Lee Marvin Vs. Derek Jeter

Jack · Avery:Jack on the phone: 'I love it when you talk dirty to me' — responding to Avery's business-speak about Q1 results and 'flexibility'

Avery · Jack:'Think slutty Grace Kelly.' / 'Oh, God bless you. I'm picturing it right now.'

Jack · Avery:'And the opposite of that just walked in.' / 'Tell Liz I said hi.' / 'I will.'

Liz:Liz's birthday card recording: 'Test, test, test. This is a test for Jack's card. ♪ Wonder Woman ♪ Excuse me, how do you re-record on these things? Whatever. I'll definitely figure it out.'

Jack:'You look like a prison weed dealer.'

Liz:Liz defends her outfit: 'I'm coming back from a singles dodgeball match, okay?' and reveals the YMCA near her apartment offers 'a variety of singles activities' she is forcing herself to attend

Jack · Liz:'Lemon, are you wearing a cup?' / 'Oh, I forgot, only guys can get hurt there.'

Jack:Jack describes what Liz needs: 'You need an Avery... Simple, fun, uncomplicated. As my good friend and fox-hunting partner Mary J. Blige would say, "No more drama."'

Nancy:Nancy bursts in: 'It's done, Jack. I'm divorced! Ruh-ro!'

Liz:Flashback/cutaway to Liz at dodgeball screaming 'Eat it, bitch!' at a guy who was apparently flirting with her

Liz · Jenna:'I yelled at him about a rule violation.' / 'Oh...' / 'His foot was over the line.'

Liz:'Or, as I like to call it, singles fart suppression.'

Jenna:'I'm up for a role in National Lampoon's Van Wilder's Wingman, Inc.'

Liz:'I look forward to not watching that on an airplane.'

Tracy · Jack:Tracy, on the walkie-talkie, announces he heard there's 'a redheaded MILF walking around with some executive' — not realizing he's talking to that executive about the executive's companion

Jack:Jack stumbles on Nancy's name: 'Kenneth, would you please show Mrs. Dougherty... I'm sorry, um, Ms. Donovan, to the elevator?'

Kenneth · Nancy:Kenneth asks Nancy: 'Have we met before?' / Nancy: 'You shut your mouth!'

Liz:Liz tells Jack: 'Mrs. Doubtfire shimself could not do this.'

Jack · Liz:Jack tries on Liz's rec specs: 'Oh, God! The band is soaking!'

Tracy:Tracy: 'A guy on the subway just called me a biggledeeboo.' / 'It's an 18th-century word for dark-skinned Moor.'

Tracy:Tracy explains he's learned the word 'black' in every language 'just so I'll know when to be offended' — including dolphin: 'Eeeeeeeeeee! Eeeee-eeeee-ee-eee-eee-eee!'

Tracy:'Barry Obams is the one who brought it back!' — Tracy's theory that a Black president eliminated white guilt and thus enabled the return of racism

Tracy:Tracy's flashback/aside: a white woman clutches her bag and screams 'Aah! Black man!' — presented as evidence of racism

Dotcom · Tracy:Dotcom: 'Come to think of it, I saw a white judge on Law & Order last night.' Tracy: 'Oh, yeah, it's back on! Get ready, son.'

Tracy:Tracy tells Dotcom: 'All you've ever known is your affirmative-action job and Queen Latifah CoverGirl commercials.'

Liz · Jenna · Jerem:Line dancing class: instructor asks 'Are we expecting more men?' and the only man is Jerem, who announces 'I'm Jerem! I collect posters.' Instructor: 'Look at me, Jerem. I know all the steps.' / Jerem: 'Kind of.'

Instructor · Jerem:Line dancing instructor: 'I know all the steps.' / Jerem: 'Kind of.'

Nancy:Nancy gives Jack Schwitzer's Saltwater Taffy: 'I didn't have the heart to tell Mrs. Schwitzer that you've moved to New York, so I told her you were in jail for manslaughter.'

Nancy · Jack:The taffy flavor Jack and Nancy invented: 'Peanut Butter and Miller High Life'

Nancy:Nancy, sitting on the hotel bed: 'Is it really better than me?'

Jack · Nancy:Jack: 'It's not better. It's different. There's no way of knowing at this point which is better.' / Nancy: 'What? You're a wackadoo, Donaghy.'

Jack:'You always know you're at the right party when it feels like the Riddler is about to attack.'

