Tracy Does Conan

Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen? The water in here is softer.

Look at this ski-jumping idiot, Bode Miller. What kind of a fruity name is Bode?

That cereal has the Olympics on it? It must be eight months old.

When you and me have kids, we're gonna give them good names, like Shannon or Rick. When we what?

Look at this maze. It's so easy. You have to go in here, and out there.

Oh, Dennis. I just did my hair. Oh, that's my girl.

I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight. I can't take it anymore. Hmm, 35, single, no children. Three sexual partners in the last ten years. I don't know, doll. Maybe it's time to settle.

Hmm, 35, single, no children. Three sexual partners in the last ten years. I don't know, doll. Maybe it's time to settle.

Chocolate chip, or butter crunch?

No, that's not true. What about that movie you did last summer? "The Rural Juror"? Yeah, The Rur-- That one.

Rural Juror, apple three, take one. Mark! A terrible title. Action!

I will tell him that you are in a feature film called The Rrr Jrr.

What the hell's her movie called? I don't know. She's been talking about it for a year. I can't ask her now.

I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you. Oh, jeez. All right, no, okay.

You know, I used to be very rich. Handsome? Yes. You find me handsome? Yes, very much.

I know you're wearing that as a joke, but it makes you look younger, and more confident, and I think you should consider it.

Because if I have a choice between an international movie star, and a woman who does commercials for ShopRite-- No, no, no. Jenna doesn't do those commercials anymore. She got fired.

That's why my job is way better than yours. Way better.

That's what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.

You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the war on terror is won. Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight. You, black Irish bastard. Back at you, man.

Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight. You, black Irish bastard.

Me and my wife like to play "rape." She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then I put on a ski mask... Okay, not that.

I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding dong.

I can tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone. Oh, what was that? I was pooping in the ladies' room at the Ivy... No.

My hair hurts. Anybody gonna answer the phone? What phone? Is anybody gonna answer the phone? The phone! It's ringing! Ring! Ring!

Is anybody gonna answer the phone? The phone! It's ringing! Ring! Ring!

Lemon, this is not open mike night at the Bryn Mawr student union.

For that kind of money this stuffed chicken breast better paint my house.

Jack Welch has such unparalleled management skills, they named Welch's grape juice after him. Because he squeezes the sweetest juice out of his workers' mind grapes.

That doesn't even make sense. No, it doesn't, does it? I wrote it down in the middle of the night.

Cookie in the middle of the day? I gave blood. Does that burn calories?

I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and minister Farrakhan. And not the minister Farrakhan you're thinking of.

Who's that dude? Uh, what dude? The blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me.

Meep.

Oh, that's not good. Frank, that was my blood cookie.

Hey, Jack Attack. Sorry, I should have kept that one in the old brain box.

Pete, did you know that men with full heads of hair on average earn 17% more than their bald counterparts?

Perhaps it's because bald men are generally less informed than men with full heads of hair.

I'm just kidding. It's real. I'm not like you.

Well, you tell him that those commercials paid for my vacation home. So, unless he would like to buy me a condo in Clearwater, Florida...

I'm bugging out! I'm bugging out. I'm bugging out!

This is Dr. Leo Spa-che-men.

But what can you do? Medicine's not a science.

There's not really a name for what Tracy has. Basically it's erratic tendencies, and delusions, brought on by excessive notoriety. And certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments.

No, he should be fine, so long as you keep him away from bright lights, loud music and crowds.

Uh...do you need anything for yourself?

When I first met Jack Welch, I thought he was such a great golfer, he made Bob Darnell look like Randy Barnes.

'The Rrr Jrr.' The what?

Leo's an excellent physician. And a pretty good dentist.

Who is this leader of men? What can I do for you, handsome?

You're prettier than Deborah Messing. Please don't quit. Well, if that's the way you feel, I'll stay.

Call Ticketmaster right away. Nickleback just added another date, right? I would do it on your computer, but I'm downloading a game right now.

Blue man! That blue dude keeps following me! Meek, eep.

Meek, eep.

You still going out with that guy from the pager store? Who, Dennis? Yeah. You still, um... How's your wife? Let's not do this, Elizabeth.

Whoa, he licked all of those.

No! Past Pete is here to kill Future Pete! It's going great.

Estate tax reform.

It's after 6:00. What am I, a farmer?

You're gonna tell me my feet stink? You don't even have feet. Blue man! Blue man, where your feet at?

Blue man, where your feet at?

Which...is okay, 'cause at least he didn't murder me.

So what did you want to talk to me about, huh? Nothing. I forget. I just want to listen to you play Halo 'til I fall asleep.

Well, I got started in the NBC page program. And before you know it, I'm making hit movies with my good friend, and roommate, Zach Braff.

Well, I got started in the NBC page program. And before you know it, I'm making hit movies with my good friend, and roommate, Zach Braff.