Theres No I In America (2)

No! I need a 'Previously on'!

Nothing. Dammit!

I need you to marry me so I don't get sent back to Canada!

Really? Now you have a thing?

Don't know why I'm so worried about bringing my marble collection to work.

Butterfingers!

Why do we have that?

You're not right for it. What thing? I was born for it!

Am I not blonde enough? Because I'll put my head in the microwave!

Jacksonville's naming their new airport, Sized strip club after me. No bottoms!

The first really, really rich president!

The one with the guy? It was at night, and I feel like he was standing near a fence...

A head has five holes, and they are all needed.

Because there's no 'I' or 'me' in 'America.' There's both.

Someone who respects the human fetus and recognizes its value as a hair volumizer.

Like debate? Like DeBarge? I love DeBarge!

Until this year, I wasn't allowed to vote because Reverend Gary said choosing is a sin.

Voting is a great American tradition. Like laziness or, eh...

the Parcells have been in this country since we went berserk and murdered everyone at Roanoke.

Black Shrek ran for president?

I forgot about that half-nerd.

Someone has to be the first person to make a joke after a celebrity dies.

I guess I was a little 'too soon' with Andy Griffith.

I can't unhear it! I can't unhear it!

The first African-American president ever to be up for re-election. Whoo! Historical!

That was a really good 'American Pie', Pete. You knew all the words. And then you put it on again. And everyone leaves because no one can top it.

You're the one using negative words like 'without' and 'negative'.

The same polyps Jenna had prayed for.

Wrong on cuteness. Wrong on other bitches. Wrong for Jenna.

She's a slut monster, and one of gay America's top hags.

First of all, I have never dropped a hat in my life.

Herstrionics!

Since you've known me, I've been right about no less than everything always.

Every pair you buy, they give a pair to a child that was forced to work in a factory that makes these shoes. It's not great!

You wish, you pervert.

'Bah-bah-bah-bah-bird bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word' My gynecologist.

Did anyone leave a bag of Burger King in your office?

Hey! I'm gonna take the clock apart myself, then put it back together. I wanna see how it works! My friend Jojo did it with a toaster, and it's still good.

Ain't nobody touch my clock! It's my wife, and this is where I do my sniperin'!

I cast the deciding vote that made 'white' the newest flavor of Mountain Dew. But I guess that's just life in a Dewmocracy.

Welcome to the first and only debate of the Jenna-ral election.

Insincere!

a woman 'People' magazine once called 'an unnamed friend of the deceased'.

Ooh, and how do they tell me their decisions? Do I get shocked whenever I do the wrong thing?

And Jenna Maroney would get every part. That's my America. That's Mitt Romney's America.

Scarlett Johansson. Blake Lively. Jessica Biel -- Wow. Those are all very beautiful women. Do you really want to be photographed next to them?

Craig T. Nelson, Chuck Norris, and Charlton Heston's skull. You'd be the only cool Republican.

I stopped you when you tried to drive us into Lake Michigan because Scottie Pippen got married.

Miss Lemon, I know Scottie Pippen. I own a Fuddrucker's with Scottie Pippen. And you, sir, look like Scottie Pippen.

When our founding fathers first set out, time and time again, our nation horizon... prosperity... dreams... freedom. But the spirit... journey... destiny. Mitt Romney values. Jenna values. I've met people. For this generation and generations to come.

Good God, those are load-bearing balloons! Everyone, run for your lives!

Columbus thought he was in India! And did he worry about being wrong? No! He just called everybody Indians. And we still do it today! Why? 'Cause.

Just like when we named this country after the fourth or fifth guy who discovered it. Amerigo Vespucci? Who cares? America!

I take thousands of micronaps during the day.

partly because when I have it down, it looks like this...

The man doesn't drink. How does he let a moment land?

Latah, Mah! I'm goin' down the pahk to play ball! I sure love Americer! Almost as much as I love chowdah --

Oh, my Gawd, it's fewtchah me!

It certainly won't work with a man who didn't cry at 'Field of Dreams', not even when the bank failed to recoup its investment in the farm.

But you can't get a decent iced tea there. Forget it!

Remember that time you got a haircut, and I was the first person to say, 'Someone got a haircut'? You owe me!

Look, get a hobby, like me and my gymnastics!

A Facebook that wasn't crawling with old bald guys!

why don't you kiss a potato like the rest of us?

I was gonna drive a sports car and say cool stuff like, 'Wiki-what?'!

Screw you, Dona-one-d Estaluj. I don't need Viagra! You need Viagra!

It stands for Motorized Intelligent Technodrome Termina--

I want to send Estaluj a picture, but it's too dark inside my pants.

It's just kids' bike shorts for fatties!

when I was a boy, I used to go to Fenway and sell my urine... for fans to throw at Mickey Mantle.

Voters don't really pick the president. That's up to important people like corporations and celebrities.

if I stop saving for business school and started saving for implants, I could be just like her.

I wasn't watching cute little kitten videos! I was watching pornography! Who put these sleepy kitten videos on here?

Less if I count genocides as celebrities.

No, I can say that word. I'm black. But Dick Clark wasn't!

Hey, sugarlips. Let's make it like a black magazine and jet.

My 2012 Corvette's parked outside. 'Cause I always find a parking spot.

Well, well, well, well, well, well, well, well... Nope, it's too many wells. I'm gonna re-enter.

Just like most games.

You cynical, manipulative, cold-blooded Adonis.

Yours dripped on me, and now I'm drunk!

All day, all night, baby.