The Beginning Of The End

Jack:After all these years, I finally have it all. / I'm gonna miss this place. / That's how you do it. It's two lines.

Liz · Jack:Well, I feel like New York City is one of the characters on our show. / That's idiotic.

Jack · Liz:So, how was your hiatus? Start with what puzzles you did. / Venice. Solar system. Unicorn. / The cast of 'L.A. Law'. / That one took me awhile. So much white.

Liz · Jack:We are... trying. / Oh, really, Lemon? You can't even say 'trying'? / What positions are you using? / The one. There's only one. Talk about something else.

Jack:And my divorce went smoothly. In fact, thanks to a round of golf with Archbishop Dolan, I was never married.

Jack:Liddy won a bronze in Horsey-Jumpy at the Baby Olympics.

Jack:If you're tired of sexy vampires, then you'll love 'Hunchbacks', starring Jonathan Silverman as Dr. Fantastico.

Jack:And do you like the information channel you get when you stay in a hotel? Well, Thursdays is just that now.

Jonathan · Jack:My grandmother was seriously ill. I went to Salinas to feed and bathe her. / I'm sorry. / I still don't like you.

Jack:'God Cop.' Crime just got a new worst friend.

Liz · Jack:So, God just tells him who did it? / God can't just tell him who did it. / Why not? / Watch the pilot, Lemon. It's all explained in the end by the wise black man played by Karl Malone.

Jack · Liz:It's a two-man fishing boat. / I believe that is called a skiff. / I will not have you telling me boat names in my own office!

Jack · Liz:That's where shows like 'God Cop', 'O.J. Simpson Live', and 'Rule of Threes' come in. / Oh, brother. / 'Oh, Brother'. A comedy about two jive-talking con men hiding out in a monastery.

Jack:Jonathan, bring me my green light.

Jenna:The doves I ordered for the wedding came, and they're all dead! / One of them touched my tongue!

Liz:I'll show you that video of Taylor Swift getting hit in the face with a foul ball.

Jenna:Oh, I'm fine, Liz. The doves were just a drill. Everyone needs to be on their toes for my wedding year.

Liz · Jenna:Wait, if that was a drill, did you kill those doves? / No, I bought them at the dead-dove store. Grow up, Liz.

Jenna:I prefer soul-sucking monster.

Jenna · Liz:You know, I have a lot of really good friends I could ask to be my maid of honor — Paz de la Huerta, the former Mrs. Jon Cryer, Honey Boo Boo's mom. / June. / But you're my oldest friend. And, also, I've known you for a long time.

Jenna · Liz:Jenna twists her hand, causing Liz extreme pain to force her to agree to be maid of honor.

Jenna:Oh, you're in charge of the bachelorette party. Make sure you have a stripper there from every race. Stan looking for Indian now. It's a tough booking.

Kenneth · Tracy:I need some advice. / I recommend you get it from Liz Lemon or an owl who wears glasses.

Kenneth · Tracy:I've been living with Hazel for the past few months, and while we have gotten to second base — / You mean a threesome with Robinson Cano? / No! I mean sharing a yogurt.

Kenneth · Tracy:I'm saving myself for marriage, and Hazel says she's saving herself for a Grade-A pork machine. / And those are expensive.

Tracy:I'll tell you how to make a woman happy. You take charge. She comes home one night, you're in the kitchen naked, cooking chili. You feed it to her out of your hands. Make her act like a bird.

Tracy:Damn it, I don't know! I've been married for 22 years! / That's half as long as it felt like 'Arliss' was on TV.

Tracy:The women in our lives are queens. Honor your queen, Kenneth. If she wants to look at new window treatments, you go to Crate Barn. If she wants to have a dinner party, you go fry up some dolphin.

Tracy:Speaking of which, Angie's been in the hospital for a week. Could you go find out why?

Jack · Frank:Frank, you do stand-up. How would you like to have your own sitcom? / Can I have a hot wife? / If you gain 50 pounds. / Yeah.

unnamed writer · Jack:Hey! I have an idea for a show. It's about a boy who befriends a talking panda, and they're allowed to sleep in the same bed. / Have it on my desk tomorrow.

Liz · Jack:I know you think fixing NBC is just another negative synergy dynamics matrix. / I wish. Then I could just solve it with the Schwartzfeld Tesseract.

Jack · Liz:Every day I wish some other company had bought NBC. Xerox, Alcoa, PAAS. / The Easter egg company? / They own their market. When was the last time you bought a non-PAAS egg-dyeing kit? Try never. PAAS is the best. Their wire egg-dipper is tops in the industry with the thinnest egg-loop to reduce dye lines.

Game show host · Contestants:The 'Homonym' game show cutaway: contestants repeatedly guess the wrong definition of every word, always 'the other one.'

Game Show Host · Contestant:Your next word is 'meat.' / Oh, boy. / Like when two people run into each other. / Sorry, it's the other one.

Liz:Will I ever finish reading 'The Corrections'?

