Floyd

Liz:I met him on kdate, which is the personals section of the Kraft Foods website.

Liz · Jenna:He owns a cockatiel named Arliss. / Oh, God.

Liz:Okay, universe, send me a white football player — no kickers or linemen.

Pete:Danny was nominated for a Juno, which is like a Canadian Grammy.

Danny:♪ The crowd's getting loud / Scotiabank Place / Make a hockey-loving face / At Scotiabank Place ♪

Danny:It's an honor just to be nominated in the same category as Sir Dave Coulier.

Danny:There's gonna be a profile of me in the New York Times as filler because of dwindling ad sales.

Frank:I am sick of that guy's positive energy.

Lutz:Like, what if we trick him into kissing me? It'd be so funny because I'm not gay.

Lutz:This is the most friends I've ever had.

Kenneth:You say that so often, you should come up with a shortcut word for it, like 'ivatrennapra.'

Pete:Well, Danny's interview with the New York Times comes out today, so 'ivatrennapra.'

Kenneth · Pete:A what? / If Tracy and Jenna hear about it, they'll get jealous and act out, and as much as I want to, I can't slap the brat out of them.

Pete:Yes. Tell them your stories. They'll hate that.

Kenneth:Silly Mr. Hornberger. Always saying hate when he means love.

Liz:Just tell me now if you've grown a goatee.

Floyd:No, no, no goatee, just chola eyebrows.

Jack:With a female page? Don't worry. They disappear all the time.

Jack:Typical liberal media. That's why I get all my news from Dick Cheney's website — dickviews.com.

Danny:I never said that Liz banged her way to the middle, or that Jenna kidnapped a Swedish au pair to use as a hair farm, and I never called Tracy clean and articulate.

Danny:Why would I? He's not.

Jack:It's a hoax. The New York Times doesn't have a staff writer named Seymour Nips.

Jack:My guess is this is the work of Frank, the black one, and... Lutz.

Danny · Jack:You're handsome. / So are you, Jack. / I wasn't fishing, but thank you.

Jack:At Princeton, I was in a secret society. One time we snuck up to Dartmouth, put their mascot in a box, and sent it to Mexico City. We didn't know until the next day that it was an actual Indian. He didn't speak a word of English, like all Dartmouth men.

Jack · Danny:What's the most handsome animal? / The silver panther.

Liz · Jenna:Guess who called me? / The boob job recall center?

Liz:My ex-boyfriend, the only good boyfriend I've ever had — recovering alcoholic, he used to work in this building.

Floyd · Kaitlin · Today Show Host:Cut to the Today show where Floyd is with his fiancée Kaitlin — the visual reveal that he's engaged and competing to get married on TV.

Liz:Whahk?

Kenneth:An old Gus is the biggest catfish in the pond. Legend has it, the only bait that'll catch old Gus is a piece of old Gus himself. So every time they catch him, they cut off a little piece of him so they can catch him again.

Tracy · Kenneth:Now, how did the very first person catch old Gus? / Well, that's a story for another time — / Right now.

Kenneth:So if my grandfather hadn't gotten on the wrong train that day, he never would have met his wife's murderer.

Kenneth:I wonder what Hawaii's state quarter is gonna be? / Nobody knows. But here are several hundred guesses — a pineapple, a coconut...

Jack:Lemon, could I have your weakness files on Frank, Toofer, and Lutz?

Jack:I thought that Nancy would leave her husband for me, and it's not going to happen. They're Boston Irish Catholic — they mate for life, like swans, like drunk... angry swans.

Floyd (on TV) · Liz:Vote for Floyd and Kaitlin. I love this woman. / Oh, my God. I can hear him on the plaza.

Liz · Floyd:Hey, keep it down out there! / This isn't Liz.

Jack:You are not a silver panther.

Liz · Jack:I mean, it's like, on TV, it used to be you couldn't say crap, and then they let that slide. And now we can say whatever we want — douche bag, asswipe. / Anal rot. / Exactly.

Liz:So I'm simply gonna ask Floyd, as a friend and former intercourse companion...

Jack · Liz:Mcshanley's? The place where you got food poisoning from the fish three times? / So? / So are you sure you're not planning to get Floyd sick and sabotage his chance of winning?

Liz:Rejection from society is what created the X-Men.

Kenneth:So to get there, you start on old barn road. Then you take the first left, then the next left, then the next left, and then another left. That'll take you around the quarry, which is real pretty. I just wanted you to see it. That'll put you back on old barn road.

Jack (as news reporter):We are getting a report from right here at Rockefeller Center that there is a toxic gas leak in the building. The type of gas is unknown, but it is triggering the building's autolocks.

Frank:So much of my life have I wasted putting things on hats!

Pranksmen (as fake news broadcast):The monster cannot detect the smell of human skin. Anyone still inside should disrobe immediately.

Frank:I'm keeping my hat on. I don't care, man.

Jack:Gentlemen, I wanted some of the TGS dancers to see this. Now we're even, guys. As you were, nerds.

Toofer:Surculus et pruna. Surculus et pruna.

Kenneth:Now, I don't have a lot of experience reading stuff out loud to people, so I'm gonna do this the most normal way I can think of. Space, space, space, space, space, space, my autobiography, space, space, space, space, space, by Kenneth Ellen Parcell. Space, space, space, space, space. / Thank you.

