Tgs Hates Women

Jenna:My publicist just called from rehab. I made the internet.

Liz:It's this really cool feminist web site where women talk about how far we've come and which celebrities have the worst beach bodies.

Jenna:Ruth Bader Ginsburg!

Jenna:"Comedy's freshest female voice." Take that, Courtney Thorne-Smith.

Jenna · Liz:Jenna's 'TGS' clips: Amelia Earhart / period / questions / period / nuke England — all ending with 'Oh, no. My period!'

Jenna:Oh, my period! / You're all fired!

Liz · Jack:Do you think I hate women? / Absolutely. But it's not your fault. You are genetically predisposed to compete against other women for the attention of strong, powerful men like myself or others very similar to me. For example, Hercules, the highlander, or, uh...God.

Liz:I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor said if I keep doing it my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

Jack:Female jealousy is an evolutionary fact, Lemon. If you try to breed it out of them, you end up with a lesbian with hip dysplasia.

Liz:I'm like a human bra.

Jack · Liz:She's got good energy. Hire her immediately. / See? I'm not threatened by the fact that men are attracted to her. / Please, Lemon. It's got nothing to do with her hot mouth.

Jack · Liz:Like Hank Hooper says in his book, 'New blood is the lifeblood of every company's blood.' He's not a strong writer.

Liz:Hank Hooper. Isn't that the guy who outbid no one for NBC?

Liz:Well, believe in yourself and you will reach your goals. I read that on a bottle of women's exercise water.

Jack · Liz · Kaylie:There is a potential successor, so to get what I want, I must find a way to destroy her. / Her? It's a woman? / Well, not exactly. Hi, I'm Kaylie Hooper. I'm 14 years old and I'm waiting in line to meet Justin Bieber...

Jack:Her parents' generation was lost to 'trust fund kids' disease. The aunt smokes pot and 'paints.' The father is trying to sail an inflatable castle across the Atlantic.

Jack:To become a doctor's nurse or a lawyer's mistress or even the president of the United States Shopping Association.

Liz · Jack:Meanwhile, I'm helping women achieve their potential. Because potential is the difference between what you can't do and what can't you do. / Did you get that off of a water bottle? / No, I sent it in, but Aquafem did not choose it.

Writers:Girl coming! / This is a big opportunity for us. She does not know how much we suck. / But she'll find out soon enough. I mean, how long did it take the women here?

Writer (science guy):I don't know. How long does it take to see something? I mean, light travels at 186,000 miles per second, so... / No duh!

Writers:Being ourselves doesn't work. So to have a chance with Abby, we're creating new identities. I'm going to pretend to be rich. And I'll be a dangerous bad boy. And I shall be British. 'Cause chicks dig British guys.

Writer:Sir Ian McKellen? That dude must be knee-deep in boob.

Writer · Lutz:And if you guys don't go along with this, Lutz will play Xbox Kinect with his shirt off again. / [Star jump! I found the chrysalis!]

Jack:Now, you may have heard of J. Fred Muggs, the chimpanzee that was on The Today Show in the '50s. But what most people don't know is that NBC is still a network.

Kaylie:I tried to get [the cleaner wrasse] chosen as our school mascot, but, well, I was outvoted. So our new mascot is a slut.

Jack:He discovered the Titanic, the Lusitania, and according to his website, a guilt-free cheesecake recipe.

Jack:Please follow me to Brian Williams' bathroom, which is also J. Fred Muggs' skull.

Writer (fake British):West ham drew nil-nil at wolves?

Liz · Writer:Don't you know I'm talkin' 'bout a femolution? / Tracy Chapman. She's a woman, right?

Abby · Writers:Abby: 'Oh, where's little Abby gonna sit? Guess I'll have to sit on somebody's lap.' / Writers: 'Eenie... meenie... minie... moe!' with increasing desperation

Abby:Look at all these dudes! I knew I smelled sausage.

Abby · Liz:Our nips just touched. / Mine are so hard. / Mine are different sizes.