Jack · Liz:Well, thank you for your feedback, Lemon, but I'm not panicking. I know exactly what I'm doing. / So, good peacock to you. / But, Jack... / I said, 'Good peacock.'

Tracy · Jack:Yes, and I thought we'd have a little féte chez nous ce soir. / Oh, how nice to meet a woman who speaks the language of the Nazis' most enthusiastic collaborators. What a kind invitation.

Jack:I do enjoy seeing the homes of poor whites.

Jack · Tracy:Kenneth tells me that you started your own movie studio this summer. / Yes, I'm sort of the black Tyler Perry.

Hazel:I'm an aspiring actress whose most recent credits include running onstage during 'Sister Act'.

Kenneth · Tracy:This is wonderful! Tracy Jordan is coming to dinner. Just like in that episode of 'Family Matters' when Tracy Jordan came to dinner. / You know, I wasn't scripted to be in that episode. I just wandered onto set because Reginald Vel Johnson owed me $40.

Jenna:If you're thinking about Vegas for the bachelorette party, we can't stay at the Palms. One of the Maloofs wants me dead, and the other one loves me. I don't remember which is which.

Tracy:Why is everyone asking me for advice? I'm Tracy Jordan. Father of three, married 22 years. I run my own business. / Oh, my God. / I'm the most stable adult here.

Liz:She wants her something borrowed to be Jessica Biel's youth. / I don't know how to get that.

Tracy:That's what I do when I want to get out of something, like a sketch or a parent-teacher conference or this boring conversation.

Tracy · Liz:Thank you for saying that in dated urban slang so that I'll understand you. / Word.

TV Announcer / NBC Promo:Tonight on NBC, Joe Rogan is 'Mandela'. And, if it's Wednesday, it must be 'Cricket Night in America'. Then, on 'Jay', a full hour of Gary Sinise's band.

Liz:Oh, my God. Jack's tanking NBC!

Liz Lemon:Jack's tanking NBC! [Liz's sudden realization]

Production assistant:Turning around on 'God Cop' scene 24.

Liz · Jack:I know what you're doing, Jack. You are purposely tanking the network. / Good God, Lemon, what is it with you liberals and your conspiracy theories? I've got bad news for you. The CIA did not invent crack cocaine, the levees blew themselves up in New Orleans, and no one is trying to destroy NBC.

Liz · Jack:Hang on. Did you cast yourself in this show? / What can I say? We saw hundreds of actors for God. Finally the network executive said I should just play him. / You're the network executive.

Jack:Fine. You got me. I'm steering the Titanic into the iceberg.

Jack · Liz:I have an investor lined up who will buy the network and keep me in charge. I can't tell you who it is, but his word is as good as the color consistency on one of his Easter eggs. / Adolf Paas?

Jack:Lemon, I cannot go to another business-school reunion and sit at the non-CEO table with the... women and nice men.

Liz:That's true. Before this, I ran an all-women's theater company. Everyone was vice president.

Jack:Or what my good friend Bane tried to do to Gotham. / Join me, Lemon. Help me tank NBC.

Liz · Jack · Production Assistant:Never. / You're playing with people's lives here. Who do you think you are? / God? We're ready for you.

Jack (as God):If there is one thing I have realized from being God, it's that the more you know, the more you realize you do not... know.

Liz:Why is he learning anything? He's supposed to be God.

Hazel:Well, it's not technically a home, because no one's supposed to be living here, but welcome to our condemned site of the Candyman murders.

Kenneth:If you put this in the oven at about 200 degrees, my snake should be very comfortable while she gives birth.

Tracy · Hazel · Kenneth:Thank you. Your home is terrible. / Shall we conversation? / Yes. We're having weather. / Much weather.

Hazel:Do you ever have any roles for white women who've been described by 'The Hollywood Reporter' as 'some lady who ruined the premiere of ParaNorman'?

Tracy · Hazel:Oh, I always have one white person in all my movies. We have to have a villain. / Oh, and who's worse than us whites, right? I mean, look at slavery. That was bananas!

Kenneth:That sturgeon just will not die. / Excuse me a moment.

Hazel:Oh, I also do accents. Oh, me a Cockney person.

Kenneth:And this is your Uncle Bob. [Photo of a creepy man revealed]

Jenna · Liz:FYI, Paul's family dog is gonna be the ring bearer. Zoltan is an 18-year-old German shepherd who cannot walk. / So, you're gonna be in charge of him. / No, Jenna, I'm allergic to dogs. / Oh, don't worry. He's hairless because of his insanity medication.

Jenna:Also, since this is a surprise wedding, you're gonna want to carry around your bridesmaid's dress with you at all times.

Liz:You know I can't wear green, Jenna. The Clinique lady says I have witch undertones.

NBC Announcer:Tonight on NBC, 'Tank It,' the reality event of the year, where we make grandpas put on tank tops and then laugh at them.

