Subway Hero

So it doesn't turn into another giant sausage fest.

What's the Committee to Reinvade Vietnam?

No, C. Nor and I had a falling-out after I switched to another dojo.

Also I'm saving that money for new humidifiers. The same model that's keeping Larry King alive.

Food network doesn't have a news show.

Thank you, mayor Bloomberger.

Stern rules! Baba booey!

And Dateline predator. / Exonerated Dateline predator.

Like the Giuliani campaign.

when I say subway, you say hero. / - Subway. - Hero?

We're like Ross and Rachel, but just not gay.

She told me that her last boyfriend was Asian. And that crap doesn't start until college.

He was a major tv star in the '40s, '50s and the fall of 1972

Son of a married couple, Bucky Bright!

Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the lord's name.

That's Republican-- we count those.

we didn't have any of those shirts with words on 'em, or dungarees, or anything like that

And an inside monogrammed pocket, you know, for your opium pipe and your switchblade.

400% of my sodium? I should not be eating these.

the bravest New Yorker since Bernie Goetz

It's the Stanley cup, honey. It's hockey's ultimate prize. And me and it, we're teaming up to fight illiteracy.

I've watched seven different people die in subway stations.

All I could think about was Derek Jeter. And it was like, check this out, Jeter, you think you're better than me?

They should call this thing 'The Weeks.'

I only have Spanish delis in my neighborhood.

Does hot support cold? Does rain support the earth?

If I paid taxes, I sure would.

Lincoln was a Republican? / Actually, today's Republican party would be unrecognizable to Lincoln.

Dotcom, this need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is... off-putting. / I guess that's why I'm still single.

No, no, no, two guys'd get-- hey, my old dressing room.

For five bucks I will.

What, are you gearing up for swimsuit season?

We used to call this 'the jew room.'

because this Indian guy that he was working for...

except one gigantic lesbian. / Who is Conan O'Brien, and why is she so sad?

So many different kind of buckets I wanted to own. Buckets.

Black, Jewish, one eye, a white wife. It was a big tent back then, Tracy.

Social conservative, fiscal liberal.

I almost joined the marines once.

Warming your jeans in the morning? / That's right, and it feels good.

My cologne is distilled from the bilge water of Rupert Murdoch's yacht.

Not thinking is what makes America great.

Like a killer whale going nuts on his trainer at sea world.

Love is wearing makeup to bed and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop, and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles.

That's exactly what they say it's like when you freeze to death.

You wanted to do something private with another man, it wasn't gay. No, it was just two men celebrating each other's strength.

That was never your problem.

That was never your problem.

You know a stripper offered to give me a squeezer last night. A white stripper.

My fellow blackmericans-- / Can I just say black Americans? There's no such thing as blackmericans.

To build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. And he also hated the estate tax.

To build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. And he also hated the estate tax.

black people, don't vote. Just don't do it. In the amount of time it'd take for you to vote, you could play three games of pool.

I'm Tracy Jordan, and I improve this message.

Winston dialed 911 with his beak and said fire, but only because he didn't know the word for rape.

That's why G.E.'s going to be introducing the pocket deep fryer.

Well, when we sobered up, we realized we'd eaten the peacock and we put the ham in pat weaver's office.

If you're gonna make something beautiful, you gotta make a mess of it first.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Chinatown to pick up some human growth hormones so that Mr. Jordan's tigers don't realize that he's aging

The mighty ducks are mad at me because I left the Stanley cup on a water taxi.

Boy, that's one mouthy sandwich girl, isn't it?

It's still daytime. And we're inside.

Yeah, it's totally biased against the Irish, you know.

If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down.

Ah, damn, it's the wrong track. It's stupid express.

You'll be back, Liz Lemon. You'll be back. / You'll be back, dummy.