Liz:Give me strength, oh, Oprah.

Liz:When I first started working here, an eight-year-old Shirley Temple taught me how to roll a cigarette.

Jack:Lemon, who thinks gesturing with one's thumbs is for poor people and is going to be the next CEO of Kabletown? / This guy. [thumbs gesture]

Jack:Practice frottage on a poster of Linda Ronstadt and meet your idol. Like when I met Jacques Cousteau. I will never forget what he said to me. / [pause] Oh, I did forget. It was so long ago.

Jack · Liz:I should dig up my old shell collection and give it to her. Complete the seduction after Bob Ballard and I double-team her. / Word choice, Jack. / Withdrawn.

Abby:Is it cold in here or is it just that I'm not wearing any underwear?

Liz · Writer:New York gives us a tax break for employing sex offenders. / It's a terrible program. / What's that? / Oh, I don't know. Is it a stain? / Nobody knows.

Jenna:She's being hot and doing baby talk? I invented that. Summer of '98, I took it to a whole new level.

Jenna:There can't be two of us, Liz. She must be destroyed.

Jenna:I'll start by spreading a destructive rumor about her like the famous one I made up about Jamie Lee Curtis. That she has two butts.

Jack · Abby:Hi. I'm Jack. It's nice to meet you. / [Jack reacts to Abby's baby-talk response with visible discomfort]

Bob Ballard · Jack:The male is much smaller and is basically a parasite that lives on her. Until mating, of course. Then the male dies. / Yes, the scientific term for that is 'marriage.' Don't tell Gina I said that.

Bob Ballard:I'm not gonna live forever, no matter how much gold I give Poseidon.

Bob Ballard:And we keep finding new things. Giant tube worms that breathe hydrogen sulfide. Arctic jellyfish. Oh! And a chemical in kelp that scientists think might one day cure ice cream headaches.

Bob Ballard · Jack:I'm making you a student argonaut. / [Cut to Jack] Is there an age cutoff for the student argonauts? / What if you gave me a sticker as a joke?

Jack:[Jack in fantasy sequence, standing at bow of ship, singing a sea shanty] 'There she is, men. The elusive northern right whale.' ♪ Oh blow the wind westerly ♪

Abby · Liz:Is this where you got your v-card punched? / What? No. Does this look like the makeup room of a clown academy?

Liz:Eleanor Roosevelt. First lady to the world, champion of the rights of women, and the lid on my high school lunch box.

Abby:But I like my pigtails. My uncle says they're sexy.

Abby · Liz:And what's the difference between me using my sexuality and you using those glasses to look smart? / I am smart. I placed out of freshman German.

Abby · Liz:Or Lutz using that sexy English accent to get me in the sack? / No! You didn't! Lutz? / Is that even possible? / I mean, I was there when he belvedered.

Liz · Abby · Male bystander:God, Abby, you can't be that desperate for male attention. / You know what, Liz? I don't have to explain myself to you. My life is none of your business. / Except it is because you represent my show and you represent my gender in this business and you embarrass me. / Kiss!

Jack · Kenneth:Kenneth, when I'm gone, how do you think people will remember me? / Actually, sir, I've already started to compose a heroic ballad commemorating your life. ♪ Slaves of Jesus ♪ ♪ hear my tale ♪

Jack:I'll tell you what they'll say. 'Hey, remember Jack Donaghy? He wore a lot of suits and went to a lot of meetings. Now power down, conversation robot.'

Kenneth:When I have problems, I like to talk to the man upstairs. Unfortunately, Mr. Guzelian got put in jail for attacking his father.

Kenneth:I hope my legacy is a Sesame Street type TV show that promotes illiteracy in girls.

Jack:'Remember Jack Donaghy? He was the world's greatest oceanographer. And we walruses owe him everything for giving us the gift of language.'

Jack:[Beat] No.

Abby:I'm thinking to myself, 'whatever happened to the erasable pen?' Besides pencils, who's saying that's a bad idea?

