Idiots Are People Two! (1)

Liz:Oh, my God, is he dead? I... I don't know what happened.

Kenneth:Easy as pie, Ms. Maroney. What could go wrong? Why would I even say that?

Tracy · Dot Com:TiVo nostalgia bit — two characters making 'boop-boop' and 'bung-bung' sounds back and forth, escalating.

Criss · Liz:It's Terry, the gender-neutral doll I had when I was a kid. And he/she has his/her baseball glove and baby. And both sets of genitals!

Criss:That was hard to track down. Today, almost all of them are in police evidence lockers.

Liz:There's a whole other hand where that came from, big boy. Not my best.

Liz · Criss:Fine, I'll stay! Gyah. Do you want a smiley face? German flag, please.

News Anchor · Jack:Jordan's comments are likely annoying his co-workers who thought they'd linger over breakfast this morning, perhaps with a new lover. Wow, that is some detailed reporting, Curry.

Liz · Protester:Do you think I'm pulling this hat off? No.

Jack:Did you know that Snuggles the fabric softener bear is gay? He's dating the Charmin cub.

Liz:I thought they were babies. Unbelievable.

Tracy:Tracy pointing out gay coworkers: 'Him. Him. Her when she's drunk. I genuinely don't know. That one's a puzzler.'

Liz:It is the most organized of all the communities. They make the Japanese look like the Greeks.

Tracy · Liz:How is what I said offensive, and that's not? / Because no one heard me say it.

Tracy:Being gay is stupid. If you want to see a penis, take off your pants.

Tracy:If I got turned into a gay, I'd sit around all day and look at my own junk.

Tracy · Diane (phone) · Liz:I already called Glad, Liz Lemon. / Thank you for calling Glad, stronger trash bags with less plastic...

Tracy:Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out.

Tracy · Liz:Tracy's non-response: 'That's terrific, thank you.' / Liz realizes he thought she was offering to write the apology FOR him.

Jack:Because of my unfortunate situation with Avery, I'm alone. And I know of course that you're not seeing anyone, therefore I've decided that you and I should become friends with benefits.

Jack:I saw you, Lemon. At the movies, last night, with your mouth on a man.

Liz · Jack:Criss is trying to... / You can stop right there. / He's an entrepreneur. He's currently meeting with investors in the hopes of starting an organic gourmet hot dog truck.

Jack:Lemon, I have said 'good God' to you before, but I don't think I've ever meant it until now. Good God!

Jack · Liz:Jersey City? His parents' apartment? It's not a walk-up, is it? / He's actually been living with me for the past month.

Liz:My jaw stopped popping. Listen. [silent beat]

Jack:The fact that you felt you had to keep 'Chris' — and I'm saying his name with an 'h' and only one 's' — the fact that you kept him from me...

Jack:The fact that you kept him from me simply proves that it doesn't matter whether I meet him or not. You already know what I would say, and you know I'm right.

Coworkers · Liz:Who's not here, Liz? / I don't know, Liz. / I love you. / Oh, I love you too.

Jack:So I might as well meet him and get it over with. I'll probably love him. After all, we're both Princeton men.

Jenna:Jenny McCarthy died? But who could have been slowly poisoning her? Was she poisoned? I have no way of knowing, because I'm just hearing about it.

Jenna:I just found out this morning — Teri Polo and Ving Rhames called me at home.

Jenna:Kenneth, do this for me, someone I hope you consider a friend, and who in return thinks of you as sort of an albino slave-monkey.

Liz:A statement from TGS head writer Elizabeth Lemon... I gotta get a real headshot.

Liz:And now, I am headed home for a 'nooner,' which is what I call having pancakes for lunch.

Liz:I am headed home for a 'nooner,' which is what I call having pancakes for lunch.

Jenna:Picking a lock is like riding a bike. They're both skills you need to escape the Atlanta Falcons' equipment room.

Jenna:Picking a lock is like riding a bike. They're both skills you need to escape the Atlanta Falcons' equipment room.

