Its Never Too Late For Now

Hang on. Why do you have a cat? And a fanny pack? And your ponytail, it's being held up by a chip clip.

I've had three chances... Floyd, then Carol, and I was once in an elevator with Tom Brokaw, and I blew all three... Opportunities!

I have adopted this cat, named her Emily Dickinson... Oh, come on! Named her Emily Dickinson.

Recent breakup, fanny pack, cat? Quick. Who is the lead character on NCIS?

I took the money I was saving for my honeymoon, and I bought a cemetery plot.

You know there's a movie of that, right? I did not.

Since inventing democracy, those guys have been coasting.

We're calling her Liddy, after Liddy Dole, G. Gordon Liddy, and my martial arts instructor Li Di.

Meeting magazine is already calling it 'the first great meeting of the decade.'

It's okay. Don't worry. You just keep watching Bridalplasty. Alysinna died last week.

These women run your household, so you have to keep them happy, which means not saying anything as your DVR fills up with Trinidadian soap operas.

I can fit Emily Dickinson's whole head in my mouth.

♪ Everybody's workin' for the weekend ♪ What? Yep. I was in Loverboy.

I had to choose between staying in the band or taking that college scholarship to study TV budgeting.

But let's just say you're at the market, buying potatoes. And that ten-pound bag of potatoes costs... $400.

So, what you wan' do? / It was nice negotiating with you, and, uh, here is all of your money.

I am not gonna just sit and watch you plummet into spinsterhood. Why are you talking so fast? Because I'm upset! Also I've been taking these new Czechoslovakian organ-slimming pills.

They contain a little bit of meth, which is something my body needs anyway.

I like to do it with an NBA player, because it's fun wordplay and they're mean.

I didn't give up when Eric Roberts abandoned me in the desert, and I won't now. No judgment, Liz. Mr. Roberts thought I was dead.

I like my tampons to be cold.

If I had done that during a mock negotiation in business school, professor Widmer would have spanked me in front of the whole class, bare bottom.

Professor Widmer would have given you a 'good job' spanking.

But you do, right? Yes. But Sherry can't prove that I love Liddy, so I renegotiate under new conditions, specifically, that I hate my newborn daughter.

I could never pretend to hate my beautiful baby daughter, Emily Dickinson the cat.

I could never pretend to hate my beautiful baby daughter, Emily Dickinson the cat.

She is one of two people ever to have thrown up on me, and I haven't spoken to Joe Namath since that Mardi Gras.

I don't think Liddy looks like me, so evolutionarily, that makes me want to eat her.

Please stay. I'll send everyone in your family to college.

I participated in hands across America.

Oh, the color is actually called 'grandfather's shoe.'

That's my drink! I keep a thermos of it by my toilet!

I participated in hands across America.

Seriously, why can't droids go into the cantina? I mean, Ponda Baba can try to shoot Luke... but a protocol droid is somehow a problem.

Ew, Julia Roberts in a movie about eating? Give me Kirstie Alley, somebody who knows what she's doing.

My heart's pounding like I'm watching Oprah's farewell season.

Some helpless, pathetic, useless thing that would die if left alo... Oh, God, I do have that. I have NBC.

Oh, way to go, Liz! Attagirl! Walk of shame! You bow-legged bitch!

I once saw an Internet video of a mouse and a bird that are friends.

A vast conspiracy involving multiple agents and precise, coordinated efforts.

Then why is my ibuprofen bottle still sealed? Ah.

What, this? I got hit by a bird on a roller coaster.

You had to sign your crime, didn't you? You're the one who gave me those moDVDs.

She calls it... Funky juice.

He certainly wasn't a Swiss prostitute that Martha Stewart recommended to me.

Oh, God, a hawk got her! Emily Dickinson!

♪ Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, unh, unh, unh. ♪