Jenna · Liz:Liz, last night I had a very graphic dream about Kenneth. / What? Ugh! / I know. It's disgusting.

Tracy:I had a dream that Kenneth and I got intimate in a portable jacuzzi. It was crazy. Glistening black and white skin — it looked like a close-up of a killer whale being born.

Jenna:This one was so graphic. Kenneth and I were married and living in Indianapolis. We had kids. What kind of sick mind dreams that? It was disgusting!

Tracy:Just like this amazing city that we live in.

Toofer · Frank:Surculus et pruna is the motto of the Twig and Plums. And their motto is, 'Above all, be boring.' / Twig and Plums is a Princeton secret society, and Jack is clearly a member. So if someone says 'Twig and Plums' in front of a member, he has to find an excuse to leave the room, no matter what he's doing.

Jack · Toofer:But during the period of the '90s... / Twig and Plums! / Thank you, folks. Excuse me, I have tickets to a Harry Connick Jr. Concert.

Frank:Jack messed with the wrong fat losers.

Toofer · Jack:Twig and plums. / Excuse me, gentlemen. I have a, uh... veterinary appointment.

Floyd · Liz:I could have sworn you watched the Early Show on CBS. / The Early Show? What am I, in a hospital?

Floyd · Liz:Believe me, if I had a time machine, I would go back and do it differently. / You want to split some mozzarella sticks? / Aagh! I didn't go back far enough.

Liz:I was in a reenactment on America's Most Wanted once, playing a lady strangled on the toilet.

Jenna:What would you like for dinner, Mr. Jordan — barbecue or me?

Tracy · Jenna:How do I know this isn't a dream? / Wait a minute. All my teeth are loose, so we're good. It's real.

Tracy:We have to Elm Street this. We have to go to sleep and kill Kenneth in our dreams.

Jack · Toofer:I don't know who the hell told you to say that, Rossitano, but you have no idea — / Twig and plums. / I have to go to an intervention for my... travel agent.

Liz · Floyd:So that's your second salmon. How are you feeling? / Like a rock star.

Liz · Waiter:It has alcohol in it? / No, no, he doesn't drink. / Oh, don't worry. The alcohol cooks down with the fish. / But what if you get the sauce on the side, and it isn't cooked with the fish? / That would explain why we have so many drunk kids here.

Liz:This is the slippery slope.

Floyd:Squeeze in one last ride at Six Floyds Amusement Park? Well, we're closed. Sorry.

Floyd:One, blonde. Two, she's alive... like a deer. She runs and sniffs and jumps and stares. She's not like the badger with its glasses and its rules about weekday sex.

Liz:Those are good rules. People have work in the morning.

Floyd:How are you still single, Liz? There's so many guys out there that want to be poisoned and yelled at.

Floyd:Salmon for everyone... on me.

Tracy · Jenna · Kenneth (dream version):Tracy and Jenna in their dreamscape — attempting to attack a dream-Kenneth, who is portrayed as a supernatural figure they're trying to kill Elm Street-style.

Jenna · Pete:Uh, controlling our dreams? We can explain, Pete. / Unbelievable. It is way too early for this, guys. I haven't even had my first cup of wine today.

Jack:Hello, Frank. I think you know where I am. I just happened to run into your mom at a T.J. Maxx in Queens, and we came back here for some cannoli and red wine. She's a lovely woman. I'll be leaving soon. I'm a gentleman... as is Danny.

Danny:Hey, Frank. Your mom's a hugger.

Jack:Don't push me, Frank. You won't enjoy the next tape. Your mom might, though. And I believe Toofer and Lutz also have mothers.

Frank:Pranksmen... stand down.

Today Show Host · Floyd:In this hour, spring cleaning — / Boring! Boring! Floyd, come on. / Hey, you guys wear so much makeup, you know that? / Floyd! Have you been drinking? / Shut up, kit kat!

Liz:Mm. / Ah, false alarm! Saved it. / All right.

Liz Lemon:To make it up to you, I hope that you'll accept these TGS mouse pads and a man's wallet with the Dateline logo on it.

Liz:I hope that you'll accept these TGS mouse pads and a man's wallet with the Dateline logo on it.

Kaitlin · Liz:I'm not mad, Liz. This is a relief. I thought he'd gone off the wagon 'cause of me. / No. Even drunk, he only had really nice things to say about you and your butt.

Floyd:God, I don't remember any of that. Did I fall down while I was with you? 'Cause my lower back is killing me.

Liz:And if you go on a cruise for your honeymoon, may it be free of pirates. / Outie 5000.

Liz Lemon:And if you go on a cruise for your honeymoon, may it be free of pirates. Outie 5000.

Kaitlin:Liz, look, maybe this is crazy, but I don't have any female friends because, you know, my body. And I was just wondering...

Liz:And now I have agreed to do a reading from Corinthians at Floyd's wedding. So instead of avoiding seeing Floyd getting married... I'm in the wedding party. Yeah.

Pete · Tracy · Jenna:I've had enough of both of you. Your bad behavior stops now! / Absolutely, sir. We promise. / And we are never, never taking you for granted again. In fact, we'd like to sing you a thank-you song.

Tracy · Jenna · Kenneth:Thank you, Kenneth. / Oh, I'll show you how to thank me.

Kenneth:Let's do this. Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up. Wake up.