Idiots Are People Two! (1)

Oh, my God, is he dead? I... I don't know what happened.

Why would I even say that?

Hey, whatever happened to TiVo? Remember, you used to fast-forward, it'd make that sound? Boop-boop, boop-boop. Yeah. Yeah, then it'd be all like, bung-bung. - Boop-boop, boop-boop. - Bung-bung, bung-bung. - Bung-bung, bung-bung. - Boop-boop, boop-boop. Boop-boop, boop-boop.

And he/she has his/her baseball glove and baby. And both sets of genitals!

That was hard to track down. Today, almost all of them are in police evidence lockers.

German flag, please.

Jordan's comments have angered gay-rights groups and are likely annoying his co-workers who thought they'd linger over breakfast this morning, perhaps with a new lover. Wow, that is some detailed reporting, curry.

Oh, you mean my tote bag. Yes, I need a new one.

He's dating the charmin cub. I thought they were babies.

Him. Him. Her when she's drunk. I genuinely don't know. That one's a puzzler.

They make the Japanese look like the greeks.

Being gay is stupid. If you want to see a penis, take off your pants. If I got turned into a gay, I'd sit around all day and look at my own junk.

Do you think the people of Raleigh, North Carolina turned Clay Aiken gay? Why not? The Bronx turned me dyslexic.

I already called Glad, Liz Lemon. Thank you for calling Glad, stronger trash bags with less plastic. This is Diane. How may I help you? Hey Diane, it's Tracy Jordan. Sorry about what I said. Well, okeydokey.

Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out.

His name is 'Chris,' and I'm sorry, but for my own reasons... And 'Chris' is spelled? No 'h' and two 's's.

Criss is trying to... You can stop right there. He's an entrepreneur. He's currently meeting with investors in the hopes of starting an organic gourmet hot dog truck.

Good God! Where does this person live? Don't worry about it. How bad can it be? Jersey city? His parents' apartment? It's not a walk-up, is it? He's actually been living with me for the past month. Ah.

Where does this person live? Don't worry about it. How bad can it be? Jersey city? His parents' apartment? It's not a walk-up, is it?

Good God!

My jaw stopped popping. Listen.

Jenny McCarthy died? But who could have been slowly poisoning her? Was she poisoned? I have no way of knowing, because I'm just hearing about it.

He also said that he thinks, quote, 'sexuality is a continuum,' and he is but a voyager on a vast ocean of pleasure.

I just found out this morning, Teri Polo and Ving Rhames called me at home.

Especially now that I'm officially a 'B-list' celebrity, thanks to America's kids got singing.

who in return thinks of you as sort of an albino slave-monkey.

Kenneth, do this for me, someone I hope you consider a friend, and who in return thinks of you as sort of an albino slave-monkey. Aw, you think of me?

I guess someone's never been locked in a dog crate and thrown overboard for displeasing the sheikh.

And now, I am headed home for a 'nooner,' which is what I call having pancakes for lunch.

I am nonplussed, and that is the correct usage.

Wait. Why don't they do that?

Is that when you cry on the floor in your office? Nope, I do that when I see myself in the mirror on my birthday.

Crisis mode is when I down a couple of sleeping pills with scotch, pass out in my secret napping place, and hope I dream about that latina security guard.

Crisis mode is when I down a couple of sleeping pills with scotch, pass out in my secret napping place, and hope I dream about that latina security guard. The one you always kiss on the mouth. That's normal in Guatemala.

The one you always kiss on the mouth. That's normal in Guatemala.

Picking a lock is like riding a bike. They're both skills you need to escape the Atlanta Falcons' equipment room.

They're the same lights poultry farms use to keep the birds from pecking each other to death.

Kenneth. I'm going to tell you what I told Phil Spector. 'It's gonna be okay, baby. We just have to get some trash bags and get back here before anyone's the wiser. Then we can keep recording my album.'

I'm going to tell you what I told Phil Spector. 'It's gonna be okay, baby. We just have to get some trash bags and get back here before anyone's the wiser. Then we can keep recording my album.'

Kenneth. I'm going to tell you what I told Phil Spector. 'It's gonna be okay, baby. We just have to get some trash bags and get back here before anyone's the wiser. Then we can keep recording my album.'

Is that an Armenian name? Is he a space Armenian? I don't know. The Kardashians are Armenian, they're into black guys, so there's something to it...

Oh, better hold on to this one. He's getting a free muffin soon. Wow, I've never seen a sunglass hut credit card before.

Wow, I've never seen a sunglass hut credit card before.

Hmm. this guy might suck

Oh, yeah, if you watch those games, that thing definitely has a menstrual cycle. Right?

Frat guys, DJs, loud-mouthed old bitches, investment bankers, the tramp-stamped, parrot-heads, anti-vaccination crusaders, and people who won't shut up about scuba diving. It's a whole other world down there.

It's a whole other world down there.

That's right. I'm an idiot. Surprised?

Well, I am. For all 'intensive purposes.'

Because as Braveheart said, 'you can take our freedom, unless you take our lives.'

I also have a lot of imaginary arguments with the couples on house hunters. Why can't people look past paint color?

Although I don't know for sure, because I refuse to read literature that questions the morality of war.

Although I don't know for sure, because I refuse to read literature that questions the morality of war.

Criss-a, Criss, Criss, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss-a, Criss train!

I looked like Adriana Lima.

Black nerds, jet blue passengers who fall asleep with the TV on, pets whose owners have died, and, uh, idiots.

You wrote 'remember to DVR Kendra' on your hand.

Pete! It's Jenna! The woman you're in love with!

'Maroney found in closet with unconscious married man and inbred virgin.' Again? No way. I have too much to lose now.

Vaginal mesh. Nice try, prolapse.

They'd kick me out of the page program faster than a fella can come up with folksy similes.

Dot com, hold the steering wheel. I've got to leave my outgoing message. What did I just hit? Was that a person? Is that paint or blood? Dot com, this did not happen. We take this to our graves!

What did I just hit? Was that a person? Is that paint or blood? Dot com, this did not happen. We take this to our graves!

I called sunglass hut and got my credit limit raised to $80, plus, they told me I only needed 5,000 more shades points to get free lens wipes

# Who's that man behind the curtain # His kiss will make you certain # of the one name you'll be blurtin' # during love-making # Kelsey, Kelsey #

# his name is Kelsey, he's very wealthy # he doesn't have to be doing this #