Jack’s interest in a new social networking site unexpectedly reconnects him with a high school crush. Kenneth tries to organize a Secret Santa Fun Swap, but not without resistance from some of the staff members. Meanwhile, Liz battles the task of buying a gift that’s good enough for Jack, and Jenna is horrified at the prospect of sharing her annual Christmas solo.
Secret Santa escalates absurdist chaos to 84 points with 2.56 jokes per minute.
Directed by Beth McCarthy-Miller · Written by Tina Fey
WAR
131.6
Wins Above Replacement
“Secret Santa” ranks #81 of 138 30 Rock episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 97.0 — Elite. The episode packs 81 scored jokes at 3.1 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.6 on impact, with Liz landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Tracy: That's what religion is, K-fed. Just a bunch of made-up rules to manipulate people. Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.
Tracy Absurdist Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Liz · Larry Wilcox: Are you Larry Wilcox? Yes, ma'am. This evening, you have permission to call me Officer John Baker. Oh, but uh, no sex stuff and no touching my gun.
Jenna: And then I'd sing carols in the middle of Sears just to create a distraction while my mom shoplifted.
Jenna Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Kenneth: My angry God is punishing them. It's a Christmas miracle.
Kenneth Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Liz · Jack: Nancy came back to say good-bye. Her train was cancelled. Because somebody called in a bomb threat to Penn Station? [pause] You're welcome. Merry Christmas.
Liz Jack Dark/Subversive Misdirection Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback All Jokes — 81 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Liz · Pete: Your hair's looking less weird. Thanks.
Liz Pete Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Liz: Pete keeps telling me he wants skinny jeans, so Cheese of the Month Club.
Liz Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Liz · Pete: I wanna take that Internet photo of her nipple slip and have it made into a jigsaw puzzle. Aw, she'll love that.
Liz Pete Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Pete · Liz: You guys remind me of that bantering couple in that old movie, um... [cut] Meet the Parents.
Jack: Youface. Who are you facing? [chuckling] No one.
Jack Wordplay/Pun Deadpan/Understatement Jack · Liz: Those sites are for horny married chicks with kids who want to exchange pervy emails with their old high school boyfriends. And since all your high school boyfriends are now gay — exactly.
Jack Liz Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Jack: Lemon, gift giving is the purest expression of friendship. I'm going to think about what I know and like about you and that will lead me to the perfect gift.
Jack Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Liz · Jack: So bath salts in a coffee mug would be... [cut] Not it.
Pete: She does this every year. She doesn't give the money because she knows the card says 'From the cast and writers of TGS' and she'll get credit for it anyway.
Pete Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Pete: I should make up new cards that say 'Happy holidays from everyone except Jenna.' But that would require me to have some remaining life force, Danny. So I'm gonna go have a drink alone at the Oyster Bar.
Pete Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jack · Liz: I've been finger tagged, Lemon. [Was it down by the subway entrance? 'Cause I saw a gangly-looking kid down there.]
Jack Liz Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Liz: That's the year my mom was born. [Would you get us some pens?]
Liz Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Liz: My first crush was Larry Wilcox. The blonde guy from CHiPs? Bowl haircut, thin lips, hoo.
Liz Character Comedy Observational Liz · Jack: Uh, this wasn't a TV crush. This was real. Oh, mine got pretty real.
Liz Jack Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Liz: I'll check her face-vault to see her previous bing-bings.
Jack: Is YouFace hyphenated? Huh. ...There are definitely faces here but they are not being treated with respect.
Jack Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Liz: He takes the two worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules, and combines them!
Liz Observational Character Comedy Liz: And then the person with the highest number gives the smallest gift to the tallest person. If they wanna switch, they cannot, unless they do. Then everyone puts their head down except the murderer. Oh wait, that's not right.
Liz Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Liz: The whole thing was so confusing I ended up getting my own crappy gift back. Like I need two copies of Over 60 Vixens.
Liz Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Frank · Spurlock: The healing power of root beer... That a man can have up to nine wives if two of them are male.
Lutz: And we always leave work to go to the movies on Merlinpeen.
Lutz Absurdist Character Comedy Jonathan: I tried once. I bought him a $95 bottle of olive oil. In return, he got my sister out of a North Korean jail!
