Tracy Does Conan

Liz · Dennis:Why is there hair everywhere? Did you shave in the kitchen? / The water in here is softer.

Dennis:Look at this ski-jumping idiot, Bode Miller. What kind of a fruity name is Bode?

Dennis:That cereal has the Olympics on it? It must be eight months old.

Dennis · Liz:When you and me have kids, we're gonna give them good names, like Shannon or Rick. / When we what?

Dennis:Look at this maze. It's so easy. You have to go in here, and out there.

Doctor · Liz:Hmm, 35, single, no children. Three sexual partners in the last ten years. / I don't know, doll. Maybe it's time to settle.

Doctor:Chocolate chip, or butter crunch?

Pete · Jenna:The Rural Juror — the title is so difficult to say that Pete literally cannot complete it, calling it 'The Rur-- That one.'

Director (voice):'Rural Juror, apple three, take one. Mark! A terrible title. Action!'

PA (announcer):Jenna is paged to the set for 'Rodney Stink Confirmed Bachelor' — another hilariously bad fictional show title.

Jenna · Pete:"The Rural Juror" opens in selected theaters December 18th. / Does Jack Donaghy even know I'm in The Rural Juror?

Liz:I will tell him that you are in a feature film called The Rrr Jrr.

Liz · Pete:What the hell's her movie called? / I don't know. She's been talking about it for a year. / I can't ask her now.

Conan · Tracy:Tracy's previous Conan appearance flashback: 'You seem like you have a nice chemistry...' / 'I am a stabbing robot. I will stab you.'

Jack · Liz:Jack complimenting Liz on the Stone Phillips wig: 'I know you're wearing that as a joke, but it makes you look younger, and more confident, and I think you should consider it.'

Jack · Liz:Jack bumped Jenna because she 'does commercials for ShopRite' — Liz defends her: 'Jenna doesn't do those commercials anymore. She got fired.'

Jack:Jack: 'That's why my job is way better than yours. /Way better.'

Conan:Conan: 'I like to surround myself with people that don't try to stab me.'

Conan:Conan: 'That's what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.'

Jack:Jack: 'You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the war on terror is won.'

Conan · Jack:Conan: 'Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight. You, black Irish bastard.' / Jack: 'Back at you, man.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy's pitch: 'Me and my wife like to play rape. She goes in the bathroom and does her hair. Then I put on a ski mask...' / 'Okay, not that.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding dong.'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I can tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone. I was pooping in the ladies' room at the Ivy...'

Tracy:Tracy: 'My hair hurts.'

Tracy:Tracy insisting the phone is ringing when there is no phone ringing: 'Is anybody gonna answer the phone? The phone! It's ringing! Ring! Ring!'

Liz:Liz's pitch: 'I haven't seen this many white people in tuxedoes since the Titanic.'

Jack:Jack's dismissal: 'Lemon, this is not open mike night at the Bryn Mawr student union.'

Jack:Jack's pitch: 'Jack Welch has such unparalleled management skills, they named Welch's grape juice after him. Because he squeezes the sweetest juice out of his workers' mind grapes.'

Liz · Jack:Liz: 'That doesn't even make sense.' Jack: 'No, it doesn't, does it? I wrote it down in the middle of the night.'

Jack:Jack: 'What else is on my mind grapes?'

Tracy:Tracy: 'I could talk about how the moon is a spy satellite put there by Oprah and Minister Farrakhan. And not the minister Farrakhan you're thinking of.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy: 'Who's that dude? / Uh, what dude? / The blue dude. Tell him to stop staring at me.'

Blue Man Group performer:Meep.

Tracy:Tracy is found in a prop closet, apparently on the phone — 'Yes. I am having problems with my cable television. Yes, I will hold.'

Tracy:Tracy interrupts his crisis moment to take another call: 'Excuse me, I have another call. Hi, mom. I am doing fine.'

Liz · Frank:Frank eats Liz's blood cookie — 'Oh, that's not good. Frank, that was my blood cookie.'

Jack · Pete:Pete wearing the Stone Phillips wig walks into the hall; Jack double-takes and says 'Hey, Jack Attack. Sorry, I should have kept that one in the old brain box.'

Jack · Pete:Jack to Pete: 'Did you know that men with full heads of hair on average earn 17% more than their bald counterparts? / I did not know that. / Perhaps it's because bald men are generally less informed than men with full heads of hair.'

Jack · Pete:Jack: 'Pull my hair. Right now, go ahead. Pull my hair.' / Pete pulls it. / Jack: 'I'm just kidding. It's real.'

Liz · Jenna:Liz relays Jack's opinion: 'He doesn't love it that you did those commercials.' / Jenna: 'Well, you tell him that those commercials paid for my vacation home. So, unless he would like to buy me a condo in Clearwater, Florida...'

Jenna:Well, you tell him that those commercials paid for my vacation home. So, unless he would like to buy me a condo in Clearwater, Florida...

Tracy:Tracy's full breakdown: 'I'm bugging out! I'm bugging out!' repeated while apparently bouncing around the room.

Liz:Wow, Dr. Spaceman. I owe you an apology, Tray.

Dr. Spaceman:Dr. Spaceman: 'Medicine's not a science.'

Dr. Spaceman:Dr. Spaceman: 'And certainly not helped by my wildly experimental treatments. Boy, I'm being awfully open with you, miss.'

