Nothing has changed! For Pete or America! And if we can't get that feeling back tonight for Pete's sake, when will we ever gonna get it back? For Pete's sake.'

Jenna:Jenna in a Twitter war with a spambot: 'Screw you, Dona-one-d Estaluj. I don't need Viagra! You need Viagra!'

Jack · Jenna:Jack: 'Mitt. It stands for Motorized Intelligent Technodrome Termina --' / [interrupted] 'It's a human's name.'

Young entrepreneur girl · Jack:'No, my role model is Sara Blakely, the billionaire founder of Spanx. She's a genius. It's just kids' bike shorts for fatties!'

Jack:'When I was a boy, I used to go to Fenway and sell my urine... for fans to throw at Mickey Mantle.'

Jack:Jack: 'Voters don't really pick the president. That's up to important people like corporations and celebrities.' / [earnestly] 'This year Jenna Maroney's picking the president.'

Young girl · Jack:Girl decides to abandon business school savings for implants to be like Jenna: 'If I stop saving for business school and started saving for implants, I could be just like her. Thanks, sir!'

Tracy:'Hey! I wasn't watching cute little kitten videos! I was watching pornography! Who put these sleepy kitten videos on here?'

Liz · Tracy:Liz: 'You must have a lot of bad jokes about deceased celebrities just filling up your brain.' / Tracy: 'Yes, and they're pushing out important information. I don't know where I live, lady!'

Tracy:'Ten, fifteen minutes. Less if I count genocides as celebrities.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'I can't do that to my dear friend and co-worker Jenna Jameson.' / Liz: 'No, Tracy. Jenna Maroney.' / Tracy: 'Cool.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'How about "Me69"?' [as Jenna's password] / Liz: 'Yep!'

Tracy:Tracy: 'No, I can say that word. I'm black.' / 'But Dick Clark wasn't!'

Pete:Pete to Maria: 'I know it's the second time, but it's our last shot at feeling... this!' [presumably gestures grandly to the election broadcast or himself]

Peter Horn (Alternate Pete):Young cool guy appears to sweep Maria away: 'Hey, sugarlips. Let's make it like a black magazine and jet.' / [to Pete] 'What's up, guy?' / 'Thanks for keeping my lady warm while I turn on my hot tub with my phone.'

Peter Horn:Cool Pete's exit attempt: 'Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well...' / [pause] 'Nope, it's too many wells. I'm gonna re-enter.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'I stole a page from your playbook, Jack. I used Tracy. I committed cyber crime. I got Jenna kicked off Twitter before she could endorse Romney.' / Jack: 'Deviousness? I guess two can play at that game. Just like most games.'

Liz:'And now you're smiling because you're gonna try to tell me that this was your plan all along. I turned you into me, Lemon. That was my plan all along.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'You sentimental, self-righteous, badger-faced shrew.' / Liz: 'Typical Lemon. You cynical, manipulative, cold-blooded Adonis.'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna walks by drinking something, drips it on Liz: 'Mnh-mnh... Yours dripped on me, and now I'm drunk!'

Kenneth:Kenneth runs in having voted: 'I just voted! Doesn't it just fill you with hope like anything can happen?'

Pete:Pete responds to Kenneth's hope speech: 'All day, all night, baby.' — using Cool Pete's catchphrase