Frank Retires

Mac:We think it's a sinkhole! It's awesome!

Dennis:It's really not that awesome.

Mac:Look, I was a little bit skeptical at first, too, but we've been playing with this thing for three hours now, and it's fantastic.

Dennis:I'm sorry, can I ask how do you play with a goddamn hole?

Charlie:Then I threw it down there, you know, to prove a point.

Dennis:What was the point?

Charlie:It was something to do with how metal travels faster than light or...?

Charlie:No, it was that light is either on or off. There's no speed to light. It's, it was an anti-science thing.

Mac:What if there's, like, a mutant living down there? We can get him up and he can live in the bar with us.

Dennis:We've already got one mutant hanging out with us in the bar all the time.

Dennis:Hey, Frank, did you hear what I said? I turned a frustrating conversation into a joke on you.

Dennis:The, uh... thing.

Frank:Huh? Oh, y-yeah.

Frank:No. I don't. In fact, something just dawned on me. I need to quit. / I hereby officially retire from Paddy's Pub.

Frank owned 51% of Paddy's Pub and we own 46%. Well, we did, not-not Dee. She-she doesn't own shit.

Dee:Yeah, I know. Goddamn it.

Charlie:What the hell is a Franquito? It says Franquito owns three percent of Paddy's Pub?

Mac:Oh, there-there's a throne?

Dennis:Oh, sorry. No, I was just referring to the desk chair as the throne 'cause that's where the boss man sits.

Dee:Ugh, gross. That chair smells like Frank's butt.

Dennis:It's not actually Frank's Frank's butt; I think it's a combination of all of our butt smells, you know?

Mac:That's worse.

Dennis:You think we're gonna give the shares to the man who wants to pull a mutant from a mystery hole in the bar and live with him?

Charlie:Paddy's Succession Plan, remember?

Mac:Oh, shit! Right.

Dennis:Yes, right! Paddy's Succession Plan.

Dennis:We drank, like, three bottles of tequila and then we started talking about our legacy and how important that was to us.

Frank:Oh! Got to have a legacy.

Dennis:Oh, here we go.

Mac:Oh, oh! Yeah, okay.

Dee:On a paper plate, huh?

Mac:Paddy's succession plan. Paddy's Pub shall secure our legacy here, henceforth and forevermore throughout the birthright of our firstborn kin. Who had the pen here? It makes sense. Don't be a bitch.

Dennis:'Trundle,' written in blood.

Charlie:Oh, yeah, I was going by Trundle at the time, wasn't I?

Dennis:No, no, no. You were trying to write 'Charlie' and you wrote 'Trundle.'

Charlie:No, I was going by 'Trundle the Great.'

Mac:You came up with that after you miswrote it.

Mac:That's a binding contract. Okay? You wrote it in blood. That's gonna hold up in a court of law and I know when to pick a side. I'm siding with Dennis and Dee.

Charlie:Wait, hold on a second. You guys aren't even actually Frank's kid. Your Bruce Mathis' kid, all right? And I technically might be Frank's kid.

Mac:Charlie, I pledge my allegiance to you.

Dennis:No, no, no, no.

Mac:Wait a second, no. But Frank is a Reynolds and we are Reynolds.

Mac:It was always you guys. I tricked him, I tricked him. It was always you.

Charlie:Heyo! There's my guy! Hey, I got a piping hot Grilled Frank for you, okay? I got the sausage, the Spam, the bacon. I got it wrapped in a jelly pancake and cooked with a stick of butter.

Frank:I don't want that, Charlie. I'm trying to get in shape. I read all about this phenomenon that guys' bodies immediately turn to shit the second they retire.

Charlie:Are you, like, um... my dad?

Frank:What?

Charlie:Are, like... are you the-the father of me and shit?

Charlie:We've-we've been over this.

Frank:Yeah.

Frank:Your mother's a giant whore.

Mac:I came up with a really great idea, dude.

Charlie:Yeah?

Mac:I'm gonna play both sides.

Charlie:Why would you tell me that?

Mac:Probably shouldn't 'cause if you're trying to keep a secret from me, well, now I know.

Mac:I should've... Should I tell them?

Charlie:No, I don't think you should tell either side 'cause if you try to play both sides and they both know, you're not playing anybody.

Mac:So I am prepared to take a blood oath with you.

Mac:Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God, dude! Oh, that was Frank's toe knife!

Charlie:No, I'm not gonna touch your blood.

Mac:Do you have something I could... I got to close this wound.

Charlie:Here, just plug it up.

Charlie:That sock's probably gonna get it more infected, though.

Doctor:I don't know who that is. What I do know is I came to work this morning to find a very large bucket of blood in my lab.