Avery:Avery plans for the tabloids: '"Money Bunny Avery Jessup steps out with Sexecutive Jack Donaghy."'

Jack:Jack refuses to be photographed with Avery at the red carpet, claiming it's for FCC approval optics: 'Like Santa Claus taking a shower.'

Avery · Liz:Avery, obliviously trying to get Chelsea Handler's attention at the red carpet: 'Chelsea, hey, Chelsea Handler, over here!' while Liz is simultaneously trying to get Toofer's attention about his employment crisis

Toofer · Liz:Toofer to Liz: 'Earlier today, Tracy made the accusation that I am the beneficiary of affirmative action.' / Liz: 'Yeah, well, Tracy is a buffoon.' / Toofer: 'That is a 15th-century term for a black pirate! Racist!'

Liz:Liz explains Toofer's role: 'Look, Toof, you provide a point of view that is essential to keeping the diversity guy from bothering us.'

Liz · Toofer:Liz: 'Toofer, you are an invaluable member of our team.' / Toofer: 'Then why are my paychecks a different color than Frank's?'

Toofer · Liz:Toofer: 'I am about to utter two words a Harvard man never says.' / Liz: '"I'm cool"? No, I'm sorry. You can't set me up like that. Don't quit.'

Nancy · Jack:'Wow, you look like Mr. Monopoly.' / 'And you look like you won second prize in a beauty contest... Collect $10.'

Nancy:Nancy's minibar frugality: 'Oh, no, are you kidding me? At those prices?' — produces wine left over from her Amtrak ride

Nancy:Nancy's romantic request: 'can we wait until the morning to fool around? 'Cause I'm exhausted, and I got the night bloats.'

Nancy · Jack:Nancy: 'There's a Lee Marvin marathon on Turner Classics.' / Jack: 'I thought you said this wasn't going to be sexual.'

Jack:Jack's 'work call' is actually Derek Jeter's apartment: beer pong, New York Yankees vs. former mayors, $10K bet, Dinkins losing

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'How's your episode of Three's Company going?' / Jack: 'Like Three's Company, it's titillating, yet anxiety-producing.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'I need your help, Janet.' / Liz: 'Aw, man, being Janet sucks!'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'You were right, Lemon. I don't think I can do this. Whichever one I'm with, I think she's the one. How do you choose between Lee Marvin and Derek Jeter?' / Liz: 'On looks, Lee Marvin.'

Liz:Liz on Jack juggling two women: 'You're gonna blow it, and you're gonna end up alone, and you're gonna have to go to singles dodgeball.'

Jack:Jack on romantic confidence: 'I am successful romantically because I am confident, open, and positive. You are negative, pessimistic, and in danger of becoming permanently sour.'

Jack:Jack: 'And even worse, they're both going to lose me.'

Liz:Liz: 'I'm reading a book called Hiding Your Arms, Hiding Your Anger. F*cking dating over 35.'

Tracy · Pete:Pete asks Tracy to call Toofer and talk sense into him: 'Oh, yeah, just ask the black guy, 'cause we all know each other.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'Pete, could you tell a bald eagle to stop scaring me at zoos?'

Tracy · Pete:Tracy: 'This workplace has become a hotbed of old-school racism.' / Pete: 'Come on, Trey, no one here is racist.' / Tracy: 'Oh, yeah? How come I'm always forced to play ridicarus characters that don't enununcia tewell.'

Jenna · Lutz:Jenna: 'So maybe your problem is that you're finally being treated like everybody else.' / Lutz: 'So what? Look at Italians. We're always portrayed either as goombahs or guidos, but we don't care because we're successful members of society.'

Liz · Tracy · Dotcom:The Disney Princess debate: 'There actually hasn't been a white princess since 1991.' / Tracy and group: 'Tiana, Mulan, Pocahontas, Jasmine... Wow, she's right!'

Jenna:Jenna: 'There are little blonde girls in this country who have no idea they can be beautiful. That's why I started "Jenna's Kids." It's a summer camp that teaches pretty blonde girls how to be mean.'

Toofer:Toofer returns midway and explains: 'Liz has invited me back as a budgeted employee. Apparently, I am the only one among us who can spell.'

Avery · Jack:Avery on age difference: 'Sure, people in this restaurant might think you're my dad...' / Jack: 'Or that you're my prostitute.' / Avery: 'Exactly.'