Jonathan: Even if I get into law school, I won't go!
Nancy: But not your hair. It's like a shag carpet. I wanna sit on it and play a board game.
Nancy Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Liz · Nancy: I was John Proctor in The Crucible. [Oh, you went to an all-girls' school?] No.
Nancy: We were all jealous of Lisa Alberson 'cause she got to play his horse.
Nancy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Nancy · Jack: Remember those guys used to hang out by the cash register and mooch? He was a moocher.
Nancy · Jack: Nancy accuses Jack of being a moocher; he starts to deny it, she doubles down: 'He was a moocher.'
Kenneth: A picture of President Obama. For the muslims.
Kenneth Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Kenneth: A bowl of meat cubes with a picture of Jimmy Connors sticking out in the tradition of Verdukianism.
Kenneth Absurdist Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Tracy: Verdukianism? That doesn't make sense. Jimmy is Catholic.
Tracy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Frank · Lutz: ♪ Oh, meat bowl of Verduke / you bring me such pizza ♪ [♪ meatbowl ♪]
Frank Lutz Absurdist Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Tracy: What the whaaat? New dude is as good at singing as Tracy Jordan is at everything!
Tracy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Liz: 'I had Tracy playing Josh Groban last week.'
Liz Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Liz: For the most wonderful reason of all: Christmas vengeance.
Liz Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Liz · Danny: Danny suggests a duet with Jenna. Liz stifles laughter, then says 'Yes. A duet. Share the stage. She will LOVE that!'
Liz: Canadians have a hard time recognizing sarcasm 'cause we don't have a big Jewish population.
Liz Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Nancy: I can't believe you're not married. I thought you'd have some hotshot young wife with black hair who says queer stuff like 'dressing on the side.'
Nancy Character Comedy Observational Nancy · Jack: Was she a bitch or did you cheat? [The former.] The former? What are you, a newscaster?
Jack · Nancy: Whatever happened to your Boston accent? [Boston accent] You're a liar, Nancy Donovan. I never had a Boston accent.
Jack Nancy Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jack: What southie piece of trash did you trick into marrying you?
Jack Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Nancy: They have their heart set on the ESPN Zone. They've been talking about the Hideki Matsui Caliente Fajitas all week.
Nancy Character Comedy Absurdist Nancy · Jack: I'm glad we never made out in high school. Otherwise this whole thing would be so awkward. [Excuse me, we kissed every night on stage in Hey, Beantown.]
Nancy Jack Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Callback Nancy · Jack: Oh, that doesn't count. There wasn't even any tongue. But only because my mother told me that French kissing was for the Italians. They do love it.
Jack: How else do you think I got Mr. Sorrentino to cast me as the spirit of liberty?
Jack Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Callback Jenna: But next thing I know you're gonna be telling me you're really blonde and have a urinary tract infection.
Jenna Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Danny · Jenna: I'm sorry, is your nose bleeding? Yes. Because I'm so happy for you. It's definitely not a rage stroke.
Kenneth: Tonight is the Verdukian holiday of mouth pleasures. Misters Rossitano, Spurlock, and Lutz must have free sausage pizza followed by some gentle flossing performed by a blonde virgin.
Kenneth Absurdist Running Gag Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Tracy: That's what religion is, K-fed. Just a bunch of made-up rules to manipulate people. Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why. Because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.
Tracy Absurdist Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Kenneth · Liz: 'What if there's no God?' / 'Okay, time to go.' — Liz physically removes herself from the existential conversation
Tracy: We may have fallen into the intellectual deep end here. And if you try to grab on to me, we'll both drown.
Tracy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Kenneth · Frank: Secret Santa has been cancelled because I have lost my faith. [Something's changed in us. It's a Christmas miracle.] That certainly proves God exists. [If God existed, then he would punish you for what you did to me. And yet here you are unpunished. Ergo, our actions have no consequences.] So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go buy some guitar music.
Kenneth Frank Character Comedy Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Callback Liz · Jack: Nancy cupping Burt Reynolds' crotch at the wax museum. That finger touching his moustache is me.
Liz Jack Visual Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Liz: No, it's good. If Nancy didn't care about you, she'd leave you in. But she must feel weird about her husband seeing you there. She feels weird in a good way. Like going to the gym drunk.