Doctor:Also, there's traces of more than four individuals in here and at least one animal. Was there blood in the bucket before?

Charlie:It is a blood bucket, so yeah, there was old blood.

Dennis:All right, Dee, the bar is finally ours.

Dennis:Let's talk redecoration.

Dee:Well, I'm thinking chrome, and I'm thinking chrome everywhere.

Dee:The other thing that's important to me is a proper dance floor. That way, any time I want to just pop a boogie, I can do it wherever I am, and it won't be weird, you know what I mean?

Dee:All right, you know what, you've been doing this all day.

Dennis:Why are you talking like that?

Dee:I'm just being... I'm being arch.

Dee:Well, because we're being devious and we're plotting, and I just wanted to make sure that it was clear that we were devious and plotting.

Mac:Dennis, Dee, quickly-- we don't have much time. Charlie and I doctored a paternity test to make it look like Frank is Charlie's dad. But the tests were actually inconclusive; there was too much blood in the bucket to tell. The reason I'm telling you all this is because I'm playing both sides so that I always come out on top.

Mac:Number one, um, never tell one side that you're playing both sides.

Dennis:Yeah.

Mac:And number two, if you are gonna play both sides, don't give away the information before you get what you want.

Dennis:You're still telling us that you're playing both sides, so...

Mac:Uh... Okay, well, what if I make a blood oath... uh, allegiance to you guys?

Mac:Oh, yeah, here, I'll just get it again.

Mac:Oh!

Mac:Oh, shit!

Dennis:Jesus, dude, that was the lime knife.

Dennis:Your head of security just choked himself out.

Frank:I forgot to dye my hair this morning.

Charlie:What's up with your teeth?

Frank:I was eating some of Deandra's pyramid scheme berries. I was trying to get healthy.

Dee:Are you okay?

Charlie:What are... W-What's happening?

Dee:I'm... I'm being arch.

Charlie:Oh. Oh.

Dee:We're doing a thing together, so you know...

Charlie:Oh, my God, so much blood! Oh, so much blood, I think we hit an artery, Dee, look at this.

Dee:Is he okay?

Charlie:No, he's okay, you know, the duct tape'll stop it.

Dee:Can't imagine it was gonna be a very good sample anyway-- there are quite a few pickles floating around in that bag.

Mac:Worst is first, dude, worst is first.

Dennis:What are you talking about, man?

Mac:Dee is conspiring against you. Charlie figured it out. 'Worst is first.'

Dee:'Worst is first.' My mom used to say that to me all the time because I was first and she thought I was the worst.

Charlie:Holy shit, that's terrible, but that's good for us.

Mac:Oh... oh, my God. That is crazy. It's the smell of a thousand butts.

Dennis:You idiots. Did you not think that I had anticipated this? While you were running around town like lunatics, chopping your hands to bits, I did a little bit of research. Turns out Franquito isn't a shell corporation after all. He's a person.

Dennis:Franquito!

Dennis:Ven acá!

Mac:Holy shit!

Charlie:Whoa!

Dennis:Yeah, he doesn't speak any English, by the way, so don't try talking to him. But we worked something out. Yeah, Frank's shares go to him, 'cause he's the firstborn... and then Franquito signs to me.

Frank:My one true child. Come closer.

Oh!

Frank:You give me so much joy right now.

Frank:When a man is no longer needed in the tribe, his body betrays him. When he has no purpose, the blood seems to drain from his body, leaving him a shell of the man he once was.

Frank:Speaking of number two...

Frank:Oh!

Dennis:Dude.

Dee:Oh!

Charlie:Damn it! Come on. I just cleaned that.

Mac:That's Frank's butt smell. That is it. I told you. Oh, no! That is the exact smell of the chair.

Dennis:All right, look, guys, it's very simple. Seven years ago, I walked into a Wahwah, and I saw this guy, and I thought, 'Holy, shit! That guy looks just like Frank, but, you know, Mexican.'

Dennis:And then I came up with a plan where I could make Frank believe that he had a son with our maid Josefina all those years ago, and I could bilk him out of a shitload of money under the guise that the money was all going to his firstborn son, Franquito, when, in fact, the money was going to me.

Mac:Yeah, but that's, like... incredibly devious, dude. I mean, you've been screwing Frank for years?

Dennis:Yeah. I mean, you guys would have done that, too, right, if you'd thought of it?

Dennis:Because Franquito's not your son. I made it all up.

Frank:What?! How?!

Dennis:No, Franquito. We're done here.

Franquito:Can I get my five bucks?

Dennis:Yes, you can get your five bucks. Goddamn, you're a greedy bastard.