Jack · Avery:Jack, panicking about their age gap: 'I'm just saying, are we kidding ourselves with this? I'm 51 years old. Do you even know who Lee Marvin is?' / Avery: 'The sportscaster who bites ladies. Who cares?'

Avery:Reagan's cufflinks — 'Reagan was buried in. Don't ask how I got them. But I do know the access code to his pyramid.'

Avery · Jack:Jack, receiving Reagan's cufflinks: 'Someday you'll be as great a man as he was.' / Jack: 'I do like jelly beans.'

Liz:Liz arrives at the wine and cheese singles event sharing a room with a youth karate class: 'I mean, sure, it's a little bright in here, and they could have rescheduled that youth karate class... All: Yes, sensei.'

Liz:Liz at singles wine and cheese: 'I mean, sure, it's a little bright in here, and they could have rescheduled that youth karate class...'

Liz · Jenna · Man:The man corrects Jenna: 'they weren't marines. Some of them were former marines, but they were mercenaries working for a space mining company.' Jenna: '...' Man leaves.

Jenna:Jenna: 'What are you doing? I was warming him up for you, and you start talking about space mining?'

Liz:Liz cataloguing why she can't approach men: beard (unknown contents), tattoo guy (too promiscuous), T-shirt tucked into jeans (dismissive sound), 'That guy looks like he'd just be mean to me'

Jenna:Jenna: 'Hey, I'm no relationship expert. The last time I used a birth control device, it was the '70s, and it looked like soap on a rope.'

Jenna:Jenna to Jerem at the event: 'Jerem, look how drunk I am, and how full of cheese my mouth is!'

Jerem:Jerem: 'That's not that much cheese.'

Liz:Liz's monologue: 'I want someone who will be monogamous and nice to his mother... shut his mouth when I'm watching Lost... thinks being into cars is lame... strip clubs are gross... will actually empty the dishwasher instead of just taking out forks as needed, like I do... clean hands and feet, and beefy forearms like a damn Disney prince.'

Russian man:Russian man overhearing Liz's speech: 'You making much English. This is fun alcoholics meeting!'

Pete · Liz:Pete reveals Liz attended University of Maryland on a 'partial competitive jazz dance scholarship' — from a Title IX program

Pete · Liz:Pete reveals Liz was only hired by Second City 'because they needed someone who could remember to feed the theater cat.' / Liz: 'Oh, no... Otis.'

Pete:Pete: 'The only reason NBC picked up the Girlie Show is because of the flak they got from women's groups after airing the action drama Bitch Hunter.'

Tracy:Tracy walks in: 'Happy birthday, bitches!'

Liz · Tracy:Liz's cascade of realizations: '...or Lutz, with his Bs in Inuit ancestry, or you, whose dad was in the Masons with Dave Garroway. I shouldn't be here.' / Tracy: 'This is America. None of us are supposed to be here.'

Pete:Pete: 'This is America. None of us are supposed to be here.'

Liz:Liz: 'I need to dance this out.' [dances]

Liz · Jack:Jack: 'Jack, would TGS have gotten on TV if I was a dude?' / Jack: 'No, it was affirmative action. Why do you think your checks aren't the same color as Howie Mandel's?'

Liz:Liz dancing out her feelings — presumably visible on screen as a deeply committed but inelegant physical expression

Liz · Jack:Liz looks at both gifts — the taffy and the Reagan cufflinks — and delivers a dramatic speech about what each represents. Jack: 'Yes, Lemon, I get it.'

Jack · Liz:Jack: 'I choose... Avery! Right? Yes.' / Liz: 'Okay, but are you sure it's not just because you saw Avery last?'

Nancy:Nancy to Liz: 'Hey, Liz, how'd it go with the guys at dodgeball? You let one in? Into your heart, I mean. God.'

Nancy:Nancy proposes she come back: 'I cook you a pot roast, we drink too much wine, and see how it goes?'

Toofer · Pete · Tracy:Toofer returns: 'Apparently, I am the only one among us who can spell.' / Pete: 'Welcome back, James.' / Tracy: 'Hang on, who's James?'

Tracy · Pete · Frank:Nickname suggestions for Toofer/James: 'Victoria Q. Nerdballs,' 'Kanye East,' 'Super Virgin!' 'Splock, short for "black Spock."' 'Three-fer, 'cause you're also gay.'

Toofer · group:Toofer surrenders: 'Okay, fine, fine! Toofer. I'll just go back to Toofer.' / Everyone: 'Yay! Welcome back!'