Subway Hero

Jack:I need some women to attend so it doesn't turn into another giant sausage fest.

Liz:What's the Committee to Reinvade Vietnam?

Jack:C. Nor and I had a falling-out after I switched to another dojo.

Liz:I'm saving that money for new humidifiers. The same model that's keeping Larry King alive.

Liz:Food network doesn't have a news show.

Dennis:Thank you, mayor Bloomberger.

Dennis:Stern rules! Baba booey!

Jack · Liz · Dennis:Dennis Duffy, beeper salesman and your ex-boyfriend. And Dateline predator. Exonerated Dateline predator. The whole thing was one big silly misunderstanding. Like the Giuliani campaign.

Jack:Jonathan, why don't you put on more of that cologne? — delivered by Jack as a way of dismissing the conversation

Dennis:When I say subway, you say hero. Subway. Hero?

Dennis:I now declare this store open for all mankind.

Dennis:We're like Ross and Rachel, but just not gay.

Dennis:Dennis singing: '* I just want to rock *'

Dennis:I knew that girl was 18. She told me that her last boyfriend was Asian. And that crap doesn't start until college.

Jonathan:He was a major TV star in the '40s, '50s and the fall of 1972.

Jonathan:He insists on singing. / He insists on singing.

Jack:Good god. When did the party become so boring? The Democrats have all the good celebrities.

Kenneth · Jack:Oh, no, sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the lord's name. / That's Republican — we count those.

Bucky Bright:And an inside monogrammed pocket, you know, for your opium pipe and your switchblade.

Kenneth · Bucky Bright:I'm sorry — what now? / Say, why don't you show me around the old studio?

Liz:400% of my sodium? I should not be eating these.

TGS Announcer / Jack:Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the bravest New Yorker since Bernie Goetz, Mr. Dennis Duffy.

Dennis:It's the Stanley Cup, honey. It's hockey's ultimate prize. And me and it, we're teaming up to fight illiteracy.

Toofer:I've watched seven different people die in subway stations.

Dennis:All I could think about was Derek Jeter. And it was like, check this out, Jeter, you think you're better than me?

Jenna:Uh, why is this movie called 'The Hours' when it feels so much longer? They should call this thing 'The Weeks'.

Liz · Jenna:Reaction beat: Liz processes 'The Weeks' comment in silence.

Jenna · Liz:Dennis is like those off-brand Mexican Cheetos. My 'Sabor de soledad'? I only have Spanish delis in my neighborhood.

Jack:Tracy. My friend. Have you ever considered becoming the celebrity face of the Republican party?

Tracy:Black people supporting Republicans? Does hot support cold? Does rain support the earth?

Jack · Tracy:Do you like lower taxes? / If I paid taxes, I sure would.

Jack · Tracy:How about gun ownership? / Go on.

Jack · Tracy · Dotcom · Jack:And let none of us forget the GOP is the party of Lincoln. / Lincoln was a Republican? / Actually, today's Republican party would be unrecognizable to Lincoln. He fought a war to preserve federal authority over the states. That's not exactly small government. / Dotcom, this need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is... off-putting.

Dotcom:I guess that's why I'm still single.

Tracy:Damn. The Republican party sounds pretty attuned to my unique way of life.

Bucky Bright:For five bucks I will.

Dennis:Hey, dummy, I was just telling these dummies how we used to go in the park and make fun of all the joggers.

Dennis:Oh, I'm gonna run in a circle, so I can live longer.

Dennis:Hold on a second. Who orders a salad from a burger joint? You watching your figure there, sweetheart? What, are you gearing up for swimsuit season?

Liz · Dennis:Very funny. / Very funny? How would you know?

Bucky Bright:We used to call this 'the jew room.'

TGS Crew Member:Hey, chief, the kid's birthday party that hired the Urkel impersonator is down around the hall.

Dennis · TGS Crew:Are you gonna cry? / Yeah, he's gonna cry.

Dennis · Liz:Elizabeth Conworthy Lemon. / Okay, that's not my middle name.

Liz:Entertaining a guest of the show is called being professional. It wasn't a date or whatever — I paid for dinner.

Liz:He can't get credit cards, Jenna, because his cousin Teddy used Dennis' social to get a cell phone that Teddy then couldn't pay for because this Indian guy that he was working for... You know what, I don't have to explain myself to you.

Bucky Bright:I just wandered around the building all night. I didn't run into another single living soul, except one gigantic lesbian.

Bucky Bright:Who is Conan O'Brien, and why is she so sad?

