The Beginning Of The End

Hey! One-percent d-bag! Can't park here. You don't own the sidewalk.

despite our tiny, un-American sodas

That's idiotic. So, how was your hiatus? Start with what puzzles you did.

Venice. Solar system. Unicorn. The cast of 'L.A. Law'. That one took me awhile. So much white.

Oh, really, Lemon? You can't even say 'trying'? What positions are you using? The one. There's only one.

thanks to a round of golf with Archbishop Dolan, I was never married

Liddy won a bronze in Horsey-Jumpy at the Baby Olympics

If you're tired of sexy vampires, then you'll love 'Hunchbacks', starring Jonathan Silverman as Dr. Fantastico

do you like the information channel you get when you stay in a hotel? Well, Thursdays is just that now

Yes, little big man discovered the grass isn't always greener on the other side and came crawling back

My grandmother was seriously ill. I went to Salinas to feed and bathe her. - I'm sorry. - I still don't like you.

'God Cop.' Crime just got a new worst friend.

It's all explained in the end by the wise black man played by Karl Malone

But it's not a yacht for corporate parties and hooker disposal. It's a two-man fishing boat.

I believe that is called a skiff. I will not have you telling me boat names in my own office!

'Oh, Brother'. A comedy about two jive-talking con men hiding out in a monastery.

The doves I ordered for the wedding came, and they're all dead! One of them touched my tongue!

Oh, I'm fine, Liz. The doves were just a drill. Everyone needs to be on their toes for my wedding year.

Wait, if that was a drill, did you kill those doves? No, I bought them at the dead-dove store. Grow up, Liz.

I prefer soul-sucking monster.

Beyoncé, J. Lo, Natalie Portman, whose real last name is Hershlag, by the way. Okay, that's not relevant. I just think people should know.

Paz de la Huerta, the former Mrs. Jon Cryer, Honey Boo Boo's mom.

But you're my oldest friend. And, also, I've known you for a long time.

Oh, God, my hands! Please! I'll do it! I'd love to do it! You're my best friend!

Make sure you have a stripper there from every race. Stan looking for Indian now. It's a tough booking.

You mean a threesome with Robinson Cano? No! I mean sharing a yogurt

Hazel says she's saving herself for a Grade-A pork machine. And those are expensive.

You're in the kitchen naked, cooking chili. You feed it to her out of your hands. Make her act like a bird.

That's half as long as it felt like 'Arliss' was on TV.

If she wants to have a dinner party, you go fry up some dolphin.

Speaking of which, Angie's been in the hospital for a week. Could you go find out why?

Can I have a hot wife? If you gain 50 pounds. Yeah.

It's about a boy who befriends a talking panda, and they're allowed to sleep in the same bed.

I wish. Then I could just solve it with the Schwartzfeld Tesseract.

Xerox, Alcoa, PAAS. The Easter egg company? They own their market. When was the last time you bought a non-PAAS egg-dyeing kit?

Their wire egg-dipper is tops in the industry with the thinnest egg-loop to reduce dye lines.

Like when two people run into each other. Sorry, it's the other one. Your next word is 'stare.' Okay, the things you climb to get -- No, it's the other one. It's always the other one!

So, you don't peacock them. I don't... think so.

Yes, and I thought we'd have a little féte chez nous ce soir.

Oh, how nice to meet a woman who speaks the language of the Nazis' most enthusiastic collaborators.

I do enjoy seeing the homes of poor whites.

Yes, I'm sort of the black Tyler Perry.

whose most recent credits include running onstage during 'Sister Act'

You know, I wasn't scripted to be in that episode. I just wandered onto set because Reginald Vel Johnson owed me $40.

Oh, my God. I'm the most stable adult here.

She wants her something borrowed to be Jessica Biel's youth.

Thank you for saying that in dated urban slang so that I'll understand you.

Because you're terrified of her, the way most white ladies are with their best friends? That is racist and only pan true.

Tonight on NBC, Joe Rogan is 'Mandela'. And, if it's Wednesday, it must be 'Cricket Night in America'. Then, on 'Jay', a full hour of Gary Sinise's band.

Hang on. Did you cast yourself in this show? What can I say? We saw hundreds of actors for God. Finally the network executive said I should just play him. You're the network executive.

I have an investor lined up who will buy the network and keep me in charge. I can't tell you who it is, but his word is as good as the color consistency on one of his Easter eggs.

Adolf Paas?

I cannot go to another business-school reunion and sit at the non-CEO table with the... women and nice men.

Before this, I ran an all-women's theater company. Everyone was vice president.

Look at Sherman's march to the sea. Or what my good friend Bane tried to do to Gotham.

Who do you think you are? God? We're ready for you.

If there is one thing I have realized from being God, it's that the more you know, the more you realize you do not... know.

Why is he learning anything? He's supposed to be God.

Well, it's not technically a home, because no one's supposed to be living here, but welcome to our condemned site of the Candyman murders.

If you put this in the oven at about 200 degrees, my snake should be very comfortable while she gives birth.

Thank you. Your home is terrible.

Oh, I always have one white person in all my movies. We have to have a villain. Oh, and who's worse than us whites, right? I mean, look at slavery. That was bananas!

That sturgeon just will not die. Excuse me a moment. Oh, I also do accents. Oh, me a Cockney person.

Zoltan is an 18-year-old German shepherd who cannot walk. So, you're gonna be in charge of him. No, Jenna, I'm allergic to dogs. Oh, don't worry. He's hairless because of his insanity medication.

The cake is a tasteless foam. There's no cake?

'Tank It,' the reality event of the year, where we make grandpas put on tank tops and then laugh at them.

And there's nothing worse than a surprise Lemon party.

My foot? No, that's shoe stuffing. It helps keep the shape of my shoes. Why was you rubbing my foot, anyway?

Ooh, I smell Italian guys.

Bethany from work is here and a bunch of my neighbors. A clown. And there's a 'God Cop' marathon on NBC.

Listen up, ladies. You're all in a lot of trouble if you don't protect yourselves against identity theft. Please take a pamphlet. Pass them along.

So am I. And if he ever wakes up from that coma, I'm dead! That's why I live for today.

Because you're not famous! You think I want someone up there with me that other people are looking at? I wanted you because you're nothing!

I get it. You didn't want to get Pippa Middleton-ed. Why would you even mention her?!

And what if she came in in a wheelchair and then stood up and everyone applauded and cried?

You just called me 'Liz'! We can fix that in the cutting room.

Not! What I said was I would never sleep with Tracy for a pan in a movie.

Come on, Kenmore washers and dryers, who are you gonna believe here?

It's a blessing and a purse.

And both sides being right is like kissing your sister. A wonderful treat!

I forgot my sports bra, so, ironically --

No! You forgot it could also be an exclamation about a fruit, as in, 'Oh, pear!'