Liz · Jenna:You know what? I can't do anything tonight. Because tonight is your surprise bachelorette party! Aah!

Liz · Jenna:Sure, and you should get your hopes way up. / See you at my apartment at eight. / Your apartment? Why? / It's a surprise. / And there's nothing worse than a surprise Lemon party.

Kenneth · Hazel:Oh, but we have government ice cream. / And that's what you're gonna serve to Tracy Jordan? / I'm as shocked as anybody.

Kenneth:Maybe the nice vending machine at the prison is working again.

Hazel · Tracy:You're a real man, Tracy Jordan. Playing it cool all night while I rubbed your foot under the table. / My foot? / No, that's shoe stuffing. It helps keep the shape of my shoes. / Why was you rubbing my foot, anyway?

Liz · Jenna:Okay, let's get this party started! / Ooh, I smell Italian guys.

Liz:It's your bachelorette party. Bethany from work is here and a bunch of my neighbors. A clown. And there's a 'God Cop' marathon on NBC.

God Cop detective · Jack as God:I think Esposito lied to us. / What do you mean you think? You're God.

Unknown party guest · Party guest:Let us pray. / To whom?!

'Stripper' (actually a police officer):Listen up, ladies. You're all in a lot of trouble if you don't protect yourselves against identity theft. Please take a pamphlet.

Liz:Okay, you're upset. But this is what you get when you choose Liz Lemon as your maid of honor. / So, let's get this over with. / I mean, you know, what's the worst you could possibly...?

Hazel · Tracy:Tracy, I will do anything to play a villain in one of your movies. / Oh, and the camera loves me. Especially when I flash my baby blues. / Why are they blue?

Tracy · Hazel:No! I'm married, Hazel. / So am I. And if he ever wakes up from that coma, I'm dead! That's why I live for today.

Tracy · Hazel:You're just using Kenneth! And I'm telling him everything! / Whatever. Go ahead and try. / I'm gonna have to try?

Liz · Jenna:Just ask one of your famous friends to be maid of honor. / Why do you think I asked you in the first place? Because you're not famous! You think I want someone up there with me that other people are looking at? I wanted you because you're nothing!

Liz · Jenna:I get it. You didn't want to get Pippa Middleton-ed. / Why would you even mention her?!

Liz · Jenna:Nobody will be your maid of honor, because there's only one person who can be — you. / What? That's crazy. / Think about it. There would be nobody to steal your spotlight. In fact, you would have two spotlights.

Jenna:I think the maid of honor should sing at my wedding. Sure. / And she can do a fashion show that takes the audience all the way through the wedding night. / And what if she came in in a wheelchair and then stood up and everyone applauded and cried?

Jenna Maroney:I think the maid of honor should sing at my wedding. Sure. And she can do a fashion show that takes the audience all the way through the wedding night. And what if she came in in a wheelchair and then stood up and everyone applauded and cried?

Jack · Liz:I know you doubted me, but now you see my plan can work. So, what do you say? Are you on board, Liz? / You just called me 'Liz'! / We can fix that in the cutting room.

Tracy · Kenneth · Hazel:Kenneth, I have something I need to tell you. / Last night, when you left, Hazel came on to me 'cause she wants me to put her in a movie. / Hazel, is this true? / Yeah. It is true. / Not!

Tracy · Hazel:Oh, please, you would love for me to fall asleep on top of you. / Come on, Kenmore washers and dryers, who are you gonna believe here?

Kenneth · Tracy:My best friend. / And my girlfriend. / Well, I always believe you, sir, because you're on television. / And webisodes.

Kenneth · Tracy:Yesterday you told me our women are queens, and they're always right, which means I should believe Hazel. But that would make you wrong, Mr. Jordan, and you've never been wrong about anything before. / It's a blessing and a purse.

Kenneth · Tracy:Unless Hazel is always right, but only because you said so, Mr. Jordan, which means you're right, too. / And both sides being right is like kissing your sister. / A wonderful treat!

Hazel · Tracy:Bad move, Jordan. We'll see who's still working here in six months. / My hearing is bad because of firecrackers, but we'll see who's still working here in six months. / That's what I just said. / What?

Liz Lemon · Jack Donaghy:Okay, I get it. Sometimes tanking it is the only option. What did you do, fake a sprained ankle to get out of that breast health 5K? No, I did that. I forgot my sports bra, so, ironically -- It doesn't matter, Lemon.

Liz · Jack:Sometimes tanking it is the only option. What did you do, fake a sprained ankle to get out of that breast health 5K? / No, I did that. I forgot my sports bra, so, ironically -- / It doesn't matter, Lemon.

Liz · Jack:Jack, it's 9:30 in the morning. / We're not trying to do a good job here, Lemon.

Liz:Let's take this mother down.

Game show host · Contestants:The extended 'Homonym' game show sequence: 'sent/cent/scent' confusion culminating in 'au pair' being defined as 'Oh, pear!' an exclamation about a fruit.