Dr. Spaceman:Dr. Spaceman's care instructions: 'Keep him away from bright lights, loud music and crowds.' — for a man about to appear on a late night talk show.

Dr. Spaceman:Dr. Spaceman: 'Uh... do you need anything for yourself?'

Jack · Liz:When I first met Jack Welch, I thought he was such a great golfer, he made Bob Darnell look like Randy Barnes. / That's fine. Do that. / I don't know. Might be distasteful if Randy's widow's in the audience.

Jack:Jack says Tracy's doctor Spaceman is 'an excellent physician. And a pretty good dentist.'

Liz · Jack:The rehearsal disaster — clearly something goes wrong (Liz: 'Is that rehearsal? Oh no--Oh!') followed by Jack's irritated 'No, this Tracy situation is really...' and Jack dismissing it: 'Are we still talking about that? Do I have to come in and run your show?'

Jack · Pete:Pete walks in wearing the wig; Jack does a double-take: 'Who is this leader of men? What can I do for you, handsome?'

Jenna · Liz:Jenna's theatrical resignation: 'After the way Jack treated me today, I can't work here anymore. I quit.' — then immediately staying when Liz says three vague compliments.

Liz:Okay. Jenna don't quit. The show can't go on without you. You're my muse, you're a modern-day Lucille Ball. You're prettier than Deborah Messing.

Dennis · Liz:Dennis calls to ask Liz to buy Nickelback tickets via Ticketmaster — 'I would do it on your computer, but I'm downloading a game right now.'

Tracy:Blue man! That blue dude keeps following me! Meek, eep.

Conan · Liz:Liz and Conan's awkward exchange: 'You still, um...' / 'How's your wife?' / 'Let's not do this, Elizabeth.' / 'Okay.'

Conan:Conan sees the cookies Tracy has licked: 'Whoa, he licked all of those.'

Liz:Liz addresses the Blue Man: 'Chewbacca, may I speak to Tracy, please?'

Tracy:Tracy, apparently hiding from 'Past Pete': 'Past Pete is here to kill Future Pete!'

Kenneth:Kenneth whispering at the pharmacy: '[whispering] for Mr. Tracy Jordan' — apparently so embarrassed by the prescription that he whispers the patient name.

Kenneth:Kenneth at a second pharmacy, on hold: 'Fine. I will try the other location. But frankly, LaDonica, you have not been real helpful.'

Kenneth:Fine. I will try the other location. But frankly, LaDonica, you have not been real helpful.

Jack · Liz:Jack, still in a tuxedo, asks Liz for another zinger for the Jack Welch event — Liz asks when it is. 'February.' 'Why are you wearing a tux?' 'It's after 6:00. What am I, a farmer?'

Liz:Liz's zinger attempt: 'Well, it's almost Thanksgiving, everybody. And I know what this crowd's giving thanks for. Estate tax reform.'

Jack:Jack: 'That is terrific. I really enjoyed that. But, do you think it's too topical? Damn, I wish this event were tonight.'

Liz · Jack:That is terrific. I really enjoyed that. / But, do you think it's too topical? Damn, I wish this event were tonight.

Jack:It's after 6:00. What am I, a farmer?

Kenneth · Pete · Stage Manager:The chaos at the Conan taping: Kenneth trying to navigate the studio, pages coming through, Conan's announcer beginning Tracy's introduction.

Tracy:Mr. Blue man. You're gonna tell me my feet stink? You don't even have feet. Blue man! / Blue man, where your feet at?

Conan:Conan introduces Tracy as being known for 'President Homeboy' and 'Honky Grandma Be Tripping,' and notes 'you may know him from his last appearance on this show, when he tried to stab me in the face.'

Tracy · Liz:Tracy appears on stage, immediately takes off his pants, and has to be physically wrestled into a chair while Liz and the crew shout 'Pants on. Pants on. Sit in the chair, buddy.'

Conan:Conan: 'That was great, and you're— And he's asleep. Which...is okay, 'cause at least he didn't murder me.'

Jack · Liz:Jack takes back the prescription bottle from Liz with 'Hey, you did good, kid. Give me that.' — and apparently pockets the pills.

Dennis · Liz:Dennis has ordered Liz a cheeseburger — she's overjoyed: 'Oh, Dennis. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much.'

Dennis · Liz:So what did you want to talk to me about, huh? / Nothing. I forget. / I just want to listen to you play Halo 'til I fall asleep.

Dennis:Dennis: 'Ah, that's baloney! How did the grenade not kill him? He was standing right next to it. You know what, Liz? This controller's defective.'

Kenneth:Kenneth's final talking-head/interview: reveals he got started in the NBC page program and is now 'making hit movies with my good friend and roommate, Zach Braff.'

Conan · Kenneth:Interviewer/Conan: 'What? / Who told you that?' — Kenneth has apparently also claimed other untrue things; the interviewer is confounded.

Kenneth · Conan:Kenneth reveals he knows how to clog dance. Conan doesn't believe anyone wants to see this. Kenneth does it anyway. Conan: 'You're a weird guy, Kenneth.'

Kenneth:Well, yes. I do know how to clog. But I don't think anybody wants to see me do that. / You do? Really? Okay.

Kenneth:Kenneth: 'See you tomorrow, Mr. O'Brien.' — ending with Kenneth's formal address even after this intimate weird bonding moment.