Florida

Tracy:The last time I said 'wonderful news' was when my pet gnus learned the true meaning of Christmas.

Liz:He's a three-year-old boy from Transylvania. His name is Dracul. He is a hemophiliac with a sleep disorder.

Liz:I'm spontaneous. For instance, I started talking before I had an example of how I'm spontaneous.

Jack:I assume it was the bottle of wine with the card reading 'Dear Doritos, what about just selling bags full of your dust? I could put it on chicken or fish.'

Liz:I wrote you a very heartfelt note that said, 'Congratulations on becoming CEO. Do you know anyone at Doritos?'

Jack:Then I have to drive around with my headlights off until someone flashes me. Then I have to... Well, it's not important.

Jack:Fittingly, she left everything to her live-in nurse, Martha... The house I paid for, the silver, my grandfather's purple heart.

Liz:It's terrible what alcoholism can do to the body. She really didn't leave you anything?

Jack:I loved my mother, Lemon... Obviously, because of Stockholm syndrome.

Jack:She is the only person in the world to have sarcastic last words: 'I just want you to be happy.' Mother, how I 'miss' you.

Jack · Liz:I can get you a V.I.P. pass to Universal's Harry Potter world. I am not some kind of 'nerdery' slut. I like Star Wars.

Liz:Liz runs toward a store that sells long-sleeve SPF shirts as her idea of spontaneous fun in Florida

Jenna:No, you need a nobody to sign for that water. We're on TV.

Cerie:Or Pete, but he went to a line producers' convention in Albany. I saw him pack a wig.

Tracy · Jenna:Tracy and Jenna react to learning about a $50 million harassment lawsuit against them personally — Tracy says 'Hold my calls, giant bee'

Jack:God, she loved looting. [in reaction to Martha showing Jack a baby shoe found 'after that fire']

Martha:Martha describes Colleen as kind, happy, full of laughter — her nickname was 'Mrs. Silly'

Jack:I saw this on Dateline. Next, we'll be holding hands in adjacent bathtubs. Or maybe that was a Cialis commercial... it's all a blur.

Automated Voice:Florida emergency services automated menu: 'If this is regarding an anaconda in a crawl space, press 1. If a sinkhole full of Indian bones has appeared in your living room, press 2. If you want to know why JAG wasn't on this week, press 3.'

Liz:Why can't we just cut this state adrift and let it crash into Cuba?

Liz:We'll solve this ourselves, like that woman on Dateline who tried to solve her sister's murder, then disappeared. But we won't go scuba-diving with the husband.

Martin · Tracy · Jenna:'Her deposition is very gross. I'm going to use this doll to show you what Tracy and Jenna did to me.' — lawyer holds up a doll; Tracy and Jenna react in horror

Tracy:'She's lying like a rug.' 'Rug' is an offensive term for Persians that I made up.

Jenna:We would never do that to a page... Maybe that tall Asian one. Yeah, Miranda. Her hair is so thick and black.

Tracy:I once played a lawyer in a movie, so I know all about winning your son's love back thanks to a magic camera.

Martin the Lawyer:And I didn't super-duper finish law school. So...

Liz:I may be in there a while because I have a gluten thing that turns my business white.

Liz:Liz, snooping through Colleen's room, finding: 'Colleen had two night tables? Kama sutra?'

Liz:Shmesbians! Where are my manners? This is Florida. Let me boil up a pot of hot Gatorade. Is blue okay?

Jack:The only animal Colleen ever bought me was a myna bird who was later revealed to be Colleen's personal spy. I told that bird everything.

Liz:She stopped watching the Bruins because Derek Sanderson's mustache made him look 'like he takes his sandwich with a pickle.'

Liz:They shared a bed, Jack... A sleep number bed, set to two drastically different firmness levels. Only an insane person would do that if they were sleeping alone.

Jack:Abraham Lincoln and his roommate Joshua Fry Speed slept in the same bed together until Joshua died from dancing too long at a party.

Martha:While we're waiting, I DVR'd a documentary about the woman who designed all of Pat Summitt's blazers.

Tracy:In some ways, I'm still pinned under a passed-out Harvey Weinstein, and it's Thanksgiving.

Tracy · Jenna:We hid a camera on a gigolo friend of ours and asked him to seduce Hazel. Sloppy Rodney. He has syphilis.

Sloppy Rodney · Hazel:Sloppy Rodney: 'Hey, baby, you want to get down?' Hazel/Richard Drench: 'Sloppy Rodney? It's me, Richard Drench. I remember that ass.'

Tracy:Lying is easy. For example, there isn't a hole in my pocket I keep touching my penis through. See? Easy.