Liz Observational Absurdist Liz Character Comedy Reaction Beat Jack · Liz: Don't tell me, Lemon, you spent $500 on a tie I already have at a store with a no returns policy. Oh, shark farts!
Jack Liz Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Callback Jack · Liz: But this is my lucky tie. And anyone who knows me well would know that. And just like I know you only wear that sweater when you're planning on eating pasta with red sauce.
Jack Liz Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Liz: You want to exchange creative gifts? Oh, well. You are the one that's in trouble now, buddy, because creativity to me is just like... it's like a bird, like a friendly bird that embraces all... ideas and just, like, shoots... out of its eyes all kinds of beauty.
Liz Character Comedy Absurdist Jack · Liz: Wow, Lemon, this is like watching Hemingway write. Mark Hemingway.
Jack Liz Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement Jenna · Liz: Did you hire this guy to hide in my dressing room and punch me in the throat? No. He's bigger than you said.
Jenna Liz Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Man · Jack: May I still collect my kiss? Vattene!
Man Jack Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Jenna: I got them this. The program from this year's Asian Women in Television Awards. Julie Chen's energy drink, Chenergize. A flip video. Wait, hang on, I didn't know this was in here.
Jenna Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Pete · Danny: Wow, you really get in the Christmas spirit. [snaps fingers] Oh my God. I just got sarcasm.
Pete Danny Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Jenna: Sometimes my mom would take us to see Santa Claus, but that's just because she suspected one of them was my deadbeat dad. So I'd have to get on every Santa's lap in the Bakersfield area and scream, 'You oughta be ashamed of yourself, Travis!'
Jenna Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jenna: And then I'd sing carols in the middle of Sears just to create a distraction while my mom shoplifted.
Jenna Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Liz: [You're just a Kenny Rogers doll now.] [visual: Kenneth wearing a Kenny Rogers doll costume or holding one]
Liz Visual Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Kenneth: Secret Santa has been cancelled because I have lost my faith.
Kenneth Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Frank: And yet here you are unpunished. Ergo, our actions have no consequences. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go buy some guitar music.
Frank Character Comedy Absurdist Escalation Callback Nancy · Jack: And you know how hard it is to get teenagers out of bed in the morning. Yes, but not in the way you're talking about.
Nancy: I'll hit ya on YouFace. But you gotta promise me to finger tag me back.
Nancy Wordplay/Pun Running Gag Callback Liz: ♪ Doo doo-doo-doo, doo-doo, my friend is Jack / If you like his necktie, pat him on the back ♪
Liz Character Comedy Absurdist Callback Liz: Have you not read my terrible short story, 'The Two Paths of Virginia Apple'?
Liz Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Liz · Jack: You know what would go real nice on that wall over there: a drawing of a frog. [No.] No. [silently] No.
Liz Jack Running Gag Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Nancy: Hey, Jack. My train got cancelled. I spent all day at Penn Station trying to get out. Figured I should finally take the hint and meet ya for that drink.
Nancy Misdirection Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Jack: The gender-blind Crucible. Framed in wood from the stage of your high school theater. Jonathan had to drive all over Pennsylvania and I did not reimburse him for gas. Zero dollars.
Jack Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Liz · Jack: Nancy came back to say good-bye. Her train was cancelled. Because somebody called in a bomb threat to Penn Station? [pause] You're welcome. Merry Christmas.
Liz Jack Dark/Subversive Misdirection Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Cop · Frank · Spurlock: All right, which one of you are Frank Rossitano and James Spurlock? They are we. You're under arrest. What did we do? Someone called in a bomb threat from your phone this morning.
Frank · Cop: I renounce Verdukianism! [What's that mean?] Are you Al Qaeda? Come here, pal!
Frank Cop Callback Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Kenneth: My angry God is punishing them. It's a Christmas miracle.
Kenneth Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Liz · Larry Wilcox: Are you Larry Wilcox? Yes, ma'am. This evening, you have permission to call me Officer John Baker. Oh, but uh, no sex stuff and no touching my gun.
Liz · Jack: Wait, how is this zero dollars? Well, he promised to get me on Dancing with the Stars. But that's on ABC. Donaghy!
Liz Jack Character Comedy Callback Misdirection ★ Rewatch Callback 