Secret Santa

Well, he keeps telling me that he wants skinny jeans, so Cheese of the Month Club.

Oh, I wanna take that Internet photo of her nipple slip and have it made into a jigsaw puzzle.

Meet the parents.

Now, this picture will be my pholo... Not a word. Which is a contraction for photo and hello.

Youface. Who are you facing? [chuckling] No one.

Those sites are for horny married chicks with kids who want to exchange pervy emails with their old high school boyfriends.

Well, in my family, everybody just writes down what they want and then we give it to each other and everybody has a great Christmas.

So bath salts in a coffee mug would be... Not it.

She doesn't give the money because she knows that the card says, 'From the cast and writers of TGS', and she'll get credit for it anyway.

I should make up new cards that say, 'Happy holidays from everyone except Jenna.' But that would require me to have some remaining life force, Danny.

So I'm gonna go have a drink alone at the Oyster Bar.

I've been finger tagged, Lemon. Was it down by the subway entrance? 'cause I saw a gangly-looking kid down there.

That's the year my mom was born.

My first crush was Larry Wilcox. The blonde guy from Chips? Bowl haircut, thin lips, hoo.

Uh, this wasn't a TV crush. This was real. Oh, mine got pretty real.

I'll check her face-vault to see her previous bing-bings.

There are definitely faces here but they are not being treated with respect.

He takes the two worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules, and combines them!

And then the person with the highest number gives the smallest gift to the tallest person. If they wanna switch, they cannot, unless they do. Then everyone puts their head down except the murderer.

Like I need two copies of Over 60 Vixens.

Uh, the healing power of root beer... That a man can have up to nine wives if two of them are male.

And we always leave work to go to the movies on Merlinpeen.

I tried once. I bought him a $95 bottle of olive oil. In return, he got my sister out of a North Korean jail!

Even if I get into law school, I won't go!

That's my maiden name. I keep tellin' ya. Things have changed. But not your hair. It's like a shag carpet. I wanna sit on it and play a board game.

Yeah, I did plays in high school too. I was John Proctor in The Crucible. Oh, you went to an all-girls' school? No.

We were all jealous of Lisa Alberson 'cause she got to play his horse.

A picture of President Obama. For the muslims. I'm gonna let that one slide.

And a bowl of meat cubes with a picture of Jimmy Connors sticking out in the tradition of Verdukianism.

Verdukianism? That doesn't make sense. Jimmy is catholic.

♪ oh, meat bowl of verduke ♪ ♪ you bring me such pizza ♪

New dude is as good at singing as Tracy Jordan is at everything!

For the most wonderful reason of all: Christmas vengeance.

Canadians have a hard time recognizing it 'cause we don't have a big Jewish population.

I thought you'd have some hotshot young wife with black hair who says queer stuff like, 'dressing on the side.'

Was she a bitch or did you cheat? The former. The former? What are you, a newscaster?

I'll have you know that my husband happens to be a very prominent Pakistani anesthesiologist. No, I'm kiddin' ya. He's an Irish moron. Runs a roofing company.

So if you need your roof done, call someone else, Because my guy's... Not reliable.

I'm glad we, uh, never made out in high school. Otherwise this whole thing would be so awkward. Excuse me, we kissed every night on stage in Hey, Beantown.

But only because my mother told me that French kissing was for the Italians. They do love it.

But next thing I know you're gonna be telling me you're really blonde and have a urinary tract infection.

Because I'm so happy for you. It's definitely not a rage stroke.

Tonight is the Verdukian holiday of mouth pleasures. Misters Rossitano, Spurlock, and Lutz must have free sausage pizza followed by some gentle flossing performed by a blonde virgin.

Just a bunch of made-up rules to manipulate people. Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.

That finger touching his moustache is me.

Like going to the gym drunk.

She changed her status from 'working on it' to 'weirdsies.'

Oh, shark farts!

You are the one that's in trouble now, buddy, Because creativity to me is just like... It's like a bird, like a friendly bird that embraces all... Ideas and just, like, shoots... Out of its eyes all kinds of beauty.

Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemingway write. Mark Hemingway. Yeah.

That's what I said when that hot dog vendor passed out, But you made me go get help.

The program from this year's Asian women in television awards. Julie Chen's energy drink, Chenergize.

Sometimes my mom would take us to see Santa Claus, But that's just because she suspected one of them was my deadbeat dad.

So I'd have to get on every santa's lap in the Bakersfield area and scream, 'you oughta be ashamed of yourself, Travis!'

And then I'd sing carols in the middle of Sears just to create a distraction while my mom shoplifted.

You're just a Kenny Rogers doll now.

So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go buy some guitar music.

Yes, but not in the way you're talking about.

♪ doo doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, my friend is Jack ♪ ♪ if you like his necktie, pat him on the back ♪

Have you not read my terrible short story, The two paths of Virginia apple?

You know what would go real nice on that wall over there: A drawing of a frog. No. No. [silently] No.

Because somebody called in a bomb threat to Penn station? You're welcome.

Someone called in a bomb threat from your phone this morning. I renounce Verdukianism!

My angry God is punishing them. It's a Christmas miracle.

Are you Larry Wilcox? Yes, ma'am. This evening, you have permission to call me officer John Baker.

Well, he promised to get me on Dancing with the stars. But that's on ABC. Donaghy!