Martha:I apologize. We never had the need for a second bedroom. This is usually where I store my woodworking tools and the pottery I make.

Martha · Liz:I put a strawberry calcium chew on both night tables for you, Liz. / We're coworkers, Ms. Edwards. We're not... No, no, no.

Jack · Liz:Our relationship is purely platonic, if Plato had an elderly, shut-in aunt. / You know what Plato did have? A gay relationship with Socrates.

Liz · Siri:Siri, find me the nearest hotel. / Finding hookers. Is that right?

Martha:You don't want to go out. The Vietnam vets are starting to retire, and they get antsy at night around all these palm trees.

Liz · Jack:Your pajamas have a turtleneck. / They're from the L.L. Bean maritime professional collection.

Liz:So what way do you want to totally normally sleep together? Face-to-face, or butt-to-butt?

Jack:It goes without saying, Lemon, that nothing will happen in this bed tonight, and I am referring, of course, to your... digestive failings.

Liz:Why didn't anything ever happen between us?

Jack:If you're trying to conjure my mother's ghost, you could just shake a jar of coins while praising Jimmy Carter.

Jack:I did sleep with Jenna a lot during season three.

Jack:There was a particularly youth-oriented priest in my childhood parish who went after everybody but me... Even fat Ralph, and he ate his boogers.

Jack:To ruin what we have with a tawdry, yet expert sexual encounter would've been a mistake.

Jack:Also, maybe I was never attracted to you because you're the kind of person who finds a way to talk about herself while lying in my dead mother's bed.

Jack:First of all, it's 'champing' at the bit. Horses champ. / And second of all, I'm not going to fight in bed with a woman I'm not even having sex with.

Liz · Jack:Lincoln was super gay. / Thank you.

Jack:And I know those pots aren't flowers. They're my mother's vagina.

Tracy · Jenna:Jay-Mo, I like to flouring a joke about Björk's swan dress... / Tired.

Tracy:I've seen dresses that look fly, but never dresses that can fly.

Tracy:It's the same feeling I got in 1997 when that jury foreman looked at me and said 'Guilty!' And I had to close my water park. I forgot to make an opening at the end of the slide.

Kenneth · Tracy · Jenna:What? Did I miss a spot? / I don't care. All I care about is which jazz club I'm going to tonight. / He's broken.

Martha:The first three Sandys died falling off the car during 'Summer Lovin'.'

Liz:Jack, you need to come to Orlando and pick me up. I'm in Harry Potter world jail.

Kenneth · Jack:Kenneth Parcell isn't signing your precious affidavit. / That is a Christmas card from my estranged daughter.

Kenneth · Tracy · Jenna:Kenneth begins to list inappropriate things he's witnessed; Tracy and Jenna frantically interrupt him with 'You have something in your teeth! Let me lick it off!' and 'Want to see a porno my cousin is in?'

Tracy · Unknown · Jenna:To close a very important deal, I'm going to need to loan you to David Geffen for the weekend. / Why do I even take birth control pills if I'm always gonna be alone? / You might as well take them, Kenneth. You take them! Take them!

Liz:I tried to live life, and it sucked. I came here without studying the park map beforehand, which is how I ended up in a long line that turned out to just be a crowd of people watching two owls have sex.

Liz:I tried to cut the line for the Flight of the Hippogriff, which is when Duncan here caught me.

Liz:I'll die full of regrets, like that time I sat next to Richard Grieco on an airplane and just let him read his Hustlers without ever telling him I was a fan.

Liz:Not to make this about me, but are you admitting that I was right about your mother's late-in-life lez-out?

Liz:I know, and a woman of color too — good for her.

Jack:People who wanted to be happy were weak... Hippies, Italians, kindergarten teachers.

Liz:That is enough of your black Irish nonsense.

Jack:The goal has always been money or prestige or, when playing hockey, the goal.

Bev:It's just Bev, Liz. My mother died while naming me.

Bev:Why don't you discuss it with that little action figure you're married to?

Hank Hooper:Because of the lawsuit and the P.R. nightmare and the den of sin you've built here, I have to go ahead and cancel TGS. Next Friday is your last show.

Jenna:Great news, Liz. Kenneth doesn't have different hair anymore.

Unknown TGS worker:I showed up without a bra one day, and I was viciously harassed until I put on a shirt.

Unknown TGS worker:I once saw Kenneth Parcell naked. It was horrible. His body is just a smooth beige tube with a head.

Unknown TGS worker:Frank Rossitano was always trying to give me pornography that I had given him in the first place. I mean, what a re-gifter.

Unknown TGS worker:There were these two African-American giants that were always pressuring me to join their book club.