Jenna:Are you as turned on as I am right now?

Jenna:Kenneth, I'm going to tell you what I told Phil Spector. 'It's gonna be okay, baby. We just have to get some trash bags and get back here before anyone's the wiser. Then we can keep recording my album.'

Pete:Oh, come on, Subhas. Got to keep daddy's special sleepy-place clean.

Criss:I think I saw Billy Dee Williams in Riverside Park this morning when I was meeting dogs.

Jack:Now that seems like a good use of time for a busy entrepreneur.

Jack:I like how his voice goes up at the ends of sentences. That's very masculine.

Jack:Oh, my. Is that a tan line on Criss' thumb? Did Criss used to wear a thumb ring? / Oh, better hold on to this one. He's getting a free muffin soon.

Jack:Oh, my. Is that a tan line on Criss' thumb? Did Criss used to wear a thumb ring? / Oh, better hold on to this one. He's getting a free muffin soon.

Jack:Wow, I've never seen a Sunglass Hut credit card before.

Criss · Liz:Which totally supports your theory that the Phillie Phanatic is biologically a female. Oh, yeah, if you watch those games, that thing definitely has a menstrual cycle.

Idiot Protester:We're here, we're proud, I came up with this rhyme!

Tracy · Scuba Guy:Frat guys, DJs, loud-mouthed old bitches, investment bankers, the tramp-stamped, parrot-heads, anti-vaccination crusaders, and people who won't shut up about scuba diving. / It's a whole other world down there.

Scuba Protester:It's a whole other world down there.

Denise Richards:That's right. I'm an idiot. Surprised? Well, I am. For all 'intensive purposes.'

Tracy · Protester:We will be out here every day, misremembering movie quotes. / Because as Braveheart said, 'you can take our freedom, unless you take our lives.'

Jack · Liz:Am I in your head, Lemon? / Yes, but don't be so proud. I also have a lot of imaginary arguments with the couples on House Hunters. Why can't people look past paint color?

Jack · Liz:That week you wore those blue contact lenses. / I looked like Adriana Lima.

Liz · Jack:Do you have any water? / You know what, Lemon? Fine. You are technically an adult. You can do whatever you want.

Liz · Jack:Really? So I won? With the train thing? / I won't ask any questions about Criss again. / You promise? / Promise. With two 's's.

Liz:You certainly need idiots. Who do you think is watching your show? Funky taste-makers? Black nerds, jet blue passengers who fall asleep with the TV on, pets whose owners have died, and, uh, idiots.

Jack:Who do you think is watching your show? Funky taste-makers? Black nerds, jet Blue passengers who fall asleep with the TV on, pets whose owners have died, and, uh, idiots.

Jack · Liz:You wrote 'remember to DVR Kendra' on your hand. I think you can handle it. / Ah, no, damn it. Now I gotta pray for a marathon.

Liz:Ah, no, damn it. Now I gotta pray for a marathon.

Pete:Jiminy Cricket, copyright Walt Disney Company, 1940!

Kenneth:'For a complete catalog of our lighting products, visit our website.' We need a computer.

Jenna:'Maroney found in closet with unconscious married man and inbred virgin.' Again? No way. I have too much to lose now.

Jenna:I am this close to becoming the spokeswoman for the vaginal mesh industry. / Vaginal mesh. Nice try, prolapse.

Jenna · Kenneth:Now, if you want to take the fall for this, be my guest. But I can't be connected to it in any way. / Take what fall? / Oh, please. You said it yourself how many rules we've broken. 'B' and 'E', theft and destruction of company property. And who knows what we've done to Pete.

Kenneth:They'd kick me out of the page program faster than a fella can come up with folksy similes.

Tracy:I'm on my way. Any idea what bus I take to get there? 'Cause I'm in Chinatown, baby.

Liz:It's him. [Liz sees the check is from Jack]

Kelsey Grammer:# Who's that man behind the curtain / His kiss will make you certain / of the one name you'll be blurtin' / during love-making / Kelsey, Kelsey #