Tracy · Nixon's Ghost:It's purgatory, Tracy. / Richard Nixon? / I can't believe I'm dead. There was still so much left on my bucket list. So many different kind of buckets I wanted to own. Buckets.

Nixon Ghost · Tracy:We've lost some prestige because of the Bush administration. / And Watergate. / I'm trying to keep that on the DL around here.

Nixon Ghost:Black, Jewish, one eye, a white wife. It was a big tent back then, Tracy.

Tracy:I got a mission.

Dennis:Social conservative, fiscal liberal.

Liz:I don't like a lot of people, Jenna, but that dumb creep makes me laugh.

Liz:Do I? I might be an idiot. I know I'm supposed to make myself nice meals, instead of eating junk.

Liz · Jenna:Do you know what I use my oven for? / Warming your jeans in the morning? / That's right, and it feels good.

Jack:My cologne is distilled from the bilge water of Rupert Murdoch's yacht.

Dennis:And when I grab on, I do not let go. Like a killer whale going nuts on his trainer at Sea World.

Jenna:Love is hiding who you really are at all times, even when you're sleeping. Love is wearing makeup to bed and going downstairs to the Burger King to poop, and hiding alcohol in perfume bottles. That's love.

Liz · Jenna:If you give into it, you just start to feel kind of numb and warm, and then you just get sleepy. That's not that bad. / That's exactly what they say it's like when you freeze to death.

Liz:Blurgh.

Bucky Bright:You wanted to do something private with another man, it wasn't gay. No, it was just two men celebrating each other's strength.

Tracy:Nixon's ghost convinced my ghost to help the GOP. God bless that wiretapping bastard.

Tracy:I can't talk now. I gotta get my wallet out of the toaster.

Dennis · Liz:Elizabeth Sarah Lemon — / That's not my middle name.

Dennis · Liz:Will you marry me? / Oh, god.

Liz:You don't know this guy. He is not the man you think he is.

Dennis:I could get any girl here I want. And not just the fatties and the butterfaces.

Dennis:Shut up, crowd. I command you as the subway hero — shut up.

Dennis:You know, a stripper offered to give me a squeezer last night. A white stripper.

Dennis:I'm the loser. I guess I'm the one who totally missed catching the puck at that Islanders game.

Dennis:And so do all New York based sports teams.

Tracy · Jack:My fellow blackmericans— / Can I just say black Americans? There's no such thing as blackmericans.

Tracy:My fellow black Americans, Dr. King once had a dream, a dream that we all share: To build a 200 foot high wall to keep Mexico out. And he also hated the estate tax.

Tracy:I get it. The Republican party means less taxes, more guns, and the end of the gun tax.

Tracy · Jack · Tracy:No matter what, blackmericans are gonna always vote Democrat. / They will, won't they? / Unless... black people, don't vote. Just don't do it.

Tracy:In the amount of time it'd take for you to vote, you could play three games of pool. Three. And that's fresh.

Tracy:I'm Tracy Jordan, and I improve this message. Paid by the committee to reinvade Vietnam.

Tracy:Now if you'll excuse me, Nixon asked me to take some stuff out of his Wikipedia page.

Jack:Dennis is off the show. I booked the 911 bird. Winston dialed 911 with his beak and said fire, but only because he didn't know the word for rape.

Bucky Bright:Well, when we sobered up, we realized we'd eaten the peacock and we put the ham in Pat Weaver's office.

Jack:Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to Chinatown to pick up some human growth hormones so that Mr. Jordan's tigers don't realize that he's aging.

Kenneth:Oh my... there's your weird.

Dennis:It seems like all that stuff you said came true. I am a loser. My mall appearance got canceled. The mighty ducks are mad at me because I left the Stanley Cup on a water taxi.

Dennis:I can only imagine the classic song I'm gonna write after this.

Bucky Bright · Liz:Oh, well this one's dating a Dateline predator. Exonerated. And we're not dating.

Bucky Bright:Boy, that's one mouthy sandwich girl, isn't it?

Dennis · Liz:It was on a subway platform just like this. On a night just like this. / It's still daytime. And we're inside.

Liz · Dennis:You failed the firefighter exam? / Yeah, it's totally biased against the Irish, you know.

Liz:If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down.

Liz · Dennis:Dennis, don't you dare. / Liz, work with me now. Just go limp. / It'll be phenomenal, Liz, come on. / Ah, damn, it's the wrong track. It's stupid express. / You thought it was this track too, didn't you?

Dennis:You'll be back, Liz Lemon. You'll be back. / You'll be back, dummy.