Jenna:I knew her boobs were fake. And that baby voice is fake too. You know, as someone who speaks very naturally, I'm offended.

Jenna:Abby used to be a strong, smart, beautiful woman. Why did she transform herself into that baby hooker? / Oh. Children's book idea: Baby hooker. Don't tell Liz.

Jack · Various voices:Who else is on the call? / Katherine Scott, sales. Andy Hoberman, web sales. Gil Coughlin, oversight. I've got everyone from meeting planning. Tricia, Maria, Greg, Greg P., Lyle, Edwin. / This is Charles. I'm on for Douglas. / No, Charles. I'm on, but I just dialed in.

Jack:I could ask you the same thing, but that would make no sense.

Jack:The negative is in my personal safe along with my will and some beanie babies that I thought would be worth more.

Kaylie:Quiet, chalk-hands. A real man is talking.

Kaylie:Same reason you're reading Pop-Pop's book. Researching the enemy.

Jack · Kaylie:I can always seduce one of your teachers and get her to fail you. / I'd be into that. / Me too.

Jack · Kaylie:Better pick up your books or you'll be late for class. / This is my free period. / Well played.

Jack · Kaylie:Better pick up your books or you'll be late for class. / This is my free period. / Well played.

Unknown writer or character (stand-up context):You know what sucked about my last lesbian orgy? Right in the middle of it, one of us had to get up to go use the bathroom and then we all had to go!

Writer · Liz:Yeah, come sit on my struikgewas. / On a chair. Come on, Sue.

Writer:Come sit on my struikgewas. On a chair. Come on, Sue.

Unknown:Has anyone ever actually had a good time at brunch?

Writer · Liz:That's what she said! / Hey, first of all, Steve Carell owns 'that's what she said.' He owns it.

Abby · Liz:You stupid, meddling bitch! / Yes! There's your real voice. There's Abby Grossman.

Abby · Liz:My ex-husband is gonna see this. He's gonna find out where I am and he is gonna try to run me over with his car again. / Oh, 'cause I thought it was, like, pressure from society.

Abby · Liz:My ex-husband is gonna see this. He's gonna find out where I am and he is gonna try to run me over with his car again. / I changed my appearance to get away from him! / Oh, 'cause I thought it was, like, pressure from society.

Abby · Jenna:I was hiding from a man who went insane after being electrocuted while watching Sleeping with the Enemy. / I was cut out of that.

Abby · Lutz:Oh, I am desperate for male attention, because I feel safer having men around in case Troy comes back. That is why I slept with Lutz. / And I shall protect her.

UPS Guy · Lutz:Is there an Abby Flynn here? / That's her, Troy! I'm on your side! Get her!

Liz:Geez, Lutz. It's the UPS guy.

Abby:'I thought this box would be the perfect size for your head. P.S. I was electrocuted again while watching Seven.'

Abby · Liz:Great. I have six hours to start a new life. I'll have to be a redhead this time. / Oh, I don't know, with your coloring. / You know what? Don't listen to me.

Abby · Jenna:You must really hate women, Liz. / Liz Lemon is a Judas to all womankind!

Jenna:You must really hate women, Liz. Liz Lemon is a Judas to all womankind!

Writers:We were on page six... Where Wonder Woman... Gets her period.

Bob Ballard (himself, meta tag):[Tag: 'correcting the science'] Tonight's tag is gonna be a nice wrap-up scene between Jack and Liz... But first, I would like to correct some of the science we saw tonight. There is no oil in kelp that helps cure ice cream headaches. No, the only thing that will cure ice cream headaches is having sex on a motorcycle.

Bob Ballard:No, the only thing that will cure ice cream headaches is having sex on a motorcycle.

Bob Ballard (meta tag):Kailey was not speaking dolphin. When a dolphin expresses excitement it sounds like this. [Dolphin noise]

Jack:Well, Lemon... [Episode ends]