The Moms

Could I get your lucretia mott on this?

after their ill-fated decision to re-air the pilot of bitch hunter

Put the mimosas down! Bitch.

Necktie. Too late, Jackie.

It's little Frankie in the bathtub, getting ready for the senior prom

You remember that when a man buys you an expensive meal.

Yeah, that's happening a lot.

I sexually assaulted scottie pippen in 1997.

Her name might be Cheryl, and she was wearing a red shirt in 1984.

Like when they was looking for John McCain's running mate.

I'm kidding. This needs to be taken seriously.

our lady of reluctant integration in waltham

who pours scotch like a woman

♪ Oh, the fiddle's in the creek ♪ ♪ and the frog's in the kitchen ♪ I apologize, ma'am. That is not a song.

You make me very nervous. Oh, my God.

What? Thanks a lot, lutz.

Wrong tree, mom. Gotcha.

I made us both rompers to wear.

My...Friend has to go strangle her anxiety pillow.

It's bad luck for a married woman to be a bridesmaid. It brings fever and disease.

How do you get credit at a mattress store?

That's what feminism does. It makes smart girls with nice birthing shapes believe in fairytales.

I'm waiting for astronaut Mike Dexter.

Who turns out to be the secret king of Monaco.

Greener banana

It's not an implant. It's just a little yank up, you know? I mean, I got the meat, Jack.

Like a cantaloupe and a ziploc bag of mushroom soup.

Oh, wait, is she aquaman's girlfriend?

That could be anyone! We all look the same to me.

Ugh, these overalls are chafing. I can't wear these pajamas fishing! Pajamaralls. Pajamaralways.

I think she's good enough for the star of sherlock homie.

Two women, Jack, at the same time. What are you, Italian?

I know it's gay, but it's my gay problem, and I'm handling it.

Just bring my son one of everything. That way, he doesn't have to choose.

In Florida, everybody's always asking me, 'where did you get that? You made it? Holy crap! Where do I commission one?'

Because of the trampoline accident.

That is quality stitching.

Damn the tiny, brown hands that made this.

A computer is a great big thing with a green screen.

I remember someone who got a three on her history ap test.

while Waldo, the town perv, watched from the bushes.

I got a job at sterling Cooper.

Different times. Octomom.

Not even when I watched ed aldrin walk on the moon.

Yeah, but I always called him ed, because our town had, like, five buzzes.

Laura linney could have played you in the hbo original movie moon wives!

drive around with one headlight out

I am a movie star, a television actor, and a guinness book of world record holder for most car accidents in a single year.

whose resume has 'black judge' on it nine times.

who recorded an anti-condom psa? I saved a lot of kids from lame sex!

I can't say Nicaragua.

Mrs. Donaghy keeps tricking me and running away, but not anymore. Carl, they need you out in the hall. Yes, ma'am!

because chest-wise you have the measurements of an altar boy.

I've got to get back to calling Kenneth 'carl' to see if he ever corrects me. Carl! Yes, ma'am?

Or I would have been born Peter aldrin. And I'd wait for a woman with the right stuff.

Now, remember, in this scenario, I'm a man and my father is an astronaut.

I saw him last night at Rupert Murdoch's twister party. I mean, uh, regular party.

Because you're talking in the ear that I didn't lose a button in.

Thank God Terry's dead, or we'd be fighting over him again too.

And she is a good actress. I bought those pajamaralls.

Sometimes I sing too beautifully.

Then you skip the part where you yell at me. And then we both move on to the, uh, make-up sex.

That is a swing.

But these tactics have worked on stupider women.

I don't believe in barriers, because I always break them.

I see you. I see what you're doing. Return to the night. You've no business here.

I once woke up in the air and space museum with a revolver in the waistband of my Jean shorts.

I own you! You dumb moon! I walked on your face! Don't you know it's day? Idiot!

even though it was Margarita Monday at dockside Joe's.

Why does your chest feel weird? Uh, because I love you so much.

I think I'm ready for the sex talk.

before my hereditary dementia sets in?

I assume herpes.

I'll be circling the globe in my coffin rocket. Something I saw on tv. It's very expensive.

I can't!

Carl would never let you down. Carl, that does not sound right. Kevin--no. Who am I? Is it Keith? No, that's not-- yes, I'm Keith.

♪ Don't go to sleep with a frown in your pocket ♪ ♪ take it to the yard and tie it to a rocket ♪ ♪ shoot it to the moon ♪ ♪ you'll feel better soon ♪